Back When I Was Funny...

In lieu of... REAL content...

From the Midnight News: 07/08/2002:

OY MATE, THAT'S MY SNAKE YER WANKING

I'm surprised this wasn't picked up by more people.

Last week, Jake "The Snake" Roberts was uncovered in Merry Ol' London by some radio guys. People who heard the show tell me he was.... "disoriented", but who knows.

One thing's for sure... Jake was either shooting, or intentionally being freaky. It made for a fascinating interview:

-He talked up London for it's building designs. Says parts of the city are so gothic he keeps looking in the sky for Batman! (HAW!! I made that up!!! WORSHIP THE WIT, PEOPLE!!!). Says America is a bunch o'tightwads and London is where the REAL rasslin' fans hang.

-Jake idolizes Charles Manson because he could control minds without the benefit of either talent, brains, or looks.

-Jake does NOT hate Chris "Jeriblow", but doesn't like the fact that Jericho doesn't care about ring psychology or preserving other people's characters. He gives examples of Chris overpowering Rhyno in a match, or back suplexing Chris Benoit several times during a match. Jericho should never be able to overpower a character like Rhyno or take Benoit's trademark moves during a match. Jake feels like Jericho destroyed all the heels, and now he's destroying all the babyfaces. (My God... he's right! JERICHO IS WHY THE WWE IS CRUMBLING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!! JESUS, TRIPLE H BETTER GET BACK TO HOLDING HIM DOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!)

-Jake says that the WWF "sweetened" the crowd noise in the 80's "because they had the Ultimate Warrior around". Good one.

-Jake says that when he was helping write the show, Vince would "kick every writer out of the room and ask him what he thought". Jake was NOT a "yes man"... he told the TRUTH!! Even to VINCE! It was Jake's daughter who got to hear all his lies.

-Says that Vince is afraid of him... he FEARS Jake. Not of him physically, but mentally. See, Jake shoots out brain beams that makes people do nutty things, like start football organizations. (So THAT'S it)

-Jake thinks that F-ing McMahon ruined EVERYTHING, and MTV helped too by making the attention spans of these damn kids so damn short! No WONDER rasslin' sucks, Jake muses, they don't have 30 minutes matches with ten minute REST HOLDS anymore!!! Jake also went and called Rob Van Dam the "AntiChrist"

-Jake says that the WWE has made a few phone calls to him over the years to return in a writing capacity, but Jake just isn't interested. Plus, his phone was always disconnected. You think crack money grows on TREES??

-Then Jake claims to have come up with the idea for Austin in the King of the Ring, for using the "3:16" tailgate, which took off. Jake is sorry that Vince never used his other suggestion of "Austin's Ten Commandments". He also had this wild idea of how Austin could become a Priest and diddle boys in the middle of the ring.... but Vince is a pussy.

-Jake also saw promise in the Headbangers tag team, thought they could be stars, but Vince would always book them in to lose. Felt that "those kids were cool, they were with it". He also claims to have caught Edge during his early years in 1995, and turned McMahon on to him, saying that he would be a success.

-If Jake sees one more "WHO'S IN THE LIMO" gimmick, he'll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said that if he IMAGINES one more "WHO'S IN THE LIMO" gimmick, he'll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said after he gets off the phone, he's going to walk around London proper looking for Limos.

-Jake feels the WWE is "WORST WRESTLING EVER", and he would come back ONLY if they gave him total creative control to turn around the company, because that's the only way he can save it. Then he called Vince Russo a power hungry egomaniac.

-Jake loves us all, but the love of his life is a lady named WRESTLING. He never cheated on her! (Hey, I saw his performance at the Heroes of Wrestling nightmare!!! If that ain't cheating on the bitch, I don't know what is!)

-Jake doesn't think much of Brock Lesnar, or Paul Heyman, or sobriety

--Jake talks about the feud against Hulk Hogan that never happened. During a TV taping after attacking Hogan, and draping the snake over him, instead of chanting "Hogan", the crowd chanted "DDT". After McMahon heard that, he saw his marketing plan fall apart, and the feud was scrapped and Jake was quickly turned face.

Quite an interview. 1bob has the entire transcript, but I hit 90% of the high points.

From the Midnight News: 08/19/2002:

CYBERSEX WITH GARY COLEMAN

A few weeks ago, I posted a goofy chat where a guy pretending to be a hot teenage girl f*cked around with a guy who thought he was Buff Bagwell. The guy who made the site and the chat e-mailed me and was cool with me swiping from him. Nice guy with a WAY COOL name... "Thor"... the dude calls himself Thor.

His only request was that I don't post the full chats and make sure you all know where to go. to see the full chat in it's entirety. Good job Thor, don't let that bastard Loki get you down... ha.

Here's another one:

Gary Coleman used to write an advice column for UGO, my former employer. I met him at the office Christmas party and he tried to hit on my date. All this and more was running through my mind as Amber taught the American language of love to this very horny young Algerian. God, I hope he used his new vocabulary with other girls.


kecibim: HI
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hey, kecibum!
kecibim: How are you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am a toilet of love.
kecibim: Good

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is your toilet of love like?
kecibim OH very large

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would you live inside my body?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Inside my organs?
kecibim if you would like

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your toilet circumcised?
kecibim yep, and yours
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't have a toilet, I am a girl!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?

kecibim If you like I lend you my toilet for a long time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay! Where will you put your toilet?
kecibim in your sawa
kecibim you know sawa?

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, what is the English?
kecibim Zab = toilet, Sawa = your toilet

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: The english word for "sawa" is "Chicken Nugget"
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you will put your toilet in my Chicken Nugget
kecibim and I keep my zab in you Chicken Nugget a long time

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Gary Coleman is the USA word for zab!
kecibim I put my Gary Coleman in your Chicken Nugget

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful! You are a wonderful toilet!
kecibim OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH So Good
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your Gary Coleman feeling good?

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: When Gary Coleman gets excited when you put it in a Chicken Nugget, white liquid comes out
kecibim you will be melted when you see my zab
kecibim you will be melted when you see my Gary Coleman ( zab , toilet )

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You will be melted when you are crushed by my Chicken Nugget into another dimension.
kecibim zab = Gary Coleman sawa = Chicken Nugget

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My Chicken Nugget is wet with Bar-B-Q sauce.
kecibim yes, come in algeria and i give my zab, i put my zab in your sawa
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SAY IT THE RIGHT WAY.


kecibim yes , I got a very large Gary Coleman
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes! My Chicken Nugget is bleeding Bar-B-Q sauce for you! I want to get sauce all over Gary Coleman!
kecibim I cant you are far away

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will come to Algeria!
kecibim Good, if you like i give you my adress
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How will I get there? I will have to sell my Chicken Nugget to pay for the trip!

kecibim you know why my Gary Coleman it is very large
kecibim I send you some money
kecibim when i send you money you come back to me
kecibim and I put ma zab in you'r sawa
kecibim are you here my sawa
kecibim I'm here waiting for you
kecibim please, talk with me
kecibim a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r are you here

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I was touching my chicken nugget!


So, if I scream that SCOOTER KEITH SUCKS GARY COLEMAN'S NUGGETS... he can't whine, I'm merely speaking Algerian... or something.


From the Midnight News: 05/12/2003:

ALL FOR THE LOVE OF PAM DAWBER

Whenever someone contacts me on AIM, they stand a very good chance of getting me in a bad mood, especially when it’s very late at night.

The following took place around four in the morning a few weeks ago:

Rollinbmwx4: hey do u know mindy gomez ?????
Hyatte1com: no

Rollinbmwx4: who is this anyways ?
Hyatte1com: well, you IMmed me, you tell me
Rollinbmwx4: this is shawn
Hyatte1com: hooray

Rollinbmwx4: is ur name steven
Rollinbmwx4: i got this sn from mindy she told me that u like wrestling
Hyatte1com: Mindy is a hosebag

Rollinbmwx4: so u do know mindy
Rollinbmwx4: why u called her a hosebag
Rollinbmwx4: mindy isn't a hosebag
Hyatte1com: I know her roomate

Rollinbmwx4: mindy doesn't have a roomate
Hyatte1com: sure she does.. Mork
Rollinbmwx4: mindy lives at home still
Hyatte1com: her roomate is named Mork, from the planet Ork, nanu nanu

Rollinbmwx4: my real name is stan
Hyatte1com: I care
Rollinbmwx4: dude i can't belive it
Hyatte1com: what? That Mindy is a hosebag? Sorry, but she is
Rollinbmwx4: whats ur name man ?
Hyatte1com: Dick
Rollinbmwx4: man seriously
Hyatte1com: My name is Dick Inya

Rollinbmwx4: seriously how do u know mindy
Hyatte1com: She gave me head a couple of times
Rollinbmwx4: did u go to green valley
Hyatte1com: Green Valley High?
Rollinbmwx4: yeah
Hyatte1com: no dude, I'm a grown up, which is why Mindy likes to blow me

Rollinbmwx4: when did u 2 meet each other
Hyatte1com: none of your fucking business
Rollinbmwx4: man i'am her bf i'll kick ur ass bitch
Hyatte1com: bring it, homeslice. I'll stomp your ass stupid then buttfuck you too. Mindy will watch and get all hot for me

Rollinbmwx4: if u know mindy than whats her cross streets
Hyatte1com: I don't meet her at her home, douchebag. We meet at MY place
Hyatte1com: what kind of moron are you
Rollinbmwx4: my gf doesn't even drive
Hyatte1com: you can't even spell
Hyatte1com: she can walk.. duh

Rollinbmwx4: so u live around the boulder area than
Hyatte1com: yes, a big city like Boulder... I'm somewhere in there. Come and get me, faggot!! I'll strip you naked, hogtie you, and make you watch me fuck Mindy
Rollinbmwx4: man that won't happen u don't know who ur messin with and how dangerous i'am
Hyatte1com: yes, I'm sure you're the toughest kid in 9th grade... HA
Rollinbmwx4: i'am 21
Hyatte1com: and STILL in 9th grade

Rollinbmwx4: thats not true man she never said anything to u about me
Hyatte1com: that slut rode more donkey dicks than Britney Spears
Hyatte1com: she doesn't like talking about you to me. You embarrass her

Rollinbmwx4: whens the last time u talked to her
Hyatte1com: none of ya fucking business
Rollinbmwx4: look u don't know mindy she never fucked u . u wish u motha fucka and i don't embarrass her i been with her for a year
Hyatte1com: yeah, you keep thinking that, loser I know the truth Mindy knows the truth

Rollinbmwx4: i'am not a loser
Hyatte1com: Mindy says you are big time loser and a fag
Rollinbmwx4: does she wear plastic glasses and shes half white and phillpino
Hyatte1com: it's Filipino, stupid.
Rollinbmwx4: sorry
Hyatte1com: you sure are

Hyatte1com: now, apologize to me and I'll break it off with Mindy hurry up bitch, I'm a busy man
Rollinbmwx4: man no sorrys to u cause i'll find u and break u in half
Hyatte1com: good luck, stupid.
Rollinbmwx4: mindy will tell me where u live
Hyatte1com: Mindy will keep her mouth shut... she likes my cum
Rollinbmwx4: no she will won't

Hyatte1com: but do me a favor and take her out for a jog once in a while, that girl's gotta lose that big gut and that fat ass
Rollinbmwx4: ur a loser fucker
Hyatte1com: good comeback. And you wonder why Mindy sucks me off while leaving you with blue balls

The fight pretty much petered out after this.

