A Blog for May 26, 2010

Yeah, daily blogging isn't going to work, but we all knew that.

So.... hrrm.... serious knowledge afoot. Read and LEARN.

* Do you realize that Lindsay Lohan is on the exact life path that Corey Haim put himself on 25 years ago? So she might actually have a solid 25 years of partying left in her.

* And, if you keep an eye on these things like I do for some stupid fucking reason, you'll see that Britney Spears hasn't improved one bit from her meltdown 2 years ago. Her father still lawfully micromanages her life, she doesn't have custody of her kids, and she very badly wants to run around town at night with no bra, no shoes, and menstration stains on her underwear... but can't because the Judge still thinks she isn't allowed to run her own life. I think that's some sort of awesome.

* I have always had a grand plan for Lost. It involved never watching a single episode. I have accomplished this plan. Go Team Hy-Rate!

* But now that its over, when they put out a grand, whole series DVD set for major $$$$$, I will but it and watch the whole series from show 1 to the very end. THEN I will talk about it. So expect a full series review of Lost 2 years from now. And some of you haterz DARE say I'm irrelevent. HA!!

* So until then, keep your fucking Lost comments to yourselves. I'll delete every wiseass spoiler comment that pops up here courtesy of some anonymous pussy and I PROMISE I'll delete it before reading any giveaway spoiler... which, yes, isn't really a SPOILER spoiler but its a spoiler to me. You won't ruin it for me so don't bother trying.

* Assholes.

* I like Bowersox... the chubby girl with the bad teeth who mamaged to spend all season of American Idol looking like she was just counting the weeks until she won... to win. The other dude, well... he's just like all the OTHER straight, white dudes who won before. The girl is sort'a fresh (for the show, at least) and has the whole female empowerment thing going. Let's hope she doesn't end up opening a yoga studio and vanishing from the American eye, and my heart.

* You know what's great? Eric Bischoff has been making a little noise about bailing out on TNA. How long before Hogan follows suit? Legacy and ego is everything to the Hulkster and being unable to propel a dog wrestling company even one rating point after several months will not stand for him. He'll make a run for it by the end of the summer. Abandon ship, brother!

* Who's Hulk's audience anymore, anyway? The people who got depressed and suicidal watching him lurch around the ring during his last tv match because he can't take a bump or move, really? It's almost as bad as watching Flair wrestle. Sure, Flair can still GO... kind'a... but he just looks so awful doing it.

* THE PROBLEM WITH JOHN CENA IS... the plan is to make him more like Hulk Hogan of the 80's, the superhero who can get run over buy a car, can lift three guys on his shoulder at once, can get tortured... literally, snuff film style tortured by Randy Orton for 30 minutes and never say "I Quit", and always come back for the win. The PROBLEM with this is that Cena doesn't look like a Hulk Hogan cartoon super hero. He looks like an asshole gym rat body builder. There's no magic with that. "Cenanation" will never be "Hulk-A-Mania". And I'm NOT showing my age.

* I'm about finished here, but let me tease you with ehat's coming up. I think you'll like it. Ready?

1) An old school Sean Shannon story that doesn't involve me at all, revisited.

2) And I have found the newest biggest loser douchebag in the IWC.

No, it isn't anyone from 411 mania. Stop trying, faggots.

BIG HITTER-ISMS

I had a boss named Bill who was Italian and a pretty neat guy. He manscaped his eyebrows, worked out like a fiend, had a spray on tan, and wore very expensive suits. He was a good guy, unless he fucked you over with your pay, which he did a lot... but not to me so I still liked him.

The thing with Bill is that he couldn't think faster than he spoke, which led to him saying some very dumb things. Not inappropriate things, just... stupid things. He mixed up and mispronounced his words a LOT.

Well, he had been doing this for a while since before I came to work there, and someone started keeping a list of things he said... and every so often we'd break them out and share a laugh over the List. I have the list in my hands now and thought I'd share a few... and no, you won't be able to gleen what I do for a living by what I have here, so don't bother trying.

"You guys get me jiffed!"

"We gave them everything but the kitchen sink and then some!"

"We have this formula which is down pretty bad!"

"It's more and more now as a playing field."

"Sweat peering off your forehead."

"There's a lot of stake for the managers."

"There's now two ends about it."

"I'm over the whelm."

"He's going to be as bald as a goat... he already has a willow's peak."

"I threw them in there like burnt cattle."

"I could feed a small country with the money you cost me today!"

"5% is an extremely amount of product."

"That thing is a trout."

"I've got the lawyers climbing down my thing."

