Ahh, you lucky fuckfaces.
By clicking here you have access into an entire month of blogging where I decided to, and actually did, post something daily and frequently! Comments were made, jokes were told, opions were weighed. All free, all for you!
So go already.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sack it to me (Update)
It's shrinking. The growth on my crotch is SHRINKING!!
..... story of my fucking life.
********
There is a lump on the right side of my ball sac. Not on the gonad itself, just on the sac. The skin is irritated.
I plan on ignoring it.
Oh, and I DESPERATELY need to buy some nair. Oooh good lord. Disgusting.
..... story of my fucking life.
********
There is a lump on the right side of my ball sac. Not on the gonad itself, just on the sac. The skin is irritated.
I plan on ignoring it.
Oh, and I DESPERATELY need to buy some nair. Oooh good lord. Disgusting.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Breaking the Silence
Has it been a day shy of two weeks? Wow, how time flies.
You know who's not cured? Britney Spears. Remember how we all spent 2007 watching her meltdown on Perez Hilton and other gossip sites/magazines? Remember how much fun it was watching her go crazy? Well, she hasn't changed a bit, she just has a tighter leash on.
"Get out there and perform!" her father screams. And she's borrowing cell phones to call her ex boyfriend and manager to try to help her get out of her family prison. But her Dad has restraining orders on them so they can't get within 300 feet of her or some such.
She's a performing monkey kept either in a cage or on stage.
Not that I care, but following this is fascinating, only because there HAS to be a major blow-up coming. Somethings got to give.
Anyway, I thought I'd interact with you by answering a bunch of comments. Its been a'while. I need to write something, just to write. One day I'll find a REAL purpose to this blog, something useful and not just a time waster. Until then, bare with me.
1) April 27, 2009 10:45 AM... Swine flu said... Don't matter where you live. I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHES!!
She ain't lying either.
Remember the good ol' days when a swine flue meant how fast you flew out of the room once you sobered up and saw what you just fucked? BOOM!! KAPOWEEEE!! HO, HOOOOOOO
2) March 12, 2009 3:52 PM ... Anonymous said... Howard Stern. Because you haven't mentioned him much since he left FM radio, and you acknowledged him as an early influence. Just curious as to your assessment of his career.
I don't have Satellite radio and, since my radio days are limited to going to and from work (and its mostly CDs there), I can't justify even the few bucks a month it charges. So I haven't listened to Stern in ages.
I DO, however, have his in-demand channel, and I am SO GLAD it isn't constant naked chicks like he did on his E show. I mean, scrambled titties are fine but NOT night after night.
One thing about Stern that his haters do NOT get is that he was never about swearing or low-grade toilet humor. That's not why he rocked. What made Stern awesome was how he got people to reveal themselves. Not his interviews either (although he came as close to making Warren Beatty interesting then anyone else... EVER) I mean with his staff. I mean when he got fights going, when he yelled at people... when he instigated fights and arguments.
There was nothing more riveting, to me, then when he spent an hour getting Stuttering John to fight with Robin, or reaming out Gary for something, or getting Jackie and Robin fighting, or getting Fred to go from 0-60 in about 2 seconds. I know, I know, Jackie is gone and now its Artie, and Howard lets Artie fuck up, call out sick, eat himself to death, or just fall asleep because he knows he can get some real, human drama on his show.
If I had a choice between watching four girls cum on the Sybian machine or 45 minutes of Howard goofing on Scott the Engineer, I wouldn't see one titty bounce.
The rules he broke and the trails he blazed will always be known for the naked girls and dark, toilet humor. But Stern's gift will be that he could have always ran a clean show... one fit for any free, terrestrial station in the land... because he knew how to make real people forget that they were being broadcast to millions of people and were peaking their minds.
These days, Howard is older, and calmer, it seems... but he still has that knack for getting people to be themselves whenever he wanted. He sized everyone up and nailed their buttons whenever he wanted. That is a genius at work.
However, he lost me when Jackie quit, he got divorced, and his show was bracketed by 30 minutes of commercials because his radio station were desperate to make enough to pay his show's overhead. Plus Opie and Anthony were on fire in New York and he was feeling it. All those things together made for a really bad patch of radio in his career.
Oh, and no one made Richard Simmons hilarious like Stern did. And Gilbert Godfried. And Pat Cooper. And Richard Belzer. They all owe their careers to Stern.
Not that he could make EVERYONE interesting... a couple of WWF Divas showed up on the show one day, years and years ago and... ugh... really bad radio... very boring... they wouldn't say anything and got rather pissy with him. Bad segment.
3) March 13, 2009 2:59 AM... Anonymous said... At Scoops, were all the postings by the GF/ex-GF (Amy I think it was in the columns?) legit, or was it more like the fake wedding that you created a few months ago? And if she was real, she didn't happen to be a girl named Kat from Cranston that was obsessed with Shawn Michaels was she? If so, damn, she was wild in bed, but a complete nympho ... something that only took me 3 weeks to figure out that she was nailing anything with a penis. Hmmm, you lasted awhile with her I think so it probably wasn't Kat.
No, she was fake. And while I do not count the first column "Amy" wrote as anything special (although the idea of a guest recapper was soon ripped off by some), the second one where she and I co-wrote the column, and ended up bitching at each other... and her current boyfriend, "Juan" (? Sanchez? Manuel?) showed up and started yelling at me in Spanish... well, I liked that one a lot.
