How cool is this blog?
Someone put a Kafka short story in the comments section. THAT'S how cool it is.
Who would drop this on me? Who would make such an effort? I thou... oh no, I'd better not finish this sentence. Moving on...
So then, all in all, I always thought Halloween was a pretty lame-o piece of business.
Great time to get lots of anonymous sex, however. The whole costume thing. Disguise + intoxication = do me on the bathroom sink and make it quick!
It's almost like the 70's again. Or so I've heard. By the time I had any ability to stick Captain Happy into something female, we were well into the 80's and everyone was worrying about that homo disease that started in San Fran and was cruising it's way across the country. I had to get all my action in the 90's.
Man, from 88-97 I was a fucking bandito too.
Then... I got tired I guess, or old, or lazy. Things leveled off. These days, I don't go looking, but if opportunties present themselves, etc... etc...
No Halloween parties this year for me.
Oh, but when Halloween was cool for a kid like me. Pretty much every kid I knew, and tons of kids I didn't know... let's face it, every boy in the whole country, dressed up as Rambo.
And really, all you needed was a tank top, some grease on your face, a fake gun, and that fucking bandanna tied sideways around your head so the two tails dangled over your ear.
Or Randy Savage. Lots of boys back then like the Macho Man. Hogan... not so much.
So, this being Halloween, let's discuss the supernatural.
Ghost Hunters is a show on Sci-Fi which is so successful that the channel devotes an entire evening to it. Every Wednesday you get 5 shows, with one of them being brand new.
The premise is simple: You have a haunting, strange things are happening, doors are opening, footsteps are creaking the floors above you, voices giggle in the other room, you feel like you're being watched, and sometimes you see apparitions walk around. Whether you're a home owner or you're running a historical tourist attraction, or you work at a Hotel. You give Ghost Hunters a call and they come. All the way from Rhode Island, they'll go ANYWHERE.
How they get out of their day jobs all the time to do this is beyond me. See, this is all VOLUNTEER work. Free labor. I assume Sci-Fi pays them a nifty sum, but it can't be much. Almost basic cable can't afford much.
What these guys do is spend all night at this hauted place, with all the lights out, with tape recorders and digital video cameras and other fancy stuff and try to record some ghostly stuff.
However, what they REALLY try to do is debunk the stuff people tell them about. If people are seeing spooky lights dance across the room, they check the windows and see what happens when a car passes by at night. Their big debunk is whenever someone is whining about being watched and feeling paranoid, they go looking around for electrical outlets and fuse boxes. If the wiring is fucked up, it can send electro-magnetic waves which causes paranoid and a general freakout. It can also make your dick about 2 inches long forever... which, if you have that, you're better off being a ghost.
Anywhoo, the show is AWESOME... and don't give me any bullshit about how it's all an act... all smoke and mirrors. What's the point? To turn a profit? Well, okay... sure... but to attempt to create an elaborate facade in a world where most of the audience are thinking they are bullshitting them anyway. Just seems grounds for major legal hassles.
Besides... ghosts are real.
Back in those "AIDS = sew the vags shut" 80's, I had problems getting up for school. Probably because I always fell to sleep late... probably because I took naps during the day after school... why? Ask my old prick father.
So one morning my alarm was blaring and I was slamming the snooze button and not having any intention of getting out of bed when all of tyhe sudden, my Mother started shaking me awake. Strong shove too. The woman had been fed up with me being so late for school all the time. Not that she was up making me a nice breakfast, or anything... heaven fucking forbid...
So she shook me awake, but I didn't get up. A few minutes later, she shook me AGAIN!! This time, she was JERKING ME... it was like seizure time or something. Finally, I shouted, "ALRIGHT MA!! I'M UP!!"
"Good for you," she said... across the hall, in her room.
I was up in a flash. "Ma?"
"What?"
"Didn't you just come in here and shake me awake?"
"No."
"Well then who did?"
"No one."
Oh.
Yes, someone did. It took me a day or two to process this, and to latch onto one little detail that I had missed as I was being shook... but as I sit here today, some 21 years later, I can tell you in all honesty...
... that I didn't feel any hands on me that morning.
I never had an experience like this again... and I'm not an epileptic. I was violently shook awake one morning... TWICE.
So yeah, there are ghosts. ANd the Ghost Hunters sometimes catches glimpses of them... shadows far away walk by, voices speak into the microphones. Every so often someone is shoved. My favorite episode was when they were in Ireland checking out a castle... or something and apparently these Ireland ghosts, called Wraiths, are nasty little arses...
Well, one of the Ghost Hunters had an Irish Demonologist with him, and he was pointing his camera down a dark hall while standing in an open doorway. He was shooting a shadow. And the shadow was getting larger.
"Dude," said Brian, the Ghost hunter, "The shadow is coming closer!"
"It's getting bigger, Brian," said the Irish Demonologist. "It's getting ready to attack. Better shut the door."
"It's coming! Whoa, this is awesome."
"It's getting ready to do something. Shut the door, Brian. NOW!"
Brian shut the door. "These things aren't something to toy with," said the Demonologist.
Yeah well, after the investigation, when they pour over the tapes... turns out that scary demon shadow was just Brian the Ghosthunter and the TV camera-light.
I had a good laugh at that one.
But what I really like about Ghost Hunters is that they are showing us ghosts... beings of energy with memories of when they were flesh.
Souls.
And if souls are legit... and if some of them don't "cross over"... then others do.
Ghost Hunters... you can call it cheesy, and dopey, and silly, and gay... but every Wednesday night they come on TV and show us that we just don't go dark after death. We aren't just our bodies. We have more and it goes somewhere after we perish.
I'm sure they know it, and I'm also sure they have no intention of EVER bringing it up (it's a messy topic at best), but these Ghost Hunters are not only showing us that ghosts exist, but they are also telling us that some spirits are INhuman... Demons.
In fact, they often refer to how messing with the Occult can sometimes bring forth evil demon spirits... stay away from those Ouji boards too, they'll say.
And that's why I love this show... you get ghosts, you get demons... and if you have demons you have to have a place where demons come from. That would be hell.
And if you have hell...
I love this show. They aren't chasing ghosts. They are looking for God.
And they've come damn close.
In two days I come back with nothing but answering comments.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Blogging machine be I
Quick little note here. How we all doing?
I have a lot of new stuff to cover. Questions answered, opinions weighed, secrets revealed, all the stuff that keeps you clicking over every other day or so.
So much so that I'll be doing a bunch of scattershot updates all week, so keep clicking.
I'll talk about ghosts, tv shows, wrestling, how much pussy I'm not getting, and how I can tell when I'm not wanted.
And just to show that I am pretty much done with wrestling, I recently cancelled my subscription to WWE 24/7 In Demand. I'll get into why this week too.
Oh, and she is pissed at me, BIG TIME. I didn't even think I was capable of pissing her off. She must care for me or something.
I have a lot of new stuff to cover. Questions answered, opinions weighed, secrets revealed, all the stuff that keeps you clicking over every other day or so.
So much so that I'll be doing a bunch of scattershot updates all week, so keep clicking.
I'll talk about ghosts, tv shows, wrestling, how much pussy I'm not getting, and how I can tell when I'm not wanted.
And just to show that I am pretty much done with wrestling, I recently cancelled my subscription to WWE 24/7 In Demand. I'll get into why this week too.
Oh, and she is pissed at me, BIG TIME. I didn't even think I was capable of pissing her off. She must care for me or something.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Short note to start a long day.
Isn't it annoying, coming here looking for new pearls, and seeing no updates?
I happened to catch the Red Sox win the league pennant LIVE from Fenway Park. Someone from work had an extra ticket and blah blah blah....
So I got to see my first live Game 7 anything, and I got to get filthy drunk and try to start a riot in downtown Boston, and I got lost trying to get OUT OF downtown Boston....
and I almost got laid. Almost, but I decided to stay loyal for the moment, despite a dry and empty inbox and a general overall bitchiness.
Great game too. Amazing experience.
I happened to catch the Red Sox win the league pennant LIVE from Fenway Park. Someone from work had an extra ticket and blah blah blah....
So I got to see my first live Game 7 anything, and I got to get filthy drunk and try to start a riot in downtown Boston, and I got lost trying to get OUT OF downtown Boston....
and I almost got laid. Almost, but I decided to stay loyal for the moment, despite a dry and empty inbox and a general overall bitchiness.
Great game too. Amazing experience.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Bits and Pieces
Trish Stratus made a rare online appearence on Saturday evening. We ended up bullshitting for a couple of hours and probably had one of our best times since she got married (shoot). I know she was having a blast simply because she lasted two hours with me when she usually bails after about an hour.
It's strange, but she really loosens up with me and says some pretty funny, raw things. Plus we have, like, a 5 year "friendship" going so we can talk about things she can't talk about with the average jerk online. I scored a level of trust with her that not everyone gets, I don't think.
She's doing well.
Is she the real deal, or am I being conned by a fake? Lot of people use to announce, "Hyatte's being duped by a fake!!" quite frequently around this time last year. They have no way of proving it, they JUST KNOW!
People are fucking retarded sometimes.
I DO have proof I chat with the real deal. I just never had any reason to display it. It would break her trust and for what? To show up some message board asshole? Fuck them.
She reads this so say hello to her in the comments section.
Our chat was so cool I printed it and framed all 12 pages worth. I plan on selling them one page at a time on Ebay. I figure the page where she admits to spending twenty minutes a day in front of a mirror admiring her tits will make me rich.
**********
I napped through parts of Bound For Glory, which pisses me off because I wanted to watch it, but I had a few becks in me and the fucking eyelids just kept closing. It's funny, Kurt Angle is the one wrestler alive who DOES NOT NEED a lot of booking to have great matches, yet Russo seems to use Angle to unleash the worst aspectds of his booking skills. Kurt was pulling out one of the greatest matches out of Sting in years and the last 5 minutes of the match was nothing but clusterfuckery. Hell, it turned into the Nash show!
But on the whole, I blew $30 on it... because I'm SO FUCKING TIRED at night, especially with a few beers in me. Bad move by Hi-Rate.
I should order the ROH PPV, just to see what all the fuss is about... but god dammit, I DON'T WANT TO!!
