About fucking time. I'll do more on this later.
Anyway, you probably knew this, but stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame aren't just randomly given out by a board. People must buy their way in.
Sure, you have to be a celebrity and famous, your name has to be recognizable, but... but...
What I'm saying is no one in Los Angeles suddenly decided that Vince McMahon deserved a star in Hollywood. The WWE decided Vince deserved a star in Hollywood and set it up.
Another joke in a long line on them made by that company.
And Jeff Hardy was suspended right on cue. Getting him out of there accomplished two things: 1) Told the public that the Wellness Policy means business and is legit and 2) Keeps a wrestler whose popularity rivals that of Cena and HHH nice and snug in the mid-card, where management wants him.
So what did I say I was going to cover this time out? Well, I'll do comments. Oh, and this... and that...
This:
My nearest Borders bookstore/cafe has some of the freakiest male employees I've ever seen gathered in one mainstream place of employment. They are all anorexic, with pipecleaner arms, and waists so small that they appear to be missing major internal organs. One of them looks like the younger brother of Twiggy Ramirez (HO, 90'S REFERENCE REPRESENT!!), the other one looks like a roadie for Fall Out Boy (he actually looks exactly like Alexander Lucard - skinny but thinks he's in great shape, long brown hair that he spends more time on then most girls, effeminent voice, quietly nervous around any true alpha male.
There's another guy who is a spitting image of known character actor David Morse. He's alright.
Anyway, I was in the place and was reading "Now & Then" (Robert Parker's never-ending "Spenser" series) when I decided I need to poop. I took the hardcover book with me, right past the electro-magnetic doorway that alarms up most of the hardcovers.
And the alarms went off. I still walked on in WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH and entered the stall and took a mighty dump. Wiped my ass with parts of chapter 4.
Upon leaving the stall, I found the little magnetic homing device on the book which sets off the alarms, but if I pulled it off, it would make me look that much guiltier, like I was trying to get away with stealing this book or something. Instead, I walked through the electro-doorway with the book raised high over my head.
(and yes, I thought about wrapping aluminum foil around the book to reflect the signal back at the source but... ya know what... I don't carry aluminum foil on me... OKAY??)
The alarms went off again.
So I walked out with MY HEAD HELD HIGH and one of the effeminent male employees (this one bald, short, and slightly chunky with thick, black designer eyeglasses) stood in my way. I wasn't looking for a mess with these people, as I plan on coming back there, and since it wasn't the fag with the long brown hair, I flipped on the ol' charm switch, told him "Yeah, that was me. Sorry about that!"
He said, "Oh, it's okay! But you saw that episode of Seinfeld, right?"
I laughed and said yes.
He means that I have to buy the book now.
I didn't. I boght another one, a cheaper one ("Fragile Things" by Neil Gaiman), and shoved "Now & Then" - a detective mystery/thriller - somewhere in the Military History section... just as a final "fuck you" to ALL metro-sexual/gothic cocksucking bookstore employees everywhere!
I was just in a foul mood that day. Generally I am easy going, laid back, and likable.
Oh, and if you find yourself in that particual bookstore and find yourself flipping through that particular book, and pages 140 and 141 are a bit stuck together... well, I also brought a copy of National Geographic with me and... some of those giraffes are kind'a fucking hot.
Hyatte 1 - Borders' Goth Revolution 0
Seriously, I should take pictures. I mean, these guys probably get more pussy than I do, (but I fuck them WELL, AND have the evidence to prove it.), but... really... I could snap them all like a twig.
And that:
So, now that I thought about it... I think Tony Soprano was totally whacked at the end of The Sopranos
ANd I LOVE The Shield, really LIKE Rescue Me, really can't stand Nip/Tuck, never watched The Riches, MIGHT get the Damages DVD, and... even though I KNOW its a good show and it takes a LOT for a big power player like Danny Devito to agree to be a part of the show... I just don't see myself ever getting into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
There's your long awaited FX tv show expose! HAHAHAHAAA!!
Seriously, I have all The Shield DVDs and watch them CONSTANTLY. Ever character is completely fleshed out... and the most amazing irony of the show, that the character we all lovethe most is the most corrupted, and really deserves to pay... and KILLED A GOOD COP IN THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE SERIES... is the truest, greatest headfuck in episodic television.
And Dutch... I absolutely LOVE Dutch. A cop who wants so badly to be an alpha dog, but will always be a beta dog... perfection.
I HAVE TO get more into this show later... like how the moment that made me a sicko fanboy occured in season three, right in the middle of the season... where they went there... any fellow fans should have no problem where there is.
Didn't like the season with Glenn Close... but they made up for it when they brought in Forest Whitaker... and it didn't take much for Vic to push that guy over the edge...
