... in a day or two. Scouts Honor. I'd do a post right now but I'm drunk, and I've been eating raw pre-packaged fish.
Drunk and eating fish. Oh bet the farm I'll be yorking tonight.
So clearly, no condition to post. Jesus, I just lost a second round of a little air hockey tourney I started playing. The puck was moiving at roughly 2 inches an hour... and I got hosed. I'm kicked.
I was never a boy scout. Thought their uniforms werre fruity. So take my word as less than gospel.
Motherfucker. I need to write more. Both here and elsewhere.
Show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from guatemala - George Carlin. I was never a fan, but that there's a great line.
It always gets quiet after weekends. I blame you. I did my part. Every rose does have some thorns.
Girl I think about you ev'ry day now; Was a time when I wasn't sure; But you set my mind at ease; There is no doubt; You're in my heart now; Said woman take it slow; It'll work itself out fine; All we need is just a little patience; Said sugar make it slow and; We come together fine; All we need is just a little patience; Patience.
PRO-FETIC!!!
Oh hey, who nailed it on most of the draft picks? ME, JOHN Q FUCKFACE HYATTE!!! THAT'S WHO!!
Jim Ross should'a told them to fuck off years ago. TNA would take him in 2 minutes... AND rob 5 banks to pay him his up fronts.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tall black men and showing my age
As per usual, I write about outside things rather than write about myself... which would actually make for a few dozen great stories.
No, don't even bother.
****
One thing no one caught on with this WWE Million Dollar give-away is Vince's honesty. He's saying, "Look, we want old viewers back. Please, come back, we'll see about paying you."
If they want old viewers back, Vince should give Brian Gerwitz the boot. The Jew ain't writing funny bits anymore. His segments pretty much brings the whole show to a screeching halt... and its not like the wrestlers are good enough actors to sell these bad lines anyway.
Sex sells. Put the divas into the storylines and give them love scenes. The 14 year old male demo will come a'runnin'
And lets look at Ashley... a face so blown out they are afraid to shoot close-ups anymore (kind'a like when they gave Chyna the wide, WIDE shot for a few months), she was thrown out of the building during TV tapings because she was so wasted she couldn't function, she embarrassed the very idea of WWE Divas being super tough by lasting 2 whole weeks on "Survivor", she can't wrestle, she hurts herself constantly, she is passed around more than Lita in Mexico...
and now "Rolling Stone" says she was part of a high end escort service operation... and she meekly wrote something about calling a lawyer and that was the end of it. Even Meltzer says, "Dude, its her."
Why is she still employeed?
Either Cena goes to Smackdown or Triple H surprises everyone by agreeing to go there for a year. And I think Raw might bring in the Undertaker and/or Rey Misterio. And let's get Carlito on ECW where he would have the time of his life.
Ah, and Batista to Raw and will eventually be managed by a heel Ric Flair.
Punk to Smackdown.
******
Currently on IWC scene... Meltzer hooked up with Brian Alverez just so he won't have to do any web work save for writing his daily columns and let that mark Alverez do EVERYTHING... and with a giant smile.
I never gave a crap about Bryan Alverez until one week he devoted many, many pages from his Figure Four Newsletter (ie: Last week's Observer, slightly re-written) to the movie Karate Kid. He tried his damndest to rag on it and cut it down and point out its silly plot holes... and I'm pretty sure he thought he was a riot while doing so...
Yeah, well... too bad Bill Simmons over at ESPN.com did the exact same dissection years before... only HE dissected the second and third movie too. I swear Alverez stumbled upon it, read it, LOVED it, and tried to do the same thing thinking tyat no one would catch on.
He's another one I'd bitch slap with my dick.
Jason Powell has never had an opinion I respect or learn anything from. The dude is as bland as sex with Canadian home contractors. He also should file a massive lawsuit... a class action suit against anyone and everyone who ever told him he was funny... beginning with his mother and ending with every choked out rent boy he ever hooked up with Queer as Folk style in some of Minnesota's shadier gay bathhouses.
One day I am convinced we will read about some dude in Minnesota who was caught publically masterbating and throwing his splooge at middle-aged bank tellers... I can't I.D. this poor soul with a closet full of skeletons that is just about to burst... but his name rhymes with "Lade Smeller"
Once you learn that those good ol' reliable kids at the Lords of Pain are still delievering all of everyone's news in a timely manner... you just don't need to visit PWInsider.com... and thus you don't need to learn what nonsense Dave Scherer is up to.
Who's that kid at 411 who one guy spent major effort trying to get me to rag on... Jeff Smalls? Well... he has two big "gimmicks":
1) He spends crucial amount of column space doing...
Wait for it....
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
2) He ends every column with... I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, someone out there wants me to cut down a dude... in front of my dozen readers... whose two big gimmicks are rip offs of Anchorman and Chevy Chase?
No, I mean DIRECT rip-offs.
Man... fuck you, asshole. And fuck this kid. He's below me. Beneath me... even here... doing a stupid blog for 10 people (half of them girls... one or two in straight up love with me, BOOYA!!) he's beneath me.
In fact, the only asshole less original than Jeff Smalls is the one whose been begging me to trash him. ASSHOLE!!
UGH!! Whammy... wham your ass with a rusty garden weasel, fag.
Bryan Alverez... Jeff Small... you people see why I had to get out? I just couldn't hang with these original thinkers.
Fuckheads... the lot of them
*****
I've discussed him before, and featured 2 of his books for my old book club thing.
Rick Reilly, now part of "ESPN The Magazine", is probably my favorite sports writer ever... which doesn't mean he can't screw up once or twice.
Years ago, he wrote a column where he finally went to the one place no one else wanted to go, and went ahead and declared Kobe Bryant "better than Jordan". His main point was that Kobe achieved much more at his age then Jordan did at the same.
I think...
See, I think this was his point, I can't pull the article out from his archives online. It's been erased from history.
Why? Because a few weeks after Reilly hailed Kobe as better then Jordan, Kobe was charged with raping that girl in Colorado. BYE BYE COLUMN!!!
Years passed, and while Reilly hasn't really made any declarations about Kobe's skill, there were whispers and mumbles throughout the sports writing world (mostly from the Los Angeles writers), that Kobe could, when its all said and done, become known as greater than MJ.
Well, that fantasy is finished now, ain't it?