So much so that I would drop him into future columns for no reason just so we could yell at each other. Sort of like how that Chicken attacks Peter in "Family Guy" and they brawl for a good two minutes for no reason, then the chicken takes off and Peter resumes the plot as if nothing happened.
God, "Family Guy" sucks. "South Park" handed them their ASS a few years back. I love "South Park".
The only girl I knew from Cranston was this really tall girl whose name I forget with big, fake cans who I tried to get something going with but was too flighty. I was done with her quick. You have to keep a tight leash on girls from Cranston. You got to constantly remind them what time it is. And if they don't listen, you drop them like a lame chat buddy (ooo, lookit me being INTRAWEBBISH!!). Dime a dozen, them girls.
4) March 15, 2009 3:31 AM... Paul said.... Gloomchen... Did you fuck her or what
No, almost, but no. Could have. Probably still can. Might someday do, but no.
She's a nice gal. Deep down.
You can tell, just from pictures, that her husband has never lifted anything over 35 pounds in his life. There was no carrying Summer over the threshold on their wedding day. I don't think he's very creative in the ol' sacko either.
He's not reading. She is, he ain't.
Nice girl, really. A drama queen, but a nice girl.
5) March 15, 2009 6:06 AM... R. Smith said... Yogi Bear. Why did he always have to steal those picinic baskets anyway?
Because he needs food to survive and stupid tourists from Newark make for easy snacks, but since they are crapping their pants in their Jettas when Yogi and Boo Boo comes around, their lunches will do.
And bears LOVE peanut butter and jelly sammitches.
Ranger Bob was a moron. And I think he was the first gay cartoon character.
I can recall about 100 different episodes of "The Flintstones"... and not one plot from "Yogi Bear".
6) March 15, 2009 10:09 PM... Pound4Pound said... Lady Gaga - just...why [does she exist]?
I DON'T KNOW!! SHE SUCKS!! Just another mouthy broad from Yonkers who created an image that overcomes her less-than-stellar singing voice. And her record company went overboard in selling her on wikipedia: Gaga got her stage name when the music producer Rob Fusari compared her vocal style to that of Freddie Mercury, and took the name Gaga from the Queen song, "Radio Ga-Ga". OH PLEASE!! Mercury, that homo, could sing ANYTHING... ANY KIND OF GENRE... just blow your PANTS off, he did. Lady Gaga is one year away from being last year's news. Ain't shit.
Here's "Under Pressure"... listen to David Bowie. A legend, a great singer, gifted... now listen to Mercury blow his ass out of the water.
Fer crying out loud.
Lady Gaga... she'll get drunk and let one of her dancers or record producers knock her up and that'll be it for her. And there ain't no way she's 23. Bitch is 29 if she's a day. Just 3 years away from hitting the wall.
7) March 17, 2009 4:36 PM... Anonymous said... Chris - LOVE YOU! I know you've heard that Test died. I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject. ~Julie
He had a mother and father. Someone loved him.
He knew what he was doing, he knew the risks, and he went out looking good. For narcissists like that, its the only way to go.
He died alone. You know what, we all do. If you're surrounded by family with all of their hands gently on yours as you go... guess what, you still go alone.
Or do you? Many times people in their final moments (my Grandmother, for one), looks off and for one moment, their eyes clear up and focus, and either shock, fear, relief, or understanding crosses over their face. Someone comes to collect them.
Someone leads the way.
By the way, Julie... $20 bucks says you have a penis. Daddy's too smart for all of yous.
8) April 16, 2009 8:26 PM... Factor said... Chris, How's things? 'Knowing' was better than it's critics treated it. Nick Cage is the William Shatner of our generation, but this film deserves better. Minus Cage as an actor, there is a great deal to talk about on this film. And in a good way. I can't imagine you haven't seen it. This Cage guy is mediocre and incredible all at the same time. You can really feel the inadequacy coming through on screen. He gives the whole range. Better than it received, despite the Cage-miester.
Nic Cage is 50/50 with me. But he's a lot of fun to watch. He's just not worth paying to see in a theATree (hyuck).
Now, I give Cage credit... he does most of his movies now just for the money. He wants to buy a castle, he makes "Gone in 60 Seconds"... wants property in Bora Bora? His agent calls Disney and another "National Treasure" is fast tracked. He's a sell-out and a proud one.
But if you pay attention, you see Cage also focuses on things in every movie that he finds interesting. Can he play a full out drunk and make him different from every drunk every played in movies? Well, he tried to in Leaving Las Vegas and won an Oscar for it. Can he play a reluctant FBI chemist caught in a war against trained mercenaries and make it fun? So he signed on for The Rock . Can he play John Travolta on acid? Face/Off.
Can he play a role where, midway through the movie, he experiences every sensation known to man and every emotion for the first time? City of Angels.
Can he play a genial, decent private eye who has to wallow through the disgusting underworld of snuff porn and almost lose his soul in the process? 8MM?
Oh sure, he takes the money and signs on to most everything these days, but the fun to a Nic Cage flick is to watch and see what small challenge prompted him to take the role. Sometimes, you'll find one.
Damn shame is hairline went all kabloowee on him, though.
Speaking of weird movie roles, but having NOTHING to do with Nic Cage... anyone else watch The Departed and wonder if Jack Nicholson was reading from the script of another movie and Scorcese just spliced him into this one?
9) April 28, 2009 11:50 PM... Big Fat Phil said... Go Hyatte! Really. Just go.