"Your wife tastes like sweet cream"... oh SNAP!!
"You corrupt everyone you touch.".... Yes, yes he do.
And okay... I look like a younger Vic Mackey. There you go.
Anyway, I KNOW I'm behind on old comments, but I want to attack some recent comments for a switch-up. Cool? Cool.
1) March 13, 2008 12:00 AM Anonymous said... I was looking forward to reading someone's half assed fake hyatte 9/11 theories though. B
I was too, and I would've also liked the obligatory follow-up comments like, "Who?", "What's a Hyatte?", "Missy Hyatt's doing what? A fake Missy is around?", I remember Hyatte, he's still around looking for attention?", "I stopped reading him years ago," "He was always horrible.", "Remember when he was worked by a fake Tammy Sytch ahd a fake Trish? What an idiot!", "I used to like him, then he sucked.", "I miss CRZ."
2) March 13, 2008 12:41 AM FLEA said... "than" my typical asshole self. cocksucker, Did Jack Smalls give me credit for inventing IWC lists? FLEA
No, but he DID give you credit for pissing on it so much that you threw it up for grabs on CRZ's weinerboard (Your new home... "Aww Shapiro, you are the new KING OF THE DING DONG INNERNETS, HYUCK!!!")so some loser named... umm... Something Canary took it over... and on his first attempt he got lazy, ran out of names, lost interest, and stopped at 76 and no one read it anyway. The whole thing, a great touchstone which perfectly time capsuled the height of this silly, silly, small cult we had going... thrown out and whored away.
Oh wait, no, he didn't give you credit for that. Your name didn't come up... as usual... HAWR
3) March 13, 2008 9:23 AM Bret Hart said... I enjoy the surly Hyatte.
Surly, you jest. Actually, who doesn't.
4) March 13, 2008 3:11 PM Anonymous said... Didn't Eric S also call you a pig fucker and an official piece of shit? And weren't his problems with you based on your attacks on Sean Shannon? Ahh those were the days.
Aww he just wanted my attention. He just wanted a hug. And some of the ol' Hooligan magic to rub off on him. He grew up too.
I tell ya, Inside Pulse is just ther black hole of creative suck. Sucks you dry, it does. Keeps falling apart.
5) March 15, 2008 5:45 PM widro said... plug my new site - www.fyrebug.com
I just did! Right up top... oh, you mean this other one. Isn't this Scooter's area? Plugging stuff?
6) March 16, 2008 7:06 PM WK said... Mr Hyatte, Be careful with your writing. WK
JUST as I was about to say, "Why?", it occured to me...
WK = "Wade Keller"
All lies, he wouldn't bother writing anything here. And he CERTAINLY wouldn't make public implied threats.
And if he was more careful with which asshole he shoved his wang into, maybe he wouldn't look like he was carrying the AIDS virus.
7) March 15, 2008 7:43 PM Eric said... God, all we need are random vague words dropped by CRZ and this would be like the old days.
And I'm sure that if someone brought this up on his board, he would post up an extra-longish dissection of how he didn't even know I had this blog. This would be followed by the obligatory comments much like, if not exactly like the ones I listed above.
8) March 14, 2008 3:00 PM FLEA said... I don't go out with the girls anymore. And I don't intended to marry. I just go out with the boys I adore. WEEE! I'm a fairy! FLEA apoetsayswhat? HAWR!
9) March 15, 2008 12:53 AM Joe Jukebox said... the above works better if you have "pop goes the Hyatte" in yer head
"Pop Goes the
I like how 10 hours later, Flea realized that no one would understand the song he was riffing on and had to repost.
This is the same guy who, not too terribly long ago, was marking out because he was going to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert... no, you don't understand, he was PSYCHED!!
Half the fucking band is dead.
10) March 13, 2008 9:54 PM Bruce said... I love the King Arthur/Merlin comparison. Still, I do think a "re-union" of sorts with Flea and Eric S. would be cool. You could consider Grut dead, if you want to play out The Beatles line of reasoning. The rest of us have had that thought for years.
So Grut is Lennon? I don't think so.
Grut is Peter Tork if anything.
And what the HELL are we going to talk about? I mean, I understand your reasoning... a reunion to RECAPTURE those crazy funky early 00's... but there isn't anything to talk about. And trust me, neither Flea nor Eric, nor myself would be able to sustain anything resembling weekly content.
11) March 13, 2008 10:40 PM richardrh said... Hyatte! I was thinking the other day, "its been long enough," i wonder if he came back. Imagine my suprise. As my grandmother would say, "I am tickled pink."
Your grandmother is one cliche riddled old fart.
