Special Bonus Update
Jeff Hardy wants to take time off for a while. So as of now he's refusing a new contract.
You think he's thinking how nice it would be to take time out, then come back with a clean slate on his drug test score. Must be nice to know he can come back with those two strikes on his record erased.
Smart junkie, that kid.
First off...
Kai1616, I'm just dying to know what you've been up to and what was up with the cameo appearance a few months back. Get in touch. It'll be fun.
You know...
So just when I get a bunch of people telling me that Texas is the place to be, were I to move, Texas is talking about seceding from the rest of the country.
You boys got some balls, I'll tell you what. And a deep, inner confidence that blows your typical New Yorker right out of the Chili cook-off.
Typical New Yorker, "I'm from New York, greatest place in da woild, you gotta problem wit' dat?"
Typical Texan, "I'm from Texas. Fuck you."
Anyway, I want to continue this in more depth. Tell me where do you live and why is it great/does it suck. Not interested in anything outside the colonies, wankers... and I know that Canada has two seasons: Winter and Road repair, so you Canucks stay freezing and shush. Unless you always wondered where you would go if you were to take a run at living in good ol' Mar'ca
But for right now, I want to talk about something else.
Lemme tell ya somethin'...
Originally, I was going to save this for the end of what you're about to read... or glance over... I thought this was the centerpiece, the climax to the tale below.
It isn't, the climax turned out to be something else.
So here's the news. You know the story, the hard-core rumor that the reason Vince McMahon is so steadfast in refusing to acknowledge the contributions made by Randy Savage is because a long time ago, Savage seduced and fucked Stephanie McMahon when she was just a underage teenager? How he refuses to allow his name to be even mentioned because Savage crossed that one line?
Well, there isn't a single wrestler who was around the WWF at the time when this could have happened that knows if it did. No one has ever heard anyone within Vince McMahon's world mention it back when it could've happened.
Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Big Bossman, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Scott Steiner, Ted DiBiase, JJ Dillon, Flair, Bret Hart, Arn Anderson, Brutus Beefcake, Gary Capetta, no one had heard anything about it until it became internet lore. No one can confirm that it's a reason why Vince has banned Savage from any and all WWF/E considerations.
And given how Dave Meltzer has spent the last 20+ years making his living on locker room gossip, it would be very, very, VERY tough to sell this secret as being kept cold and locked away from EVERYONE especially this group of locker room politicos. We all know this.
But how do I know this? How do I know that the entire locker room of big name stars from the glory days of WCW have confirmed to never hearing ANYTHING about the Macho Man deflowering the young, underage Princess to be?
Mark Madden told me. And it was a shoot.
Stay with me on this.
MADDEN AMERICA
Gonna tell you a story now. A real life IWC-story.
One thing about Wade Keller is that when you buy into his website "VIP" area, you really get a lot of shit. Pretty reasonable rates, too.
One of the things you get is entry into his VIP Message Board. Yeah, I know, a message board. Whoopee.
So, in the two times I held extended memberships to his VIP area, I posted in his message boards under two names. The first time I ran under the name "Moses Quick"... and it became known that I was Hyatte. And I was an asshole.
Just being arrogant, and cocky, and condescending. I even had my own catch-word. I'd write "Factoid" whenever I agreed with something or said something that was the truth. Like, "Wade's a fruit who likes wearing really tight shorts when he goes roller-blading. Factoid!"
(True too. He does wear spandex shorts, DOES go rollerblading, and IS a fruit. And once told Sean "X-Pac" Waltman that giving up heroin must be a LOT like giving up coffee. Heh... someone go find that Midnight News piece for me. THAT deserves a reposting)
Anyway, I abused and was abused, as we know, there are a lot of loudmouths on message boards, and they didn't take kindly to me.
But one thing I learned, when you're fighting someone on a message board, they will use a LOT of adjectives and adverbs. Adjectives and adverbs makes dumb people feel 100X smarter. "Hey, lookit my intense, immense, horrifyingly, amazingly, intimidating vocabulary!!"
