Early birds get the 5 inch worms

Okay. Why not.

I think the lesson we all learned here is that I must never do a 50 question blog again. You all yawned through it... probably around the half-way point and I kept looking at it and saying, "Yeesh, I'm such an asshole." Shorter blogs must be the norm now.

Let's face it, this is just a column, like all the other columns I've written over the years, which brings you guys over here anyway.

And let's face it (2), I got out of the free column writing business for a reason.

But this isn't me whining like an altar boy about how the cross gives my ass splinters. I'm just lazy, and busy, and insecure. Yes. I said it. Fuck you.

PRICK ME, DO I NOT BLEED??? I AM A HUMAN!!

I had an interesting month. Lost two friends, both of whom are reading this now and yes... I probably mean you. Gained a new one, and saw my father for the first time in 12 years. He's happier now. Married the right woman this time around. The first time he didn't marry the right woman and yer ol' buddy Hy-rate was the one who had to pick up the pieces. It's a tale of woe... but I'm too old to hold grudges on nostalgia acts. The guy now looks like the old dude from Reservoir Dogs. His second wife is a genuininely sweet lady who completely raves about him. There's no harm in reconnecting.

He's also looking at less days ahead than behind. Not that he's on his death bed, but diabetes is starting to take its toll.

Basically, he had to get away from his first family to find his joy. I can understand this.

This is me spouting off and unleashing a bit. I will delete any comment saying "good fer you, Hyatte". All I'm doing is taking dinner with my old man once a month or so. It won't change who I am or what I think.

This blog... this... goddam blog... I know how it is. You click on every day, see that I left you nothing new, get bummed out for half-a-second, then click to some other nonsense. It's like checking your in-box for a new email, from someone in particular, and finding it empty... day after day, week after week... drives you crazy, doesn't it? Why is he doing this, you ask. Can't he see that I want to hear from him, I need some Hyatte to put a smile on my face? HAVEN'T I SHOWN HIM HOW MUCH I CARE?? WHY CAN'T HE MAKE AN EFFORT TO KEEP THIS GOING???

Well folks, its because I'm getting nothing out of this, but doing most of the heavy lifting. Your in-box will fill up daily when mine does. And if mine doesn't, I'll just assume you can't be bothered. You don't have to run away, I'm not chasing you.

Somewhere in there is a sweet analogy.

Sigh...

Anyway, as I break another vow I made long ago, let's end this quickie with some random thoughts:

-Iron Man is NOT the greatest comic book movie ever made, just Superman wasn't in 1978 (I think, fact checking is for suckers), Batman wasn't in 1988 (although it kind of was), Batman Begins isn't either (maybe it is), and neither Spider Man nor Spider Man 2
is. (Spider Man 2 was ruined thanks to Tobey Maquire's obvious demands for as many unmasked close-ups as he could get.

Amost every comic book movie that comes out, at least the A-List ones (Daredevil, Ghost Rider and the Fantastic Four films are firmly snuggled in the B-List pile) follows the same formula: introduction, creation, experimentation, first fight, improvement, dramatic personal conflicts, final fight, coda which sets up a second film. All of them follow this to the letter... and every time an A-List movie comes out that doesn't fuck with the comic book history too much, the fan boys CREAM themselves over it.

What makes Iron Man a bit better than most isn't because of the story. The story follws the cliche comic book structure exactly... it's the ACTORS!!

Robert Downey Jr, Jeff Bridges, and Gwyneth Paltrow made this movie... and its a sure fire look into what happens when PROFESSIONALS are on the job. They just make everything feel a little bit better.

The X-Men franchise is in a class by itself... incidentally.

-The greatest super hero movie of all time is Rocky, followed by its sequel, the TREMENDOUS Rocky III, the stupid but fun Rocky 4, and the excellent Rocky Balboa. Rocky 5 is a tragedy.