I'm not saying that, with the team he had behind him, a Michael Jordan, a PRIME Micheal Jordan could've have taken out the Celtics in this championship... but he would have made damn sure it went 7 games... he would've made damn sure there was no game four comeback mind-blower that brought back memories of a time when three white men in green jerseys ran the court for 48 minutes clean.
And there is absolutely no way in hell Micheal Jordan would've allowed his team to lose the championship by an astounding 39 points.
My only disappointment is that Kobe didn't give up mid-way into the 4th quarter and just walked out of the building. That would've been great.
L.A. should've chose Shaq.
But you know, I am not the biggest basketball fan. They lost me right around the time Allen Iverson was allowed to be a thug who could play hoops. Iverson should be in the shoot program at Pelican Bay, or at least he should've been... maybe he grew up since, I haven't kept updated. My basketball days ended when the Bulls started winning every year and Magic caught the AIDS and Larry's back broke him down.
Showtime vs Pride. That was MY NBA.
And I was a Magic Johnson fan. I loved the Lakers. Loved the no-look passes... loved the Skyhook. LOVED the Baby Skyhook. Loved that James Worthy and Byron Scott only woke up when it was a must win.
The Celtics? Ugh... HATED Red Aubach. Thought he was a senile old fart who developed NO bench. Just let Bird, McHale, Parish, DJ, and Ainge do all of the heavy work... although it was a trip watching Bill Walton limp around towards the end of the dynasty.
But back then, the 80's... Celtics/Lakers... Bird/Magic... as diametrically opposite as you can get... coming up at the exact same time. You could not ask for a better rivalry.
And as time went on, I developed a healthy love for the old Celtics. Dennis Johnson... a mulatto old dude with liver freckles all over his face... no one, and I mean NO one drew a foul like he did. Just rub the man, nub into him as gently as possible... he would stick a foot in the air (about eye level) start waving his arms wildly, then wipe out on the parquet floor. The ref would stare at him, think "Well, I did't see anything, but DAMN that boy wiped out"... and blow the whistle. Foul!! The Lakers might have been "Showtime", but they didn't have exclusive rights.
And then there was Larry... the sniper. The Legend. Where Magic was the general, preferring to set up plays rather then score on them, Bird was the professional assasin. Where Magic never talked the trash... Bird, that white as snow yokel from Indiana, the hillbilliest inbred to ever bounce a ball that wasn't hanging from his joint... that sonafabitch would tell the Laker bench where he would be shooting... point his finger TO THE EXACT SPOT where he would be shooting... flip off Jack Nicholson... and then shoot the damn thing and NAIL it. He would do it time and time again.
This was New England in the 80's. The Red Sox weren't winning shit (although we had Roger Clemens when he was cool), the Patriots were years away from hiring Bill Parcells, the Bruins were the same assholes no one really pays attention to today. All Boston had were the Celtics... a starting five of three white boys, one black as Nigeria center, a mulatto wipe-out artist... and a black head coach. It was tradition, meat and potatoes, and an old school building where the vistors locker room never could get the air conditioner going.
And you had L.A. With Magic all smiles and personality who was bringing in new fans by the millions. With Kareen Abdul Jabbar, who had the unblockable skyhook as his all-exclusive weapon, and a stoic frown that only recently did we learn he never turned off. We had James Worthy who... scored points... Byron Scott who tried to make a place for himself among all these superstars...
And goddamm Kurt Rambis!!! A fucking white geek with horned rimmed glasses who was just barely good enough to play in the NBA, but his hustle and almost made him an honorary Celtic.
Historic, simple green and white vs flashy and gaudy purple and yellow. Working class drunk fans vs high end celebrity... (and hand it to Jack Nicholson for never giving up, even when the Lakers went through their post-80's depression) Mangled English language vs perfect teeth and brilliant smiles.
This. Was. A. RIVALRY!!
And then the Pistons built a program... and Bill Laimbeer became the first player EVER to make both Robert Parish AND Larry Bird lose their cool and start throwing down in the middle of a game. Finally, a team BOTH Boston and L.A. fans could agree to hate unanimously.
(Celtics radio in the 80's: Bill Laimbeer gets called for a foul, Bill Laimbeer gives his finest "Shocked and Outraged Face", Johnny Most, legendary Celtics play by play radio announcer... with a voice only slightly deeper and cragglier then Burgess Meredith... shouts, "My name is Bill Laimbeer, I play for the world champion Detroit Pistons, and I have a RIGHT to do that!!")
And then... and then a first round draftee by the name of Lenny Bias celebrated his new life as a Celtic by blowing his brains out on bad cocaine... and then Michael Jordan decided it was time to become the greatest player to ever walk on a basketball court. And it was a new era.
So... yeah... while Kevin Garnett is for sure intense enough to earn the green uniform and all it stands for... and Paul Pierce spent ten years in the uniform and becoming a man before our eyes... and Ray Allen was just a quietly talented player rotting away in fucking miserable ass Milwaukee, then wet, mid-market Seattle... waiting for HIS team to form... and while big money brought tradition back to Boston (get used to it, my friends)... it doesn't give us the rivalry.
And there will NEVER be a rivalry quite like the time when the team led by the black Houdini would toe up with the team led by the sharphooter from French Lick.
And occasionally, the assholes from Detroit
Well, at least we still have the Yankees and the Red Sox.
LETS do some COMMENTS!
TOMORROW!!!
Oh shut up... here... rock out with the nastiest hardcore metal song that the 00s has produced, so far...
No video... fuck the video... just jam to this a few dozen times and then crank this sucker on then go anal all over her ass! Or go beat the shit out of some asshole!!! GO MENTAL, YOU SICKO FREAKS!!!!
I think this song is about a stripper... not too sure. At first I thought Zombie was giving props to every girl I ever bedded... but how would he know?
No, don't even bother.
****
One thing no one caught on with this WWE Million Dollar give-away is Vince's honesty. He's saying, "Look, we want old viewers back. Please, come back, we'll see about paying you."
If they want old viewers back, Vince should give Brian Gerwitz the boot. The Jew ain't writing funny bits anymore. His segments pretty much brings the whole show to a screeching halt... and its not like the wrestlers are good enough actors to sell these bad lines anyway.