Nope. But I laughed at this, so you got that going for you.
10) April 15, 2009 6:14 AM... Johnny The Cow said... Chris... Is there one match that would make you come back to wrestling for a prolonged period? For the buildup, anticipation, and the match itself? Are there any real "dream" matches left?
Nope. I'm done.
However, dream matches I want to see are the same ones all of us want to see...
Rock vs HBK (oh my Lord, so much more then Rock vs Cena)
And then to convince Sting to come aboard for two years and milk every single dream match we can, I guess.
Oh, and a healthy Bret Hart back to run through a few stars.
That's about it, I guess.
11) April 20, 2009 6:10 PM... Anonymous said... Kinda like SternFanNetwork. Most get on to complain about the show and offer their pearls of wisdom... So that freaky sex club trip in NY didn't happen,Hyatte? Abe
Abe, for chrissakes, go down to the ass end of Greenwhich Village and find out for yourself if your so fucking curious. It ain't evil, just freaky. No one will hurt you unless you ask.
I'll tell the story when I want to.
12) March 13, 2009 3:25 PM... Rinsa said... This your way of deflecting attention away from the fact that you fucked up with the Jericho pics, and your readers called you out on it? Lame lame lame. Try harder.
Oh, would those be the pictures of him posing with Kelly Kelly that you all got on me about for over-assuming wrong things about Jericho the model family guy? WOULD THOSE BE THE SAME PICTURES THAT WERE FOLLOWED UP BY A PICTURE OF THEM TWO KISSING????
Yep, you readers sure called me out... and when more evidence turned up and I was proven right... AGAIN... you all shut the fuck up nice and quick, didn't you.
And by "trying harder" should I be like you, Rinsa? Flooding my comments with attention-seeking bullshit that I end up yanking because they bore everyone, mostly me?
I was right and you, as usual, were dead wrong,
Lame.
Lame.
Lame.
Now go ply your brand of wackiness on Scooter's board,
13) March 13, 2009 9:35 AM... Anonymous said... Honky Tonk Man. Any time Honky comes up it's a great read
Quoting him is a great read? Then go to his site.
The one thing I like about Honky is that he appears to be completely convinced that he's still relevant and a draw (and before anyone says, "KINDA LIKE YOU, HYATTE!!" I will... HA, got'cha!! Cumstain.) I don't know if he still does it, but I used to get a kick out of his announcement section where he would title announcements with "Houston, Get Ready!", "Philly, Get Ready!", "Tuscon, Get Ready!!" Honky was coming to town!
And I don't think he understands that he was one of the worst wrestlers I've ever seen. And that his IC title reign was a rib, possibly on the WWE audience.
He looks good for his age, though.
14) March 13, 2009 7:47 PM... Ken said... Well, we've seen you take shots at wrestling writers in the past, but none of the more recent guys to pop up. Steve Randle has your old Monday spot at 411, let's hear you take him on.
Do you people understand that I DO NOT READ 411???
I have no opinion on Steve Randle because I do not read Steve Randle.
Although, he's had my "old slot" long enough, I think its time to say that I used to have his spot now.
15) March 12, 2009 10:08 PM .... Anonymous said... Al Isaacs. I never get tired of hearing stuff about the guy. From his questionable choice of staff, to his news reports. Also his decision to move away from the red stripe and to the blue and yellow was the real kiss of death for Scoops.
You have to understand, in 1997-1998-1999, Al WAS the Internet. Everyone came to him because he had news, real news that he reported... not reading Meltzer's dirt sheet and writing down what he said (MiCasa) or writing opinion-flaked commentary with an unearned sense of pretentiousness (Scaia). Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer saw what Scoops was and tried to get in on it.
Look, Scoops was so big someone built a parody site as a goof and turned it into a semi-influential entity on its own (ScoopThis). NO ONE has done this since.
His news reports... which had bad info a lot because Al trusted his sources too much (and lately we ALWAYS hear about how often Vince changes his mind... and how Hogan and the WCW millionaires forced Nitro to change their scripts on an hourly basis), were one page... done 5 times a week... were quick and easy and were from his heart. He was a fan first... a legit mark for wrestling. You just don't see that anymore.
And... umm... his choice of staff was mostly my fault. Everyone who came after I was hired (and Scoops was only around less then a year before came aboard) were influenced by me... and wanted to get in what I was doing. Only Rich in KC stayed true to himself... and Freakboy (UGH) TRIED, at least, to be different... but they all drank from my well... and I pissed in it quite a bit.
The Red Stripe died because Al believed what someone told him about selling out... and it bottomed out on him. Maybe things would have been different if I stayed, but I doubt it... I only kept the Mop-Ups going about two years after I left Scoops. I didn't have all that much left in me at that point either.
The guy was awfully sensitive too. Couldn't take criticism.
16) March 13, 2009 8:59 AM... Anonymous said... CRZ - I seem to remember at one point you and he seemed to a mutual respect which seemed to dissipate over the years
Ahhhh... he's a weirdo. Just a flake. And he probably has gray hair... which is fine on manly men like me... but on a dude with 30 year old-obsolete hippie hair? Not so much.
Then add what seems to be a 50 pound weight gain... and a cheesy mustache... and a wife with hands that could crush walnuts. (okay, I'm going on pictures I've seen YEARS ago)... and he was never very fun to talk to. And he's pals with The Rick,
And I was always a much more interesting writer then he was. He paid attention to detail... every... minor... scrap... of... minutia I paid attention to producing an event each and every time out of the gate.