You know, it’s chats like these that remind me how phenomenally stupid people are... I mean, it’s scary… frickin’ SCARY.


From the Midnight News: 07/21/2003:

DAVED AND CONFUSED

While we are in the motif…

Dave Scherer recently did that silly web guy move of booking his OWN BRILLIANT, CAN’T MISS PLAN TO BRING THE WWE BACK TO GLORY (the only one I know who has actual good ideas when he did these sort of things was Blake Norton… who might have died some time ago, unfortunately). Dave’s fantasy book involved the players from WCW and ECW banding together to feud with the WWE… how fresh.

Anyway, when you do shit like that, you get mail… Byron Turk e-mailed Dave to explain how lame his idea was… Dave responded… a brief flame battle ensued…

I love posting this stuff…

-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 3:43 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article

A simple plan to turn WWE around explained in multiple installments?
Fantasy booking is unprofessional for someone in your position unless you explicitely say you're doing it for fun. If you took your long winded article and summed it up to "Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman take RAW", that is better. Everyone can fantasy book, posting your column is just an attempt to trademark those ideas before someone else agrees with you and ruins your claim to the spotlight.
For what it's worth, I think it's an interesting idea, but the column sucks. So does "WECW". Call it something new, WCW and ECW are history.
Byron

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave Scherer [mailto:dscherer123@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 4:05 PM
To: Byron H Turk
Subject: Re: WWE Booking Article

I knew there would be someone who disagreed. Thanks for being him. And, if my column sucks, why do you read it?

-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 12:38 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article

I read the first few paragraphs and skimmed the rest. By the way, it's "why did you read it?", past tense.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave Scherer [mailto:dscherer123@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 12:57 PM
To: Byron H Turk
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article

No, you read it. All the time.


-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 08:14 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article

I'm pretty sure I haven't gone back to that column since that first time. I have been to the website since but not that column. Thanks anyways.

I love it when Dave gets pissy and all snotty with the reader. “No, you read it. All the time!” HA!!! Yes, you are all caught in Dave’s web of writing awesomeness and you can’t help but read him over and over!!

And notice… for a guy who gets “over 500 e-mails a day”… he really doesn’t ever take long to respond… less than 20 minutes each time!

From the Midnight News: 12/02/2002:

CHRIS HYATTE: WRESTLING JOURNALIST!!!

After a few e-mails and a close inspection... my nose for news started to SNIFF!!!

From The 411 NEWSBOARD!!!:

Update On Status Of Bret Hart

Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery.

Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02

Needing confirmation... I HUNTED DOWN THE SOURCE FOR SOME DAMN ANSWERS!!!

Hyatte1com (10:26:31 PM): did you get "heat" from that 411 news thing on Bret hart recovering from being hit by a car and is "on the road to recovery"?
Ashish (10:27:14 PM): huh?
Hyatte1com (10:27:46 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery. Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02

Hyatte1com (10:28:19 PM): You wrote that on purpose... didn't you
Ashish (10:28:33 PM): wrote what on purpose
Hyatte1com (10:28:59 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery.
Ashish (10:29:13 PM): what about it

Hyatte1com (10:29:26 PM): you DO realize how funny that is, right?
Ashish (10:29:35 PM): no

Hyatte1com (10:30:05 PM): oh come on... it's a great pun
Ashish (10:30:11 PM): ok

Okay... it was UNINTENTIONALLY funny... even so, my nose was STILL WIGGLING...so, while I had him:

Hyatte1com (10:30:35 PM): where was Friday's news report?
Ashish (10:30:52 PM): i was kind of sick so I didn’t do it

And then he left...

CASE SOLVED... solved before the FIERCE GLARE OF THE LIGHT OF TRUTH... THE GLARE OF HYATTE'S LIGHT!!

This has been another installment of CHRIS HYATTE: WRESTLING JOURNALIST. Courage.

From the Midnight News: 05/27/2002:

ASHISH SPEAKS!!!!!

As some of you may have noticed, 411 owner and resident "straight news is the ONLY news worthwhile" guy, Ashish tends to use the phrase "Like I said" several times in each of his columns. A few weeks ago, he used the phrase (and alternatives such as "As I said" and it's ilk) a record 16 times in one single column. Well, I caught up with him on AIM yesterday, and CONFRONTED HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL... witness:

Hyatte1com: Ash... we should talk about how you abuse the phrase "Like I said" all the time?

Stone9Cold: "Like I said" is key to a great news report

Hyatte1com: I read it and keep picturing you wagging your finger at the reader while lecturing

Stone9Cold: they need to get the facts down, it is the only way they will learn

Hyatte1com: oh my God.

Stone9Cold: Widro sucks at everything

Hyatte1com: I know, nevermind that... now here is a list of people I want banned from the 411 forum

Stone9Cold: Just go away Hyatte.

Then he logged off.

Just about all of that is true, by the way. The stuff I made up is only BARELY made up.

Moving on....

From the Midnight News: 07/08/2002:

A HOT BABE ACTING LIKE SHE'S ALL THAT? NO WAY!!

Earlier this week, Jim Ross made THIS cryptic statement:

Some days I wonder if being a WWE Diva is a blessing or a curse. Should be a blessing but some have certainly challenged that theory. Of course, my theory could be wrong.

Uh oh... when JR starts dropping little hints like that, people wet themselves. Net people mostly, eager to be the first to report who exactly Ross was talking about!!

Well, Dave Scherer is the winner of THIS race! As HE is the first to say:

I have heard from numerous sources that this week he was talking about Stacy Keibler when he wrote what he did on Friday. I have heard that JR is down on Keibler right now. Stacy herself has reportedly told friends she is aware of the heat, but there's nothing she can do about it. Her schedule is very demanding, even for a WWE performer. She has to work house shows, do photo shoots, do Diva specials, work out in the ring with Fit Finlay to improve as a wrestler and also do a lot of promotional work for the company. It ends up being a lot of days working and very few off.

Because of her push and sudden and popularity, Stacy is both well liked and resented in the locker room, depending on who you talk to. Keibler has reportedly lost the respect of talent relations and the agents lately by being late and not showing up for workout sessions. Some of those people are saying she is developing the "Diva attitude" that did in Sunny and Sable before her.

Always looking for a BRIGHT side to end things with Dave wrapped up by saying that Stacey is just a little "burnt out" and Dawn Marie will assist her by taking up some of her slack.

In a related note: Trish Stratus is a very polite, nice girl... right up until she blocked me off AIM.


******

And that last part, was the very first time I ever referred to any sort of contact with Trish Stratus.

5 years ago.

Whoof.

Enjoy this. I may delete it once I have a full blog prepared. Or I may keep it. Who knows.

Holy Crap

Compatibility... Kharma style

An Aries and a Sagittarius make a dynamic duo. On your own, you each constantly seek what's exciting and new. Together, you make an action-oriented pair. If there's anyone who loves being on the go as much as you do, it's a Sagittarius. Your impulsive Aries temperament and quick-to-change ways may rub your partner - who sets goals and actually accomplishes them - the wrong way on occasion. But on the bright side, you'll never find yourselves in a boring rut. You'll blaze trails and light the fires of excitement with each other wherever you go.

Wow... I mean... wow. This is scary.

I found this here.


Aries and Sagittarius

When Aries and Sagittarius come together in a love affair, it can be a match made in heaven! These partners have much in common -- similar energies and interests -- and are highly compatible. Both are explorers and pioneers. This relationship is torrid and exciting and both partners are always ready for a new adventure. They both crave life experience of their own and don't like to waste time just reading about it or listening to others tell about theirs. They do need to be careful, however: This could be an accident-prone relationship as Aries is always in a rush and Sagittarius tends to look at everything but the obvious. Also, as much as these two have in common, it may be difficult to maintain a long-term relationship when both parties have so much energy to start new things -- but not much interest in following through.

Aries and Sagittarius make great friends as well as lovers. They truly understand one another's optimistic view of life. Problems are rare, but Sagittarius has an even greater need for independence than does Aries, who can sometimes be overly possessive. Aries is also a bit more sensitive than the fun and flirty Archer; Sagittarius can tend to put their foot in their mouth, so to speak, by speaking without thinking. The good thing is, both Signs are able to forgive and forget fast. They don't have time to spend holding a grudge!

Aries is ruled by Mars (Passion) and Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter (Philosophy and Luck). Both of these Planets are masculine, so these Signs tend to look at the world in the same way. Sagittarius likes to take a risk under Jupiter's indulgent influence. Mars is all about initiative, taking (sometimes aggressive) action. When Aries comes up with a new, exciting idea for a date, trip or other adventure, Sagittarius is always ready and willing to go along for the ride.

Wow... so true.

and I found this one here

Wizard Says:
You both like independence. If you can agree to make a commitment, this is a harmonious relationship with an understanding partner.

Work:
Sagittarius will greatly enjoy working with Aries and this feeling will be mutual. As Fire signs they are both keen on success. However, Sagittarius is happier to take a backseat when it comes to recognition and so there is little danger of any competition between these two signs in the work place.

Friendship:
Aries and Sagittarius are made for each other in terms of friendship. Sagittarius helps to bring out Aries playful side and the mutual enthusiasm ensures that Aries is able to put the natural desire to dominate to one side. These two signs make great sporting buddies as they enjoy a physical challenge.

Love:
This could be a marriage made in heaven for both signs. Aries is excited by the lust for life that Sagittarius displays. In turn Sagittarius will find Aries’ playfulness endearing. The only danger is that these two are too loved up to focus on the practical responsibilities that come with any relationship.