*************
New England Patriots: 48
Dallas Cowboys: 27
The Patriots are so good, they may ruin football for the year. Who's going to invest much emotion in their teams when they know no one can get by the Pats?
Meanwhile, Cleveland is going to make the Red Sox fight for seven games. Saturday's game proved that one way of beating the Sox is to last past their closer, because the Sox bullpen after the tenth inning is the absolute shits.
I don't know why so many people bitch about baseball being lame because the teams with the most money get the best players. It seems to me that the clubs who have the BEST TEAM PLAYERS always seem to end up winning the whole magilla.
The damn Yankees haven't sniffed a World Series game in YEARS. The Red Sox won the whole thing three years ago but that was all.
In two weeks, the Boston Celtics take the floor with Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen joining Paul Pierce. It's funny to see Boston fans suddenly re-appear now that we seem to have an actual team show up on the floor. These fans seemed to have vanished right around the time Larry Bird retired.
To me, I won't care about the Celtics anymore until the go back to starting 3 white guys. Even in the 80's this was a hilarious, out-of place visual.
And so ends my part on New England sports.
*******
As I write this, actually, as I wrote the part about the Celtics, I'm listening to Bruce Mitchell and Wade Keller discuss wrestling and Bruce is telling a story about how Davey Boy Smith once took a gun and killed Matilda because she was barking too much. He did this in front of family at his home.
You know, I've been hearing stories about Davey Boy Smith and the British Bulldog and how they were two giant assholes who killed poor dogs and who believed that the meaner the rib, the better and have come to the conclusion that they both deserve to be wherever they are right now. Davey Boy deserves to be dead and I'm GLAD the Bulldog is a broke-ass cripple.
Reap what you motherucking sew.
Anyone who kills dogs deserves to get battery acid injected directly into their bowels
*********
I'm not talking about TV this blog.
******
You know... that motherfucking Rick Scaia has outlasted almost EVERYONE. The good news is I seriously doubt that anyone actually visits his site. Like me, he is sermonzing a roomfull of mostly empty seats. Unlike me he doesn't seem to know this.
Someone remind me to lay down the full story of the girl I sent to seduce him online. Tanya. She was a trip. I pretty much destroyed her heart. She has since recovered.
**********
One of my concerns with doing this blog is that I'm not exactly bringing on the funny.
********
You know, I always prided myself with never doing a "random thoughts" cheap ass lazy column... so why do I feel like I'm now reduced to doing a "random thoughts" cheap ass lazy blog? Fuck.
******
Here's a story from real life: A few weeks ago, at work, I promised to buy this girl a iced latte and bagged out. In her mind, this meant I owed her money.
Her name is Sarah, she's 18 year old, bisexual (but I think it's just a phase), and skinny as a rail. She's also a big time red head. I mean the whole pale white skin, ginger kid sort of red head. Really cute with a nifty sarcastic side.
Anyway, so she thought I owed her money, and, for some reason, I was talking to a bunch of people and a dollar bill happened to be in my hand. Well, from behind Sarah snuck up and grabbed the dollar from me. However, because I am a MAN and NOT a fag and have this brute, massive strength, I held on and for about three minutes, Sarah and I wrestled over a dollar bill.
No, we weren't rolling on the floor, I mean we were both fighting to get the dollar.
Yes, I said three minutes. Yes, it WAS three minutes.
This girl, this 110 pound 18 year old girl, she fucking FOUGHT for that dollar... and she fought WELL. At one point, she dug her thumbnail in my finger and I groaned. Little fucker hurt.
Now I have two points I want to make, the first is that Sarah taught me that girls can be just as tough, just as fierce as guys and I now truly believe that girls are NOT the weaker sex and COULD, with the right amount of confidence, CAN kick the shit out of men on a regular basis. This shit about girls being the weaker sex physically... all a myth. The only reason they aren't kicking our ass on a regualr basis is that most of them are too psyched out by the notion that men are supposed to be stronger. Popular conception, since time out of mind, is that men are the strong breadwinners and women are the nest building babymakers.
Sarah, this skinny, young, bony 18 year old could possibly kick my ass.
And I am NOT some small little skinny effeminate homo.
So I saw that this tug of wart would get serious if I didn't relent, so I let go of the dollar. She won! She got the dollar.
Which leads me to my next point. What Sara did, after winning the dollar in a physical match with me, she stood there and held the dollar in two hands and stared at it, as if authenticating that it was a real dollar.
So, quick as a whip, I reached over and snapped it out of her hands and pocketed it quick. Everyone laughed. She punched me a few times and tried to kick my nads. She ALMOST went for the dollar in my pocket but she didn't want her hand anywhere near my unit.
My second point is that while girls CAN be just as bad ass tough as guys, they don;t think three dimensionally. If a guy won the dollar fight, he would've made sure I was far away before inspecting his won booty. He wouldn't stand there immediately after the war and hold the thing like it was over and he won and I would be breaking the rules if I grabbed it again.
You girls need to think that the fight ain't over until it's OVER... you have to fight smarter. Think things through. And remember the golden rule... when it comes to fighting over something, it's not over until everyone goes home and the ring is emptied.
Sarah's a nice kid. We watch Survivor together when things are quiet at work. I crack her up. I like to pretend to be in heat over her and she throws things at me like staplers and coke bottles. She also says she isn't into me yet is always visiting me and hanging out.
*********
I'm currently reading Stephen King's Needful Things again. It had been years. My favorite part is when the lady is holding a picture of Elvis and she is swept to a hallucination where Elvis brings her on-stage during a concert and they start making out and the evil shopkeeper watches as she has a full orgasm in front of him. Then he tells her to suck his wang... ("Gobble my crank" was the exact phrase.) Great piece of twisted writing their.
I am trying to get through Lisey's Story but it's not grabbing me.
I need to so a full review of King's work again soon.
I also tore through Robert Parker's Hundred Dollar Baby in about two days. This book, and Parker, has a direct influence on the book I'm writing (about ten days away from breaking page 300). This is a clue.
*********
The other day I NEARLY seduced a black chick with something I wrote. This is real life I'm talking about. It's a great story. I'll tell it when I have time.
*********
I also plan on talking about Ghosthunters soon. It's my favorite show currently.
**********
I can't fucking believe I blew $30 on a TNA PPV and it was one of the best ones they've done and I slept through 70% of the fucking thing.
***********
- October 10, 2007 6:53 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Why did DOI shut down?
They didn't. It's right here
The dude kept the archives on the front page too.
- October 7, 2007 11:46 PM... BFH said: Go vegan .;)
Wade Keller,on his VIP message board, has taken to bragging about being a vegan and how healthy he is and spends quality time preaching about how bad Taco Bell is.
Meanwhile, Keller once had a sore throat and kept him in bed and caused his Torch newsletter to skip a week. And Keller gets sick more than anyone else I've heard of.
Keller once said that he likjes pizza places that make "special" pizza, with no meat or cheese. You know what they call pizza with no meat OR cheese? The Deluxe "What Moron Comes to a Pizza Joint When They Don't Want Meat Or Cheese?"
I'm really tempted to take a trip to Minnesota, hunt down Wade Keller, find him, jack off in my hand, and throw my semen at him.
Somehow, I doubt this would be a new experience for Mr. Keller.
- October 11, 2007 8:27 AM... Anonymous said: what do u think of the Van Halen reunion?
I think David Lee Roth isn't embarassing himself and his voice sounds great! I think they will make tens of millions from this tour and I really hope they put it on HBO or at least a DVD. I also think their concerts are filled with guys my age dressed like they're still in high school. I think I discussed this in one of my early blogs which you can access by clicking the archives <---------- right over to the left.
I also think that poor Sammy Hagar will never understand that Van Halen fans will ALWAYS prefer Roth to him simply because Roth knew how to write the coolest, dumbest lyrics ever. Sammy Hagar wrote the words to "Poundcake" and "Black and Blue" and left NO DOUBT that he was talking about fucking some broad. Roth writes "Panama" and it LOOKS like he's talking about fucking some broad but he's really talking about a cool car. That's the point. Dave is a fun songwriter. Hagar beats you over the head with what he's singing about.
Who writes "U"when asking a question? I mean, is typing "Y" and "O" just too friggin' strenuous??
- October 12, 2007 10:37 PM ... eithinan said... First of all I want to say how big of a fan I am and I have been for over adecade. Do you know when this Scooter Keith guy started doing "rants"? Because around '97 I was doing "E's Monday Nitro Rant" and "E's Raw Rant" which were highly detailed reviews of the shows including play by play and even quoting the shows. I was published on a few email newsletters then lost interest in it after a year or so. I guess my question is, Is Scott Keith someone who may have stolen the format I used, including the times for the matches, or was there a possible similarity in ideas?
I believe Scooter started calling his show reviews (which aren't really detailed) "Rants" in the early 90's, when the Internet was nothing but RSPW... which I think was like a message board which was e-mailed to you, I think... I didn't get a computer until 1996.
If anything, Dennis Miller should sue BOTH your asses.
Did Scooter steal from you? I dunno, maybe, anything's possible.
Funny thing about Scooter is that I have never seen someone take himself so seriously than he does. he truly thinks he is re-inventing the wheel here.
Sad thing about Scooter is that whenever guys like Meltzer or Mitchell or some of the more popular message boards like wrestling classics talk about upcoming books about Benoit, no one EVER mentions the book Scooter is writing.
He really gets shunned from anything that might make him look credible.
- October 13, 2007 12:12 AM ... Dan said... Your comment about Ashish's creativity is amusing. I remember a column you did at 411 when you commented on Ashish's choice of language. He would always say, "Like I said," repeatedly throughout a single column. I had been waiting for someone else to notice that.
HA! I had forgotten all about that until you brought it up. You guys have to know that you probably remember a whole lot more about the shit I've written then I ever could.
I DO remember doing a piece on Ashish's report on Bret Hart falling off his bicycle while having his stroke. Ashish ended it by saying Bret will soon be "on the road to recovery"
I distinctly remember trying like make Ashish see the irony. Hart stroked out while ON HIS BIKE but not to worry, Ashish thinks he'll be back ON THE ROAD to recovery in no time.
Ashish did not see the irony one bit. And he quickly grew annoyed with me.
The imagination of a bisexual fruit fly.
"Like I said"... HA... boy, Ashish did like to preach when he was in column writing mode.