17) March 12, 2009 6:13 PM... Anonymous said... Chris Brown. Because you're a Rihanna fan.
He's more famous now then he ever was before. He'll be forgotten soon enough.
Rihanna, on the other hand, has staying power. She'll be around for a good long time. One wonders if she'll end up obscenely fat like Aretha, a crackhead like Whitney, a completely disjointed from reality diva like Mariah, or have a complete psychotic episode like Britney... or will her nostrils turn into black holes like Dionne Warwick (how snots don't fall out of them things as free as snowflakes on a daily basis is beyond me. Actually, they probably do... it ain't like we see her posing for the paparazzi on a daily basis.)
18) April 12, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... So tell me if I'm weird...I just banged my girlfriend after banging my wife about 3 hours earlier and all I could think about was coming on here to let Hyatte know.
No, you ain't weird. You just wanted to tell someone and brag, and who better then a guy on the internet who has an outlook on things you can relate to and who is absolutely no threat to rat you out to your wife.
I don't believe in cheating on your spouse, and I wouldn't do it to mine. But life is too short and if you are drawn to someone and fall in love with them, its usually because there is something wrong with your marriage and perhaps you should address that. Or you are just a selfish shithead who likes being evil and doesn't care who you hurt just so long as you get yours.
So which one are you?
Nevermind, I know the answer.
Post your sins whenever you like.
19) April 28, 2009 8:27 AM... Anonymous said... And in Austin - 93.7 KLBJ - morning show is incredible with Dudley & Bob and the Rock n Roll halftime show with Charlie Hodge at noon if great.
No, its not great. Its terrestrial radio and the people who oversee it are so frightening and backwards, that they make the stations eliminate the "K" from Britney Spears single "If U Seek Amy".
For decades, rock stations were allowed to let Roger Daultry sing, "AHHH, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUUUUU" and somehow, people weren't traumatized and no one got killed. Now, all of the sudden, its deleted... or bleeped... or played backwards.
Morning radio guys are horrible... reduced to talking about how drunk they got over the weekend, or playing song parodies about current events or... God Help us... local politics. It all ties in with Stern. He did things differently, he fought to be unique. The only problem was that he couldn't evolve radio because it had gone as far as it will ever go, and precious few people with the talent to take it further can build the momentum he could. The only thing about radio that President Obama pays attention to is how many people Rush Limbaugh can rally. He's got more problems to worry about then the restraints on free radio.
Dudley and Bob, and I can tell this just by their names, are a couple of assholes. And I'm sure that rock and roll half hour with Charlie Hodge can't go a day without at least one fucking Led Zepellin song... and Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The Sky is Crying" at least three times a week. Fuck them.
Small market bullshit. Meanwhile, I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM POW, THEM CHICKS BE STEALING MY STYLE!! THEY TRY TO COPY MY SWAGGA BUT I'M ON THE NEXT SHIT NOW!! I'M SO 3008, YOU SO 2000 LATE!!! I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM THAT FUTURE BOOM BOOM BOOM GIMME SOMEOFTHAT!!!
Ahhh Fergie... 33 years old, with brown hair that everyone quickly ripped off... and can blow that Lady Gaga off the stage whenever she wants. Hell yeah.
20) April 21, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Thought you were better on Scoops Central!
Well shit... well shee-it... who don't know that?
Of course I was... but I was painting on a blank canvas back then. And I was playing off two companies fighting tooth and nail to keep the audience from switching channels.
These days, there's only one. He won. He also put his daughter in charge of the creative process, and they decided to hire soap opera and failed sitcom writers to script every word. Things got boring, and drab.
The well ran dry, my friends. Plus, I got busier.
21) May 3, 2009 10:38 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Can we hear about all the pussy you got in the post prior to this one? Something has to get you talking - maybe the poon is it!
Oooh, do ya want DETAILS??? YEAH MAN, LET'S BRAG ON THE INTERWEB ABOUT HOW HYATTE WENT 45 MINUTES NON-STOP AND MADE HER COME 7 TIMES!!!
How about no. Maybe if it was 15 years ago and I was some insecure kid trying to impress people. But that's not cool.
She's a married girl, tho'. I'll say that much. So I know a little bit about what I speak.
Oh relax, it isn't going anywhere other than a matinee tumble once in a great while. Then I'll move on.
22) April 30, 2009 9:42 PM... richardhouseholder said... Hey Hyattus, Do you ever watch The Office or Survivor?
I wait until the season of The Office comes out on DVD and then I'll watch a bunch of episodes in a row. I have every season. Love it. LOVE IT.
Didn't think I would, either because I have the British version on DVD and was annoyed that America tried to remake such greatness, but then I noted that the British folks were getting serious bucks from NBC for their show and felt better. Love the show. LOVE Dwight Shrute.
And I also love how Steve Carell magically grew more hair in between seasons one and two. Amazing... god bless Hollywood.
Survivor... I don't collect the DVDs and I sometimes skip a season or two. That's one of the nice things about long-running shows which are in no danger of being cancelled... and reality shows... you can skip a year or two and come back and not miss anything important. Same with American Idol. I haven't been paying attention this year because I KNOW there will be a next year that I may or may not watch. No pressure.
The Office, 24, Boston Legal, and Rescue Me are all shows I avoid and grab on DVD. And I plan on never watching a single episode of Lost and avoiding most spoilers and then getting the whole series and just going NUTS.