Sex sells. Put the divas into the storylines and give them love scenes. The 14 year old male demo will come a'runnin'
And lets look at Ashley... a face so blown out they are afraid to shoot close-ups anymore (kind'a like when they gave Chyna the wide, WIDE shot for a few months), she was thrown out of the building during TV tapings because she was so wasted she couldn't function, she embarrassed the very idea of WWE Divas being super tough by lasting 2 whole weeks on "Survivor", she can't wrestle, she hurts herself constantly, she is passed around more than Lita in Mexico...
and now "Rolling Stone" says she was part of a high end escort service operation... and she meekly wrote something about calling a lawyer and that was the end of it. Even Meltzer says, "Dude, its her."
Why is she still employeed?
Either Cena goes to Smackdown or Triple H surprises everyone by agreeing to go there for a year. And I think Raw might bring in the Undertaker and/or Rey Misterio. And let's get Carlito on ECW where he would have the time of his life.
Ah, and Batista to Raw and will eventually be managed by a heel Ric Flair.
Punk to Smackdown.
******
Currently on IWC scene... Meltzer hooked up with Brian Alverez just so he won't have to do any web work save for writing his daily columns and let that mark Alverez do EVERYTHING... and with a giant smile.
I never gave a crap about Bryan Alverez until one week he devoted many, many pages from his Figure Four Newsletter (ie: Last week's Observer, slightly re-written) to the movie Karate Kid. He tried his damndest to rag on it and cut it down and point out its silly plot holes... and I'm pretty sure he thought he was a riot while doing so...
Yeah, well... too bad Bill Simmons over at ESPN.com did the exact same dissection years before... only HE dissected the second and third movie too. I swear Alverez stumbled upon it, read it, LOVED it, and tried to do the same thing thinking tyat no one would catch on.
He's another one I'd bitch slap with my dick.
Jason Powell has never had an opinion I respect or learn anything from. The dude is as bland as sex with Canadian home contractors. He also should file a massive lawsuit... a class action suit against anyone and everyone who ever told him he was funny... beginning with his mother and ending with every choked out rent boy he ever hooked up with Queer as Folk style in some of Minnesota's shadier gay bathhouses.
One day I am convinced we will read about some dude in Minnesota who was caught publically masterbating and throwing his splooge at middle-aged bank tellers... I can't I.D. this poor soul with a closet full of skeletons that is just about to burst... but his name rhymes with "Lade Smeller"
Once you learn that those good ol' reliable kids at the Lords of Pain are still delievering all of everyone's news in a timely manner... you just don't need to visit PWInsider.com... and thus you don't need to learn what nonsense Dave Scherer is up to.
Who's that kid at 411 who one guy spent major effort trying to get me to rag on... Jeff Smalls? Well... he has two big "gimmicks":
1) He spends crucial amount of column space doing...
Wait for it....
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
2) He ends every column with... I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, someone out there wants me to cut down a dude... in front of my dozen readers... whose two big gimmicks are rip offs of Anchorman and Chevy Chase?
No, I mean DIRECT rip-offs.
Man... fuck you, asshole. And fuck this kid. He's below me. Beneath me... even here... doing a stupid blog for 10 people (half of them girls... one or two in straight up love with me, BOOYA!!) he's beneath me.
In fact, the only asshole less original than Jeff Smalls is the one whose been begging me to trash him. ASSHOLE!!
UGH!! Whammy... wham your ass with a rusty garden weasel, fag.
Bryan Alverez... Jeff Small... you people see why I had to get out? I just couldn't hang with these original thinkers.
Fuckheads... the lot of them
*****
I've discussed him before, and featured 2 of his books for my old book club thing.
Rick Reilly, now part of "ESPN The Magazine", is probably my favorite sports writer ever... which doesn't mean he can't screw up once or twice.
Years ago, he wrote a column where he finally went to the one place no one else wanted to go, and went ahead and declared Kobe Bryant "better than Jordan". His main point was that Kobe achieved much more at his age then Jordan did at the same.
I think...
See, I think this was his point, I can't pull the article out from his archives online. It's been erased from history.
Why? Because a few weeks after Reilly hailed Kobe as better then Jordan, Kobe was charged with raping that girl in Colorado. BYE BYE COLUMN!!!
Years passed, and while Reilly hasn't really made any declarations about Kobe's skill, there were whispers and mumbles throughout the sports writing world (mostly from the Los Angeles writers), that Kobe could, when its all said and done, become known as greater than MJ.
Well, that fantasy is finished now, ain't it?
I'm not saying that, with the team he had behind him, a Michael Jordan, a PRIME Micheal Jordan could've have taken out the Celtics in this championship... but he would have made damn sure it went 7 games... he would've made damn sure there was no game four comeback mind-blower that brought back memories of a time when three white men in green jerseys ran the court for 48 minutes clean.
And there is absolutely no way in hell Micheal Jordan would've allowed his team to lose the championship by an astounding 39 points.
My only disappointment is that Kobe didn't give up mid-way into the 4th quarter and just walked out of the building. That would've been great.
L.A. should've chose Shaq.
But you know, I am not the biggest basketball fan. They lost me right around the time Allen Iverson was allowed to be a thug who could play hoops. Iverson should be in the shoot program at Pelican Bay, or at least he should've been... maybe he grew up since, I haven't kept updated. My basketball days ended when the Bulls started winning every year and Magic caught the AIDS and Larry's back broke him down.
Showtime vs Pride. That was MY NBA.
And I was a Magic Johnson fan. I loved the Lakers. Loved the no-look passes... loved the Skyhook. LOVED the Baby Skyhook. Loved that James Worthy and Byron Scott only woke up when it was a must win.
The Celtics? Ugh... HATED Red Aubach. Thought he was a senile old fart who developed NO bench. Just let Bird, McHale, Parish, DJ, and Ainge do all of the heavy work... although it was a trip watching Bill Walton limp around towards the end of the dynasty.
But back then, the 80's... Celtics/Lakers... Bird/Magic... as diametrically opposite as you can get... coming up at the exact same time. You could not ask for a better rivalry.
And as time went on, I developed a healthy love for the old Celtics. Dennis Johnson... a mulatto old dude with liver freckles all over his face... no one, and I mean NO one drew a foul like he did. Just rub the man, nub into him as gently as possible... he would stick a foot in the air (about eye level) start waving his arms wildly, then wipe out on the parquet floor. The ref would stare at him, think "Well, I did't see anything, but DAMN that boy wiped out"... and blow the whistle. Foul!! The Lakers might have been "Showtime", but they didn't have exclusive rights.