Mitchell liked me, of course, but that was about it. Pat McNeill is ever so amused by me too. Factoid.
But also on these boards was Mark Madden. See, Madden used to write for the Torch way, way, WAY back in the day, and since he's a big "star", Keller gives him a free pass in. (
(Wade's like that, a big cocksucker for semi-stars like Madden, Johnny Fairplay, and Ed Ferrera who occasionally comes in for questions and Lord help you if you treat him like anything OTHER then a major wrestling figure)
Mark Madden goes by the screen name "cornettefan" due to some inside joke that's too old and too long ago to explain. He only posts in Bruce Mitchell's zone (each Torch writer gets his own zone, except for the bad ones who get junked in "The Specialists" zone), and is only there to antagonize people.
Now, my first go-round as a VIPer occurred during and after Ric Flair released his book. Madden's big thing at the time was to constantly run-down his list of accomplishments, and rub it in every one's face that he edited Flair's book.
Sometimes, when he was in full-blowhard mode, he would take it a step further and take credit for writing the thing fully.. Other times in calmer, more reflective moods, he would tell a more truthful version of what his role was with the Flair bio, which was he would go over what was written and made sure Flair's deep carny talk was cleaned up for a more general audience. It was then where I gleaned a peak into Mark's true personality. And learned quite a bit about him, what made him tick.
Anyway, Mark's involvement with the VIP board was merely to put himself over as this mega-successful radio host, newspaper columnist, and former host of WCW Nitro and now editor of the life story of the greatest wrestler ever. He heeled on the board, the board went berserk and freaked, he'd giggle, mock us, and go away for a couple of weeks before coming back and once again write promos on this board telling us about how only he, Mitchell, and Johnny Fairplay (a friend of Mitchell and a rarely seen member of the board) were much better then us. He was living too high on the Flair hog to notice that Chris Hyatte was on the same board with him.
Now, why would he care about little ol' me? Not that I made fun of him in the Mop-Ups way back when. Naaah... it's when I made fun of his MOTHER.
See, from the Mop-Ups (and now that I think of it, I'm AMAZED Al Isaacs and NoSoul let me get away with this shit), to 411, to Inside Pulse, to the DOI, I occasionally explained to Mark all the deviant, depraved, nasty shit I used to do to his mother...
And then once, really sick time, right after she died, I paid homage by letting THE READERS tell Mark what THEY did to his Momma. It was a celebration of life.
I think the high point was when I detailed how his mom cooked me a meal, and how I ate it, then defecated a huge loaf out of it, then made his Mom give the loaf a huge blowjob! Jeeze louise, can't the guy take a joke?
Well, during a lull in VIP grandstanding, I guess Madden snooped around the board a bit and saw who Moses Quick was, and put two and two together.
Here's what he wrote on the Torch VIP section...
that pr1ck hyatte wrote some very hurtful stuff about my family in the past, and the family member in question is now very ill. satire is one thing. obscene slander is another. if slander laws concerning the internet weren't so vague, his ass would be in court. if he ever runs into me, his ass will be in intensive care. same goes for anyone who found what he wrote funny. discussing wrestling is one thing; lampooning an overblown ego is another thing; the stuff he wrote was unforgiveable. it was animalistic.
Then he wrote a private message to Bruce Mitchell and said:
Is that really Hyatte? The guy who wrote about making my mom have oral sex with his bowel movements? Get rid of him plz!
Mitchell didn't. Neither did Keller. Mark went into a snit and refused to post again until I was gone. Mitchell pretty much admitted to me in private that he was awfully impressed that someone was able to actually bully Mark off the playground. "I told Mark that he was out-bullied on the playground", said Mitchell, and then, because he is a schoolteacher, suggested, "There's a lesson for you in this too."