And this is the fascinating bullshit you people LIVE to read!!
23) April 30, 2009 3:05 PM... P.R. said... Chris, Am going away awhile. Will you still be here when I get back?
For now. You better be a fuckload nicer and more interesting when you come back. You ain't that special, baby.
Well then, I'm off. When will I be back? HA! Why promise when all I do is lie, lie lie.
In other words, I dunno, when I have something to talk about.
Good evening, kids.
You know who's not cured? Britney Spears. Remember how we all spent 2007 watching her meltdown on Perez Hilton and other gossip sites/magazines? Remember how much fun it was watching her go crazy? Well, she hasn't changed a bit, she just has a tighter leash on.
"Get out there and perform!" her father screams. And she's borrowing cell phones to call her ex boyfriend and manager to try to help her get out of her family prison. But her Dad has restraining orders on them so they can't get within 300 feet of her or some such.
She's a performing monkey kept either in a cage or on stage.
Not that I care, but following this is fascinating, only because there HAS to be a major blow-up coming. Somethings got to give.
Anyway, I thought I'd interact with you by answering a bunch of comments. Its been a'while. I need to write something, just to write. One day I'll find a REAL purpose to this blog, something useful and not just a time waster. Until then, bare with me.
1) April 27, 2009 10:45 AM... Swine flu said... Don't matter where you live. I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHES!!
She ain't lying either.
Remember the good ol' days when a swine flue meant how fast you flew out of the room once you sobered up and saw what you just fucked? BOOM!! KAPOWEEEE!! HO, HOOOOOOO
2) March 12, 2009 3:52 PM ... Anonymous said... Howard Stern. Because you haven't mentioned him much since he left FM radio, and you acknowledged him as an early influence. Just curious as to your assessment of his career.
I don't have Satellite radio and, since my radio days are limited to going to and from work (and its mostly CDs there), I can't justify even the few bucks a month it charges. So I haven't listened to Stern in ages.
I DO, however, have his in-demand channel, and I am SO GLAD it isn't constant naked chicks like he did on his E show. I mean, scrambled titties are fine but NOT night after night.
One thing about Stern that his haters do NOT get is that he was never about swearing or low-grade toilet humor. That's not why he rocked. What made Stern awesome was how he got people to reveal themselves. Not his interviews either (although he came as close to making Warren Beatty interesting then anyone else... EVER) I mean with his staff. I mean when he got fights going, when he yelled at people... when he instigated fights and arguments.
There was nothing more riveting, to me, then when he spent an hour getting Stuttering John to fight with Robin, or reaming out Gary for something, or getting Jackie and Robin fighting, or getting Fred to go from 0-60 in about 2 seconds. I know, I know, Jackie is gone and now its Artie, and Howard lets Artie fuck up, call out sick, eat himself to death, or just fall asleep because he knows he can get some real, human drama on his show.
If I had a choice between watching four girls cum on the Sybian machine or 45 minutes of Howard goofing on Scott the Engineer, I wouldn't see one titty bounce.
The rules he broke and the trails he blazed will always be known for the naked girls and dark, toilet humor. But Stern's gift will be that he could have always ran a clean show... one fit for any free, terrestrial station in the land... because he knew how to make real people forget that they were being broadcast to millions of people and were peaking their minds.
These days, Howard is older, and calmer, it seems... but he still has that knack for getting people to be themselves whenever he wanted. He sized everyone up and nailed their buttons whenever he wanted. That is a genius at work.
However, he lost me when Jackie quit, he got divorced, and his show was bracketed by 30 minutes of commercials because his radio station were desperate to make enough to pay his show's overhead. Plus Opie and Anthony were on fire in New York and he was feeling it. All those things together made for a really bad patch of radio in his career.
Oh, and no one made Richard Simmons hilarious like Stern did. And Gilbert Godfried. And Pat Cooper. And Richard Belzer. They all owe their careers to Stern.
Not that he could make EVERYONE interesting... a couple of WWF Divas showed up on the show one day, years and years ago and... ugh... really bad radio... very boring... they wouldn't say anything and got rather pissy with him. Bad segment.
3) March 13, 2009 2:59 AM... Anonymous said... At Scoops, were all the postings by the GF/ex-GF (Amy I think it was in the columns?) legit, or was it more like the fake wedding that you created a few months ago? And if she was real, she didn't happen to be a girl named Kat from Cranston that was obsessed with Shawn Michaels was she? If so, damn, she was wild in bed, but a complete nympho ... something that only took me 3 weeks to figure out that she was nailing anything with a penis. Hmmm, you lasted awhile with her I think so it probably wasn't Kat.
No, she was fake. And while I do not count the first column "Amy" wrote as anything special (although the idea of a guest recapper was soon ripped off by some), the second one where she and I co-wrote the column, and ended up bitching at each other... and her current boyfriend, "Juan" (? Sanchez? Manuel?) showed up and started yelling at me in Spanish... well, I liked that one a lot.
So much so that I would drop him into future columns for no reason just so we could yell at each other. Sort of like how that Chicken attacks Peter in "Family Guy" and they brawl for a good two minutes for no reason, then the chicken takes off and Peter resumes the plot as if nothing happened.
God, "Family Guy" sucks. "South Park" handed them their ASS a few years back. I love "South Park".