-My morning radio now consists of listening to Opie and Anthony for the 35 minutes it takes me to go to work. This is why I'm not jumping all over your demands for me to go on and on about Stern.

-I haven't seen it yet, but my theory is that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull kind of sucks but no one has the balls to say it outright.

-CM Punk is the new Jeff Hardy. Loved by most fans but all management sees is a basket case.

-Not that I'm gay or anything, but Triple H has a great ass.

-Its been almost a year, and I STILL get the giggles whenever I think of Chris Benoit getting in one last work-out before hanging himself in his own gym. "As soon as I squat 650 I am OUTTAHERE!"

-Some couples go to church to keep their marriage going, others go bowling, others start a garden, still others start a business. But there is one couple I know who keep their marriage going by building new homes! One after the other! Crazy.

-In the past year, I've been blown away by the amount of free porn there is online! My problem is that I like specific girls... Janine, Cassidey, Britney Skye, and Aurora Snow currently... so I'm stuck getting what scraps I'm fed without paying for subscriptions.

-It'll be a while, but you'll be back... we both know this.

-Of COURSE God exists... Jesus, look at us, we are the perfect machines with nary a single scrap in us that doesn't serve a purpose. Nature couldn't have created something like a human being... we are too efficient.

-That said, I refuse to wonder if the ant I just squashed has a soul and went to ant heaven. We aren't meant to understand stuff like this.

-I also wonder if God gets annoyed when we talk to him only when we need something, and ignore him when alls good.

-My Summer CD line-up for my car's ten disc changer is as followed: Eminem's first CD, The White Stripes last album, disc three of the Rolling Stones "Hot Rocks" compilation, (featuring "Gimme Shelter", "Sympathy for the Devil", "Jumpin' Jack Flash", "You Can't Always Get What You Want", and a bunch of other faves), Best of Rob Zombie, Disc four of "Frank Sinatra: The reprise recordings", "Garbage 2.0", Jay Z's "Black Album" (that has a 70's funk vibe that I was not expecting), U2's "Actung Baby", Rhianna's "Good Girl Gone Bad" (because I REFUSE TO GIVE UP THE GHOST!!! SORRY!!!!) and another Eminem Cd... the one where he talks about all his imitators... which, heh, doesn't exactly narrow down the list, does it. Ha!

-I WAS going to through in some Van Halen but I kept having images of the movie Billy Madison where Sandler pulls up to the high school on his first day with Billy Squier blaring and a Night Ranger t-shirt on. I just can't go there. Not yet.

-Finally, I have this habit of pissing out of my window late at night because the bathroom is just so far away... There is a shrub directly below me that has a center that is devoid of greenery. I find this hilarious... and pathetic all at once. My goal is to hit the sidewalk one day... but I badly need some core work to pull this off... or a girlfriend to make me go to the toilet no matter how fucking far it is.

STEADY STREAM, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! HYATTE'S PISS IS AS POWERFUL AS IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!!

And here's a nice, if not blurry You Tube video to get all of you off your ass and PUMPED!!!

(and keep an eye on the black kid with the pimp hat who follows him at the beginning, then vanishes. The cops must've showed up!)



You think the kid in the football shirt is all growed up now and sits in bars trying to squish free beers by convincing people that that was him?

I remember being so pumped after this movie I RAN HOME LIKE ROCKY RAN THROUGH PHILLY!!!!

I got about an 8th of a mile before collapsing on someone's front lawn. I walked home and pigged out of Doritos and ice cream. The ice cream was "Rocky Road"... that was a good enough homage.

May I finish?

Let's just take the rest of the month off.

On June 1st I will have a nice blog for you. And for me. Mostly for me, actually.

What should I talk about? You tell me.

Oh me, Oh May

Hiya,

When I feel like doing another blog, I will do one. None of you did anything wrong here but... I'm a non-blog guy doing a blog. This isn't a natural fit for me.

Comments are off. I don't want to hear it. Just sit there and wait.

Day or two... or 10. Or bye.