********
To tie everything together, I started with Trish and I'll end with Trish.
Talking about girls being just as strong as guys. I keep having this fantasy of fucking Trish, it's a good one, but it ends badly.
I just keep thinking that we'll be going at it hot and heavy, and she reaches down and starts stroking something and starts cupping something and...
Well, the fantasy usually ends with me yelling, "OW!! OW!!! KAYFABE, WOMAN!! KAYFABE!!!!!!"
Best bet to go is to tie that Hellcat up.
It's strange, but she really loosens up with me and says some pretty funny, raw things. Plus we have, like, a 5 year "friendship" going so we can talk about things she can't talk about with the average jerk online. I scored a level of trust with her that not everyone gets, I don't think.
She's doing well.
Is she the real deal, or am I being conned by a fake? Lot of people use to announce, "Hyatte's being duped by a fake!!" quite frequently around this time last year. They have no way of proving it, they JUST KNOW!
People are fucking retarded sometimes.
I DO have proof I chat with the real deal. I just never had any reason to display it. It would break her trust and for what? To show up some message board asshole? Fuck them.
She reads this so say hello to her in the comments section.
Our chat was so cool I printed it and framed all 12 pages worth. I plan on selling them one page at a time on Ebay. I figure the page where she admits to spending twenty minutes a day in front of a mirror admiring her tits will make me rich.
**********
I napped through parts of Bound For Glory, which pisses me off because I wanted to watch it, but I had a few becks in me and the fucking eyelids just kept closing. It's funny, Kurt Angle is the one wrestler alive who DOES NOT NEED a lot of booking to have great matches, yet Russo seems to use Angle to unleash the worst aspectds of his booking skills. Kurt was pulling out one of the greatest matches out of Sting in years and the last 5 minutes of the match was nothing but clusterfuckery. Hell, it turned into the Nash show!
But on the whole, I blew $30 on it... because I'm SO FUCKING TIRED at night, especially with a few beers in me. Bad move by Hi-Rate.
I should order the ROH PPV, just to see what all the fuss is about... but god dammit, I DON'T WANT TO!!
*************
New England Patriots: 48
Dallas Cowboys: 27
The Patriots are so good, they may ruin football for the year. Who's going to invest much emotion in their teams when they know no one can get by the Pats?
Meanwhile, Cleveland is going to make the Red Sox fight for seven games. Saturday's game proved that one way of beating the Sox is to last past their closer, because the Sox bullpen after the tenth inning is the absolute shits.
I don't know why so many people bitch about baseball being lame because the teams with the most money get the best players. It seems to me that the clubs who have the BEST TEAM PLAYERS always seem to end up winning the whole magilla.
The damn Yankees haven't sniffed a World Series game in YEARS. The Red Sox won the whole thing three years ago but that was all.
In two weeks, the Boston Celtics take the floor with Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen joining Paul Pierce. It's funny to see Boston fans suddenly re-appear now that we seem to have an actual team show up on the floor. These fans seemed to have vanished right around the time Larry Bird retired.
To me, I won't care about the Celtics anymore until the go back to starting 3 white guys. Even in the 80's this was a hilarious, out-of place visual.
And so ends my part on New England sports.
*******
As I write this, actually, as I wrote the part about the Celtics, I'm listening to Bruce Mitchell and Wade Keller discuss wrestling and Bruce is telling a story about how Davey Boy Smith once took a gun and killed Matilda because she was barking too much. He did this in front of family at his home.
You know, I've been hearing stories about Davey Boy Smith and the British Bulldog and how they were two giant assholes who killed poor dogs and who believed that the meaner the rib, the better and have come to the conclusion that they both deserve to be wherever they are right now. Davey Boy deserves to be dead and I'm GLAD the Bulldog is a broke-ass cripple.
Reap what you motherucking sew.
Anyone who kills dogs deserves to get battery acid injected directly into their bowels
*********
I'm not talking about TV this blog.
******
You know... that motherfucking Rick Scaia has outlasted almost EVERYONE. The good news is I seriously doubt that anyone actually visits his site. Like me, he is sermonzing a roomfull of mostly empty seats. Unlike me he doesn't seem to know this.
Someone remind me to lay down the full story of the girl I sent to seduce him online. Tanya. She was a trip. I pretty much destroyed her heart. She has since recovered.
**********
One of my concerns with doing this blog is that I'm not exactly bringing on the funny.
********
You know, I always prided myself with never doing a "random thoughts" cheap ass lazy column... so why do I feel like I'm now reduced to doing a "random thoughts" cheap ass lazy blog? Fuck.
******
Here's a story from real life: A few weeks ago, at work, I promised to buy this girl a iced latte and bagged out. In her mind, this meant I owed her money.
Her name is Sarah, she's 18 year old, bisexual (but I think it's just a phase), and skinny as a rail. She's also a big time red head. I mean the whole pale white skin, ginger kid sort of red head. Really cute with a nifty sarcastic side.
Anyway, so she thought I owed her money, and, for some reason, I was talking to a bunch of people and a dollar bill happened to be in my hand. Well, from behind Sarah snuck up and grabbed the dollar from me. However, because I am a MAN and NOT a fag and have this brute, massive strength, I held on and for about three minutes, Sarah and I wrestled over a dollar bill.
No, we weren't rolling on the floor, I mean we were both fighting to get the dollar.
Yes, I said three minutes. Yes, it WAS three minutes.
This girl, this 110 pound 18 year old girl, she fucking FOUGHT for that dollar... and she fought WELL. At one point, she dug her thumbnail in my finger and I groaned. Little fucker hurt.
Now I have two points I want to make, the first is that Sarah taught me that girls can be just as tough, just as fierce as guys and I now truly believe that girls are NOT the weaker sex and COULD, with the right amount of confidence, CAN kick the shit out of men on a regular basis. This shit about girls being the weaker sex physically... all a myth. The only reason they aren't kicking our ass on a regualr basis is that most of them are too psyched out by the notion that men are supposed to be stronger. Popular conception, since time out of mind, is that men are the strong breadwinners and women are the nest building babymakers.
Sarah, this skinny, young, bony 18 year old could possibly kick my ass.
And I am NOT some small little skinny effeminate homo.
So I saw that this tug of wart would get serious if I didn't relent, so I let go of the dollar. She won! She got the dollar.
Which leads me to my next point. What Sara did, after winning the dollar in a physical match with me, she stood there and held the dollar in two hands and stared at it, as if authenticating that it was a real dollar.
So, quick as a whip, I reached over and snapped it out of her hands and pocketed it quick. Everyone laughed. She punched me a few times and tried to kick my nads. She ALMOST went for the dollar in my pocket but she didn't want her hand anywhere near my unit.
My second point is that while girls CAN be just as bad ass tough as guys, they don;t think three dimensionally. If a guy won the dollar fight, he would've made sure I was far away before inspecting his won booty. He wouldn't stand there immediately after the war and hold the thing like it was over and he won and I would be breaking the rules if I grabbed it again.
You girls need to think that the fight ain't over until it's OVER... you have to fight smarter. Think things through. And remember the golden rule... when it comes to fighting over something, it's not over until everyone goes home and the ring is emptied.
Sarah's a nice kid. We watch Survivor together when things are quiet at work. I crack her up. I like to pretend to be in heat over her and she throws things at me like staplers and coke bottles. She also says she isn't into me yet is always visiting me and hanging out.
*********
I'm currently reading Stephen King's Needful Things again. It had been years. My favorite part is when the lady is holding a picture of Elvis and she is swept to a hallucination where Elvis brings her on-stage during a concert and they start making out and the evil shopkeeper watches as she has a full orgasm in front of him. Then he tells her to suck his wang... ("Gobble my crank" was the exact phrase.) Great piece of twisted writing their.
I am trying to get through Lisey's Story but it's not grabbing me.
I need to so a full review of King's work again soon.
I also tore through Robert Parker's Hundred Dollar Baby in about two days. This book, and Parker, has a direct influence on the book I'm writing (about ten days away from breaking page 300). This is a clue.
*********
The other day I NEARLY seduced a black chick with something I wrote. This is real life I'm talking about. It's a great story. I'll tell it when I have time.
*********
I also plan on talking about Ghosthunters soon. It's my favorite show currently.
**********
I can't fucking believe I blew $30 on a TNA PPV and it was one of the best ones they've done and I slept through 70% of the fucking thing.
***********
- October 10, 2007 6:53 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Why did DOI shut down?
They didn't. It's right here
The dude kept the archives on the front page too.
- October 7, 2007 11:46 PM... BFH said: Go vegan .;)
Wade Keller,on his VIP message board, has taken to bragging about being a vegan and how healthy he is and spends quality time preaching about how bad Taco Bell is.
Meanwhile, Keller once had a sore throat and kept him in bed and caused his Torch newsletter to skip a week. And Keller gets sick more than anyone else I've heard of.
Keller once said that he likjes pizza places that make "special" pizza, with no meat or cheese. You know what they call pizza with no meat OR cheese? The Deluxe "What Moron Comes to a Pizza Joint When They Don't Want Meat Or Cheese?"
I'm really tempted to take a trip to Minnesota, hunt down Wade Keller, find him, jack off in my hand, and throw my semen at him.
Somehow, I doubt this would be a new experience for Mr. Keller.
- October 11, 2007 8:27 AM... Anonymous said: what do u think of the Van Halen reunion?
I think David Lee Roth isn't embarassing himself and his voice sounds great! I think they will make tens of millions from this tour and I really hope they put it on HBO or at least a DVD. I also think their concerts are filled with guys my age dressed like they're still in high school. I think I discussed this in one of my early blogs which you can access by clicking the archives <---------- right over to the left.
I also think that poor Sammy Hagar will never understand that Van Halen fans will ALWAYS prefer Roth to him simply because Roth knew how to write the coolest, dumbest lyrics ever. Sammy Hagar wrote the words to "Poundcake" and "Black and Blue" and left NO DOUBT that he was talking about fucking some broad. Roth writes "Panama" and it LOOKS like he's talking about fucking some broad but he's really talking about a cool car. That's the point. Dave is a fun songwriter. Hagar beats you over the head with what he's singing about.
Who writes "U"when asking a question? I mean, is typing "Y" and "O" just too friggin' strenuous??