The only girl I knew from Cranston was this really tall girl whose name I forget with big, fake cans who I tried to get something going with but was too flighty. I was done with her quick. You have to keep a tight leash on girls from Cranston. You got to constantly remind them what time it is. And if they don't listen, you drop them like a lame chat buddy (ooo, lookit me being INTRAWEBBISH!!). Dime a dozen, them girls.
4) March 15, 2009 3:31 AM... Paul said.... Gloomchen... Did you fuck her or what
No, almost, but no. Could have. Probably still can. Might someday do, but no.
She's a nice gal. Deep down.
You can tell, just from pictures, that her husband has never lifted anything over 35 pounds in his life. There was no carrying Summer over the threshold on their wedding day. I don't think he's very creative in the ol' sacko either.
He's not reading. She is, he ain't.
Nice girl, really. A drama queen, but a nice girl.
5) March 15, 2009 6:06 AM... R. Smith said... Yogi Bear. Why did he always have to steal those picinic baskets anyway?
Because he needs food to survive and stupid tourists from Newark make for easy snacks, but since they are crapping their pants in their Jettas when Yogi and Boo Boo comes around, their lunches will do.
And bears LOVE peanut butter and jelly sammitches.
Ranger Bob was a moron. And I think he was the first gay cartoon character.
I can recall about 100 different episodes of "The Flintstones"... and not one plot from "Yogi Bear".
6) March 15, 2009 10:09 PM... Pound4Pound said... Lady Gaga - just...why [does she exist]?
I DON'T KNOW!! SHE SUCKS!! Just another mouthy broad from Yonkers who created an image that overcomes her less-than-stellar singing voice. And her record company went overboard in selling her on wikipedia: Gaga got her stage name when the music producer Rob Fusari compared her vocal style to that of Freddie Mercury, and took the name Gaga from the Queen song, "Radio Ga-Ga". OH PLEASE!! Mercury, that homo, could sing ANYTHING... ANY KIND OF GENRE... just blow your PANTS off, he did. Lady Gaga is one year away from being last year's news. Ain't shit.
Here's "Under Pressure"... listen to David Bowie. A legend, a great singer, gifted... now listen to Mercury blow his ass out of the water.
Fer crying out loud.
Lady Gaga... she'll get drunk and let one of her dancers or record producers knock her up and that'll be it for her. And there ain't no way she's 23. Bitch is 29 if she's a day. Just 3 years away from hitting the wall.
7) March 17, 2009 4:36 PM... Anonymous said... Chris - LOVE YOU! I know you've heard that Test died. I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject. ~Julie
He had a mother and father. Someone loved him.
He knew what he was doing, he knew the risks, and he went out looking good. For narcissists like that, its the only way to go.
He died alone. You know what, we all do. If you're surrounded by family with all of their hands gently on yours as you go... guess what, you still go alone.
Or do you? Many times people in their final moments (my Grandmother, for one), looks off and for one moment, their eyes clear up and focus, and either shock, fear, relief, or understanding crosses over their face. Someone comes to collect them.
Someone leads the way.
By the way, Julie... $20 bucks says you have a penis. Daddy's too smart for all of yous.
8) April 16, 2009 8:26 PM... Factor said... Chris, How's things? 'Knowing' was better than it's critics treated it. Nick Cage is the William Shatner of our generation, but this film deserves better. Minus Cage as an actor, there is a great deal to talk about on this film. And in a good way. I can't imagine you haven't seen it. This Cage guy is mediocre and incredible all at the same time. You can really feel the inadequacy coming through on screen. He gives the whole range. Better than it received, despite the Cage-miester.
Nic Cage is 50/50 with me. But he's a lot of fun to watch. He's just not worth paying to see in a theATree (hyuck).
Now, I give Cage credit... he does most of his movies now just for the money. He wants to buy a castle, he makes "Gone in 60 Seconds"... wants property in Bora Bora? His agent calls Disney and another "National Treasure" is fast tracked. He's a sell-out and a proud one.
But if you pay attention, you see Cage also focuses on things in every movie that he finds interesting. Can he play a full out drunk and make him different from every drunk every played in movies? Well, he tried to in Leaving Las Vegas and won an Oscar for it. Can he play a reluctant FBI chemist caught in a war against trained mercenaries and make it fun? So he signed on for The Rock . Can he play John Travolta on acid? Face/Off.
Can he play a role where, midway through the movie, he experiences every sensation known to man and every emotion for the first time? City of Angels.
Can he play a genial, decent private eye who has to wallow through the disgusting underworld of snuff porn and almost lose his soul in the process? 8MM?
Oh sure, he takes the money and signs on to most everything these days, but the fun to a Nic Cage flick is to watch and see what small challenge prompted him to take the role. Sometimes, you'll find one.
Damn shame is hairline went all kabloowee on him, though.
Speaking of weird movie roles, but having NOTHING to do with Nic Cage... anyone else watch The Departed and wonder if Jack Nicholson was reading from the script of another movie and Scorcese just spliced him into this one?
9) April 28, 2009 11:50 PM... Big Fat Phil said... Go Hyatte! Really. Just go.
Nope. But I laughed at this, so you got that going for you.
10) April 15, 2009 6:14 AM... Johnny The Cow said... Chris... Is there one match that would make you come back to wrestling for a prolonged period? For the buildup, anticipation, and the match itself? Are there any real "dream" matches left?
Nope. I'm done.
However, dream matches I want to see are the same ones all of us want to see...
Rock vs HBK (oh my Lord, so much more then Rock vs Cena)
And then to convince Sting to come aboard for two years and milk every single dream match we can, I guess.