And then there was Larry... the sniper. The Legend. Where Magic was the general, preferring to set up plays rather then score on them, Bird was the professional assasin. Where Magic never talked the trash... Bird, that white as snow yokel from Indiana, the hillbilliest inbred to ever bounce a ball that wasn't hanging from his joint... that sonafabitch would tell the Laker bench where he would be shooting... point his finger TO THE EXACT SPOT where he would be shooting... flip off Jack Nicholson... and then shoot the damn thing and NAIL it. He would do it time and time again.
This was New England in the 80's. The Red Sox weren't winning shit (although we had Roger Clemens when he was cool), the Patriots were years away from hiring Bill Parcells, the Bruins were the same assholes no one really pays attention to today. All Boston had were the Celtics... a starting five of three white boys, one black as Nigeria center, a mulatto wipe-out artist... and a black head coach. It was tradition, meat and potatoes, and an old school building where the vistors locker room never could get the air conditioner going.
And you had L.A. With Magic all smiles and personality who was bringing in new fans by the millions. With Kareen Abdul Jabbar, who had the unblockable skyhook as his all-exclusive weapon, and a stoic frown that only recently did we learn he never turned off. We had James Worthy who... scored points... Byron Scott who tried to make a place for himself among all these superstars...
And goddamm Kurt Rambis!!! A fucking white geek with horned rimmed glasses who was just barely good enough to play in the NBA, but his hustle and almost made him an honorary Celtic.
Historic, simple green and white vs flashy and gaudy purple and yellow. Working class drunk fans vs high end celebrity... (and hand it to Jack Nicholson for never giving up, even when the Lakers went through their post-80's depression) Mangled English language vs perfect teeth and brilliant smiles.
This. Was. A. RIVALRY!!
And then the Pistons built a program... and Bill Laimbeer became the first player EVER to make both Robert Parish AND Larry Bird lose their cool and start throwing down in the middle of a game. Finally, a team BOTH Boston and L.A. fans could agree to hate unanimously.
(Celtics radio in the 80's: Bill Laimbeer gets called for a foul, Bill Laimbeer gives his finest "Shocked and Outraged Face", Johnny Most, legendary Celtics play by play radio announcer... with a voice only slightly deeper and cragglier then Burgess Meredith... shouts, "My name is Bill Laimbeer, I play for the world champion Detroit Pistons, and I have a RIGHT to do that!!")
And then... and then a first round draftee by the name of Lenny Bias celebrated his new life as a Celtic by blowing his brains out on bad cocaine... and then Michael Jordan decided it was time to become the greatest player to ever walk on a basketball court. And it was a new era.
So... yeah... while Kevin Garnett is for sure intense enough to earn the green uniform and all it stands for... and Paul Pierce spent ten years in the uniform and becoming a man before our eyes... and Ray Allen was just a quietly talented player rotting away in fucking miserable ass Milwaukee, then wet, mid-market Seattle... waiting for HIS team to form... and while big money brought tradition back to Boston (get used to it, my friends)... it doesn't give us the rivalry.
And there will NEVER be a rivalry quite like the time when the team led by the black Houdini would toe up with the team led by the sharphooter from French Lick.
And occasionally, the assholes from Detroit
Well, at least we still have the Yankees and the Red Sox.
LETS do some COMMENTS!
TOMORROW!!!
Oh shut up... here... rock out with the nastiest hardcore metal song that the 00s has produced, so far...
No video... fuck the video... just jam to this a few dozen times and then crank this sucker on then go anal all over her ass! Or go beat the shit out of some asshole!!! GO MENTAL, YOU SICKO FREAKS!!!!
I think this song is about a stripper... not too sure. At first I thought Zombie was giving props to every girl I ever bedded... but how would he know?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Black girls, black Presidents, black gold, black hearts, blocked Daddys, and black pearls gone missing
So if you read the comments sections (and you better, they are an integral part of this extravaganza), you know that someone ratted me out about having a Facebook page.
And so help me... if "Hyatte" shows up on MySpace or Facebook... you KNOW that's a poser. You all know where I stand on that sort of bullcrap.
Except... umm.... heh....
well.... the thing of it is.... I DID create a Facebook account for about a week. Then I deleted it after feeling my asshole loosen up every time I logged on. The funny thing is who invited me to be facebook friends...
Scooter Keith!! Yea!
Me: Sometime in March
I guess I forgot to delete it.
Now before anyone else starts looking, it's pretty much a blank page. My name - the real one and the net one - is nowhere to be found. I don't even use "Chris". I don't know why I still have it, but there you go. I'll probably delete it away as its pretty much useless now.
****
Current music: The all Rolling Stones channel on AOL Radio
Current beverage: MGD
Current mood: Jacks, baby.
****
Incidentally, I do scream "ACES, BABY!!!" in real life and it ALWAYS gets a good reaction. The phenom is catching on. Girls like it too.
****
Worst thing Barack Obama can do is put Hillary in as his running mate. The culturally open-minded (ie: New England, the Northwest, California, New York) are his for the taking, but it's the south and the Mid-West (you know, the red states)going to need a LOT of convincing to elect a brother into the office for the first time. They ain't going to do it if he's got a woman as his back-up.
And so far, no one is talking about oil prices and how people can't afford to drive to work. McCain can't say anything because big oil floated him the money to continue running (remember when he was broke and laying off his staff left and right?) That's the campaign to run on... give us oil we can afford!
Yeah, yeah, I know its more complicated than that. But Presidents are elected on simple ideals spoken through pure charisma. Bill Clinton could still be President today if they eliminated the two terms and you're out rule... people loved him. Al Gore walked and talked as if whoever was pulling his strings was dead drunk that day. George Bush suckered us in by being a personable good ol' Texas boy. "I'm easy to get along with." He once said during a debate with Gore. "I'll hear what you got to say."
Bush was never our problem. Dick Cheney, however, is the most evil motherfucker alive. You know, traditionally, the Vice President makes a run for the White House once his ticket's 8 years wraps up. Cheney doesn't have the nerve to try. He doesn't want to give us the opportunity to tell him what we feel about him.
