One thing that always annoyed the piss out of me - and I mean when I was doing a weekly column that EVERYONE read - was when these web assholes would review a PPV, or even a regular Raw or Smackdown, and they would HAVE to mention that they had a ROOMFUL of friends with them. They couldn't just watch the shit alone, oh no, thats what LOSERS do... no, each and every week they would have a HUGE, MASSIVE, ORGY OF WRESTLING FRIENDS at their hip pad each and every week. They were... THAT COOL.
Of course, back then Rick Scaia bragged the loudest, one of the many, MANY exercises in bullshit and phonieness that made me want to skin him alive and spit cook him. He probably still does it to this day but I don't care anymore.
No, these days, its that little midget rent boy, Jason Powell, and he isn't subtle about it either. Oh no, every single chance he gets... because HEAVEN FORBID WE THINK HIM A MARK-LOSER... Jason will RAM DOWN OUT THROATS of the throwdown he has during EVERY PPV... during EVERY Raw... and maybe even during EVERY SMACKDOWN... Oh the parties he has... all his friends... call the cops... Powell don't run solo... oh no... he CELEBRATES... a PARTY HOUND.
All the time. The lamest was when he reviewed "12 Rounds" and AGAIN... had to mention that he went with a group of friends. I mean... who would go see that stupid movie anyway? And who could find anything remotely large enough to be called a "group" to go?
And the FAGGIEST move was when he bragged about ordering some JR's BBQ sauce for a particular RAW party... and he had his friends all CHIP IN for a bottle...
a %5.99 bottle. He had people chip in.
Now, the secret is that Jason's closest friend and DEFINITE commonlaw husband, Wade Keller, ALSO brags about HIS Raw parties... only Wade has to sit in another room to type the report while his "friends" watch... and Wade has to yell out for updates. Which leads me to believe that Wade and Jason are part of each other's party,,, but they don't want to admit it because it would seem fruity.
Listen, the only parties I think Jason Powell involve leather, clamps, car batteries, swing sets, and LOTS of JR's BBQ sauce with wrestling on in the background. I also think Powell loves cock, greasy assholes, and elevator shoes because he's so goddamm small that he needs every lift-help he can get.
I also think that it is the very HEIGHT of insecurity when you have to point out... time after time... about all the FRIENDS you have over the house watching a entertainment product that 90% of the world is ashamed of admitting to watch,
Get over yourself, Powell... you runty little dweeb. You're a short, flabby, humorless wrestling reporter. Telling your readers about the wild parties you have every Monday night and two Sundays a month doesn't buy you an ounce of respect.
You know whose lead you should follow? Pat McNeill's. He sometimes does a PPV review from a Bar. That's his idea, to watch a PPV at a bar and
No, I don't know if Powell reads this... I think McNeill does... and Bruce Mitchell stops by every so often... as does Keller.
Point is... there's no point in mentioning how many people watch it with you. It serves no purpose other than to get yourself over... in the weakest way possible.
Of course, I'd be insecure too if I had these stubby little arms that can't reach my asshole to wipe without a broomstick.
Anyway. New England has the most amazing weather in the whole country. Where else can you get 60 degrees one day and a blistering cold Nor' Easter with 8 inches of snow the next. Of course, being here ones whole life makes one sick of the changing seasons. Bring on Florida...
... oh wait, hurricanes... and daily rain... and Cubans... and drubnk hillbillies forever lecturing you on how much better they are. Bleh. BRING ON ARIZONA!!
Oh... heat so intense stores have to stay open 24 hours so you can shop without dropping dead... meth heads EVERYWHERE. BRING ON... ON....
Hawaii? Expensive, lots of Japs... and one good Tsunami away from total sea submersion. BRING ON SACRAMENTO!!!
Oh... brokest state in the union... earthquakes... expensive as all hell.
You tell me, where is the perfect place to live. We know it ain't anything north of middle america. Not that North Dakota was anywhere near my wish list, but since they were flooded out, and THEN nailed with a nasty BLIZZARD just for the hell of it.
And Chicago? Where you can drop dead from intense heat in the summer or intense cold in the winter? Not a chance.
And then there's Detroit, which was always our version of a third world country before things went bad. I recently read a story about a professional hunter who now hunts and sells raccoon meat in Detroit. Apparently, about a million people left this city over the past year and now wildlife roams downtown. And gangs/drug warlords/rappers/nothing white own the city these days.
Heh, Detroit suddenly became "I Am Legend". Really.
******
Today I thought I would do some Wrestlemania reflections and answer some comments.
And I know some of you were hoping for a Wrestlemania Mop-Up. HA! Eat me.