Oh, and a healthy Bret Hart back to run through a few stars.
That's about it, I guess.
11) April 20, 2009 6:10 PM... Anonymous said... Kinda like SternFanNetwork. Most get on to complain about the show and offer their pearls of wisdom... So that freaky sex club trip in NY didn't happen,Hyatte? Abe
Abe, for chrissakes, go down to the ass end of Greenwhich Village and find out for yourself if your so fucking curious. It ain't evil, just freaky. No one will hurt you unless you ask.
I'll tell the story when I want to.
12) March 13, 2009 3:25 PM... Rinsa said... This your way of deflecting attention away from the fact that you fucked up with the Jericho pics, and your readers called you out on it? Lame lame lame. Try harder.
Oh, would those be the pictures of him posing with Kelly Kelly that you all got on me about for over-assuming wrong things about Jericho the model family guy? WOULD THOSE BE THE SAME PICTURES THAT WERE FOLLOWED UP BY A PICTURE OF THEM TWO KISSING????
Yep, you readers sure called me out... and when more evidence turned up and I was proven right... AGAIN... you all shut the fuck up nice and quick, didn't you.
And by "trying harder" should I be like you, Rinsa? Flooding my comments with attention-seeking bullshit that I end up yanking because they bore everyone, mostly me?
I was right and you, as usual, were dead wrong,
Lame.
Lame.
Lame.
Now go ply your brand of wackiness on Scooter's board,
13) March 13, 2009 9:35 AM... Anonymous said... Honky Tonk Man. Any time Honky comes up it's a great read
Quoting him is a great read? Then go to his site.
The one thing I like about Honky is that he appears to be completely convinced that he's still relevant and a draw (and before anyone says, "KINDA LIKE YOU, HYATTE!!" I will... HA, got'cha!! Cumstain.) I don't know if he still does it, but I used to get a kick out of his announcement section where he would title announcements with "Houston, Get Ready!", "Philly, Get Ready!", "Tuscon, Get Ready!!" Honky was coming to town!
And I don't think he understands that he was one of the worst wrestlers I've ever seen. And that his IC title reign was a rib, possibly on the WWE audience.
He looks good for his age, though.
14) March 13, 2009 7:47 PM... Ken said... Well, we've seen you take shots at wrestling writers in the past, but none of the more recent guys to pop up. Steve Randle has your old Monday spot at 411, let's hear you take him on.
Do you people understand that I DO NOT READ 411???
I have no opinion on Steve Randle because I do not read Steve Randle.
Although, he's had my "old slot" long enough, I think its time to say that I used to have his spot now.
15) March 12, 2009 10:08 PM .... Anonymous said... Al Isaacs. I never get tired of hearing stuff about the guy. From his questionable choice of staff, to his news reports. Also his decision to move away from the red stripe and to the blue and yellow was the real kiss of death for Scoops.
You have to understand, in 1997-1998-1999, Al WAS the Internet. Everyone came to him because he had news, real news that he reported... not reading Meltzer's dirt sheet and writing down what he said (MiCasa) or writing opinion-flaked commentary with an unearned sense of pretentiousness (Scaia). Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer saw what Scoops was and tried to get in on it.
Look, Scoops was so big someone built a parody site as a goof and turned it into a semi-influential entity on its own (ScoopThis). NO ONE has done this since.
His news reports... which had bad info a lot because Al trusted his sources too much (and lately we ALWAYS hear about how often Vince changes his mind... and how Hogan and the WCW millionaires forced Nitro to change their scripts on an hourly basis), were one page... done 5 times a week... were quick and easy and were from his heart. He was a fan first... a legit mark for wrestling. You just don't see that anymore.
And... umm... his choice of staff was mostly my fault. Everyone who came after I was hired (and Scoops was only around less then a year before came aboard) were influenced by me... and wanted to get in what I was doing. Only Rich in KC stayed true to himself... and Freakboy (UGH) TRIED, at least, to be different... but they all drank from my well... and I pissed in it quite a bit.
The Red Stripe died because Al believed what someone told him about selling out... and it bottomed out on him. Maybe things would have been different if I stayed, but I doubt it... I only kept the Mop-Ups going about two years after I left Scoops. I didn't have all that much left in me at that point either.
The guy was awfully sensitive too. Couldn't take criticism.
16) March 13, 2009 8:59 AM... Anonymous said... CRZ - I seem to remember at one point you and he seemed to a mutual respect which seemed to dissipate over the years
Ahhhh... he's a weirdo. Just a flake. And he probably has gray hair... which is fine on manly men like me... but on a dude with 30 year old-obsolete hippie hair? Not so much.
Then add what seems to be a 50 pound weight gain... and a cheesy mustache... and a wife with hands that could crush walnuts. (okay, I'm going on pictures I've seen YEARS ago)... and he was never very fun to talk to. And he's pals with The Rick,
And I was always a much more interesting writer then he was. He paid attention to detail... every... minor... scrap... of... minutia I paid attention to producing an event each and every time out of the gate.
17) March 12, 2009 6:13 PM... Anonymous said... Chris Brown. Because you're a Rihanna fan.
He's more famous now then he ever was before. He'll be forgotten soon enough.