Jesus Mother Moses. It's so... so... dead ON.

Found this one right here

What does this mean? It means Destiny is aligned with your heart and telling you to WAKE UP, STUPID!!

Whew... this is what I do when I'm bored and smitten.

No one is allowed to comment on this. There's plenty to comment on at the bottom

Cleaning House

I have a nice blog coming about writers and writing and all sorts of literary hoohaw... but right at the moment my schedule is controlling my LIFE so for now it's all about answering some comments.

1) October 11, 2007 1:52 AM... JesseBaker said... As for questions, what's your opinion on fraternities? While never a member of a frat, I generally got along quite well with members of the various frats during college and looked forward to the parties that they would throw, in terms of being able to score all of the free booze I can drink for the $5 cover fee and smoking weed in public with my friends. What is your opinion of them? Positive? Negative? Apathetic?

APATHY!!! PURE APATHY!!!

College frats are just a more organized, and more pompous version of High School cliques. Unless they are coming out of a Ivy League campus, and have a billion year history, and you being accepted as a member gets you major collateral in whatever Ivy league educated field you pursue after college, it does nothing for you. Nothing, zilch, nada.

Except, it gives you a crash test in responsibility. Can you blow off a night of partying to get some studying done? Can you sit in your room and read 5 chapters of "Advanced Physics with no word being less then 5 syllables" while your frat managed to get ten of the football team's cheerleading squad in the house and completely doused and wet on E. In that sense, a frat shows you the man you are about to become: Are you the driven, focused A-type who gets what needs to be done, done no matter who's getting undressed just outside your door or are you the ID crazy B-Type who slams the book shut, says, "Fuck it, I'll bullshit my way through the exam", and goes looking for a few nice, moist holes to slip your raging boner into (or a nice stiffy to fill one of your holes with... girls have the same challenge with Sororities). Can you bypass beer a few nights a week for a good night's sleep? Can you blow past the poker game and head straight for the library for a quiet night of research? Can you keep focus even though there's a party every night and Mom and Dad are faaaaar away?

You know what, I never could. Which is pretty much one of the most honest things you'll ever get out of me.

Frats are ridiculous beneath a certain level. And they could force you to learn how to be a grown-up.

2) October 11, 2007 12:01 PM... Bruce said... Oh Mighty Hyatte, please pontificate on the sad spectacle that is our upcoming Presidential Election. Who you got, and why?

I talked about this in an earlier blog, but I destroyed the whole thing... no, you all remember that one. It's what led to this current blog concept. Why did I destroy it? I forget. Probably to scare a girl into thinking I was gone forever. It's usually how I do things. Once upon a time, you just had to change your phone number... now its a whole Internet changeover.

Anyway, its funny how our country works. We go two hundred and forty one years without a woman or a black guy as even having the stones to TRY to run (although Fritz Mondale did try to win the White House with Geraldine Ferrera as his running mate... but Ronald Reagan made quick work of ol' Fritz by God) and now, we're either going to elect a black dude OR a white girl.

Or Rudy Guiliani... but people just HATE this guy. It's a New York thing. 90% of the people in the country LOVE New York, in small doses. The only people who love it full time are born New Yorkers and gay actors/waiters. No one outside the five burroughs really want this guy telling us what to do.

We are all in agreement that John Edwards has zero chance, right?

John McCain? Well, he's a very likeable guy and is a war hero and can't raise his arm higher than his shoulder... but... come on... how any times does he plan on getting rejected before he stops asking us out on a date?

Al Gore? You know, he might actually take the House if he ran, but I think he's still scarred up from the last time he ran. There shouldn't have been an issue with Florida and hanging chads and the whole, "Bush stole the Presidency" debacle. Gore should have took this thing home in a landslide. It was his to lose and he lost it.

Fred Thompson? He's already tired. He's an old dude from Texas who is already dreaming of chilling out at his ranch and taking the occasional bit part in a movie.

Part of Guiliani's and Thompson's problem is that they are Republicans. It's over for the Republicans. They had eight years to improve our lives and... well... not even Nixon can claim such a clusterfuck. 3/4 of the world either hates us or is laughing at us and the other 1/4 is still wearing loinclothes made out of chicken feathers and never heard of television, much less Bill O'Reilly

So really, even with a year to go, it's down to two Democrats. Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton.

And the Clintons have forgotten more about sneaky politics then most politions will ever learn.

And if you don't care for Hilary, you have Bill there, with his warm smile, basically saying, "Look, put my wife in. She's really smart and really cares. And... trust me, I'll be a hands on First Husband. Look, get my wife in there and I'll make sure everything gets fixed. We can all get back to making some money again."

We're about to have our first woman President. And the only people to suffer from this are women athlete/celebrities who trot out the whole, "I'm doing it to show girls that we can do anything" philosophy for whatever crazy stunt they do in front of cameras. We have a woman running the most powerful country in the world. It's over... women are now equals.

Obama seems like a nice guy, but he needs at least eight more years of seasoning before he eyes the big prize... and I'm not too sure America in general can handle a brother in office just yet.


3) October 11, 2007 12:11 PM ... JT said...What's your take on the middle east situation? What do you think of the way we have handled (or not handled depending on your position) everything that has gone on in recent years? That's heavy stuff, but important in this day and age. Thanks again.

I think its a damn shame. Someone smarter than me said, "Bush and Cheney decided to do no less then try to change the oldest culture in the history of civilization." I think there was a smidge of good intent in this but it simply drowned under an ocean of oil greed and arrogant posturing. I also think Dick Cheney is as close to passive evil as we will ever see in a human being.

And Osama Bin Laden will die by natural causes among family and friends with a big smile on his face. Job well done.

At the very least, unlike with Vietnam, when our soldiers come home they will receive a hero's welcome and thanks of a grateful nation. We're smart enough as a nation to not blame them for this mess.

4) October 14, 2007 4:33 PM ... Anonymous said... Whats the best meal you can cook on your own, the one you whip out when you have a girl over or something, or just when you feel like eating something great.

Well, the few times I have actually cooked for a girl, it's been soup.

Yes, you've heard me right. Soup.

Why? Because it's easy as hell to make but it looks complex, there are sooooo many varieties that you can make something for even the pickiest of eaters, and a good, homemade soup made by a date leads to a strong sense of comfort and intimacy. How can this guy be any bad? He makes such a nice, hot soup!

Plus it's not filling and high in vitamins. Makes for energetic after-dinner activites.

The last really good soup I made for a girl (a BLACK girl, no less) was Crab Bisque with sourdough bread on the side. We went through a nice bottle of Reisling along with it. (Reisling ROCKS with light, salty fare, also a PERFECT picnic wine when you're enjoying cheese and crackers).

For the next few dates I move up the ladder but still keep things simple - I usually grill things like steak and chicken for them... because by then their appetitites tend to grow with their comfort level around you and they usually end up relaxing enough to let you see them eat big. Besides, grilling meat is easy so long as you prepare an elaborate marinade the night before.

And on the big night, when you decide to keep her around for a while and she decides the same, you make the pasta dish, THAT'S when you bust out the cookbooks and prepare the most elaborate sauce you can.

And really, to do anything more elaborate would require cooking classes, or a more full-time attentiveness... and I don't have enough of those situations to do any of that.

5) November 3, 2007 10:43 PM... Anonymous said... What's your take on 9/11 Conspiracists? Nutjobs who will never be taken seriously, or are they on to something that the rest of us are blind to?

They are assholes.

Put one of the biggest commercial jets with a tank full of gas into a building and the building goes down. Period.

Take two of the biggest buildings in the world and make them crumble down to the ground and it will affect the neighboring builds around them. Period.

Jesus Christ. Even people who think OJ was framed. Even people who think JFK was assasinated by his own people. Even people who think wrestling is REAL think people who think 9/11 was rigged by our own Government are morons.

6) November 6, 2007 5:52 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey, lookit... Hyatte made a black chick BLUSH! Such is his power. I guess she's not, y'know... BLACK black, but still... very cool!

Only someone who has never made a black girl blush would say something like this.

So her skin didn't turn white, or red, but there were definite signs of blushing. A giggle, eyes looking downward. Wide smile. Sort of not knowing what to say. More giggling.

Talk to enough girls and you can see the signs.

7) November 10, 2007 5:44 PM... T.A.C. said... sometimes, i feel like an eavesdropper.... disgruntled in toronto undisgruntled someone she doesn't even know. just cuz she reminded me that hyatte likes RHIANNA (seriously though, for REAL??), and that makes me laugh out loudz. and also cuz sometimes it's fun to think i've figured things out, even if i'm later proven wrong.

Okay, for anyone reading who has no clue what he is referring to, read the comments section for the last few installments.

Yes, I like Rhianna, and I like "Umbrella" more since I learned that... well, there's a more intimate meaning behind it now.

She also has fun with her songs. She's a playful singer.

But the reason I'm responding to this is to let you all know that you probably won't ever really know the story here. You can eavesdrop all you want, it's part of the fun here, but a LOT of things will have to happen before any of you find out the whole story.

And there is more then just one girl involved, by the way. Or is there?

And how does the fact that I have NO restrictions on commenting fit into this? I've already made wrong assumptions here before.

Mwahahahahahaaaaa.... oh this is so lame.

8) November 15, 2007 10:10 AM ... FLEA said...
(To the tune of Dear Prudence – the Beatles)

Dear Fleabag, won't you come out to play

Dear Fleabag, my music taste’s turned gay

I write my blog and reel them in

Like catfish drunked up on gin

Dear Fleabag, won't you come out to play

The clouds will be a daisy chain (DAISY CHAIN – HAWR!)

Hmm... first off, you know, lemme tell you somethin', take the first verse and the fifth verse and replace "Fleabag" with "Hi-Rate", "Hy8", "Cocksucker", or whatever nickname you have for me these days and you'll have a much closer version of the truth.

One of our phones be ringing and it ain't yours.

Go hang at the CRZ forum and tell Shapiro how great he is and I'll get back to you.

9) October 27, 2007 5:40 AM ... Anonymous said... You should blog Survivor Hyatte!

No I shouldn't

10) November 15, 2007 9:48 PM Patricia said... I wont be around after today until Mon 26th, just so you know. Nice work, keep it up kid.

I hope Larry forgot his sunblock and his sensitive little balding head got all burned and all you did was fight, fight, fight and I hope the sex was just as boring and predictable there as it is everywhere else.

And before anyone gets too amazed... she gave most of her MySpace buddy list the same "Won't be around" message. The entire roster of professional wrestlers in the UK was informed.