I'd make a joke about wishing something horrible on him, but the Secret Service doesn't take jokes like that too well. So let's just say I hope he dies of natural causes, surrounded by family and friends, but I hope he embarrasses himself by unloading a gigantic load in his diapers 10 minutes before he passes and he HAS TO SPEND THE LAST TEN MINUTES OF HIS LIFE LYING IN HIS OWN CHUNKY DIARRHEA!!!
An evil man
And yes, electing McCain IS basically going for Bush: Part III. Except McCain will make his own decisions. However, those decisions WILL veer hard toward the right.
Ahhh, just vote for the brother and lets see what he can do.
By the way, have you SEEN the way people take to him during his speeches? The dude is a rock star.
Is America ready for a Commander-In-Chief with purple, liver lips? Tim Russert WILL find out.
*****
My parrot dances. This has been tested. When party music WITH A GOOD BEAT is playing, he bobs his head up and down. He stops when I turn the channel to non-music fare. Then I turn it back and he's dancing again. Up and down. It's amazing. I love this bird. Plus you can hit him pretty hard and he doesn't get hurt. And he will patiently wait for me to finish masterbating before coming over to play.
****
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was... well... its as I thought, the worst movie of the bunch but no critic will admit this.
I mean really, who wants to piss all over Harrison Ford? He's a likeable guy, a guy who makes the sort of movies we like to cheer him on in. And we grew up watching Indy get caught up in all sorts of delightful adventures. Plus, he and Spielberg collaborated on some of the finest action sequences the moies have ever given us.
But this last movie... they did it for the money. It was 100% greed.
And Spielberg, who is probably the only man alive who can tell George Lucas "No", didn't. You can see Lucas's influence all over this flick. That dopey, convoluted ending.
And Karen Allen... what the JESUS??? In the first movie she had bite, snap, great lines. She had BALLS! This time around, it was like the wrote a generic part for any female, and it was just by chance that this actress was in the first film. They gave her, NO lines to work with, NO scenes to let her stand out. One of the most important roles in the movie, one that tied this one with the first one... and they gave her nothing to do.
And we found out why Karen Allen hasn't had any work in the last twenty years. She hasn't been the same since she played that teacher who blew up in the rocket ship in that TV movie.
And no one came to this movie to see Shia Lepoof... well, okay, maybe some teenage girls... well okay... maybe a lot of them... and maybe that explains why he got to do most of the CHEAP special effect work in the centerpiece action sequence while the old man Indy hung back in the car chugging geritol. Okay... fine.
And the SETS! I swear I thought I saw the door to the Paramount backlot just beyond the trees in a few of those jungle sets.
The whole film was made on the cheapo so the star, the director, and the producer could squeeze a few more million dollar bills out of this dead franchise one last time.
At least Ray Winstone was in it... he was the BEST part of The Departed (and there was a LOT of good things about that movie.)
"Then make more money! This is America! If you don't make money, then you're a douchebag!"
*****
I lost my Blackberry, its long gone, baby gone. So if you're calling me and I ain't answering, that's why. It's not me being a dick. I lost my phone. My poor father must be freaking out. He probably thinks I cut him off again. "HE TURNED HIS PHONE OFF AGAIN????"
I'm also sort of amused by the idea that whoever found the phone and looked through it is wondering why some guy in Boston has the number of the dude from the Red Hot Chili Peppers on his speed dial. Hyuck.
*****
Currently, I am explaining to Ham Slow just how beneficial my long, strong, piano playing fingers can be. I also told her I recieved rave reviews for being a bobcat in the sack. She responded well.
I know it's not the suavest move in the books, but its all I got. I have to use what I got. She loves the whole "Aces" phenom too. And I don't think she has ANYONE on her MySpace buddy list that she likes more then me... so that's a plus too.
AND she gets pissy when I ignore her too... which I have, for days. That's the plus side to assuming you'll be alone for your whole life, you never have to blink first.
*******
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY...
From the Inside Pulse era: Early Summer '05
THE BANDIT VS THE WIDOWMAKER
Flea and I had a discussion over this… and I thought it would be fun to bring it to YOU, John Q Hungry for Entertainment:
You all know who Burt Reynolds is, right? Top Box Office Movie star of the 70’s… still appears in a smattering of films today, both low-budget and big time. He’s the Bandit from Smoky & The Bandit.
You all know who Barry Windham is, right? Top Wrestling star of the 80’s… still appears on the Indy scene today. He’s the Widowmaker from late 80’s, early 90’s WWF.
Well, HOW are these two folks similiar? Other than both live primarily in Florida?
Well, as usual, a WOMAN is involved…
There is actually a pro wrestling connection in a roundabout way in the news story about Burt Reynolds and former girlfriend Pamela Seals settling both of their lawsuits against each other after the break-up. Before hooking up with Reynolds, Seals was the girlfriend of Barry Windham.
I forgot where this was pulled from… but there you go…
So if you were a chick… or if you are… who would YOU rather be seen with? Who did Seals have the better time with?
WHO WON THE TALE OF THE TAPE???
-BURT REYNOLDS: made The Longest Yard and Smokey & The Bandit and Deliverance
BARRY WINDHAM: was a Horseman
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: f*cked Sally Field when she was young.
BARRY WINDHAM: f*cked Babydoll
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Beat up Judy Carne
BARRY WINDHAM: Beat up Indy promoters who stiffed him
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Gave all his money to Loni Anderson
BARRY WINDHAM: Spent all his money on cocaine and Jack Daniels
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Dodged AIDS rumors
BARRY WINDHAM: Dodged GAY rumors
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was Sharkey
BARRY WINDHAM: Was The Stalker
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: 4 people paid to see Sharkey’s Machine
BARRY WINDHAM: 100′000 people paid to see him on the Great American Bash tour in the
80’s
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a facelift so tight he shouldn’t be allowed outdoors
BARRY WINDHAM: Has Blackjack Mulligan’s face
WINNER: TIE
-BURT REYNOLDS: Tag teamed bitches with Terry Bradshaw
BARRY WINDHAM: Tag teamed the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff with Mike Rotunda
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: appeared damn near naked in Playgirl
BARRY WINDHAM: appeared damn near naked in Pro Wrestling Illustrated
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Carried Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Carried Lex Luger
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Sold for Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Sold for Ric Flair
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Played Boss Hogg
BARRY WINDHAM: Eats like Boss Hogg
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a condo next to Vince McMahon
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows Vince McMahon’s condo’s lawn
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was once better looking than Jon Voight
BARRY WINDHAM: Is ALWAYS better looking than Jon Voight
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BARRY WINDHAM: Gets shirtless and lets men touch him from behind
BURT REYNOLDS: Sits back and lets Ned Beatty deal with that fag nonsense
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Got drunk and announced at Wrestlemania
BARRY WINDHAM: Got drunk and WRESTLED at Wrestlemania
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was on Johnny Carson
BARRY WINDHAM: Watched Burt on Johnny Carson
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BARRY WINDHAM: Has the Iron Claw
BURT REYNOLDS: The only Iron Claw he knows is the one Loni had on his bank account
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Made movies with high pay-offs
BARRY WINDHAM: The highest pay-off he ever had was when Dusty stuck him with the
buffet check
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in The Longest Yard
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows McMahon’s lawn… and it’s the longest fuckin' yard in town!