- October 12, 2007 10:37 PM ... eithinan said... First of all I want to say how big of a fan I am and I have been for over adecade. Do you know when this Scooter Keith guy started doing "rants"? Because around '97 I was doing "E's Monday Nitro Rant" and "E's Raw Rant" which were highly detailed reviews of the shows including play by play and even quoting the shows. I was published on a few email newsletters then lost interest in it after a year or so. I guess my question is, Is Scott Keith someone who may have stolen the format I used, including the times for the matches, or was there a possible similarity in ideas?
I believe Scooter started calling his show reviews (which aren't really detailed) "Rants" in the early 90's, when the Internet was nothing but RSPW... which I think was like a message board which was e-mailed to you, I think... I didn't get a computer until 1996.
If anything, Dennis Miller should sue BOTH your asses.
Did Scooter steal from you? I dunno, maybe, anything's possible.
Funny thing about Scooter is that I have never seen someone take himself so seriously than he does. he truly thinks he is re-inventing the wheel here.
Sad thing about Scooter is that whenever guys like Meltzer or Mitchell or some of the more popular message boards like wrestling classics talk about upcoming books about Benoit, no one EVER mentions the book Scooter is writing.
He really gets shunned from anything that might make him look credible.
- October 13, 2007 12:12 AM ... Dan said... Your comment about Ashish's creativity is amusing. I remember a column you did at 411 when you commented on Ashish's choice of language. He would always say, "Like I said," repeatedly throughout a single column. I had been waiting for someone else to notice that.
HA! I had forgotten all about that until you brought it up. You guys have to know that you probably remember a whole lot more about the shit I've written then I ever could.
I DO remember doing a piece on Ashish's report on Bret Hart falling off his bicycle while having his stroke. Ashish ended it by saying Bret will soon be "on the road to recovery"
I distinctly remember trying like make Ashish see the irony. Hart stroked out while ON HIS BIKE but not to worry, Ashish thinks he'll be back ON THE ROAD to recovery in no time.
Ashish did not see the irony one bit. And he quickly grew annoyed with me.
The imagination of a bisexual fruit fly.
"Like I said"... HA... boy, Ashish did like to preach when he was in column writing mode.
********
To tie everything together, I started with Trish and I'll end with Trish.
Talking about girls being just as strong as guys. I keep having this fantasy of fucking Trish, it's a good one, but it ends badly.
I just keep thinking that we'll be going at it hot and heavy, and she reaches down and starts stroking something and starts cupping something and...
Well, the fantasy usually ends with me yelling, "OW!! OW!!! KAYFABE, WOMAN!! KAYFABE!!!!!!"
Best bet to go is to tie that Hellcat up.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Her name was Morgan Fairchild and by God she was the bomb
Do I have something to say here? Should I? Okay, how about the fact that I laugh every time you push me away. I laugh because it just proves that you can't believe anyone likes you for you and you're afraid I'll hurt you if I really got in there.
You don't like yourself very much and don't think anyone else can either.
It's your life, kid. Either fuck it up or make it better. I'll never stop believing in the good parts... no matter how many times you shove me away.
It's either this or I tell you to fuck off for the last time. You decide.
Heh... you don't have me figured out and you never will.
********
While some of you were watching Raw (2.8 rating, egads!) I was watching Monday Night Football.
Maybe one of the most exciting footballs games I've seen in years. This game just didn't stop being a heartstopper from kick-off to fieldgoal. It literally had everything you could possibly want in a football game.
And the heels won. (Any team Terrell Owens is on is the heel team, and I love the guy), they won when they shouldn't have. They won by a field goal kicked at the last second of the game, a 52 yeard field goal kicked, TWICE, by a rookie who's previous longest field goal was 47 yards in that same game.
And the entire city of Buffalo, which means the entire upper half of New York and parts of Canada, had their hearts broken in that split second.
And next week, Dallas - who knew they were lucky and want to avenge their lucky win take on the New England Patriots - who's QB, Tom Brady, had one of his worst performances last week against the Browns and HE wants to avenge that in a massive battle between two of the last three undefeated teams in the NFL.
This is going to be a Nuclear War.
This is why Soccer can suck America's dick.
********
TUESDAY
1) NCIS - No, I don't watch this show. This show is for old people. I've never seen a single episode and I can't tell you what it's about, other than Mark Harmon is in it.
Mark Harmon. I remember this guy from Flamingo Road. Anyone remember Flamingo Road? It was a good ol' fashioned night time soap opera. Mark Harmon got to fuck Morgan Fairchild and CHristina Raines (Who?) Morgan Fairchild ended up fucking everybody and I ejnded up getting serious scabs on my yoinkee from all the fucking tugging I did to Morgan Fairchild on TV.
I was 10 when Flamingo Road got going, and 12 when it stopped. That's a lot of fucking tugging.
Mark Harmon also was responsible for one of the coolest 1980 teen comedies ever put out... Summer School
Mark Harmon also died of Aids on the show St Elsewhere, where he had a homo mustache and fucked a LOT of girls.
Harom was also voted "People's Sexiest Man" once and did commericals for Coors beers
And Mark Harmon was in Chicago Hope, and he was a grumpy character. Always pissed off at someone, always annoyed. Plus he had a hard-core gambling problem and couldn't hang in Vegas for more than two hours without gambling away the deed to his house.
Mark Harmon has lasted in show business for 27 years without every really leaving mid-level TV work. That is really both sad and inspiring all at the same time.
He's not that good an actor either.
Ken Wahl looks at Mark Harmon's career and says, "SHIT, WHY COULDN'T I HAVE THAT LIFE???" Is Ken Wahl still guzzling vodka. Wiseguy was a really good show. Mark Harmon wasn't in it but Kevin Spacey was. This is another topic for another time, if ever.
But 27 years as a reliable handsome lead television actor gets you a respectful career and a obsene bank account, but Mark Harmon will never get invited to a P Diddy party. And the older ladies love him.
I think he beats his wife tho'. Just has that look.
You never catch me watching NCIS
2) Bones. I don't watch it. That chick has some really intense blue eyes, and possibly a penis. Just looks the type.
But I'm very happy that David Boreanaz found a steady gig after Angel went down. He's a likeable enough chap.
2) House. I'll watch the show, I like the show, I think Hugh Laurie is brilliant. I think it's hilarious watching Robert Sean Leonard go from handsome, young would-be leading man to the pudgy supporting character he is on this show, with a constantly bad haircut.
House peaked last year when they rolled out David Morse for a half season arc as a pissy cop who fucked up House's life just to out-bully him. The producers of the show took a real chance by making House the true bad guy in this fight. They also showed us, under no uncertain doubt, that the man is a junkie, stone cold junkie.
And he STAYED a junkie after the storyline was finished.
But this show is not DVD worthy for me, for a very simple reason. While the characters are great and unique, the weekly stories are always the same. Patient is sick, patient keeps getting sicker, House and his team spend all hour trying to figure out what's wrong, patient goes near death, in the last 8 minutes House finds a cure. Most times, the patient lives but every so often, the patient dies.
It's a GOOD premise, but once the mystery is solved I don't need to see it again. So House stays on my always be watching list, but I ain't gonna go buy the series.
3) ECW: What a bad show. What a show that reeks of the stench of apathy. This show is so bad you forget what a good color man Tazz really is. This show is so bad you can sometimes hear Joey Styles count his money live on-air.
CM Punk is the oddest looking dude in the business. One week he has a gut, the next it's flat and ripped (never too much). One week his legs shimmer like jell-o, the next... no, they always shimmer like jello.
And his HAIR... catch him in the right picture and you can see all that long hair receeding away... and does he ever shower?
And I still don't see why he's such a good wrestler. He's decent, but nothing great.
Here's what I LIKE about ECW: Big Daddy V's chest. Quite an adventure ride watching those pecs flap about.
And Kelly Kelly. Kelly Kelly is Johnny Ace's greatest find. She is not just beautiful, she's charismatic and has a naive, wholesome quality to her. If she ever decided to learn how to wrestle she would be HUGE. She's got "it"... without even trying she's got "it". Doesn't matter that she can hardly dance, she is still the unquestionable star of Extreme Expose. The other two girls HAVE to dance like psychopaths just to break anyone's attention off Kelly.
They should move her to Raw pronto. This girl is a star.
Anyway, I don't watch ECW for much longer than a few minutes a week. It's a depressing show. The fans are depressed. The announcers are depressed. Most of the wrestlers are depressed and the ones who aren't are just too high to be depressed... except for Punk... he's high on LIFE... and Big Macs.
The BIGGEST reason why I don't watch ECW is because of... of course...
4) Boston Legal:
Which I'll get to next blog.
*******
September 17, 2007 11:52 PM... Charles A said... So how close were we to Scoops.com becoming Hyatte.com? Speaking of Al am I the only one disappointed that he has stopped posting about wrestling.
Nah, Al would've sold Scoops to Ugo whether I was still there or not. Promises of big $$ were being thrown at everyone who owned a site back then and the Net seemed like a monster money making machine.
And it has become that for sites and concepts that appeal to a global audience. MySpace, Facebook, Yahoo, Google for chrissakes... all bazillion-dollar websites now.
But back in 2000, no one knew how to make money off wrestling sites. You really, REALLY think Scherer makes money off those pop-up ads? Well, maybe he might but not as much as he'll lose when someone finally figures out how to sue his ass.
Back in 2000, Al took a little money, handed over the rights, and when things didn't go down like he was told, he got out. He tried a internet comeback a few years ago, and brought the hell on earth that was FREAKBOY with him, but it didn't work out.
I'm not sure Al would be a huge deal these days. He was terribly positive, and SUCH a mark. I think I hurt him bad when I left. I don't think he ever got over it.
His wife was a bonafide hottie, though.
One day I got an e-mail from Jay Kirell (who?? One of those other Scoops writers who thought he was in league with me. Think Josh Grut circa-1998) which was part of a mass, staff-only e-mail with a crazy idea of EVERYONE should switch columns and take-over someone else's column but under the name of the regular writer. It was a big... umm... either Halloween or April Fool's gag.
Well, I watched as the day went on and all these writers signed up and said, "Wow, what a GREAT IDEA Jay! Awesome!! Cool!! And ideas started floating."
I didn't say anything.