11) November 21, 2007 6:19 PM... Patricia said... Just checking in.....Like you knew I couldn´t stay away.....

Awww sweetie... if only that was a shoot.

And if anyone noticed a difference in tone between these two notes... almost like it's from two different people... no, it's the same person and yes, she's like this ALL THE TIME... you never know who you're gonna get at any given moment.

It's kind'a fun, actually. And kind'a... not so much fun.

12) November 23, 2007 11:39 AM... necroz said... I remember when brett was funny. I also remember when you were fun to read. You're still interesting when on topic but I certainly miss a nice MidniteRant

Well, okay.... Necroz... here's the thing...

I don't fucking miss it.

But let's back up. It's spelled "Midnight", douche. It's also not a fucking "rant". I don't "rant". Scooter Keith doesn't "rant". Ranting involves rage and obsessiveness. Scooter never got upset about anything, ever.

You're a fucking retard. You remember when I was fun to read? I remember when I told people to NOT give me shit about columns on this blog. Were you not paying attention?? Are you fucking dense?

You can't spell "Midnight" so I think yes.

Don't fucking visit here if you don't think you're getting your money's worth... because if you assholes had decided to rob your daddy's wallet and send me some green, I might have found the inner desire to keep on with my "midnite fucking ranting"... but since you cheap fuckers didn't spring... I don't stay up all night dreaming up new ways of entertaining you with wrestling fucking news.

I don't miss doing columns because there was no payoff. That's the crazy fucking thing about me... I will stay involved with something on good faith that there MAY be something in it for me at the end... and I'll stay with it for a good long while before I let go... but eventually I will let go and then it's fucking DONE.

If you're not enjoyinng yourself here, cowboy... then stop reading. If you can't do that, then shut the fuck up.

Fuck you and what you "miss"... and buy a motherfucking dictionary.

BLARH!!!! There's your fucking rant. And before you hammer out some sizzling retort... just know that I'll clip out every single comment that tries to egg me on about this. This will NOT become me vs a pack of fags. Trust me on this.

Back in a few. Have a nice weekend.

What we call a ball tickler

Obviously, a bigger blog is coming soon. I'm shooting for Saturday evening.

But until then, remember when Bret Hart was funny? No? Well he was.

Love Songs, and tons of responses

Ham Slow walked by me the other day and stuck her fist out for a tap. I just stared at it and said, "uh uh, you let the OTHER white boys tap fists. I get more." And grabbed her fist and kissed it. She pulled away before I could get her first two fingers in my mouth. She was giggling, tho'

Today's installment will be STUFFED. I plan on answering a lot of questions. I also plan on shoving a LOT of secret messages in here, so you little bastards can eavesdrop and create your own theories. Just DON'T SHARE THEM WITH ME.

One day I'll open the floor and let you all take guesses, but not today.

Anyway, let's start things off by going completely homosexual on you all.

HIDDEN SECRET NOTES AND MESSAGES

All for one, viewed by many. Lead me on... you know you want to.

Ahem, I'm glad my love for Rihanna carried over to you, and yes, the song does speak to me about us, (which one of us is the black chick, tho'?)... but there are a couple of songs that have the same effect.

So here we have Rihanns's "Umbrella". Here are most of the lyrics and my comments on the side to SHOW just how prophetic they are!!

Umbrella by Rihanna

You have my heart (I told you I did)

And we'll never be worlds apart (AMEN, BABY!!!!)

May be in magazines (huh?)

But you'll still be my star (damn tootin')

Baby cause in the dark (Ooops, wrong hole, sorry baby))

You can't see shiny cars (nor my backfat, THANKYOU, THANKYOUVERYMUCH)

And that's when you need me there (True)

With you I'll always share (LIES!!)

Because

[Chorus]

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together (at least once every 6 weeks)

Told you I'll be here forever (No I didn't)

Said I'll always be a friend (True, but that would SUCK)

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end (Fuckin'... I will too... I'm a TOOL!!!)

Now that it's raining more than ever (DOWNPOURING, BABY!!)

Know that we'll still have each other (I know NOTHING of the sort!!)

You can stand under my umbrella (Where is it?)

You can stand under my umbrella (WHERE IS IT???)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (Eh?)

Under my umbrella (Send me a Mapquest of its location)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (EH??)

Under my umbrella (Directions on a napkin... ANYTHING)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (who is this Ella?)

Under my umbrella (I'M GETTING SOAKED HERE!!)

(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh) (bleh)

These fancy things, will never come in between (Unless it's a fancy vibrator, then I'm all over it!!)

You're part of my entity, here for Infinity (My favorite lyric of them all)

When the war has took it's part (there is a deeper meaning here)

When the world has dealt it's cards (There's always a re-deal, I keep telling you this)

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart (Oh I'm hard, baby!)

Because

[Chorus]

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together (brighter than you think, kid)

Told you I'll be here forever (I made no such promises)

Said I'll always be a friend (pulling my pud)

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end (yeah, got me there)

Now that it's raining more than ever (MONSOON!! A CHINOOK!!!)

Know that we'll still have each other (.... yeah, I know)

You can stand under my umbrella (DONDE ESTA EL UMBRELLIO????)

You can stand under my umbrella (HOW ABOUT A GENERAL VICINITY???)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (EH? What are you, Canadian?)

Under my umbrella (I'm gonna get hypothermia out here in this rain)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (Eh, eh, eh... a Canadian stutterer??)

Under my umbrella (now my balls are soaked and wrinkly)

(Ella ella eh eh eh) (FEH)

And so on... and so forth

But like I said... there are a LOT of songs apply to us, baby. For instance, here is a big recent hit from a BEAUTIFUL singer and a GORGEOUS woman...

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Da Da Da Da (Which is exactly the sound I make when coming... "DA... DA... DA.... DUH... DA.... DAAAAAAAA YEAH BABY!!! WHOOOHOOOOO.... hookay then, money's on the nightstand, have a good one,")

The smell of your skin lingers on me now (some of that may be the farting I did while screaming "DA... DA... DA.... DUH... DA.... DAAAAAAAA YEAH BABY")

You're probably on your flight back to your home town (HA! What a great line. I'll have to use it one day)

I need some shelter of my own protection baby (I need ME TIME, baby)

To be with myself and center, clarity

Peace, Serenity (nothing wrong with chill time... private time to flirt with Mark McGrath on MySpace and that friend of yours from Wilmington as you try, once again, to find a better deal than me)

[CHORUS:]

I hope you know, I hope you know (I do baby. Uhh... know what?)

That this has nothing to do with you (what has nothing to do with me?)

It's personal, myself and I (That strange odor? YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS NORMAL FOR A GIRL YOUR AGE!!)

We've got some straightenin' out to do (Yeah, you're fucked up)

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket (yeah well... wait a minute..)

But I've got to get a move on with my life (waiiiit a second... hold on... WAIT A SECOND HERE)

It's time to be a big girl now (NO!! Growing up is overrated!! OVERRATED!!)

And big girls don't cry (Of course they do, once their triceps start shaking uncontrollably whenever they move))

The path that I'm walking (I don't believe this)

I must go alone (Bad choice by Hyatte)

I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown (This has nothing to do with anything concerning us)

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? (YES THEY DO GODDAMMIT!!)

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay (BRING THAT DAMN UMBRELLA OVER TO ME AND STOP THIS STUPID-TALK)

ENOUGH... ignore this song. Has NOTHING to do with our true love, baby.

Here. try THIS song by Fergie Ferg...

All That I Got (The Make Up Song) by Fergie (cameo by Will I. Am)

Baby, baby when you’re looking deep in my eyes
I know you’re seeing past my make-up
Into the little girl that used to hide out and cry
When her parents fought
Tryin’ to be strong

You can see the hurt in me
The cover ups so secretly
And all that I aspire to be
You see, you see
You know who I really am
No entourage or caravan
And do u even give me a damn
About all that, tell me

[Chorus]
Would you love me if I didn't work out or I didn't change my natural hair
I could be the one you want to grow older with, baby
I’ll give you all that I got

See, I don't mean to scare you now and push you away
Cause I’m not tryin’ to rush anything
But when i look into your eyes I'm not scared you'll say,
I see little you, I’m in the picture too

Like a happy family tree
We’re together constantly
This could be eventually
We’ll see, we’ll see
But all that I have got to know
Is with me baby will you grow
Through sun and rain and heavy snow
Oh tell me so now baby

[Chorus x2]

[Will.I.Am:]
It’s as simple as one and two
I’m in love with you
And three and four
You’re all I adore
To the seven and eight
See I’ve been making mistakes
Cause when you’re on my mind
I just cant think straight
Back to the five and six
I’m all in the mix and I'm all into you
Without the lipstick
Without the L’Oreal
You remain the same angel that I fell for
For real, for real

Okay then, now we're talking.

And last but not least... you want a song that SCREAMS you and me... well, look no further than the QUEEN of silly love songs...

Can't Let Go by Mariah Carey

There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right
Don't you know you were my life

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can't accept
My world is gone
No no

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
Oh

Do you even realize the sorrow
I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
No I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
'Cause every night
I see you in my dreams

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

Here's hoping you never do.

Any one of these songs - and a lot more - remind me of you. And gets me thinking. I think so much about you it's part of me now. Thinking of you is now part of my personality.

And I DON'T CARE if the mood has passed. I felt like reminding you of this.

(note to everyone else reading... this line is GOLD... use it when appropriate and I hope you have better luck then me. All I got was a yawn)

No no, no, NOOOO, don't phunk with my HEART

I wonder if I took you home, would you still be IN LOVE, BABY... IN LOVE BABY??

Let's try to keep this going longer than 3 weeks this time, okay baby? Please?

And to everyone bored to tears here... heh, my blog, my rules.

*******

One thing I am LOVING is AIM radio. They show some XM stations on it for free. It's sweet to log on, go invisible, and just mellow out. Right now I'm listening to the Janet Jackson all the time station. If my favorite song comes Up I will stop and jam with you all online. Yes I will.

*******

What some of you, especially the youngsters, may not realize is that if this Writer's Strike goes on too much long, we will be SERIOUSLY hurting for entertainment.

No new scripted shows covers EVERYTHING... HBO, FX, Showtime, Internets. What? You think you can get by on YOUTUBE???