WRESTLEMANIA 25
-I have a small, douchey confession to make. I think I like the Pussycat Dolls... and I think Nicole Scherzinger's voice is amazing. I haven't heard a bad song out of her yet. I enjoyed her rendition of the Star Spangled America the Beautiful. I also enjoy watching her management very broadly yank her out of the Pussycats and make her a solo artist.
Money in the Bank: CM Punk vs Kane vs Finlay vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Sheldon Benjamin
Am I the only one who thinks there are too many participants here? Very confusing. They could have done just fine without Mark Henry and Finlay
Anyway, Punk won again, because they seem to want to keep him in a "you're THISCLOSE to a bigger push" phase but aren't quite ready to pull the trigger on him yet. Being the first ever two time Bank winner would keep in in this loop nicely without committing him to anything beyond. I mean, his heavyweight title run is practically eliminated from the history books already.
Oh, and then Punk is drafted to Smackdown.
1)Extreme Rules: Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy
-Matt Hardy ties with Shawn Michaels for "best fake tan"
-Matt Hardy isn't fat, but isn't skinny either. He's like Vince Neil today as opposed to Vince Neil 20 years ago... roly poly but you can't really see where.
-And he can cut his stupid long hair too. He can get just as much rat pussy with shorter hair.
-My problem is that they should have had the HHH-Orton style match and HHH/Orton should'a broke out the gimmick tricks.
-Matt is a tool. They should've fired him a while ago. And the whole "Internet Wrestler Grassroots Superstar" ploy just isn't impressing the management.
3) Inter-Continental Title Match: JBL vs Rey Mysterio Jr.
-For a guy who was more a Vince favorite then a seat filler... JBL went out in the best way possible. Very simple and effective. No send-off for him. He knew better.
-When JR said that UNLIKE Heath Ledger, Rey Mysterio is "Alive and flourishing."... well, say hello to a Vince McMahon special headphone classic. I doubt Jim Ross even knows who Heath Ledger is.
4) 25 Diva Battle Royal:
-So, two weeks ago Trish told me she was going to be there and said a Heel was going over. I didn't start grilling her about it because part of the reason why I've been talking to the girl for 7 years is that I'm not some asshole mark. SORRY, FUCKOS... BUT ITS TRUE.
Anyway, word going around is that she bagged out because she wasn't going to get to win. And that she was told Santino Morello would. This sounds pretty bad on her part, no?
Well, here's what I think. Despite that fact that she has the perfect image and anyone with a microphone or a computer screen tends to completely drool over her, the fact is that she does have an ego. She knows how pretty, how skilled, and how "over" she is. It's not a massive ego, but its an ego. She's not snotty. She doesn't generate a sense of entitlement, but she has an ego and does/says things to me which screams "Princess"
However, unlike everyone else, I explain to her what an asshole she's being and she apologizes... then does it again. But then I do the same shit to her and she gets all pissy... and here we are, 7 years later and still friends. So she's not too bad.
Anywhoo, I CAN see her looking to win the whole thing, and asking for it, but I ALSO think she would've been cool with being the last one tossed out by Phoenix or McCool or Maryse... so long as it meant something and it got a Diva over and helped the division. She would've shown up for that.
But when they told her that Santino would show up in drag and win the thing, well... Trish is a smart girl, she saw that all this would mean is a few weeks of stupid, mid-show comedy that did NOTHING for the Diva division that she worked so hard to build. What looked like a CELEBRATION of the women's divsion, and women's wrestling, was going to be a set-up to a jerky punchline that only Vince McMahon would find terribly funny... she got out.
The girl takes serious pride in her accomplishments, as which she should.
So that's why she didn't show up. And she knows what assholes run this company, she knows not to trust them. Lita does too, which is why she told them to fuck off too.
And, of course, it turned out to be a seriously good move. They threw the girls in there after Kid Rock's pointless, obsolete concert, didn't give anyone a proper intro, and wrapped the thing up fast. I KNOW girls like Molly Holly and Torrie Wilson were all like, "It figures" and "Thank God I don't have to answert to them anymore." But I feel bad for Tammy Sytch, who I KNOW must have been crushed for not even getting a single close-up. She thought this would be her major comeback moment... her big BREAK. Heh, she was in and out and the announcers barely mentioned her. She got all dolled up too. Poor thing.
-Tammy is the female Randy the Ram- live and for real. You realize that, right?
-One might wonder if they had planned on building the whole Battle Royal around Trish being there, and since she bailed they just bumrushed it. Possibly. But the end result is that a dude in drag was going over and they are going to keep him in drag and doing funny bits... and probably taking the women's title too. A Gerwitz joke just for Vince. That's why she bailed.
Plus they wouldn't let her win. The brat.
6) WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena vs Edge vs The Big Show.