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in Deliverence
BARRY WINDHAM: Only “Deliverence” he knows is when he delivered David Crockett his coffee
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Hung with Willie Nelson
BARRY WINDHAM: Hung with the Midnight Rider
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BARRY WINDHAM: Finisher is the Superplex
BURT REYNOLDS: Finisher is “Pay Alimony”
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a hideous toupee that makes him look like an alien
BARRY WINDHAM: Sometimes wears a hideous mustache that makes him look like Blackjack
Mulligan
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Rode Clydesdale horses
BARRY WINDHAM: Once let some asshole named Ron Bass ride him like a pony
WINNER: REYNOLDS
And the final score is… REYNOLDS: 14…. WINDHAM: 10.
And there you have it… it’s better to date Burt Reynolds!
Back in a couple of days with comments answered and basketball talk.
And so help me... if "Hyatte" shows up on MySpace or Facebook... you KNOW that's a poser. You all know where I stand on that sort of bullcrap.
Except... umm.... heh....
well.... the thing of it is.... I DID create a Facebook account for about a week. Then I deleted it after feeling my asshole loosen up every time I logged on. The funny thing is who invited me to be facebook friends...
Scooter Keith!! Yea!
Me: Sometime in March
I guess I forgot to delete it.
Now before anyone else starts looking, it's pretty much a blank page. My name - the real one and the net one - is nowhere to be found. I don't even use "Chris". I don't know why I still have it, but there you go. I'll probably delete it away as its pretty much useless now.
****
Current music: The all Rolling Stones channel on AOL Radio
Current beverage: MGD
Current mood: Jacks, baby.
****
Incidentally, I do scream "ACES, BABY!!!" in real life and it ALWAYS gets a good reaction. The phenom is catching on. Girls like it too.
****
Worst thing Barack Obama can do is put Hillary in as his running mate. The culturally open-minded (ie: New England, the Northwest, California, New York) are his for the taking, but it's the south and the Mid-West (you know, the red states)going to need a LOT of convincing to elect a brother into the office for the first time. They ain't going to do it if he's got a woman as his back-up.
And so far, no one is talking about oil prices and how people can't afford to drive to work. McCain can't say anything because big oil floated him the money to continue running (remember when he was broke and laying off his staff left and right?) That's the campaign to run on... give us oil we can afford!
Yeah, yeah, I know its more complicated than that. But Presidents are elected on simple ideals spoken through pure charisma. Bill Clinton could still be President today if they eliminated the two terms and you're out rule... people loved him. Al Gore walked and talked as if whoever was pulling his strings was dead drunk that day. George Bush suckered us in by being a personable good ol' Texas boy. "I'm easy to get along with." He once said during a debate with Gore. "I'll hear what you got to say."
Bush was never our problem. Dick Cheney, however, is the most evil motherfucker alive. You know, traditionally, the Vice President makes a run for the White House once his ticket's 8 years wraps up. Cheney doesn't have the nerve to try. He doesn't want to give us the opportunity to tell him what we feel about him.
I'd make a joke about wishing something horrible on him, but the Secret Service doesn't take jokes like that too well. So let's just say I hope he dies of natural causes, surrounded by family and friends, but I hope he embarrasses himself by unloading a gigantic load in his diapers 10 minutes before he passes and he HAS TO SPEND THE LAST TEN MINUTES OF HIS LIFE LYING IN HIS OWN CHUNKY DIARRHEA!!!
An evil man
And yes, electing McCain IS basically going for Bush: Part III. Except McCain will make his own decisions. However, those decisions WILL veer hard toward the right.
Ahhh, just vote for the brother and lets see what he can do.
By the way, have you SEEN the way people take to him during his speeches? The dude is a rock star.
Is America ready for a Commander-In-Chief with purple, liver lips? Tim Russert WILL find out.
*****
My parrot dances. This has been tested. When party music WITH A GOOD BEAT is playing, he bobs his head up and down. He stops when I turn the channel to non-music fare. Then I turn it back and he's dancing again. Up and down. It's amazing. I love this bird. Plus you can hit him pretty hard and he doesn't get hurt. And he will patiently wait for me to finish masterbating before coming over to play.
****
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was... well... its as I thought, the worst movie of the bunch but no critic will admit this.
I mean really, who wants to piss all over Harrison Ford? He's a likeable guy, a guy who makes the sort of movies we like to cheer him on in. And we grew up watching Indy get caught up in all sorts of delightful adventures. Plus, he and Spielberg collaborated on some of the finest action sequences the moies have ever given us.
But this last movie... they did it for the money. It was 100% greed.
And Spielberg, who is probably the only man alive who can tell George Lucas "No", didn't. You can see Lucas's influence all over this flick. That dopey, convoluted ending.
And Karen Allen... what the JESUS??? In the first movie she had bite, snap, great lines. She had BALLS! This time around, it was like the wrote a generic part for any female, and it was just by chance that this actress was in the first film. They gave her, NO lines to work with, NO scenes to let her stand out. One of the most important roles in the movie, one that tied this one with the first one... and they gave her nothing to do.
And we found out why Karen Allen hasn't had any work in the last twenty years. She hasn't been the same since she played that teacher who blew up in the rocket ship in that TV movie.
And no one came to this movie to see Shia Lepoof... well, okay, maybe some teenage girls... well okay... maybe a lot of them... and maybe that explains why he got to do most of the CHEAP special effect work in the centerpiece action sequence while the old man Indy hung back in the car chugging geritol. Okay... fine.