Rihanna, on the other hand, has staying power. She'll be around for a good long time. One wonders if she'll end up obscenely fat like Aretha, a crackhead like Whitney, a completely disjointed from reality diva like Mariah, or have a complete psychotic episode like Britney... or will her nostrils turn into black holes like Dionne Warwick (how snots don't fall out of them things as free as snowflakes on a daily basis is beyond me. Actually, they probably do... it ain't like we see her posing for the paparazzi on a daily basis.)
18) April 12, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... So tell me if I'm weird...I just banged my girlfriend after banging my wife about 3 hours earlier and all I could think about was coming on here to let Hyatte know.
No, you ain't weird. You just wanted to tell someone and brag, and who better then a guy on the internet who has an outlook on things you can relate to and who is absolutely no threat to rat you out to your wife.
I don't believe in cheating on your spouse, and I wouldn't do it to mine. But life is too short and if you are drawn to someone and fall in love with them, its usually because there is something wrong with your marriage and perhaps you should address that. Or you are just a selfish shithead who likes being evil and doesn't care who you hurt just so long as you get yours.
So which one are you?
Nevermind, I know the answer.
Post your sins whenever you like.
19) April 28, 2009 8:27 AM... Anonymous said... And in Austin - 93.7 KLBJ - morning show is incredible with Dudley & Bob and the Rock n Roll halftime show with Charlie Hodge at noon if great.
No, its not great. Its terrestrial radio and the people who oversee it are so frightening and backwards, that they make the stations eliminate the "K" from Britney Spears single "If U Seek Amy".
For decades, rock stations were allowed to let Roger Daultry sing, "AHHH, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUUUUU" and somehow, people weren't traumatized and no one got killed. Now, all of the sudden, its deleted... or bleeped... or played backwards.
Morning radio guys are horrible... reduced to talking about how drunk they got over the weekend, or playing song parodies about current events or... God Help us... local politics. It all ties in with Stern. He did things differently, he fought to be unique. The only problem was that he couldn't evolve radio because it had gone as far as it will ever go, and precious few people with the talent to take it further can build the momentum he could. The only thing about radio that President Obama pays attention to is how many people Rush Limbaugh can rally. He's got more problems to worry about then the restraints on free radio.
Dudley and Bob, and I can tell this just by their names, are a couple of assholes. And I'm sure that rock and roll half hour with Charlie Hodge can't go a day without at least one fucking Led Zepellin song... and Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The Sky is Crying" at least three times a week. Fuck them.
Small market bullshit. Meanwhile, I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM POW, THEM CHICKS BE STEALING MY STYLE!! THEY TRY TO COPY MY SWAGGA BUT I'M ON THE NEXT SHIT NOW!! I'M SO 3008, YOU SO 2000 LATE!!! I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM THAT FUTURE BOOM BOOM BOOM GIMME SOMEOFTHAT!!!
Ahhh Fergie... 33 years old, with brown hair that everyone quickly ripped off... and can blow that Lady Gaga off the stage whenever she wants. Hell yeah.
20) April 21, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Thought you were better on Scoops Central!
Well shit... well shee-it... who don't know that?
Of course I was... but I was painting on a blank canvas back then. And I was playing off two companies fighting tooth and nail to keep the audience from switching channels.
These days, there's only one. He won. He also put his daughter in charge of the creative process, and they decided to hire soap opera and failed sitcom writers to script every word. Things got boring, and drab.
The well ran dry, my friends. Plus, I got busier.
21) May 3, 2009 10:38 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Can we hear about all the pussy you got in the post prior to this one? Something has to get you talking - maybe the poon is it!
Oooh, do ya want DETAILS??? YEAH MAN, LET'S BRAG ON THE INTERWEB ABOUT HOW HYATTE WENT 45 MINUTES NON-STOP AND MADE HER COME 7 TIMES!!!
How about no. Maybe if it was 15 years ago and I was some insecure kid trying to impress people. But that's not cool.
She's a married girl, tho'. I'll say that much. So I know a little bit about what I speak.
Oh relax, it isn't going anywhere other than a matinee tumble once in a great while. Then I'll move on.
22) April 30, 2009 9:42 PM... richardhouseholder said... Hey Hyattus, Do you ever watch The Office or Survivor?
I wait until the season of The Office comes out on DVD and then I'll watch a bunch of episodes in a row. I have every season. Love it. LOVE IT.
Didn't think I would, either because I have the British version on DVD and was annoyed that America tried to remake such greatness, but then I noted that the British folks were getting serious bucks from NBC for their show and felt better. Love the show. LOVE Dwight Shrute.
And I also love how Steve Carell magically grew more hair in between seasons one and two. Amazing... god bless Hollywood.
Survivor... I don't collect the DVDs and I sometimes skip a season or two. That's one of the nice things about long-running shows which are in no danger of being cancelled... and reality shows... you can skip a year or two and come back and not miss anything important. Same with American Idol. I haven't been paying attention this year because I KNOW there will be a next year that I may or may not watch. No pressure.
The Office, 24, Boston Legal, and Rescue Me are all shows I avoid and grab on DVD. And I plan on never watching a single episode of Lost and avoiding most spoilers and then getting the whole series and just going NUTS.
And this is the fascinating bullshit you people LIVE to read!!
23) April 30, 2009 3:05 PM... P.R. said... Chris, Am going away awhile. Will you still be here when I get back?
For now. You better be a fuckload nicer and more interesting when you come back. You ain't that special, baby.
Well then, I'm off. When will I be back? HA! Why promise when all I do is lie, lie lie.
In other words, I dunno, when I have something to talk about.
Good evening, kids.
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