-Ho hum. This could headline any PPV at any time of the year. It's the absolute, cut & dry, evidence that they have no one they feel is worth elevating. They have no new stars on the horizon and they better be ready to pay Kurt Angle big bucks this fall. They need him... badly.
7) Chris Jericho vs Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka and Ricky Steamboat
-Steamboat looked good. Mickey Rourke looked all sorts of rough. I bet he fucked Sunny at some point that weekend.
8) Shawn Michaels vs the Undertaker
-So this is what you get when two veterans with wrecked knees have to overcome a 8 man ladder match and a young Hardy Boy spotfest. They told a story. There you go. They tore the house down simply by telling a story... the kind of story that made us all fans to begin with.
-The only fucking problem was that the build-up was designed to make the Undertaker look like the Hero chasing the cocky Heel. They should have let him get a few shots in on HBK to make things look more level. We all knew where they would end up, its the RIDE that was the interesting part.
-Anyway, my guess is that Taker goes for 20, then retires. If that's the case, then let me suggest his final three:
XXVI: Kurt Angle and if they can't get him, Verne Gagne. Now I'll pay twice to see ol Verne shoot on the 'Taker... in his hospital gown with his tushy hanging out. Big money there.
XXVII: Triple H
XXVIII: John Cena.
-The stakes can only get higher now. He can't go backwards and work a WM match with... Kane again... or some other mutt.
9) Triple H vs Randy Orton.
-The McMahon's are not Faces. They are not good guys. Shane McMahon punches like he's afraid of hurting anyone. Vince has no idea how to relate to ANYONE... and Stephanie spent a couple of college years out with the scummy lemmings and middle class then ran right back to Daddy's well-protected shelter and stayed there... she can't relate either.
-Only Stephanie knows she isn't well-liked by the audience, and I think she reads the internet... because these days, she never lasts on TV beyond a few weeks here and there. I think she reads the criticism and takes it personally. I also hear she's a really nice girl... just sheltered and over-sensitive.
-But the point is, the McMahons wanted us to accept that protecting their HONOR... the FAMILY NAME is main event material. That we are all DEMANDING vengence for him kicking in Vince's head, or Shane's, or DDT Stephanie. Hell, a lot of the audience was cheering for him.
-And Triple H is still a Heel. Only we aren't allowed to treat him like one.
-Anyway, some final notes:
-The All Blue arena was annoying.
-You gotta love how JR and Lawler quietly made Michael Cole look horrible all shop long. It wasn't just a coincidence that Cole turned in an almost amateurish performance with those two pros on either side of him. They went to work on showing him up.
-Ric Flair's gonna be bald up top within 4 years. And he's gonna look like a FOOL!! WOOOOO!!
-No one seems to notice this, but Austin basically said he'll never be on wrestling TV again. No more guest refereeing, no more guest enforcing, no more cameos... nothing. I'm not sure anyone else realized this.
-HOW CAN JEFF JARRETT PUT OUT A 4 YEAR CAREER RETROSPECTIVE DVD WHEN THE BEST YEARS OF HIS CAREER ARE OWNED BY A COMPANY THAT WILL NEVER LET HIM GO NEAR THOSE ARCHIVES??? Fuck... the only reason he CARRIES a guitar now stems from his Country-Western superstar gimmick. And it was a GREAT gimmick too!!
-I think Trish MIGHT have gone to Houston anyway but her husband made a stink.
-And you know how they BRAGGED that Wrestlemania filled more seats than this year's Superbowl? Yeah, well... these assholes didn;t have to make room for A HUNDRED YARD FUCKING FOOTBALL FIELD WITH PLENTY OF ROOM OFFSIDES!!!!! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT FUCKING MORONS DO THEY THINK WE ARE???
Yeah, no ground seating available... about 3000 seats worth. What a desperate, lame, weak-ass company.
DID YOU KNOW that if the WWE was as much a massive entertainment bonanza as they keep saying they are, they wouldn't have to beg half-way dead networks to house their Smackdown brand??? They wouldn't have to prepare to re-unify the brands once and for all because no REAL network wants it???
Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of comments to catch up on and I really want to tell you this Madden story. But I have to go for right now.
The irony is... heh... I'm on vacation this week. All I did was laze about, and had some sex... lot more than usual. I could've posted a lot but I DIDN'T WANT TO!!
See... I did it myself... no one cares if I'm having sex... but I'm so insecure that I HAD to point it out. Fuckin.... web guys SUCK.
But I'm 6 feet... and hate the cock... and could grow out a magnificent head of hair with just a teeny tiny bit of hairline crop that looks like the ground is slightly radioactive.
Did I mention I love pussy? And I got a lot of action this week? Yeah!!