And the SETS! I swear I thought I saw the door to the Paramount backlot just beyond the trees in a few of those jungle sets.
The whole film was made on the cheapo so the star, the director, and the producer could squeeze a few more million dollar bills out of this dead franchise one last time.
At least Ray Winstone was in it... he was the BEST part of The Departed (and there was a LOT of good things about that movie.)
"Then make more money! This is America! If you don't make money, then you're a douchebag!"
*****
I lost my Blackberry, its long gone, baby gone. So if you're calling me and I ain't answering, that's why. It's not me being a dick. I lost my phone. My poor father must be freaking out. He probably thinks I cut him off again. "HE TURNED HIS PHONE OFF AGAIN????"
I'm also sort of amused by the idea that whoever found the phone and looked through it is wondering why some guy in Boston has the number of the dude from the Red Hot Chili Peppers on his speed dial. Hyuck.
*****
Currently, I am explaining to Ham Slow just how beneficial my long, strong, piano playing fingers can be. I also told her I recieved rave reviews for being a bobcat in the sack. She responded well.
I know it's not the suavest move in the books, but its all I got. I have to use what I got. She loves the whole "Aces" phenom too. And I don't think she has ANYONE on her MySpace buddy list that she likes more then me... so that's a plus too.
AND she gets pissy when I ignore her too... which I have, for days. That's the plus side to assuming you'll be alone for your whole life, you never have to blink first.
*******
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY...
From the Inside Pulse era: Early Summer '05
THE BANDIT VS THE WIDOWMAKER
Flea and I had a discussion over this… and I thought it would be fun to bring it to YOU, John Q Hungry for Entertainment:
You all know who Burt Reynolds is, right? Top Box Office Movie star of the 70’s… still appears in a smattering of films today, both low-budget and big time. He’s the Bandit from Smoky & The Bandit.
You all know who Barry Windham is, right? Top Wrestling star of the 80’s… still appears on the Indy scene today. He’s the Widowmaker from late 80’s, early 90’s WWF.
Well, HOW are these two folks similiar? Other than both live primarily in Florida?
Well, as usual, a WOMAN is involved…
There is actually a pro wrestling connection in a roundabout way in the news story about Burt Reynolds and former girlfriend Pamela Seals settling both of their lawsuits against each other after the break-up. Before hooking up with Reynolds, Seals was the girlfriend of Barry Windham.
I forgot where this was pulled from… but there you go…
So if you were a chick… or if you are… who would YOU rather be seen with? Who did Seals have the better time with?
WHO WON THE TALE OF THE TAPE???
-BURT REYNOLDS: made The Longest Yard and Smokey & The Bandit and Deliverance
BARRY WINDHAM: was a Horseman
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: f*cked Sally Field when she was young.
BARRY WINDHAM: f*cked Babydoll
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Beat up Judy Carne
BARRY WINDHAM: Beat up Indy promoters who stiffed him
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Gave all his money to Loni Anderson
BARRY WINDHAM: Spent all his money on cocaine and Jack Daniels
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Dodged AIDS rumors
BARRY WINDHAM: Dodged GAY rumors
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was Sharkey
BARRY WINDHAM: Was The Stalker
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: 4 people paid to see Sharkey’s Machine
BARRY WINDHAM: 100′000 people paid to see him on the Great American Bash tour in the
80’s
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a facelift so tight he shouldn’t be allowed outdoors
BARRY WINDHAM: Has Blackjack Mulligan’s face
WINNER: TIE
-BURT REYNOLDS: Tag teamed bitches with Terry Bradshaw
BARRY WINDHAM: Tag teamed the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff with Mike Rotunda
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: appeared damn near naked in Playgirl
BARRY WINDHAM: appeared damn near naked in Pro Wrestling Illustrated
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Carried Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Carried Lex Luger
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Sold for Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Sold for Ric Flair
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Played Boss Hogg
BARRY WINDHAM: Eats like Boss Hogg
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a condo next to Vince McMahon
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows Vince McMahon’s condo’s lawn
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was once better looking than Jon Voight
BARRY WINDHAM: Is ALWAYS better looking than Jon Voight
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BARRY WINDHAM: Gets shirtless and lets men touch him from behind
BURT REYNOLDS: Sits back and lets Ned Beatty deal with that fag nonsense
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Got drunk and announced at Wrestlemania
BARRY WINDHAM: Got drunk and WRESTLED at Wrestlemania
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Was on Johnny Carson
BARRY WINDHAM: Watched Burt on Johnny Carson
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BARRY WINDHAM: Has the Iron Claw
BURT REYNOLDS: The only Iron Claw he knows is the one Loni had on his bank account
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Made movies with high pay-offs
BARRY WINDHAM: The highest pay-off he ever had was when Dusty stuck him with the
buffet check
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in The Longest Yard
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows McMahon’s lawn… and it’s the longest fuckin' yard in town!
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in Deliverence
BARRY WINDHAM: Only “Deliverence” he knows is when he delivered David Crockett his coffee
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BURT REYNOLDS: Hung with Willie Nelson
BARRY WINDHAM: Hung with the Midnight Rider
WINNER: REYNOLDS
-BARRY WINDHAM: Finisher is the Superplex
BURT REYNOLDS: Finisher is “Pay Alimony”
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Has a hideous toupee that makes him look like an alien
BARRY WINDHAM: Sometimes wears a hideous mustache that makes him look like Blackjack
Mulligan
WINNER: WINDHAM
-BURT REYNOLDS: Rode Clydesdale horses
BARRY WINDHAM: Once let some asshole named Ron Bass ride him like a pony
WINNER: REYNOLDS
And the final score is… REYNOLDS: 14…. WINDHAM: 10.
And there you have it… it’s better to date Burt Reynolds!
Back in a couple of days with comments answered and basketball talk.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Back when I was Funny, Steady, Interesting...
I have a nice blog coming in a day or two. In the meantime, enjoy this blast from the past.
I found it at Inside Pulse, so I KNOW no one's read this in years... Widro did just that good a job burying my past columns
I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
It takes a lot for America to want you DEAD!…
But by God we’ll FEED YOU FIRST!!
Been a’while since I did this… and it’s well liked, so here it is again.