"In a word... figure it out!"

Love the guy,

And... from my personal photo files... make of this what you want:

Your Daily Blog part 2

Didn't I do something like this a year ago? Then people complained because I kept adding onto the same blog all week and you were all like, "I CAN'T FIND THE NEW STUFF, HYATTE!!! IT'S TOUGH TO FIND THE NEW AMONG THE OLD!!!"

Babies.

* Since we are entering the weekend and weekends are usually very quiet around here, plus I'd like to give more people the opportunity to weigh in about Sasha Grey, The Human Centipede, and WWE's PG stuff, I'll only make a few random shots, and then give you something fun to read.

* You got to give Vince Russo some credit for consistency. For years and years, forever really, he's written... BOOKED (ooo, carny talk), his women performers as if he hates them. You could make a case that he DOES hate women, given the way he's presented them on TV as little more than boy toy sluts without a brain in their head.

My case, and I think I made this before, is that Russo doesn't hate women at all, he just has little to no respect for his wrestling audience. He thinks we are all lonely, parent-basement dwelling losers who resent and hate women for rejecting us... because who would date a wrestling fan?

Basically, he writes women because he figures the audience wants to see them as Abyss's sex slave, or snobby, cocky bitches who deserve a good spanking on their high toned ass. He has no respect for his audience. Probably hates them, in fact.

* And he isn't without justification. Have you actually LOOKED at a wrestling crowd?

* And how about that guy who phoned in bomb threats and promises of murder sprees several times to WWE headquarters because they shitcanned Mickey James... and when the WWE traced the guy's cell phone, and had him charged, and he faced the Judge and explained that he wasn't serious, just voicing a displeasure in the douchiest way possible, the judge banned him from having any contact with professional wrestlers... and FORBADE him from attending a show again, the guy gawked at the Judge, gawked at his lawyer, and said, "I can't go to wrestling shows anymore??"

So... I'm thinking Russo is onto something.

* Speaking of uptight bitches, I recently plowed through all my DVDs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (that would be seasons 2-7) and you notice soemthing about the Extras in all of them. Buffy is nowhere to be found. Sarah Michelle Geller isn't on one episode commentary track, isn't anywhere near any season's blooper reel, is NEVER featured on any DVD production feature, never is interviewed, is never seen talking about the show. IS NOT ON ANYTHING BUT THE SHOWS THEMSELVES!! AND ITS HER FUCKING SHOW!!!

And when there IS a commentray track for any episode, they speak of her very carefully with the usual, "Sarah's great in this scene", or "She did some great work here." But that's it. No insight, no comments about hanging out with her. Nothing.

Watch these DVds with this in mind and you get the sense that Sarah was a high end C-word for all 7 seasons. Possibly why we haven't seen all that much of the girl after the show ended.

* And to the dude who asked, no Eric S is not in my loop and he really never was. The only person in my loop ignores my emails and generally disappears for weeks at a time. Oh, and Flea.

* Back to wrestling, with the rather disquieting return of Virgil for a (Christ I HOPE) quick run on WWE TV, I've read people say that he is pretty much The Wrestler in real life. I disagree. If you pay attention and see what's up, you'd clearly see that the real life, TRUE version of Randy the Ram is none other than Tammy Sytch.

Coming second is Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, who almost made me cry when that You Tube video of him showing up at a Backyard Wrestling "show" and looking completely disgusted about being there. Why can't they all just slip into some loveless marriage with a rich construction company owner and be set for life. Love is overrated anyway.

Okay, sow for the new segment. I had a boss named Bill who was Italian and a pretty neat guy. He manscaped his eyebrows, worked out like a fiend, had a spray on tan, and wore very expensive suits. He was a good guy, unless he fucked you over with your pay, which he did a lot... but not to me so I still liked him.

The thing with Bill is that he couldn't think faster than he spoke, which led to him saying some very dumb things. Not inappropriate things, just... stupid things. He mixed up and mispronounced his words a LOT.

Well, he had been doing this for a while since before I came to work there, and someone started keeping a list of things he said... and every so often we'd break them out and share a laugh over the List. I have the list in my hands now and thought I'd share a few... and no, you won't be able to gleen what I do for a living by what I have here, so don't bother trying.

So, with the set-up nicely set-up, I present to you:

BIG HITTER-ISMS

"I misunderestimated."

"Gross slowly dropping substantially."

"Take taxes into configuration."

"We must do 20% of last year."

"This place is an apostrophe."

"Tooting your own feather."

"Brett can't structure a fish."