And then Kirell wrote back and said something like, "So this guy can do Rich in KC's column, and Freakboy can do my column, and Bambi can do so and so's column, and I can do the Mop-Up, and Hyatte can do Freakboy's column and it'll freak EVERYONE out man!!
So I blew my stack and contributed an e-mail and told all of them to fuck off and suck my dick and no one gets to do my Mop-Ups and Jesus Christ, worry about your own columns rather than worrying about mine and FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU I'M THE STAR HERE!!!
At the time, I thought I was a big deal. So would you if you had signs with your name on it on wrestling shows.
Well, it got bad after that. Al chirped in and he was pissed and Freakboy tried to make peace and some girl who's name I forget e-mailed and basically said that I was a arrogant douchebag and there's no need for such hostility and eventually I had to do another letter and give them a ra ra I like my Scoops team and we rock speech and a few weeks later Al sent out a mass e-mail with some rules about working for Scoops and one of them was "Let Hyatte Be Hyatte". Which was cool.
You just don't get those days anymore.
I probably should've stuck with Scoops, through the editing (and they edited the SHIT out of my columns towards the end), for a couple of more yars, just to see what would've happened... but burn out is burn out and no matter what support staff I had, I was frying out fast. I probably would've ended up the same.
Al Issacs wouldn't have lasted in today's day and age without some major connections in the business.
October 8, 2007 3:17 PM Dan said... I love 411mania's ratings reports for RAW, Smackdown, etc. Ashish reports the rating and leaves it at that, which is useless. RAW got a 3.2 (or whatever). So what? That number is meaningless without putting it into any context, which he rarely does.
And what can I do about this? Ashish never paid attention to me even when I was making his site a huge deal.
Little nugget on Ashish Parabi - he isn't what you would call the sharpest knife in the drawer. He also has nothing that resembles an imagination.
October 9, 2007 11:17 AM JT said... Hi8, Ok, given the recent drop in WWE's ratings, the latest number for Raw was 2.8. Could you possibly do a Midnight News or some kind of rant on how you feel the "E" could improve (and TNA for that matter). We miss the improv, we miss the hysterical laughter we get from your columns. As a reader from the red stripe days (horray beer) I humbly ask you to consider a one off type blog where you get into the state of today's wrestling scene.
If you don't I understand, you are a well rounded individual with a life that doesn't revolve around "wrasslin" or "sports entertainment" but as a long time supporter, it would be nice. Thanks from a long time reader and admirer of your gift (not kissing your ass, just saying, I know you probably got jack and shit for your contribution over the years - heck you built most the sites you worked for. Would have never even gone to DOI if you weren't there). Thanks.
See, this is a perfect suck-up letter. He presents a topic, asks me to write about it in my style, then proceeds to remind me of how great I once was and how I made everyone's day and IF... MAYBE... POSSIBLY... I could do it again, would I?
No. And I don't RANT... neither does Scooter Keith, by the way. Horrible use of the verb.
They can change things around by hiring Hogan, Angle, Nash, Hall, the Rock, and Bret Hart and reforming the NWO. They also need to STOP WITH THE BACKSTAGE SKITS!! Those things are what most of those soap opera writers are there for. Brian Gerwitz could care less about wrestling.
I see no reason why Jonathon Coachman is still around.
Oh, and no more deaths.
If anyone has Shane Douglas in a death pool, I would keep an eye on him.
******
I need more questions.
*******
I'll be back
You don't like yourself very much and don't think anyone else can either.
It's your life, kid. Either fuck it up or make it better. I'll never stop believing in the good parts... no matter how many times you shove me away.
It's either this or I tell you to fuck off for the last time. You decide.
Heh... you don't have me figured out and you never will.
********
While some of you were watching Raw (2.8 rating, egads!) I was watching Monday Night Football.
Maybe one of the most exciting footballs games I've seen in years. This game just didn't stop being a heartstopper from kick-off to fieldgoal. It literally had everything you could possibly want in a football game.
And the heels won. (Any team Terrell Owens is on is the heel team, and I love the guy), they won when they shouldn't have. They won by a field goal kicked at the last second of the game, a 52 yeard field goal kicked, TWICE, by a rookie who's previous longest field goal was 47 yards in that same game.
And the entire city of Buffalo, which means the entire upper half of New York and parts of Canada, had their hearts broken in that split second.
And next week, Dallas - who knew they were lucky and want to avenge their lucky win take on the New England Patriots - who's QB, Tom Brady, had one of his worst performances last week against the Browns and HE wants to avenge that in a massive battle between two of the last three undefeated teams in the NFL.
This is going to be a Nuclear War.
This is why Soccer can suck America's dick.
********
TUESDAY
1) NCIS - No, I don't watch this show. This show is for old people. I've never seen a single episode and I can't tell you what it's about, other than Mark Harmon is in it.
Mark Harmon. I remember this guy from Flamingo Road. Anyone remember Flamingo Road? It was a good ol' fashioned night time soap opera. Mark Harmon got to fuck Morgan Fairchild and CHristina Raines (Who?) Morgan Fairchild ended up fucking everybody and I ejnded up getting serious scabs on my yoinkee from all the fucking tugging I did to Morgan Fairchild on TV.
I was 10 when Flamingo Road got going, and 12 when it stopped. That's a lot of fucking tugging.
Mark Harmon also was responsible for one of the coolest 1980 teen comedies ever put out... Summer School
Mark Harmon also died of Aids on the show St Elsewhere, where he had a homo mustache and fucked a LOT of girls.
Harom was also voted "People's Sexiest Man" once and did commericals for Coors beers
And Mark Harmon was in Chicago Hope, and he was a grumpy character. Always pissed off at someone, always annoyed. Plus he had a hard-core gambling problem and couldn't hang in Vegas for more than two hours without gambling away the deed to his house.
Mark Harmon has lasted in show business for 27 years without every really leaving mid-level TV work. That is really both sad and inspiring all at the same time.
He's not that good an actor either.
Ken Wahl looks at Mark Harmon's career and says, "SHIT, WHY COULDN'T I HAVE THAT LIFE???" Is Ken Wahl still guzzling vodka. Wiseguy was a really good show. Mark Harmon wasn't in it but Kevin Spacey was. This is another topic for another time, if ever.
But 27 years as a reliable handsome lead television actor gets you a respectful career and a obsene bank account, but Mark Harmon will never get invited to a P Diddy party. And the older ladies love him.
I think he beats his wife tho'. Just has that look.
You never catch me watching NCIS
2) Bones. I don't watch it. That chick has some really intense blue eyes, and possibly a penis. Just looks the type.
But I'm very happy that David Boreanaz found a steady gig after Angel went down. He's a likeable enough chap.
2) House. I'll watch the show, I like the show, I think Hugh Laurie is brilliant. I think it's hilarious watching Robert Sean Leonard go from handsome, young would-be leading man to the pudgy supporting character he is on this show, with a constantly bad haircut.
House peaked last year when they rolled out David Morse for a half season arc as a pissy cop who fucked up House's life just to out-bully him. The producers of the show took a real chance by making House the true bad guy in this fight. They also showed us, under no uncertain doubt, that the man is a junkie, stone cold junkie.
And he STAYED a junkie after the storyline was finished.
But this show is not DVD worthy for me, for a very simple reason. While the characters are great and unique, the weekly stories are always the same. Patient is sick, patient keeps getting sicker, House and his team spend all hour trying to figure out what's wrong, patient goes near death, in the last 8 minutes House finds a cure. Most times, the patient lives but every so often, the patient dies.
It's a GOOD premise, but once the mystery is solved I don't need to see it again. So House stays on my always be watching list, but I ain't gonna go buy the series.
3) ECW: What a bad show. What a show that reeks of the stench of apathy. This show is so bad you forget what a good color man Tazz really is. This show is so bad you can sometimes hear Joey Styles count his money live on-air.
CM Punk is the oddest looking dude in the business. One week he has a gut, the next it's flat and ripped (never too much). One week his legs shimmer like jell-o, the next... no, they always shimmer like jello.
And his HAIR... catch him in the right picture and you can see all that long hair receeding away... and does he ever shower?
And I still don't see why he's such a good wrestler. He's decent, but nothing great.
Here's what I LIKE about ECW: Big Daddy V's chest. Quite an adventure ride watching those pecs flap about.
And Kelly Kelly. Kelly Kelly is Johnny Ace's greatest find. She is not just beautiful, she's charismatic and has a naive, wholesome quality to her. If she ever decided to learn how to wrestle she would be HUGE. She's got "it"... without even trying she's got "it". Doesn't matter that she can hardly dance, she is still the unquestionable star of Extreme Expose. The other two girls HAVE to dance like psychopaths just to break anyone's attention off Kelly.
They should move her to Raw pronto. This girl is a star.
Anyway, I don't watch ECW for much longer than a few minutes a week. It's a depressing show. The fans are depressed. The announcers are depressed. Most of the wrestlers are depressed and the ones who aren't are just too high to be depressed... except for Punk... he's high on LIFE... and Big Macs.
The BIGGEST reason why I don't watch ECW is because of... of course...
4) Boston Legal:
Which I'll get to next blog.
*******
September 17, 2007 11:52 PM... Charles A said... So how close were we to Scoops.com becoming Hyatte.com? Speaking of Al am I the only one disappointed that he has stopped posting about wrestling.
Nah, Al would've sold Scoops to Ugo whether I was still there or not. Promises of big $$ were being thrown at everyone who owned a site back then and the Net seemed like a monster money making machine.
And it has become that for sites and concepts that appeal to a global audience. MySpace, Facebook, Yahoo, Google for chrissakes... all bazillion-dollar websites now.
But back in 2000, no one knew how to make money off wrestling sites. You really, REALLY think Scherer makes money off those pop-up ads? Well, maybe he might but not as much as he'll lose when someone finally figures out how to sue his ass.
Back in 2000, Al took a little money, handed over the rights, and when things didn't go down like he was told, he got out. He tried a internet comeback a few years ago, and brought the hell on earth that was FREAKBOY with him, but it didn't work out.
I'm not sure Al would be a huge deal these days. He was terribly positive, and SUCH a mark. I think I hurt him bad when I left. I don't think he ever got over it.
His wife was a bonafide hottie, though.