It's not HORRIFYING tho'. It was horrifying in 1988, during the last writer's strike that lasted 6 months. Then we only had ABC, NBC, and CBS. FOX was just two hours on Saturday and Sunday (anyone remember "The New Adventures of Beans Baxter"? How about "Open House"?) We, as American consumers, were CRIPPLED by this strike. REPEATS!! REPEATS REPEATS REPEATS!!. My poor mother considered moving to Texas to personally find Larry Hagman and find out what that weasel Cliff Barnes was up to.

At least now we have billions of cable stations to poass the time with. If you ain't a fan of Mythbusters, or Dirty Work, or Ghosthunters, or Inside the Obesity Clinic... I suggest you GET used to it, fast.

Reality TV, sports, and repeats! Oh, and wrestling. Great. That's our entertainment options for the next YEAR if this strike goes on for too much longer

The WWE writers, who left their Hollywood jobs (Brian Gerwitz wrote Jenny, which was Jenny McCarthy's first sitcom that lasted 4 weeks - and there are a lot of soap opera writers in there too) had to LEAVE the WGA in order to get the WWE creative gig. You think they regret this or maybe wish they COULD join the strike and take a vacation?

They're probably reading about the strike and thinking, "On one hand, it's nice to keep a steady paycheck. On the other hand... Jesus, I miss the times when I felt like a REAL writer!!"

I haven't seen a real writer amongst this group. Although I'm sure what we see on WWE TV is a LOT of Vince McMahon re-writing.

************

Okay so, it's time for everyone's favorite part of this blog:

-November 10, 2007 12:25 PM Patricia said... From disgruntled in Toronto: Check out Brit band McFly's cover of 'Umbrella'. x

Sucked. Horrible. Which member of the band are you dating?

I'm just trying to figure out what your name links to.

November 11, 2007 2:43 AM... T.A.C. said... sometimes, i feel like an eavesdropper....disgruntled in toronto undisgruntled someone she doesn't even know. just cuz she reminded me that hyatte likes RHIANNA (seriously though, for REAL??), and that makes me laugh out loudz. and also cuz sometimes it's fun to think i've figured things out, even if i'm later proven wrong.

And to everyone else... this is the plan, well, one of them, of this blog. To keep you wondering. And the fact that I keep the comments open to ANYONE... anonymous, create-a-name, anything you want only adds to the fun.

It's fun for me too.

And is it who you all think it MAY BE... could be. Or maybe a faker. Or maybe me just fucking with you all. Is it the same person I shoot secret messages to? Or is that someone else.

Just shut up and work the clues, people. I'm still issueing the "Not for comments" rule, but obviously, as I let this guy's comment through, it's on a case by case basis. You're all on a short leash here. Sky's the limit on anything else.

- September 18, 2007 4:26 PM... Anonymous said: Have you seen the new Doctor Who?

No but I once fucked a Dental Assistant who looked like an owl.

And yes, you waited almost two months for this response

-September 22, 2007 11:49 PM... tom said... which site did you enjoy writing the most for?

Scoops, definitely. It put me on the map, it made me a legend, and if I stayed and managed to convince Al that selling out would be the DUMBEST idea, the Internet would be a lot different around today and I'd probably be making some money by now.

Declaration of Independents comes second because, while I lost a good chunk of my usual readers, I GAINED a shitload of new ones... Missy Hyatt finally figured out who I was, and hated me, Jasmin St. Clair screamed at Sean for an hour about me, Tammy Sytch may have finally learned how she is connected to my column, Mark Madden tried to sue me there, and I got to show Frank Goodman what a fucking Internet beatdown REALLY was. That was a fun year and a half. But I was definitely feeling the burn-out with all this wrestling talk.

411 comes third because at the time it was a pretty big site that LOTS of people went to (maybe they still do, I don't know) and I built my "And Another Thing" columns there. The Mop-Ups were toast by then, but it was where I created a THIRD style of column that has since been used as the way columns are written. (Midnight News)

ScoopThis comes fourth because... well, I wrote my first column there, then went away for 5 weeks, then did a SECOND Mop-Up, then took a week off, then did... like a 20 week run of columns that I STILL never topped. I did it because I felt guilty to them for pulling the prima donna act and doing only 2 columns in 2 months and they weren't doing anything else on the site and it was just me for 20 weeks. Plus it was fun watching Scoops squirm after I abandoned them.

Inside Pulse comes last because the site was and is a disaster and Widro never should have left Ashish. I lost more readers at IP then anywhere else.

So there you go. Scoops was where I changed the rules, ScoopThis has some of my funniest recaps, 411 was where I started having fun, IP was where I wanted to shoot myself in the face, and DOI is where I found new things to fuck with.

-September 21, 2007 6:55 PM ... Anonymous said... do you still have a subscription to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter?

Yup. I'm one of the sheep. Worth every penny, too. I have a Torch sub too but that's more for the audio stuff and message board stuff and building a case against the overall gayness that is Wade Keller (nice guy, but make him swallow a coal and he'll shit out a diamond, and a few hamsters, and various car keys.

Anyway, let's stick with the IWC theme for a minute...

-October 11, 2007 4:33 PM... Charles A... said... Speaking of how bad Scoops edited your stuff any chance you have those old Mop-Ups? I think it would be a fun look back at how wrestling was 10 years ago; before people started dying and all. For anyone wondering RichinKC still works with DDP on his website.

I have them, on disks, somewhere around here.

The problem is that I'm very lazy. And I'm not sure if they hold up.

I'll see what I can do. They might be gone, or sitting in Florida being stared at by a drunk who has almost cleaned all the shit out of his oatmeal.

(that one is so inside not even the usual inside target is getting this one)

-October 22, 2007 9:27 AM... Anonymous said... Why dont you buy a bootleg set of wrestling challange/superstars/SNMEs and Mop them UP? So all your old stuff is gone? Thats amazing, when I was reading red stripe, I did wonder if I should be saving it.

I have a better idea, why don't I buy a major league baseball, coat it in superglue, roll it in broken glass, dip it in hydrocloric acid, and go down to the bus station and have some crackhead shove it right up my ass for $50.

Scooter does all that stuff, I don't anymore.

-November 8, 2007 10:36 AM ... Anonymous said... Hey, I noticed you got a link on InsidePulse. Apparently they're bringing back some mystery writer and they "secretly" linked a bunch of the well-known IWC guys in the teaser. The funny thing is, here's the company they put you in: Sean Shannon, Al Isaacs, Ben Morse, Flea, Eric S., Scots, Keith, Grut and CRZ. Ben fucking Morse? Are you kidding me?

And to SHOW that I am a fucking genius... here's the answer I gave in the comments scetion:

November 9, 2007 1:36 PM Chris said... It's probably Eric

And of course, it was Eric S.

Well who else COULD it be? I mean, DUH.

They did a fine job with the "Viral marketing" scam, the problem is NO ONE CARES. "THE IWC IS ON NOTICE" Well, who is that? There IS no more IWC. I'm sorry. It's dead. No one pays attention to anyone else anymore. I can't go cracking on anyone and expect a good ol' fashioned feud... and even if I did, I'd feel like an asshole doing it.

Wrestling on the web is Meltzer, Scherer, the Torch, and message boards. That's it. One of them just strokes our cocks a little to get us buying his newsletter, Scherer threatens us with computer destruction via ads and spyware unless we pay for his site, and Keller... well, actually, Wade keller runs a good free site and a good pay site. Got to hand it to him, you get a lot of bang for your buck with him.

And then Eric came back and he doesn't change. He still can't find a permenant job, he still drives the same van, he's still cranky and on more meds than the entire WWE locker room.

Seriously, it HAD to be Eric.

-Sean Shannon doesn't have the balls (heh, he's still pre-op HA!!) to come back, or the desire.

-Scooter is STILL there so what's the point of a big build up?

-Al Isaacs has been burned by the Internet (worse then I was burned last Summer) and won't be trying to return, and even if he did he'd buoild his own site and NOT be just another writer on a site no one goes to

-Grut is there part time and probably doesn't have the motivation to do it full time

-CRZ is a weirdo.

-Scotsman would do one column, maybe two, then get sick of it and that would be the end.

-Ben Morse was never a wrestling writer

-Flea has NO staying power. He gets bored very easy, and he hates that writing a column is harder than it seems. And its no fun without me around.

-And Hyatte... me? I have no intention of ever coming back. And if I did, it would be at the DOI site.

And who else COULD it be? No one.

This was a decent (if not a shameless rip-off) build-up... but the pay-off has no choice but to be a letdown. The IWC was put on notice but the irony is, what's left of the IWC didn't notice. Except for me, and that's because someone mentioned it in the comments section. And I'm HARDLY the IWC anymore.

Move ON, Widro... build something different.

November 6, 2007 12:29 PM Anonymous said... How big of a douchebag is that Larry Csonka on 411? Not only is he a pizza cook, but a wrestler and now a a writer of movies. Seriously, have you ever read a bigger douche?

And since I didn't answer fast enough, he needed to make SURE I'd comment.

November 11, 2007 2:43 AM Anonymous said... Seriously. How big of a douche is Larry Csonka. He really is all that is wrong with The IWC. That and he now claims to write Tremors 4 and find the time to be a wrestler while having to work as a pizza cook to pay bills. Fucking douche.

Do you realize that in both posts you openly wondered hor big a douche(bag) he is AND you ended... WAIT A SECOND... MY FAVORITE JANET JACKSON SONG JUST CAME ON...

Everybody on the floor (Let's go)
Let's get HARDCORE!!! (Get low)
Make my SWEAT POUR!!! (Oh no)
Don't stop (Gimme some more)
Ooh my body's yours (SPANK THAT!!)
Spank that back door (HANDPRINTS ON YO BLACK SKIN!!!!)
Drive me like a Porsche' (or a very nice Camry)

I could dance all night (ME TOO!! with several breaks in between)

Can we take this party higher? (SOMEONE GRAB THE OXY!!!)

Now just put your hands to the sky and

Clap, clap, clap, clap

I could dance all night

I have to buy this CD in case I can score Ham Slow. Miss Jackson (cuz I'm nasty) will help me lead her to the promise land.

Anyway... you ended both posts with "douche". I find this amusing.

The answer is no. I don't go to 411mania anymore. I swear. The only reason I USED to go is to find shit for my column. I'm not into findind internet wrestling shit for my blog. And I don't find 411mania worth my time.

When I was at DOI, as many of you might remember, I mentioned that Larry Csonka is bragging about being a wrestler and BEGGED anyone reading to PLEASE verify this. Mind you, DOI is the goddam ONLINE INDY GROUND ZERO!! If you are in the business, and not a full time WWE'er, you visit DOI, if only to see what your friends are doing.