Welcome. I realize it's tough to find me. A google search for "Hyatte" or even "Chris Hyatte" leads to years and YEARS old links, an Inside Pulse forum thread that's about 4 years old, and a MySpace page for some clown named "Chris Hyatt". Then there is George Hyatte, who is in jail for some really bad stuff.
Google is great when you really want to see just how irrelevent you really are.
12) March 18, 2008 3:14 AM Jeff Small said... Why all the SMALL hate, Hy-hate? I own you
Now, you see, I can totally see this as the real Jeff Smalls. A 411 writer is petty enough to actually post here and try to mix it up.
But then it makes me wonder if Smalls himself was the one who posted all those notes here about the shit he was saying about me. Why? Won't imporve readership... or maybe it will... HA!! SMALL AUDIENCE FOR JEFF SMALL!!!
I'll never know... allowing anonymous posting has its benefits and disadvantages... but I want comments, and people to speak freely. It stays.
I don't hate you, dude. I don't know you. How do you own me?
Web feuds... ugh, they died in '03
12) March 15, 2008 1:33 PM Anonymous said... Hi everybody! My name is JIMMY. And I think this is the "real" Chris Hyatte, because he's still funny and entertaining, just like Margaret Cho. Give me a Hell Yeah! Hey, remember when Chris wrote that Nitro Mop Up and told those jokes about Jews and Mexicans? That was funny! Just like Margaret Cho! Give me a Hell Yeah! Margaret Cho said, "Why do they call it NATIONAL Geographic when they show pictures of OTHER nations? They ought to call it INTERNATIONAL Geographic!" BWAHAHAH HAHA HA HA! Yes SHE WENT THERE! Seem it's not only funny, but it also makes you think. Because it's true. And it's funny, just like Chris Hyatte. Give me a Hell Yeah!
BTW Hyatte, I have a question about that old comedian you used to write with who told racist jokes. Al something-or-other. Was he real? I say No, but my older brother Tommy says Yes. Tommy also says that Black people don't really have whiter teeth than the rest of us, it's just that their teeth look whiter because of the contrast with their skin. And also, Black people tend to steal stuff. Give me a Hell Yeah!
JIMMY
Hey look everyone!! Someone's running a RIFF!! Talking about things from 2 years ago!!! And I think he's trying to work the retard gimmick.
I read this and wondered why drop the Jews in there when he clearly wanted to force me to look at the way I spoke about blacks way back when... when someone else made an excellent observation...
13) March 15, 2008 4:40 PM Tim said... Jimmy = Grut
Yeah, I see this. You might be onto something.
Wow, call Grut Pia Zadora and watch him explode.
Well Jimmy, if you have a problem with what I've said years ago, please take all of it, cut and paste it to an e-mail (you know ALL ABOUT cutting and pasting, being from 411 and Inside Pulse) and send it to my place of employment... under an anonymous name because you're too much of a pussy to sign it. Maybe you'll get lucky and I'll get FIRED!!!! Or maybe... more than likely, it'll be met with confused looks, a quick check to see if there is anyone named "Chris Hyatte" within my organization (usually, they just check payroll), and then forget about it.
Oh wait... you already did that, sorry Jimmy... I forgot.
You had your chance to fuck with me, Josh... you bombed. But please keep reading and keep allowing your buttons to be pushed without me even trying. It does my ego a WORLD of fucking good.
Man, if we were in prison you would be braiding my chest hair and blowing me with your toothless mouth. Your name would be "Meredith" and your Christmas dinner would be a stew made up of maggoty beef, brussel sprouts, toilet wine, and my shit.
And I'd make you re-enact "2girls1cup" with another manbitch.
I might make you buy yourself breast implants too.
Jeff Small, take notes: this is what owning someone REALLY looks like. That every word I write that even comes close to referencing him is met with a frantic retort.
"Jimmy" came back with another one... and mentioned "Jews" a few more times. Only Grut really ever talked about the Jews... but he wouldn't have re-posted once someone exposed him... so I don't know.
14) March 14, 2008 2:19 PM graydaloomer said... There needs to be a wiki based on what we know of Hyatte.
No we don't. Please. No.
What I like about Wikipedia is that someone created one for Scott Keith (possibly Scott Keith) and then a bunch of guys from the Scotsman's old site started posting a whole bunch of bullshit in his entry. Scooter freaked, went whining to Wikipedia, and they banned contributers from refreshing his wiki page.
See, I don't want anything to do with it. "CHRIS HYATTE USED RACIAL AND LOWBROW HUMOR TO RECAP THE MONDAY NIGHT WRESTLING SHOWS THEN GOT SCAMMED BY GUYS WHO ACTED LIKE FAKE DIVAS THEN OUTLASTED HIS WELCOME BY ABOUT 4 YEARS!!!!!!!"