One day I got an e-mail from Jay Kirell (who?? One of those other Scoops writers who thought he was in league with me. Think Josh Grut circa-1998) which was part of a mass, staff-only e-mail with a crazy idea of EVERYONE should switch columns and take-over someone else's column but under the name of the regular writer. It was a big... umm... either Halloween or April Fool's gag.
Well, I watched as the day went on and all these writers signed up and said, "Wow, what a GREAT IDEA Jay! Awesome!! Cool!! And ideas started floating."
I didn't say anything.
And then Kirell wrote back and said something like, "So this guy can do Rich in KC's column, and Freakboy can do my column, and Bambi can do so and so's column, and I can do the Mop-Up, and Hyatte can do Freakboy's column and it'll freak EVERYONE out man!!
So I blew my stack and contributed an e-mail and told all of them to fuck off and suck my dick and no one gets to do my Mop-Ups and Jesus Christ, worry about your own columns rather than worrying about mine and FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU I'M THE STAR HERE!!!
At the time, I thought I was a big deal. So would you if you had signs with your name on it on wrestling shows.
Well, it got bad after that. Al chirped in and he was pissed and Freakboy tried to make peace and some girl who's name I forget e-mailed and basically said that I was a arrogant douchebag and there's no need for such hostility and eventually I had to do another letter and give them a ra ra I like my Scoops team and we rock speech and a few weeks later Al sent out a mass e-mail with some rules about working for Scoops and one of them was "Let Hyatte Be Hyatte". Which was cool.
You just don't get those days anymore.
I probably should've stuck with Scoops, through the editing (and they edited the SHIT out of my columns towards the end), for a couple of more yars, just to see what would've happened... but burn out is burn out and no matter what support staff I had, I was frying out fast. I probably would've ended up the same.
Al Issacs wouldn't have lasted in today's day and age without some major connections in the business.
October 8, 2007 3:17 PM Dan said... I love 411mania's ratings reports for RAW, Smackdown, etc. Ashish reports the rating and leaves it at that, which is useless. RAW got a 3.2 (or whatever). So what? That number is meaningless without putting it into any context, which he rarely does.
And what can I do about this? Ashish never paid attention to me even when I was making his site a huge deal.
Little nugget on Ashish Parabi - he isn't what you would call the sharpest knife in the drawer. He also has nothing that resembles an imagination.
October 9, 2007 11:17 AM JT said... Hi8, Ok, given the recent drop in WWE's ratings, the latest number for Raw was 2.8. Could you possibly do a Midnight News or some kind of rant on how you feel the "E" could improve (and TNA for that matter). We miss the improv, we miss the hysterical laughter we get from your columns. As a reader from the red stripe days (horray beer) I humbly ask you to consider a one off type blog where you get into the state of today's wrestling scene.
If you don't I understand, you are a well rounded individual with a life that doesn't revolve around "wrasslin" or "sports entertainment" but as a long time supporter, it would be nice. Thanks from a long time reader and admirer of your gift (not kissing your ass, just saying, I know you probably got jack and shit for your contribution over the years - heck you built most the sites you worked for. Would have never even gone to DOI if you weren't there). Thanks.
See, this is a perfect suck-up letter. He presents a topic, asks me to write about it in my style, then proceeds to remind me of how great I once was and how I made everyone's day and IF... MAYBE... POSSIBLY... I could do it again, would I?
No. And I don't RANT... neither does Scooter Keith, by the way. Horrible use of the verb.
They can change things around by hiring Hogan, Angle, Nash, Hall, the Rock, and Bret Hart and reforming the NWO. They also need to STOP WITH THE BACKSTAGE SKITS!! Those things are what most of those soap opera writers are there for. Brian Gerwitz could care less about wrestling.
I see no reason why Jonathon Coachman is still around.
Oh, and no more deaths.
If anyone has Shane Douglas in a death pool, I would keep an eye on him.
******
I need more questions.
*******
I'll be back
Monday, October 8, 2007
TV is good for you
No letters, no hidden messages, let's just talk about TELEVISION!!
MONDAYS
Well, I covered Raw, which is to say I can take it or leave it now. Although I WILL watch Melina, I mean, make a point to watch her. Can't she piss someone off so she's booked to make-out with someone hard for a few weeks, like Lita did with Edge.
But more times than not, Raw is my go-to show, unless the football game is really good, which is looking impossible since this year there are, like, 4 teams that are any good and the rest are already struggling.
But there are OTHER shows on the air, and I see Scooter Keith does his own form of ejaculating over most of them... so Mondays are apparenly a hot night for TV watching
But I don't watch them. Why? Because...
1) 24: I actually did a large write-up on this show last December in the Midnight News. It's buried somewhere in the middle of this column and I stand by the order of excellence.
However, for me, this is a DVD only show. I don't want to watch it weekly, I want CHUNKS!! LOTS AND LOTS OF CHUNKS.
So I wait for the DVD to come out. It helps me keep track of all the doings going on with the show too.
As for the show? I enjoy it. I don't LOVE IT... I LIKE IT. I think Keifer Sutherland whispers too damn much, and Bill Simmons has a theory that Sutherland makes sure they hire actors under 6 foot so he doesn't look so small, which is hilarious. Plus the DVDs have a lot of gnarly features, like DVD only featurettes that show what Jack Baur is doing between seasons... and sure, they are mostly CAR COMMERCIALS... but still, they're fun to watch.
That old column I linked... not bad stuff. In it there is a You Tube link to big time wrestling fuck-ups is still available to watch too.
2) Prison Break: I refuse to watch it for some reason. Probably because after the first season, where they achieved the goal of the show, there was nothing left other than to make MORE money off the audience. I don't care about the actors, the two of them look like pretty boy fags, and I see the DVDs sitting there and have nothing... NOTHING in the very essense of my being that's telling me to check it out.
I can't watch everything, nor do I want to, so some shows fall under the category of "It could be on for 20 years and win 10 million emmys and I'll never want to see it." This is one of them.
3) Heroes: Same thing as prison break. I'm just not that interested.
And you know what, it's too geeky for me. I was all over Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and once every few months I hit the bookstore, grab a few comic trade paperbacks, and settle in-store for a few hours and read them, but my days of comic buying are over.
If I'm flipping around and any one of the Star Trek shows are on... unless Scott Bakula is in it, then chances are I'll watch. I embrace my inner-geek, but I will NOT feed him new stuff.
And I can tell with Heroes that it's going to be hot for a while, then it'll cool down, then it'll fade away quietly. That's the vibe I get from this show... that it'll end up disappointing its audience.
4) Heroes isn't DVD-worthy either because... because... BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE LATEST FAD THING TO WATCH!!
Not all the time, anyway.
Plus Ali Larter has major luggage over her eyes. Give her jowls and about 30 pounds and she'll look like Trish Stratus
5) CBS Comedy Line-Up: Now I like myself a good comedy, but over the years, Monday nights on CBS have always been a "fun for the whole family" type of thing.
"Fun for the whole family"... does this concept even exist anymore? What I'm saying is does the programming idea: That a family - Mom, Dad, the teenager, the 12 year old, and the seven year old - all gather together after dinner and spend Monday evenings watching a couple of hours of inoffensive (except when Charlie Sheen is on-camera, then there is ALWAYS an air of seediness and danger) laughs? Shiut, that didn't happen when I was a kid. I can't imagine it happens now.
If it does, God bless it, but I don't see it happening. More likely the kids have their own TV in their rooms, Dad is downstairs watching football and Mom is maybe watching this with her youngest in the family room. These days, "family time" means that everyone's home and no one needs a ride to the mall.
Anyway, I never watched Everybody Loves Raymond and that was like, their biggest show ever. I'm not sure I can buy Doogie Howser being an extra-horny man-beast when he just recently came out of the closet, so How I Met Your Mother is out. I have absolutely no desire to see Charlie Sheen read lines, and I beleive I already talked about The King of Queens. So there you go.
6) CSI Miami. Why is this show so orange?
It's not Caruso's hair either, the show is filmed in bright, orange hues.
I tried this show in its first season and it was okay, but when a show's formula is a standard formula which is the primary reason for its success, then it is never changed.
It's just not for me. And its so BRIGHT.
Kim Delany was there for the first ten episodes of the season and her frizzy afro-hair PAID THE PRICE for filiming in the tropics that is Miami. I'm fairly convinced she left the show because of how her hair reacted to the humidity.
Plus she's apparently a fine ol' lush... or was, at least.
There's a joke about this show where Caruso's line reading is so lame, especially right before the opoening credits, that someone cobbled together a montage of Caruso reading some horrific line before the show jumps to the Who's "Won't get fooled again" opening. Go find it if you're interested.
Anything else for Mondays? No, I think I nailed it all.
MONDAYS
Well, I covered Raw, which is to say I can take it or leave it now. Although I WILL watch Melina, I mean, make a point to watch her. Can't she piss someone off so she's booked to make-out with someone hard for a few weeks, like Lita did with Edge.
But more times than not, Raw is my go-to show, unless the football game is really good, which is looking impossible since this year there are, like, 4 teams that are any good and the rest are already struggling.
But there are OTHER shows on the air, and I see Scooter Keith does his own form of ejaculating over most of them... so Mondays are apparenly a hot night for TV watching
But I don't watch them. Why? Because...
1) 24: I actually did a large write-up on this show last December in the Midnight News. It's buried somewhere in the middle of this column and I stand by the order of excellence.
However, for me, this is a DVD only show. I don't want to watch it weekly, I want CHUNKS!! LOTS AND LOTS OF CHUNKS.
So I wait for the DVD to come out. It helps me keep track of all the doings going on with the show too.
As for the show? I enjoy it. I don't LOVE IT... I LIKE IT. I think Keifer Sutherland whispers too damn much, and Bill Simmons has a theory that Sutherland makes sure they hire actors under 6 foot so he doesn't look so small, which is hilarious. Plus the DVDs have a lot of gnarly features, like DVD only featurettes that show what Jack Baur is doing between seasons... and sure, they are mostly CAR COMMERCIALS... but still, they're fun to watch.
That old column I linked... not bad stuff. In it there is a You Tube link to big time wrestling fuck-ups is still available to watch too.
2) Prison Break: I refuse to watch it for some reason. Probably because after the first season, where they achieved the goal of the show, there was nothing left other than to make MORE money off the audience. I don't care about the actors, the two of them look like pretty boy fags, and I see the DVDs sitting there and have nothing... NOTHING in the very essense of my being that's telling me to check it out.