No one ever said a peep.

I don't know Csonka from a Jersey housewife... but if he makes pizza, then he delivers for Dominos. If he writes movies, then why isn't he out striking? Everyone writes books and movies, and they sit in a drawer or harddrive and is never seen by anyone. Writing shit is easy, writing sellable shit is hard.

Csonka is like anyone else online. Puffing up the online image because the self-image needs stroking.

-October 18, 2007 10:09 AM ... Raxa said... Hi-8. Who's this Steve Cook clown over at 411? He sure as hell can't write, and his Ask411 feature is just horrible.Answers like: Q: Who was the last ECW champion? A: It may have been Rhino. Or the janitor. I may be right, I may not be. Who can say? That's just my opinion. He also seems to have women issues. And not in a good way.

I have no clue who this Steve Cook is. Listen, 411 and Inside Pulse and the Lords of Pain (are they even still around?) are CUT AND PASTE SITES!!! Why go THERE?? For the unique perspectives? Okay... who are they?

I'm telling you. People scream "You ego-jacked fucktard!!" at me for this... but I SAW which way the wind was blowing. We ran fresh OUT of interesting viewpoints and colorful takes... we ran out of original voices.

You think I was joking when I said I was the last of a dead breed? Most of the writers we have now over on my two sites are just dopey kids who don't want to put forth too muych effort in their columns and have nothing to say either.

So go visit 411 and IP and have a good time! But for me, it's just a waste of my time. I'm the best damn writer they ever had and I KNOW I'm just another asshole... what chance does Larry Csonka have at being anything other than a jackoff with a keyboard?

-November 2, 2007 3:41 PM ... Anonymous said... you should go back to the doi for 39 cents per week and recap tna

Sean, those checks would bounce too, you broke-ass motherfucker.

And that porn site you gave me the free password to has dried up. Get me another one, quick. Trish wants to watch and take notes.

October 26, 2007 10:27 AM... Anonymous said... What happened to 1ryderfakin?

Flea gets boared with things and couldn't think of anything to do with the site. I'll give the guy credit, he had The Taking of Triple H perfectly formatted too. Better then Widro would've done.

Next time I'll tell the story of The Taking of Triple H. Oh yes, there is backstory there.

Okay... five more and then I'm calling it a blog

-November 2, 2007 5:58 PM... Anonymous said... Something ironic about Elijah Burke hunting spooks. HEY-YO!

Not sure if I noticed, eh?

Puts envelope to head

"A Large Florida Reptile, a place to keep beer, and a place where they show movies"

A LARGE FLORIDA REPTILE... A PLACE TO KEEP BEER... AND A PLACE WHERE THEY SHOW MOVIES...

rip... poof

"Name an AlliGATOR, a refridgERATOR, and a movie thEATRE"

HAHAHAHAHA HOOOOO HIYOOOOOOOOOO

My your wife demand that you tear down your ding dong TOOLSHED.

-November 13, 2007 8:02 PM Patricia said... Yeah, get a Myspace page.

Oh God, and be one of hundreds of friends?? And supply a picture?? And go through the nightmare of building a friend list and sending messages and... ugh ugh UGH.

There are more fun ways to get daily contact going, my dear.

-October 16, 2007 4:34 PM ... Tim said... Question: Do you buy books or visit the local library.

BOOKSTORE!! Libraries are for suckers.

That's wrong of me. Libraries are a VITAL part of getting kids to start reading.

But I never return the books on time.

Years ago, I borrowed "His Way: The Unauthorized Frank Sinatra Story" by Kitty Kelly from my local library... and it was a fine read.

A year later I remembered that this book wasn't mine and someone else should read it. So I took it back. A full year later. MORE than a year, in fact.

So since I borrowed it, they had overhauled their library and now the entrance was in the back of the building... and instead of stepping right into the library and the WORLD OF BOOKS AND KNOWLEDGE AT MY FINGERTIPS... there was a large foyer... empty, with a door leading to the books.

And a receptionist at the desk.

So I slipped the book towards the drop-off... but she stuck out her hand and said, "I'll take that." She was an older woman... a grandmother, really, with the sweetest smile only a grandmother could have.

I handed her the book and turned to leave. I peeked over my shoulder as she opened my book... filled with stains and marks, and nicks from a year + in my posession...

And the grandmotherly smile dropped. Her plump, red lips PURSED into a scowl.

I walked faster.

She looked up at me, then looked closer at the book return date, as if to double-check.

I ran out of there. Ran like HELL ITSELF was on my tail!!

And I haven't ben there since.

I'm a bookstore guy now. If I want a book, I'll steal it... or buy it, depends.

-November 7, 2007 10:01 AM ... T.A.C. said... jeezus hyrate (tm Flea?) -- it's taken you THIS long to realize that words work on chicks??? some take poetry, some take songs, some take bullshit, some take logically presented business plans.... but every chick has a weak spot for words. it's that whole "communication" thing, i figure.... but despite this, congrats. you're still better than me. :D

You again?

See, the point isn't that I wrote her something fruity that she fell for. I WROTE HER A BUSINESS PLAN IN TWO HOURS (collectively) THAT SHE COULDN'T WRITE IN WEEKS AND GOT HER AN A ON IT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ZERO FORMAL BUSINESS EDUCATION!!!

Trust me, there probably ain't ANYONE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE IWC who knows how to get girls to fall for you with just words. I had a LOT of them fall for me. I'd start naming them but that's considered too tacky.

Many of them are reading this and are STILL getting turned on.

-October 11, 2007 7:50 PM ... Brian said... I was wondering if there was any chance you will post some of your non-wrestling related writing here. It would be great to read any type of writing you have done whether its short stories, poetry, a novel, etc. If you aren’t going to I understand but it would be nice to read some of you’re work and have it not be about wrestling. One quickie question too, what do you think of us, your fans? I mean do you look down on us or think of us as just stupid geeks or equals of sorts?

I) Sure, I'll put up a short story here. Working on a couple right now, in fact.

2) What do I think of you guys? Honestly? I have no business looking DOWN on you'all, especially since the ones who never cared for me... and in fact HATE ME, have the good sense to not start in on me here. This isn't a threat, what I'm saying is that there's no point to tell me I suck ON MY OWN BLOG... there's nothing to prove... and its not like you'll ruin my day.

What do I think of you guys? You found me all the time, you stuck around all this time. I gave you free labor and you gave me an audience. I wouldn't have done ten years of columns if I thought I was preaching to the small crowd I have right now, here... but doing this, having fun, fucking with secret notes and giving you all some answers you might have always wondered...

I'm sure some of you are stupid geeks... but we all grew up together, kind of. I am talking to husbands, wives, businessmen, salesmen, artists, students, and janitors. I know one or two of you are filthy rich, I'm sure many of you are middle class, and maybe a couple of you are dirt poor. It's all the same to me. You leave comments that are fun, respectful, smart, and sometimes even witty.

And two of you I want to fuck really, really badly... maybe three if April Hunter is still reading.

So there you go.

WOW... quite a blog. Fill my comments section because, as you know, I show up only once or twice a week... so throw in comments and everyone will have an excuse to check this out every day.

Talk to you later, brothers and sisters

Sunshine and other notes

I can already tell that this will DEFINITELY feel like outtakes from my old column then anything resembling a legit blog. And that's how I like it.

**************

New England: 24

Indianapolis: 20

And with that, this football season is a fight for who comes in second. In other words: It's over.

Meanwhile, the Red Sox did the right thing and re-signed Curt Schilling for one last year. I loved the weight clause. He has to stay at a decent weight or lose $333K.

I also love the fact that he negotiated this himself. No agent.

The Sox did the right thing.

************

Okay then, What's up, my friends. How are all of you? Good? Good.

You know what movie holds up today, right now, even though it was made 25 years ago? 48 Hours. I swear, you can shoot this movie right now and it would gross $100 million.

Have we all seen this movie? I mean, it WAS 25 years ago and many of you were too young when it first came out. I mean, even the Great Old Hyatte was still just a little kid wondering why his pee pee was getting hard during Math class for no reason when this flick came out. I know I don't like watching movies that came out before my time.

Okay, let's assume we've all seen it. Why is it one of the greatest movies ever? Here's a nice list:

-It's the first "cop buddy" movie ever.

-It's Eddie Murphy's first movie ever.

-Eddie Murphy has one of the greatest opening scenes in film history. Singing "Roxanne".

-Maybe the role Nick Nolte was put on this planet for.

-Truly psychopathic - truly scary bad guys.

-Eddie. This movie doesn't have one joke in it. It's not a comedy and doesn't have anything intentionally funny in it. So why is it one of the funniest movies of Eddie's career? Because he SOLD that fucking script! He WILLED those lines to be funny. Not just with his voice but with his body language. The shit eating grin placed in just the right spots. When he said, "Come on in and experience some of my bullshit." He was practically breaking the fourth wall and speaking to us.

-Nick Nolte's feathered, blown dry hair.

-Nick Nolte got to chainsmoke through the whole film.

-You will never again get a cop buddy adventure movie where the white cop calls his black partner a "nigger" and "watermelon".

-That goddam station wagon that appears in EVERY driving scene. I noticed this when I was 20 years old.

-The fact that TWO COPS WERE SHOT TO DEATH in the movie and they treated it like business as usual. No funerals, no toasts, no outrage.

-Nolte got to sign out Eddie's prisoner character for a two day furlough WITHOUT PERMISSION and he never got nailed for it.

-Nolte opens the movie leaving his girlfriend all happy and she spends the rest of the movie on the phone arguing with him. Her last scene is telling him to "FUCK OFF" then slamming the phone off. There is NO reconciliation, no happy lovey-dovey ending between them. That would NEVER go down today.

-That also happens to be the realistic scenario. Your wife/girlfriend tells you to fuck yourself then slams down the phone, you KNOW you ain't going home for a good long while.

-The fight scene between Murphy and Nolte. Nolte did it himself... so when you watch the movie, focus on Eddie's obvious stunt double, who looks like a middleweight boxer, by the way.

-Nolte's flask, which he is always sipping from.

-Nolte's police captain blowing a major gasket at them. "YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, CONVICT!!" How that guy didn't have a stroke right there and then is beyond me. Now THAT'S a believable cuss out.

-One of the more violent movies of this genre and yet a surprising little amount of blood. Walter Hill (the director) knew what he was doing.

-"We ain't partners, we ain't brothers and we ain't friends. If Ganz gets away with my money you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!"

-"I'm already sorry."