(What Bruce meant was that one day I might run into a bully who could outdo me and run me off the playground. And like Mark with me, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Bruce meant well, but he missed a major point: Madden let too much of who he was be known. He showed off his armor and dared anyone to find a crack to pry on. I always stayed quiet about who I was, and never let anything get to me.
Basically, Madden dangled a rope at the board and dared someone to try to strangle him with it. I just figured out where to throw the noose.
Bruce also paid me one of the nicer compliments I've ever gotten off this internet career. He told me I had a voice. A half blind, dead drunk shop teacher at a High school could count on one hand the number of compliments Bruce has paid to other wrestling writers in his life. Semi-high prise, indeed.)
Eventually, after a whole lot of yelling at people and a whole lot of adjectives and adverbs flying around (and a very interesting period where I let Trish piggyback on my VIP account and create her own screen name. It didn't last very long.), and after a healthy amount of time where I would cheerfully brag about running Madden off the board, I was finally thrown out of the VIP board, I believe it was for trying to start an online race war. (Remember the time Vince McMahon came up to Booker T on Raw and said, "What's up, my NIGGA??"? Well, that started a huge thread on the board about white men using that word like that and... well, you can figure out the rest.)
Time passed, I left Inside Pulse and found myself at Declaration of Independents. In my second column there, I believe on request of site owner Sean, I recapped the saga of Mark's mother and her stellar contributions to my various online career.
Mark threatened Sean with a lawsuit. To this day Sean reminds me how he laughed it off and REFUSED TO CENSOR MY BRILLIANCE, EVEN IN THE FACE OF A LAWSUIT!!
(so, of course, the prick edited me ALL to Hell when I tried to make a harmless few dozen jokes about Doug Gentry... little whiny bitch).
Time passed some more, I ended my run at DOI, ended my column writing days, retired to this blog, and lived miserably ever after.
Oh, and I rejoined the Torch VIP section, and their message board... a new man, a changed man. Moses Quick was dead and buried (and sometimes sneaks on AIM just to see who's around). CJ DelRay was born.
I think I've made it clear to you nice folks that my column writing days are over. I think I've also made it known that my days as a hard-core wrestling fan are wrapping up too. But I'm here, in this blog, every 7-10 days showing up and posting something and, without fail, the topic of wrestling somehow makes its way in these entries, without fail.
I'm not going to call it "the sickness", that's a term that unforgivable fuckface Dave Scherer used to somehow dramatize and elevate things. I just like to keep an eye on things in this business, mostly to see who dies next... and to be able to track the ups and down of the business against today's culture, and to see if McMahon finally gets himself into a shitstorm that he can't stare down.
And I like to voice my opinions, make my observations, and... and...
I wanted a place where I could talk wrestling, without turning it into a flamewar because Hyatte the Asshole was being Hyatte.
So I started posting again, focusing entirely on quality rather than quantity. I kept the sarcasm directed at the topic at hand, offered rhetorical questions, made witty remarks, made good points, pointed out aspects that no one else noticed, and ignored the blowhards. I learned to frame things so not to look arrogant. Rather than say, "Shawn Michaels is going to retire in two years, trust me." I would say, "It wouldn't surprise me if Shawn Michaels calls it quits in a couple of years." CJ DelRay was a model poster who started amassing a lot of "rep points" and private compliments.
(Rep Points: A Wade Keller exclusive. Posters are given the power to compliment particular posters with "rep points" for any post they find particularly good. It's a good way to track fellow posters and to filter the good ones from the bad. Yes, it is corny as hell. Of COURSE it is.
It's also pathetically addicting. And I started jonesing for rep points on each and every post I made. Fucking Keller... he won that round - won it HUGE.)
And Madden had made his triumphant return once Moses Quick breathed his last breath. Professionally, Mark was going through a rough patch. His Pittsburgh radio show was cancelled, or he was fired. He lost his desk job at The Gazette and had to start writing for The Beaver County Times, and TNA never called him up to replace Don West. He was humbled a bit, but he was free to fire away on the board.