"I've been baking my case for a month."

"I'm gonna be breathing down their throats."

"It starts at the top and goes up from there."

And that's JUST A TASTE!! I plan on stringing this out for a while.

Actual stuff he said, for real, not making this up.

Okay, so for the weekend, from my own personal picture files, make of this what you will:



Amen brother... amen.

Your Daily Blog: part 1

Yes, you read the title right. We'll try it.

Earlier today yesterday:

Oh yes, please thrill us by talking about the weather in Rhode Island, Rhianna, and the Scotsman.

Tickle our fancy by reporting on how fat Mariah Carey has gotten. Way to know your audience.

Or please, make jokes about the last guy you fucked on cyberspace. You know, you crack jokes about it enough, it starts to ring true.

Problem for you is, that is the very first time I've ever made a joke about cyberfucking some dude. So I guess there's no danger of it ringing true.

Choose your cliches more wisely, stupid.

And I know my audience, you don't. You expect me to know what YOU want because you don't speak for everyone. But I know what you want. And, as I said hundreds of times over the last three years... you ain't going to get it.

So why are you still reading this?

I'm Chris and 3 years after I wrote my last column, I still get haters here. That's talent.

Rhode Island weather has been seasonal and nice. Rhianna dresses like a nice girl who has a lot of record execs/managers who want her to slut it up. And the only people who care about what I think about the Scotsman are his message board bitches just looking to start crap.

And Mariah Carey is so far gone down the rabbit hole of celebrity that she has no earthly idea as to how to relate to anyone anymore. She just has no clue what's happening in the world today.

I've been gone for a while just working, playing, and actually writing stuff. I've also been wondering why should I start texting people when they are doing just fine ignoring my emails. I'd rather not blow money sending a text that won't be answered when there's free email that can be ignored just as well.

This is the way I will do things this evening... random stuff. Such as...

* If you've seen the movie The Human Centipede, I want a review... right here, as soon as you can. This movie freaked me out... AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT. I need a first hand opinion. It's sitting there, on my In Demand movie selection, just waiting to be clicked and paid for, and I can't... it's too pervy for me and I'm not about to have the girl over to see it. She might never let me sit on her face again if I did.

* So, whoever gave away the entire Survivor elimination list last month, including the exact results of the LIVE VOTE that the producers really keep a tight lid on... jokes on you, dickface. The joy of this year's Survivor wasn't who got cut each week, but how they played the game right up until the votes were written. I didn't lose a single moment of pleasure because of your dick move.

* And clearly, since there is no way this tightly guarded show couldn't be spoiled by some nobody, someone who works on the show was busy googling the show or cast members one boring night, found this blog, and decided to spoil it all. Nice going. Show still rocks. Maybe it was the same producer who might have killed his wife?? Cool.

* I think this blog will outlast Justin Bieber's career. Anyone care to bet against?

* This is Sasha Grey. She is a porn star who does some really gnarly shit on camera. She is also a star of a mainstream Steven Soderberg film, a spokesgirl for PETA, and about to have a featured, long running guest star role on Entourage. Basically, she is about as breakout a star as the porn world will ever produce. And I have no idea why.














* I will no longer date black women because of Jerry Springer. Every time black women fight on his show, their lovely weaves get yanked out and then we get wild nappy hair sticking out in all directions. And then I realized why they never let me pull their hair. And I'm eternally thankful for this too. It would just... kill my erection.

* The end of Iron Man 2, I mean the REAL end, after the credits, is a glimpse of Thor's hammer in the desert. Nothing to it at all. There, I just saved you the pain of sitting through the credits like a mook while an usher sweeps every row but yours and shoots you impatient looks.

* The problem with NXT is the very basis of the show is bullshit. What's the appeal of watching rookies fight for a job when the fucking company has the whole thing scripted out from day one? You can't do a reality elimination show without the REALITY!!

* The problem with the WWE's PG direction is that it worked on Saturday mornings when kids (like me) were up and just watched cartoons all morning and were ready for some Hulk-a-Mania antics. It doesn't work on Monday nights when it runs way past every kids bedtime... that keeps the ratings down into the 3's because TiVos aren't counted.

* Oh, and the other problem is kids like UFC, and Dana White is very sneaky about marketing the company like the WWE for grownups... which kids follow anyway.

Parts 2, 3, 4, 5, etc will go down on a nightly basis every day until I get sick of it.

A heartbeat... a pulse

Hi. I'll have something here on Wednesday.

Lots to say.

Oh, and that's ON Wednesday, not BY Wednesday, you tools.