-Nolte goes to one of Murphy's old partner's place to find info on the bad guy. A little weasel named Luther. Well, Luther takes a shot at Nolte... I mean he fires a gun at him. But when Nolte drags him to the police station and brings him to the desk, he says, "Charge him for resisting arrest, assault... I'll think up some more later." HE SEEMED TO FORGOT THAT LUTHER TRIED TO KILL HIM!!!

-And by the way, no one takes a cooler beating than Luther. I swear, at one point Nolte popped him right in the face.

-Billy Bear's black leather jacker and pants. 20 years ahead of his time.

-Eddie finds a gun and Nolte's too tired to take it away from him.

-And finally... Eddie Murphy's character, fresh out of jail and on his way back in, not only picks up a girl within ten minutes of dancing with her, not only gets to fuck her, but gets HER TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL ROOM!!!! Now THAT is talent.

They made a sequel but the problem with it is that they simply tried to rehash the first one with altered plot elements, but basically the same structure. No good.

What happened to Eddie Murphy? He used to be the funniest motherfucker alive.

The dream would be a 48 Hours deluxe DVD edition complete with Murphy and Nolte doing commentary... or some other sort of stuff like that.

Netflix this fucker if it's been a while. It holds up. Hell, if they threw in some rap as background music you wouldn't tell the age here.

*********

Speaking of black stars, I saw American Gangster over the weekend. Jesus, if you see Denzel Washington's name on the marquee, even if you have no clue what the movie is about... go see it anyway. The man does not know how to pick a bad movie. Incredible work.

**********************

You know, it occurs to me that 5 years ago, NO ONE had ever heard of the spice "chipotle"... now you can't make a fucking bowl of cereal without adding some chipotle. Where did this come from and how did it suddenly become as big as salt?

***************

April Hunter, who hasn't spoken to me in a while and I don't see this changing anytime soon, has retired from wrestling due to serious back problems. So now she's in Louisville, KY training to be a manager. Now this is a girl who never left the Indies, wrestled until her body almost collapsed, and now is trying to STAY in the business by becoming a manager. She'll probably never LEAVE the indies either, but she's still going to try her best to work in the business.

THAT, my friends, is passion. I wish her the best. Nice woman. She actually called me on the telephone a few times. Straight up nice girl.

************

Then there is the black girl whom I think I seduced. Here's the story:

I work with her, okay. Her name is Ham Slow but she likes to be called "Sunshine". She is 25 years old and goes to graduate school part time. She has Angelina Jolie lips, a gorgeous bubble ass, and a clean, white smile. And when she straightens her long, jet black hair, my head goes dizzy.

Anyway, she comes up to me one day last month in a tizzy. She has a college essay due in a week that she can't write. She doesn't have the gift, she doesn't know how to write words together in a compelling, educated way. A lot of people can't communicate through words. Nothing wrong with it.

So she asked me to help her out. The essay in question is a 6-10 page argument over the merits of starting a business from a formulaic approach or an artistic approach. What way works best? What way is best? The student is to include all of the following: marketing, distribution, stocking, location, design, etc... the trick is that they are to pick a side: scientific or artistic, and explain why it's best to manage a business from that side.

And she was stuck... so she went to the big, bald, white guy who is ALWAYS flirting with her. (She never responds other than to giggle and say "Stop it." Which I KNOW is just her being coy and friendly and I KNOW doesn't mean anything. I just do it to amuse myself, mostly.)

So I had some free time and sat at her desk and wrote 8 pages worth. I just imagined someone opening a small soup kitchen that specialized in good size cups people could drink on the way to work or back. I put it in a busy part of a middle class working town so you could deliver mass bowls to nearby businesses at lunch and be a nice alternative to McDonalds and BK and SubWay for the Lanscaping/construction/outdoor town wortkers.

By the way, I never took a business course in my life... I never even sat in a class. This was all from my own personal BRILLIANCE!!

The girl was so shocked with what I wrote... she hugged me. Ham Slow never hugged me in my life, but she LAUNCHED herself at me and squeezed. She showed it to various co-workers and they all agreed it was excellent. She sat in her office and wrote me a long letter thanking me so much for the paper and promising to make me a plate of whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

But the funny thing is... as weeks went by, Ham Slow acted a little different towards me. Her smile got wider, yet shyer at the same time. She started blushing more when we talked. She doesn't make eye contact too much.

Then one day she changed her hair... and I complimented her on it (gushed, in fact, but like I said, I'm just amusing myself now). Later in that day I was sitting at my desk with a few friends and Khaled.

(I'll tell you more about Khaled at a different time, but all you need to know is that he's rich, handsome, well-dressed, and a major poon hound)

Well, we were doing what all guys do during downtime, cracking on each other and accusing each other of being gay. Ham Slow wandered to my desk, just as it was my turn in the gay hole. Khaled (who knows I have a crush on her) asked me if I liked her new hair. I said I already told her it was beautiful. Khaled said, "And Ham Slow, what did you say when he complimented you?"

Ham Slow smiled brightly and started to blush deeply.

Khaled was loving this, "Did you say anything to him after he told you how pretty you were??"

Ham SLow was really blushing, so I stepped in... Captain Chivalry, and said, "Ham Slow, we both know where he's going with this. You better get out of here, baby before it gets any worse."

Ham Slow giggled and walked away. Everyone around us said, "OoooooooooOOOO", and Khaled kicked back and smiled, satisfied.

Later I asked him what exactly that was all about. Because it was obvious he was referencing some sort of HIDDEN MESSAGE/SECRET NOTE with her. "Have you two discussed me without me being around?" I asked. "Discussed my little crush on her?"

-"Of course," he said. "It's obvious you like her."

-Yeah, but I just do it to amuse myself, you know this."

-"Well she has a crush on you too," he said. "I was just trying to hook it up."

Of course, I blew it off and walked out like it was nothing... but inside I was amazed.

My writing, for the first time EVER, won over someone in REAL LIFE.

Now the question is... what do I do about it.

A crush is a crush... it means nothing, really, and Ham Slow is a black girl and she likes her flavor. I'm not sure if she's into vanilla yet. Plus I'm just having fun making her blush and giggly for the moment.

And there are other considerations.

We'll see.

By the way, she got an A on the paper. Hyatte fucking rules.

If you have to comment, do so. But I don't need or want your fucking advice. I'm the one who should be giving YOU advice. Not the other way around.

*********

Okay then. Here's something fun to send you on your way. Ever watch Mythbusters. Fun show on the Discovery Channel where two nerdy queens scientifically test myths and old wive's tales to see whether they are legit or bullshit. Well, on the show there is the prerequisite hot chick... who isn't all THAT hot but hot enough.

Well, to end things I'm putting in this five minute Mythbuster segment that HAS NEVER BEEN TELEVISED that asks the burning question: Do pretty girls fart?

My favorite part is when she loses her shit at the end. Heh... ironic pun... heh.



Over the weekend I'll do more responses

Catching up.

When you're posting mood is as erratic like mine, things tend to logjam up on you.

So there are a lot of comments left over from the past month that I should get to.

And since I really have no essay on the Red Sox that's just DYING to be written, I'll start with some Sox comments and go nuts.

- October 29, 2007 10:59 PM... Bruce said... And how bout them Sox?

Yeah, how about them? My own personal MVP is Schilling. The classic old warrior, stalking the mound with all heart, all experience, and no heat. As a matter of survival, he had to place the ball exactly where he wanted it to go, and he pulled it off, TWICE. The sumbitch looks like he should be selling me Insurance and there he was, old, saggy, wrinkled, gassed... getting it DONE!

He only wants to play one more year, at the same exact salary. I hope the Sox keep him. He can teach some of these kids a thing or two about poise and dignity.

And he's a loudmouth too!

My second MVP is Manny Ramirez. See, we here in New England know Manny is a bit of a goofball, and a lazy outfielder, and he only hits when he wants to. We call this "Manny Being Manny". We just accept it right up until the end of the season, then we start getting fed up with him and start demanding for them to ship his ass off.

(Not just the fans either. You think YOUR city newspapers give your teams a hard time? Let's just say you just ain't a professional sports athlete until you've played in Boston for a couple of years and let our newspapers have a few goes at ya')

But then when its playoff time, Manny REALLY becomes Manny. This is the Manny Ramirez who isn't happy until he's spent 12 minutes up at the plate making the pitcher question the existence of God with his persistence. Behind the count? 2 Strikes on him? Manny will keep nipping your heat foul until you either hiff one towards the dugout, or throw the fucking thing underhanded just to get him off the plate.

Ask any ballplayer... be it baseball, basketball, football, or even Hockey... the playoffs is when they make all their money. Manny knows this.

Plus he's great for team moral. Manny's always smiling, always playing around.

So next year, Manny will start with the World Champion Boston Red Sox, and he'll have a respectable first few months, will slump off over the summer, and will wake up and bring serious pain to pitchers starting next September... and during all this we'll be crying for his trade, Sox GM Theo Epstein will laugh it off and David Ortiz will smile his million watt smile and shrug his shoulders.

Cuz it's just Manny being Manny.

(plus, no other team wants to inherit his monster contract)


-October 30, 2007 2:26 AM... Jesse Baker said... I don't know about the Sox, but I can bet Johnny Damon is probably beating the shit out of himself right now with his baseball bat, for leaving Boston for the Yankees.

Well... no, Damon wanted to stay in Boston. He was offered a contract that wasn't as lucrative as it could've been (more like a tussle of the hair for years of loyal service) and went to the Yankees, who offered him more. Johnny Damon (who I KNEW was going to be a star ever since his rookie days on the Royals) is a lead-off guy. That's young legs running fast. Johnny was getting old and the Sox likes them young. So we wished him well but knew his role for the team was finished.

By the way, Coco Crisp replaced him... whoops.

He's one of the few Yankees who doesn't get booed at Fenway. We give him a nice, respectable cheer. He played a huge part in breaking the curse, and he made a nice replacement, sex symbol-wise, for Nomar.

October 22, 2007 11:20 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, love you, but man do I Fucking Hate the Red Sox. Luckily, most of the nation is coming around to that too. In fact, the Red Sox are approaching Yankees-levels of hatred... especially since now that they've won something, they have nothing to fall back on. It's hard to cheer for the team with the 2nd Highest Payroll, you know? Especially ones with such DOUCHEBAG fans.

Heh...

That's bullshit. Total bullshit.