The following are a list of final meals taken by inmates before they rode the
Prisoner #778682… John Wayne Gacy killed 05/10/94 (Illinois): a dozen deep-fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, french fries, a pound of strawberries (Ugh… Deep dish… I hope they gave him a SPOON to go with that soup on a crust. Deep dish pizza, possibly the biggest bungle in Chicago history since they let the Irish and Poles take over)
Prisoner #976… Richard Beavers killed 05/10/94 (Texas): six pieces of french toast with butter and syrup, six barbecued spare ribs, six “well-burnt” pieces of bacon, four scrambled eggs, five “well-cooked” sausage patties, french fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, four cartons of milk. (Brother went and set himself up a BUFFET, yo! He was making DAMN sure the guards would get a few handfuls of shit when getting him out of his undies!)
Prisoner #455 … Thomas J. Grasso killed 03/20/95 (Oklahoma): before getting the needle, makes a statement: “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.” (Man… no wonder he killed twenty nuns… he was ALWAYS getting f*cked over by THE MAN!!)
Prisoner #833478… Lonnie Weeks Jr. killed 09/05/99 (unknown): oven-fried chicken, rice pilaf, cucumber and onion salad, bread and margarine (Now we’re talking… nothing tastier than a good bowl of fluffy, buttery PILAF!!)
Prisoner #546… Joe Trevino killed 08/18/05 (Texas): fried chicken, salad dressing with Italian dressing, raw carrots and cucumbers, watermelon, strawberry milkshake (Fried Chicken? Watermelon? Don’t need a picture to tell that this boy didn’t need the chair to brown up his skin tone)
Prisoner #657… Alan Willett killed 09/08/99 (Arkansas): beef jerky, barbecue-flavored potato chips, onion dip, garlic dip, buttered popcorn, Pepsi. (before getting the needle, makes a statement “I did not get my Sour Cream and Chives Potato chips. I want the press to know this.” Rat bastard screws… probably ate them as he fried)
Prisoner #890… Timothy McVeigh killed 06/10/02 (Indiana): two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream (awww…. they should have pardoned the little rascal)
Prisoner #778682… Amos King killed 02/26/03 (Florida): Requested Thai food, but was denied because he had previously been served three “last” meals and eaten two of them (Heh… fat slob… to the end he tried to take a mile when given an inch).
Prisoner #976… Cedric Ransom killed 07/23/03 (Texas): declined a last meal. (He held his waistline up for RANSOM!! GET IT??? THE WIT IS BACK, YOU FRUITASSES!! HYATTE RULES!!)
Prisoner #455 … Henry Lee Hunt killed 09/12/03 (North Carolina): medium Domino’s pizza with pepperoni, hamburger, canadian bacon, sausage, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, Coke (In lieu of a tip, the delivery boy got to flip the switch.)
Prisoner #833478… Edward Hartman killed 10/03/03 (North Carolina): Greek salad, linguini with white clam sauce, garlic bread, cheesecake with cherry topping, Coke (Now you can tell Ed was white! Who else would eat such a classy meal?)
I found it at Inside Pulse, so I KNOW no one's read this in years... Widro did just that good a job burying my past columns
I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
It takes a lot for America to want you DEAD!…
But by God we’ll FEED YOU FIRST!!
Been a’while since I did this… and it’s well liked, so here it is again.
The following are a list of final meals taken by inmates before they rode the
Prisoner #778682… John Wayne Gacy killed 05/10/94 (Illinois): a dozen deep-fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, french fries, a pound of strawberries (Ugh… Deep dish… I hope they gave him a SPOON to go with that soup on a crust. Deep dish pizza, possibly the biggest bungle in Chicago history since they let the Irish and Poles take over)
Prisoner #976… Richard Beavers killed 05/10/94 (Texas): six pieces of french toast with butter and syrup, six barbecued spare ribs, six “well-burnt” pieces of bacon, four scrambled eggs, five “well-cooked” sausage patties, french fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, four cartons of milk. (Brother went and set himself up a BUFFET, yo! He was making DAMN sure the guards would get a few handfuls of shit when getting him out of his undies!)
Prisoner #455 … Thomas J. Grasso killed 03/20/95 (Oklahoma): before getting the needle, makes a statement: “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.” (Man… no wonder he killed twenty nuns… he was ALWAYS getting f*cked over by THE MAN!!)
Prisoner #833478… Lonnie Weeks Jr. killed 09/05/99 (unknown): oven-fried chicken, rice pilaf, cucumber and onion salad, bread and margarine (Now we’re talking… nothing tastier than a good bowl of fluffy, buttery PILAF!!)
Prisoner #546… Joe Trevino killed 08/18/05 (Texas): fried chicken, salad dressing with Italian dressing, raw carrots and cucumbers, watermelon, strawberry milkshake (Fried Chicken? Watermelon? Don’t need a picture to tell that this boy didn’t need the chair to brown up his skin tone)
Prisoner #657… Alan Willett killed 09/08/99 (Arkansas): beef jerky, barbecue-flavored potato chips, onion dip, garlic dip, buttered popcorn, Pepsi. (before getting the needle, makes a statement “I did not get my Sour Cream and Chives Potato chips. I want the press to know this.” Rat bastard screws… probably ate them as he fried)
Prisoner #890… Timothy McVeigh killed 06/10/02 (Indiana): two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream (awww…. they should have pardoned the little rascal)
Prisoner #778682… Amos King killed 02/26/03 (Florida): Requested Thai food, but was denied because he had previously been served three “last” meals and eaten two of them (Heh… fat slob… to the end he tried to take a mile when given an inch).
Prisoner #976… Cedric Ransom killed 07/23/03 (Texas): declined a last meal. (He held his waistline up for RANSOM!! GET IT??? THE WIT IS BACK, YOU FRUITASSES!! HYATTE RULES!!)
Prisoner #455 … Henry Lee Hunt killed 09/12/03 (North Carolina): medium Domino’s pizza with pepperoni, hamburger, canadian bacon, sausage, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, Coke (In lieu of a tip, the delivery boy got to flip the switch.)
Prisoner #833478… Edward Hartman killed 10/03/03 (North Carolina): Greek salad, linguini with white clam sauce, garlic bread, cheesecake with cherry topping, Coke (Now you can tell Ed was white! Who else would eat such a classy meal?)
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