And the Torch protected him. Keller ignored his flame baiting because he is a starfucker. Mitchell took it a step further and posted a perma-thread on the top of his board explaining that Mark had free reign because he was who he was, and because he was a personal friend. He also pointed out that once in a while you'll get an easy-going Madden who has a wealth of great stories from his Nitro days and that he'll go "tone to tone" with you. In other words, be nice to him and you might just get some inside info.
To me, I saw the belligerent Madden and the mellow Madden. And since I was being a model poster, but still with the razor sharp mind and gift for pointing out different perspectives, I studied the way Madden would use the same old lines to bait and enrage other posters. I noticed that mark would tend to get bored with the board activity and show up and say, "This board sucks, you people need Gods like me to liven things up. I haven't read a coherent thought from any of you losers!" A flame riot would start and Mark would disappear for another week or so. So I tried something different. I was nice and respectful and refused to take the bait.
The plan was to charm him.
And it worked, kind of.
This isn't a grandiose plan with a whopper of a pay-off. All I did was ask Mark questions whenever he piped in. Other posters went off with the insults and the flame throwing... I would ignore it and try to post stuff on the topics at hand.
I would also ask Mark his opinions on various sportswriters, trying to take him out of pro wrestling mode. And he'd answer all of my questions.
Again, he didn't know it was me. Neither did Mitchell. In fact, I teased Bruce a few times by asking him, "Figured out who I am yet? Wanna guess?" After a few weeks he finally caved and asked me, "I give up, who are you?"
I told him, and reminded him that I always said I could turn "babyface" on this board whenever I wanted. He was stunned. He didn't think I had it in me to be a regular poster without letting the "Hyatte personality" come out.
Anyway, just one time, just to make a point, I took Mark's bait and started fighting back. But I went personal and made jokes about how the only time Mark can get any girl to touch him was at strip clubs. "Do you got to pay extra for lap dances?" I asked. "Because there is more to you to grind on?"
Light stuff, but you all know me. I started following up on this path.
"Beggars can't be choosers, eh? And who begs more than you."
"I wonder how many strippers were able to put a down on a house thanks to Mark's wallet?"
"Over-tipping strippers, than going home and eating cheesecake all night, then coming online and telling us how much we suck, and then crying. Welcome to Madden's Saturday night."
"It's worth it to feel loved for 5 minutes, right Mark?"
That got him. Because he didn't nail me with a witty retort. He shouted, "SHUT UP!!" and then vanished for a couple of weeks.
When he came back, flaming and baiting like nothing happened, I went back to asking respectful, smart questions and generally left him alone. It was here where I asked about Stephanie and randy Savage, and he responded honestly. No one thinks its true. No one thinks its anything beyond a silly rumor. No one can confirm.
Anyway, things got quiet in the wrestling world, Torch board activity was light and boring, and I let my subscription run out again. Nothing much else to say here.
Except that I cracked Mark Madden, hiding in plain sight, the Internet Hooligan who he hates the most pulled gobs of nifty info out of him, and got him to like me...
And I made him show his ass, I baited him on his insecurities and, just a little, I left him with little to say other than "SHUT UP". For all his bluster, I made him cry. The insecure little fat virgin beneath came out for one little moment and then ran away.
And if I were the old Hyatte from years ago, it would be a Midnight News headline that I would drive into the ground for months. That I found Madden's buttons and mastered them. My last, greatest, (and yes, lamest) achievement as a Net God... to make Mark Madden my true bitch. My pet doggy that I could stroke or torture whenever I wanted. The last person to fear me.
But I'm not that guy anymore. So I held onto this story until now. Something to share in private with a few friends.
And maybe I'll go back to the VIP board one day. Safe bet he's still there, being a bully and hiding behind a wall of fat and obnoxiousness. And maybe I'll get him to bark for me again.
Factoid.