Payroll doesn't mean much in baseball. The Red Sox won the series on the back of ROOKIES... ROOKIES AND YOUNGSTERS! Dustin Pedrioa... Jacoby Ellsbury... Johnny Papelbon... Julio Lugo. These are all kids!

Who did the Sox face? A team filled with rookies and farm upstarts who rocked the National league on their way to the series. Hell, the Cleveland Indians have 40 year old Kenny Lofton and a whole batch of no-names and they almost wiped the Sox out.

The Yankees, who STILL have the number 1 payroll, haven't seen the inside of a batter's box in October since 2003. They haven't opened a bottle of champagne at the end of October since 2000... and while they have more All-Stars then positions, their farm system is practically non-existent.

Arizona, Detroit, San Francisco, Anaheim, Colorado, The White Sox, Houston, St Louis... all of whom appeared and some even won the World Series (not counting Florida)... all on young no-names with a couple of superstars tossed in for good measure.

And none of them have a player like Derek Jeter... who came up to the plate one day during a league championship series (against the Sox, in 2004, I think) and did a close-mouth sigh that puffed out his cheeks and deflated them, as if he was bored out of his mind. Even Joe Buck had to note: "Just another championship game in the life of Derek Jeter." Yeah, that's why the Yankees sit home in October.

The Sox? All youth with a healthy sprinkle of highly paid vets who were still excited to be there.

Oh, and we still have been playing in the same ballpark for 100 years. And we don't throw batteries at opposing players, we just boo the shit out of them.

Colorado had no clue what they were in for.

-October 22, 2007 9:50 AM... JT said... Congrats on the Sox winning the AL pennant. And congrats on going to your first game 7 anything... Now if you ever get to make a TX - OU football weekend in Dallas, that's an experience like none other.

Oh ugh... I can't possibly make enough time in my life to follow college sports. No thanks.

-October 22, 2007 10:25 AM... folman said... I went to my first playoff game ever last year. Game 7 Mets-Cards. Surreal atmosphere (Endy's catch!), but the heartbreaking loss sucked and the pain was tremendous for a long time. Thanks to your latest post for allowing me to re-live that experience. Now go fuck yourself.

I truly recommend everyone go see at least one championship, all or nothing, either fuck or walk sports game in their lives... NOT SOME DOPEY HIGH SCHOOL HOCKEY GAME EITHER!! Something professional... filled with passion and drama and heartbreak.

It's like "Rocky" in real life.

-October 22, 2007 10:57 AM... Anonymous said... I'm just impressed you got rip-roaring drunk and managed get up by 7:15. Long day is right... blech

Yeah, I don't recommend that. Not when you're looking at the bad side of your thirties. I can do it... like once a month or so... AND get a work out in complete with cardio the next day... but the recovery time is a lot longer and more brutal. Thank Christ I know where and when to grab power naps at work.

Strange thing is... I can have sex for a loooong time and still get up feeling refreshed and rested... and I WORK that action.

-October 29, 2007 9:30 PM... Anonymous said... Did your Ex really write that mop up?

No. But she did proofread.

Early into my Mop-Up career, like the first year, my girlfriend, Amy, recapped the shows in my absense... and in retrospect I probably made her too young and too horny.

Look, I was doing anything and everything I could to make my Mop-Ups must read fare. There were dozens of recappers out there, and I was swimming in the same pool as some real popular guys. And I had no idea if I was being read... plus Al Isaacs wasn't exactly telling me to tone it down (that came later), so this was one giant experimentation to see what I could pull off and what would happen.

So I wrote the Mop-Up as my girlfriend Amy. It was such a hit that I wrote a second one where she and I recapped it as bickering exes (I was going for a Sonny and Cher motif). I designed it so she would OWN my ass during the Raw recap but I would come back strong during the Nitro recap and eventually chase her away.

Plus I got to call her a Tuna Boat... which is always awesome.

My personal, proudest moment is things were so out of hand and dumb that I then brought her current boyfriend, something Latino, to threaten me in Spanish and bitch at me. I was so silly-ass proud of that that he became somewhat recurring.

But no, it all came from my brilliant imagination.

You asked this question twice, I applaud your perserverence.

-October 15, 2007 5:54 PM ... Anonymous said... Reap what you sew (try SOW)? Tug of wart? C'mon Hyatte. If you ever do write that book, you are going to take years off your editor's life..

Oh please, fucko... blogger doesn't offer spellcheck (oh, wait... it does)... well, anyway, who wants to proofread??? Proofreading, like MSN Live Messenger, is for losers and you'll never catch me doing or being on either again. I am an AIM guy. The magic happens on AIM!

-October 15, 2007 12:45 PM ... Eric said...Hyatte, I do believe you mean The Dynamite Kid where you were saying "The British Bulldog". Dynamite is the alcoholic cripple, whom I think you were referencing in that.

They are both boorish, idiotic, arrogant bullies and they are both enjoying the kharma that they've earned. I would not be shocked if one day the Ghosthunters team go to Canada to investigate Davey Boy's old house because it's being haunted by some roided up nitwit and the dog he shot. There is no way DBS got to 'cross over" to Heaven.

And Jason Hawes will kick his ASS

By the way, ECW's Elijiah Burke hung around the Ghosthunter's during their live investigation the other night... and made a damn pussy fool out of himself! He jumped at every single noise, damn near fainted when he saw a shadow figure looking at him, and screamed like a girl when a ghost touched his back! The irony is, I'm sure the ghosts were more scared of him... ain't too many brothers out there visiting haunted Sanitariums.

-October 15, 2007 6:33 PM ... Relevance said... Meh. Hyatte, since your audience is easily in the ~100 mark, (and this is a guess here) let's see it. What do you mean "what is it?" A picture of you, of course. Look, the way I see it, you have been on the blogosphere for the better part of 10 years. You have no real worries that people will pick on you about your looks do you? Ok then, man up- let's see who the hell has been talking to us for all this time.

I'll tell you what... one day in the future I will post a picture of myself for three hours and ONLY three hours at some point during a 5 day period. When exactly? No clue. That'll be a fun scavenger hunt.

-October 31, 2007 2:43 PM ... Anonymous said... Damn right, brother! Souls DO exist. As for me, I'm on semi-casual speaking terms with the ghost of Christ. He's got a message: "I drove nails... fucking NAILS through my wrists and the SCI-FI network is what impresses your ass!?" Moody, that one. But who can blame him?

Actually, Christ didn't drive anything into his wrists. The Jews did. He just screamed a lot.

And that was 2041 years ago, he hasn't done a whole lot since. (Oh man, but you poor Jews paid very dearly for this error. Man alive, you nice folks bet on the WROOOONG pony and it cost you a LOT)

These Ghosthunter guys are just looking for the ones who refuse to cross over, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind finding the doorway to the other place too.

One observation I have is that being a ghost SUCKS! You're just memory and energy, which means you can't make new memories... you don't have a brain, just memories. So if you're a ghost child, even if you wander around for 100 years, you'll never grow up.

Very silly, yes... I'm aware.

November 1, 2007 8:47 AM... Anonymous said... Tammy got Myspace. Quit being pissed at me.

Good for Tammy. She's back in shape because her boyfriend is a Policeman who isn't going to put up with that crack fiend nonsense... and he makes her happy.

A REGULAR guy making a (atonetime)bonafide hottie/minor star happy... SEE HOW THAT WORKS???

I'll quit being "pissed" (not the right word at all) at you when you try harder to keep me happy on a regular basis. Won't take much at all.

Yeah, I'm a pain... but the rewards really, I mean REALLY could outweigh the hassle

Not a single one of you has anything to say on this... keep your silly comments to yourselves!!

- October 31, 2007 6:23 PM... Anonymous said... u should go back to doiwrestling.com where peopel will read your drivel. doi doi doi

Hey everyone, say hello to DOI's web owner, the Dave Scherer of the Indy's... Sean "The MiC"!! Hi Sean! Write me a check and I'll come back as soon as it clears.

And finally...

-October 27, 2007 6:00 AM... Byron said... writing on the internet must be like that one girlfriend from times past. For a while it was exciting and new and each day was better than the last but you still anticipate the next one. The charm novelty challenge wears off, but you still have a good thing going, no reason to stop but also no reason to aspire to new heights. Complacency sets in too much and you try to spice things up. Try something new, it works, but you succeed at that and now that challenge is gone. Do you keep finding more challenges? Now you begin to notice other things in life fulfilling the need this once did. But you are in a routine and obligation to readers and to yourself to prove you can still do it. Eventually you think more and more about those other things in life, all those other women if you will. That feeling of achievement, of looking at a challenge, that of being king of the hill is not coming from other areas of life. You are now seeing other people. You stopped writing, the break up. Now you blog. Sometimes frequently, sometimes infrequently. Whenever you get the urge, or more precisely, whenever those other aspects of life leave you wanting more. When the things you left writing columns for don't fulfill your needs you come back for a sure fix. We're your whores, welcoming you back for that brief fling knowing only you'll be gone in the morning and not when you'd ever be back. You know what to expect from this, even if it is an artificial high now, one you have because you know you are supposed to get it. When all else fails, blog here. Maybe write a column, but make it clear it's not like it used to be. The magic is gone, there will be no strings attached to these affairs. This just dawned on me and maybe its too metaphorical for some but I think you'd get it. I'll still read whatever you put out, but I know the score.

Byron... who've been writing to me for years... and I appreciate the input...

But brother, you spend WAAAAAY too much time wondering what I'm about.

I had this blog for a while, I first used it to put up short stories for select people to read... then I tried to use it as a supplement for my column... then I dropped it very discreetly in the column once or twice and never mentioned it outright.

Soon it just became a personal forum to send hidden messages to someone. I knew people had this bookmarked but never knew how much.

Then I got rid of it. Deleted it outright. Exactly two people asked me what happened.

But then I decided that I SHOULD keep it around just in case. The Internet can be a useful tool and a fantastic way of meeting people from all over the world. It's good to keep a small foothold in it.

Plus I asked you all if I should keep this going. Enough people said "sure"... which is fine. I'm not after a huge audience. People can find me or not, I don't care.

I have a gift, dude. I communicate well. I can write and write in a way that people enjoy. This isn't a 25 year old high school football hero hanging out on the field acting like he's still playing. This is not even a new chapter. It's something I enjoy doing a few times a month and I would STILL be doing it if I just had that one secret admirer reading and no one else.

So do me a favor and spare me the psyche profile. I am more closed off and guarded then anyone realizes. I can't be properly analyzed because I haven't given anyone nearly enough insight.

Jeeze.

Well I've had enough. Back in a few days.