I can't watch everything, nor do I want to, so some shows fall under the category of "It could be on for 20 years and win 10 million emmys and I'll never want to see it." This is one of them.
3) Heroes: Same thing as prison break. I'm just not that interested.
And you know what, it's too geeky for me. I was all over Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and once every few months I hit the bookstore, grab a few comic trade paperbacks, and settle in-store for a few hours and read them, but my days of comic buying are over.
If I'm flipping around and any one of the Star Trek shows are on... unless Scott Bakula is in it, then chances are I'll watch. I embrace my inner-geek, but I will NOT feed him new stuff.
And I can tell with Heroes that it's going to be hot for a while, then it'll cool down, then it'll fade away quietly. That's the vibe I get from this show... that it'll end up disappointing its audience.
4) Heroes isn't DVD-worthy either because... because... BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE LATEST FAD THING TO WATCH!!
Not all the time, anyway.
Plus Ali Larter has major luggage over her eyes. Give her jowls and about 30 pounds and she'll look like Trish Stratus
5) CBS Comedy Line-Up: Now I like myself a good comedy, but over the years, Monday nights on CBS have always been a "fun for the whole family" type of thing.
"Fun for the whole family"... does this concept even exist anymore? What I'm saying is does the programming idea: That a family - Mom, Dad, the teenager, the 12 year old, and the seven year old - all gather together after dinner and spend Monday evenings watching a couple of hours of inoffensive (except when Charlie Sheen is on-camera, then there is ALWAYS an air of seediness and danger) laughs? Shiut, that didn't happen when I was a kid. I can't imagine it happens now.
If it does, God bless it, but I don't see it happening. More likely the kids have their own TV in their rooms, Dad is downstairs watching football and Mom is maybe watching this with her youngest in the family room. These days, "family time" means that everyone's home and no one needs a ride to the mall.
Anyway, I never watched Everybody Loves Raymond and that was like, their biggest show ever. I'm not sure I can buy Doogie Howser being an extra-horny man-beast when he just recently came out of the closet, so How I Met Your Mother is out. I have absolutely no desire to see Charlie Sheen read lines, and I beleive I already talked about The King of Queens. So there you go.
6) CSI Miami. Why is this show so orange?
It's not Caruso's hair either, the show is filmed in bright, orange hues.
I tried this show in its first season and it was okay, but when a show's formula is a standard formula which is the primary reason for its success, then it is never changed.
It's just not for me. And its so BRIGHT.
Kim Delany was there for the first ten episodes of the season and her frizzy afro-hair PAID THE PRICE for filiming in the tropics that is Miami. I'm fairly convinced she left the show because of how her hair reacted to the humidity.
Plus she's apparently a fine ol' lush... or was, at least.
There's a joke about this show where Caruso's line reading is so lame, especially right before the opoening credits, that someone cobbled together a montage of Caruso reading some horrific line before the show jumps to the Who's "Won't get fooled again" opening. Go find it if you're interested.
Anything else for Mondays? No, I think I nailed it all.
Friday, October 5, 2007
UPDATE
After eating a couple of breasts last night, I'm now feeling sick... and my morning poo wasn't too encouraging either.
Thank God KFC is so far away. This stuff isn't something you should eat more than two-three times a year.
Fuggin'... blegh... ooomph.... whoosh.
Thank God KFC is so far away. This stuff isn't something you should eat more than two-three times a year.
Fuggin'... blegh... ooomph.... whoosh.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
A long way for some breasts.
UPDATE
After eating a couple of breasts last night, I'm now feeling sick... and my morning poo wasn't too encouraging either.
Thank God KFC is so far away. This stuff isn't something you should eat more than two-three times a year.
Fuggin'... blegh... ooomph.... whoosh.
It boggles my mind.
It's been in business for longer than we've been alive. It's a one-of-a-kind franchise with an honest-to-goodness mascot. It's just as fast as McDonald's and ten times tastier and you can get feed a family of four on it for about $25
And I don't live in the boonies.
So why, when I feel like some Kentucky Fried Chicken, I got to drive at least 15 miles and as much as 25 miles to get to one of the three closest KFC's near me?
McDonalds? I can walk to one and drive about 4 minutes to reach one of any four hovering nearby. Wendys? One 7 minute drive. Burger King? I got a 6 minute drive or a 8 minute drive. Subway? 8 within a five mile radius. That's right, 8.
Dunkin Donuts? About 30 within a seven mile radius, with one so close I can open a window and ejaculate out and it'll land on the drive-through.
Pizza Hut? 2 within a 15 mile radius.
And I'm pretty sure in every town in America there is one Dago who thought he was a genius for naming his pizza joint "House of Pizza".
More stuff coming in a day or two.
After eating a couple of breasts last night, I'm now feeling sick... and my morning poo wasn't too encouraging either.
Thank God KFC is so far away. This stuff isn't something you should eat more than two-three times a year.
Fuggin'... blegh... ooomph.... whoosh.
It boggles my mind.
It's been in business for longer than we've been alive. It's a one-of-a-kind franchise with an honest-to-goodness mascot. It's just as fast as McDonald's and ten times tastier and you can get feed a family of four on it for about $25
And I don't live in the boonies.
So why, when I feel like some Kentucky Fried Chicken, I got to drive at least 15 miles and as much as 25 miles to get to one of the three closest KFC's near me?
McDonalds? I can walk to one and drive about 4 minutes to reach one of any four hovering nearby. Wendys? One 7 minute drive. Burger King? I got a 6 minute drive or a 8 minute drive. Subway? 8 within a five mile radius. That's right, 8.
Dunkin Donuts? About 30 within a seven mile radius, with one so close I can open a window and ejaculate out and it'll land on the drive-through.
Pizza Hut? 2 within a 15 mile radius.
And I'm pretty sure in every town in America there is one Dago who thought he was a genius for naming his pizza joint "House of Pizza".
More stuff coming in a day or two.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Paris nights and other stuff
Man, you just plan on letting me down again and again until I get the hint, don't you?
Not worth the wait. Not worth it at all. Ass.
For everyone else, the last time I was here I covered what I could possibly watch on Sundays. Yes, I'm doing TV recaps. Yes, I feel like a tool for doing so.
Yes, my life is this empty, but I actually don't mind. It's restful and there is, like, very little responsibility.
I'd also like to note that in Canada, you cannot get divorced until at least after your first year of marriage.
And I'd like to wish Trish Stratus a happy first anniversary... which was yesterday.
All I'm saying.
A note about the last blog and the EXPLOSIVE DEBATE between the quality of Survivorman vs Man vs Wild. Well, the Discovery channel started running Man vs Wild episodes and I had forgotten that he takes a camera crew.... or at least one guy, with him. So while Bear Grylis is running around the jungles of the rain forest or the artic HELL of Iceland, and talking about how nasty it is out there, he's being tailed by a camera guy who is going through the exact same shit, only while holding a goddam camera.
The Survivorman guy is all alone and reminds you of this every 5 minutes.
Winner: Survivorman
Couple of questions relating to the last blog... or column, whichever you want to call it.
1) September 27, 2007 2:17 PM: DewersXXX said...What do you mean you don't catch the WWE ppv's when they are on Sundays? WTF!?!
No! Ugh.
I have WWE 24/7 on cable. I pay $12 a month for it. The PPV's debut there about 3 months later. It's like the old days when the latest "Pro Wrestling Illustrated" would cover all the territory action (because in the early 80's, I just HAD to know how Junkyard Dog got revenge on those Freebird bastards for blinding him!) three - four months after the fact.
And... I'm just not feeling pro wrestling anymore. This Triple H is completely out of control. The writers are only there to scribble bad comedy segments. Vince thinks he and his family are the reason anyone watches. And John Cena, well he's likable enough, but there's no improvisation to him. Everything he says, no matter how energetic, is scripted. The only time the real Cena peeks through is when he laughs at being booed.
The WWE is a mess and they truly don't know this. Why should they? There is no competition.
What really bothered me was the show where Vince raged against the government and those letters Congress sent him. He tried to take the "us vs them" mentality and include the audience into it, trying to make himself the babyface in this upcoming battle.
Congress is after the WWE because wrestlers are dropping dead in their 40's, and one of them took his family with him. How the fuck is McMahon the good guy here?
I'll sometimes get a TNA ppv because of Kurt Angle. And fuck ROH. Fuck them and fuck these stupid net fags who worship them.
What about the return of Jericho? Well, I still watch Raw, but I change the channel more frequently then I used to. I'll certainly be interested in how they book him, and how he does in the current political climate, but I'm really wondering which Diva he is going to end up fucking on the road now that Stratus is gone.
Speaking of which, Candice Michelle, even though she looks totally coked out, has become a very good wrestler. It's amazing that she's imporved so much while Torrie Wilson hasn't progressed one iota in the... God, eight years she's been in the business.
2) September 27, 2007 3:12 PM : Nik said... You watch any of the Showtimes series? Weeds, Dexter, etc.?
Showtime... Showtime...
No. Well, yeah, but not really.
I do like Californication, (it's one of the shows I flip to during Raw. David Duchovny walks through the show with a smirk that says, "I'm getting paid to simulate sex. I'm a genius!" I like Duchovny, he's got a very mellow way about him. He's the type of guy who you want to sit next to at a bar and drink beer wth while watching drunk guys hit on women.
I also LOVED the Showtime series Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley's on-screen intervention session. But Showtime only had her for a six episode season, and then never re-signed her for another go-round. That's not a show, it's a fucking cocktease.
It's like meeting a girl online and cyberfucking her a while and then she refuses to advance any further. It's a rip-off.
AND Showtime had an ACTUAL mini-series called Debbie Does Dallas Again, which I talked about before in blogs past (and since deleted). Now that was a great fucking show - all about the porn world and in seven episodes we saw all the creepy dudes old farts, the creepy young directors, the seedy places where they shoot, and the mentally fucked actresses... all working under the Vivid banner, which is run by a normal looking guy in a professional setting.
But Showtime has this stigma where they keep saying, "Look, we are BETTER than HBO and we are willing to go there... we will go ALL THE WAY to prove that we are better than HBO!! WATCH US!! RESPECT US!! PLEASE!!!"
And their movie selection really sucks. Back in the 80's, Showtime signed a contract with Disnay and Paramount so a whole bunch of super cool movies ended up exclusively on Showtime. For a while there, Showtime was THE movie channel.
But contracts are made to end and HBO swooped in and grabbed all the contracts.
Can't get into Weeds, not very interested in Dexter.
Bring back Fat Actress. The show where Kirstie Alley's crackhead brother showed up and everyone ended up high on crack was one of the funniest things I ever watched.
3) September 28, 2007 4:57 AM: Anonymous said... You don't watch King Of Queens???
Well no. It's not on anymore.
Let's see, a fat regular guy is married to a really hot chick. If MORE hot chicks did this in real life they would probably be a lot happier.
Because no matter how hard they work out, no matter how many beauty spas they visit, eventually they hit the wall, and then they need their personality to get by. Scary.
If more hot chicks smarten up and realize that true love comes in all shapes and sizes, they'll be in for a much better life.
I have more questions, and I'll hit them over the week. I'm getting tired right now sooo, here's a pair of treats:
TRIPLE H KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired ofHHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here atDOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know Hyatte.blogspot.com, where no wrestlers except for April Hunter and possibly her husband come by just to make sure I'm not posting nude pictures of her, and a small handful of people who googled my name and found that I'm still spouting off online. People like YOU need to learn... Triple H Kevin Nash isn't to be hated. Triple H Kevin Nash is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He made the following quote to Wade Keller in a very recent Torch interview:
I'm not going to bash Kennedy. I wouldn't know Kennedy if he came in my house and was scrubbing my floors. I don't watch the show and don't know who he is. I've read the sheets and I read what he said about Ultimate Warrior, which is absolutely ludicrous, because Kennedy, if he had the best counterfeit machine in the world couldn't print enough money during his career to compensate what Hellwig drew, period, end of sentence..
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Oh man, that is the BEST! Even with counterfeit machine Kennedy will never outdraw the Ultimate Warrior! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
The man knows how to drive net marks BATSHIT!! HAHAHAHAHAAA
Second treat. Paris Hilton went on the Letterman Show last Friday. She was probably expecting the usual "Oh Paris, you're so great" type of interview... fluffy, harmless, and congenial.
Well, Dave was charming. He was friendly. And he wasn't RUDE. He told her how pretty she was a few times...
But anyuone who watches Letterman, or has watched him knows that Dave really doesn't care for guests who have nothing to say. If there is no movie/show/book/record to plug, if there is nothing to entertain the audience othert than looks (it's why Dave doesn't have supermodels on), then he's going to put them on the spot.
Paris Hilton spent time in jail. Dave was fascinated by this. Who wouldn't be. Paris really didn't want to talk about her time in jail. Dave knew that she really didn't have anything else to talk about... and he ALSO knew that a camera whore like Paris Hilton wasn't going to stand up and walk off the show. She needs these interviews a lot more than anyone realizes.
Letterman realized this.
Watch what happened. It's why I have been a devoted fan of Letterman since 1982. He is simply the BEST!
FINALLY... someone shows Paris how show business really works.
Next time I show up I'll talk about Prison Break, 24, the CBS comedy lineup, Boston Legal, House, ECW, and Ghosthunters.
Not worth the wait. Not worth it at all. Ass.
For everyone else, the last time I was here I covered what I could possibly watch on Sundays. Yes, I'm doing TV recaps. Yes, I feel like a tool for doing so.
Yes, my life is this empty, but I actually don't mind. It's restful and there is, like, very little responsibility.
I'd also like to note that in Canada, you cannot get divorced until at least after your first year of marriage.
And I'd like to wish Trish Stratus a happy first anniversary... which was yesterday.
All I'm saying.
A note about the last blog and the EXPLOSIVE DEBATE between the quality of Survivorman vs Man vs Wild. Well, the Discovery channel started running Man vs Wild episodes and I had forgotten that he takes a camera crew.... or at least one guy, with him. So while Bear Grylis is running around the jungles of the rain forest or the artic HELL of Iceland, and talking about how nasty it is out there, he's being tailed by a camera guy who is going through the exact same shit, only while holding a goddam camera.
The Survivorman guy is all alone and reminds you of this every 5 minutes.
Winner: Survivorman
Couple of questions relating to the last blog... or column, whichever you want to call it.
1) September 27, 2007 2:17 PM: DewersXXX said...What do you mean you don't catch the WWE ppv's when they are on Sundays? WTF!?!
No! Ugh.
I have WWE 24/7 on cable. I pay $12 a month for it. The PPV's debut there about 3 months later. It's like the old days when the latest "Pro Wrestling Illustrated" would cover all the territory action (because in the early 80's, I just HAD to know how Junkyard Dog got revenge on those Freebird bastards for blinding him!) three - four months after the fact.
And... I'm just not feeling pro wrestling anymore. This Triple H is completely out of control. The writers are only there to scribble bad comedy segments. Vince thinks he and his family are the reason anyone watches. And John Cena, well he's likable enough, but there's no improvisation to him. Everything he says, no matter how energetic, is scripted. The only time the real Cena peeks through is when he laughs at being booed.
The WWE is a mess and they truly don't know this. Why should they? There is no competition.
What really bothered me was the show where Vince raged against the government and those letters Congress sent him. He tried to take the "us vs them" mentality and include the audience into it, trying to make himself the babyface in this upcoming battle.
Congress is after the WWE because wrestlers are dropping dead in their 40's, and one of them took his family with him. How the fuck is McMahon the good guy here?
I'll sometimes get a TNA ppv because of Kurt Angle. And fuck ROH. Fuck them and fuck these stupid net fags who worship them.
What about the return of Jericho? Well, I still watch Raw, but I change the channel more frequently then I used to. I'll certainly be interested in how they book him, and how he does in the current political climate, but I'm really wondering which Diva he is going to end up fucking on the road now that Stratus is gone.
Speaking of which, Candice Michelle, even though she looks totally coked out, has become a very good wrestler. It's amazing that she's imporved so much while Torrie Wilson hasn't progressed one iota in the... God, eight years she's been in the business.
2) September 27, 2007 3:12 PM : Nik said... You watch any of the Showtimes series? Weeds, Dexter, etc.?
Showtime... Showtime...
No. Well, yeah, but not really.
I do like Californication, (it's one of the shows I flip to during Raw. David Duchovny walks through the show with a smirk that says, "I'm getting paid to simulate sex. I'm a genius!" I like Duchovny, he's got a very mellow way about him. He's the type of guy who you want to sit next to at a bar and drink beer wth while watching drunk guys hit on women.
I also LOVED the Showtime series Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley's on-screen intervention session. But Showtime only had her for a six episode season, and then never re-signed her for another go-round. That's not a show, it's a fucking cocktease.
It's like meeting a girl online and cyberfucking her a while and then she refuses to advance any further. It's a rip-off.
AND Showtime had an ACTUAL mini-series called Debbie Does Dallas Again, which I talked about before in blogs past (and since deleted). Now that was a great fucking show - all about the porn world and in seven episodes we saw all the creepy dudes old farts, the creepy young directors, the seedy places where they shoot, and the mentally fucked actresses... all working under the Vivid banner, which is run by a normal looking guy in a professional setting.
But Showtime has this stigma where they keep saying, "Look, we are BETTER than HBO and we are willing to go there... we will go ALL THE WAY to prove that we are better than HBO!! WATCH US!! RESPECT US!! PLEASE!!!"
And their movie selection really sucks. Back in the 80's, Showtime signed a contract with Disnay and Paramount so a whole bunch of super cool movies ended up exclusively on Showtime. For a while there, Showtime was THE movie channel.
But contracts are made to end and HBO swooped in and grabbed all the contracts.
Can't get into Weeds, not very interested in Dexter.
Bring back Fat Actress. The show where Kirstie Alley's crackhead brother showed up and everyone ended up high on crack was one of the funniest things I ever watched.
3) September 28, 2007 4:57 AM: Anonymous said... You don't watch King Of Queens???
Well no. It's not on anymore.
Let's see, a fat regular guy is married to a really hot chick. If MORE hot chicks did this in real life they would probably be a lot happier.
Because no matter how hard they work out, no matter how many beauty spas they visit, eventually they hit the wall, and then they need their personality to get by. Scary.
If more hot chicks smarten up and realize that true love comes in all shapes and sizes, they'll be in for a much better life.
I have more questions, and I'll hit them over the week. I'm getting tired right now sooo, here's a pair of treats:
I, for one, am so sick and tired of
But here at
He made the following quote to Wade Keller in a very recent Torch interview:
I'm not going to bash Kennedy. I wouldn't know Kennedy if he came in my house and was scrubbing my floors. I don't watch the show and don't know who he is. I've read the sheets and I read what he said about Ultimate Warrior, which is absolutely ludicrous, because Kennedy, if he had the best counterfeit machine in the world couldn't print enough money during his career to compensate what Hellwig drew, period, end of sentence..
THIS HAS BEEN "
Oh man, that is the BEST! Even with counterfeit machine Kennedy will never outdraw the Ultimate Warrior! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
The man knows how to drive net marks BATSHIT!! HAHAHAHAHAAA
Second treat. Paris Hilton went on the Letterman Show last Friday. She was probably expecting the usual "Oh Paris, you're so great" type of interview... fluffy, harmless, and congenial.
Well, Dave was charming. He was friendly. And he wasn't RUDE. He told her how pretty she was a few times...
But anyuone who watches Letterman, or has watched him knows that Dave really doesn't care for guests who have nothing to say. If there is no movie/show/book/record to plug, if there is nothing to entertain the audience othert than looks (it's why Dave doesn't have supermodels on), then he's going to put them on the spot.
Paris Hilton spent time in jail. Dave was fascinated by this. Who wouldn't be. Paris really didn't want to talk about her time in jail. Dave knew that she really didn't have anything else to talk about... and he ALSO knew that a camera whore like Paris Hilton wasn't going to stand up and walk off the show. She needs these interviews a lot more than anyone realizes.
Letterman realized this.
Watch what happened. It's why I have been a devoted fan of Letterman since 1982. He is simply the BEST!
FINALLY... someone shows Paris how show business really works.
Next time I show up I'll talk about Prison Break, 24, the CBS comedy lineup, Boston Legal, House, ECW, and Ghosthunters.
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