Folks, I just don't have the time to keep an eye on this bullshit. Please, leave Wikipedia alone when it comes to me.
Anyway, GDLoomer listed a bunch of my past misdeeds, I thought I'd comment on them:
Some starting points:
He's a janitor: (No, never. Fibs and lies. And this is with the full understanding that there is nothing wrong with custodial work. Hell, do you realize that a garbage man probably makes more than YOU... and he gets every single viable holiday off. I'm not one of those either.)
He house sits (NO!! I had a job where I spent my weekends watching a state assisted apartment complex and MAN, the stories I could and probably will tell. Funny enough, I was on the phone with Gloomchen when I showed up 3 hours late for work and was flat-out busted by a supervisor. I'm pretty sure that cute little puerto rican girl who lived there didn't miss me. God as my witness I forgot her name.
I mostly remember that job for all the drunks I would drag out of there, for the straight residents who LOVED me, for talking to Tanya over the phone ((another tale that's very close to being told)) and for text-chatting with Trish every Friday late at light online over my phone, and she getting mad because it took so long fgor my messages to get to her through my phone... but you showed up every Friday evening for me, didn't you, Miss Thang! Yes you did.)
He has an unusual appreciation for getting a rimjob from his dead mother (Mom knew what she was doing... for a woman who had almost no discernable sex drive)
He is in the cartel of the Villanos (Oy, 1997 called, they want you back, my brother.)
He once called Doug Dillenger "Dark Chylde" to his face, and was immediately kicked off scoops (I left Scoops, and it had nothing to do with the AntiChrist)
Pat patterson once diddled a kid named shane. (hey, it's cuz of hyatte that I know this...) (Pat Patterson diddled a LOT of kids just old enough to give their consent ((at least I HOPE)), odds are at least one of them had to be named "Shane".... just law of averages.
But shit, no one else was making Patterson jokes. That was a goddamned GOLDMINED that had to be plundered.
He wrote 1 decent article, and everyone forgot about it. (ALL of my articles were decent... asshole)
He's not fat. (nope. Chubby? You bet'cha... I ain't in my 20's no more. I HAVE switched to light beer, tho')
He wants to pound anything that is remotely feminine in appearance (Actually, I'm quite picky these days. There is an upside to assuming you'll live your life alone. You don't get desperate for companionship.)
He keeps going on about a book he is supposedly writing. (Oh N-word PLEASE... when was the last time I mentioned the book? Yes, I'm still writing it)
He lives in Rhode Island (True)
He lived in Minnesotta, or some other midwest state for a little while (Nope, never. I almost visited Gloomchen for a weekend tumble but I called it off for a variety of reasons. Now I'm just seeing who gets divorced fiorst, her or Stratus. A true toss-up if there ever was one.)
He likes his coffee with a little bit of cream (Milk now.)
He was Dusty the whole friggin time (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Nope.)
He is the reason IWC is a term (I would NEVER try to add importance to this fucked up community by creating a name for it. Sean Shannon gets full credit.)
He is the reason Flea, and that no talent flea rip-off Grut, ever had any following (Yup.)
His funeral is still the best writing done about him (Yup.)
He killed IP (It's still alive. Of course, its been on life support since 2006, but it's there)
He killed Scoops (Al Isaacs silly idea of turning a profit by handing the site over to UGO killed Scoops. I just helped it by leaving and letting them rest their future on that spooze "Freakboy")
He killed 411 (Alive and kicking... with really bad site designs)
He Killed SCt (NoSoul's refusal to maintain any consistent form of new content killed it nicely)
He Killed Owen Hart (Aww Owen wasn't a bad guy.)
He did blow off of trish's ass (No, I would need a MySpace page in order to get there)
He's done drugs (Who hasn't?)
He doesn't care (Nope, not about a lot of things)
He's an attention whore (THAT'S A NO GOOD DIRTY LIE!!... errrm... ahhh... *cough*)
He hates all of us (nonsense)
He REALLY hates YOU. (No dude, just YOU)
He's into weird music (Oh I am NOT! Top 40 hits all the way, baby!! Just because I don't listen to fucking Queen all the time doesn't mean I'm uncool!! It just means I MOVED ON!!)
He has posted his phone number because he is so lonely, that even random fanboys
will do nicely (Heh... HA! Yeah, until around 2002, then I stopped caring)
Tony Schiavone once threatened to cut his balls off (No, he threatened to have me sued... then he offered to mention my name on Nitro... then he stopped contacting me)
JRs face is melting because Hyatte touches himself at night (JR's face is melting because he has to feign excitment over people he just doesn't care about anymore. You can tell when Good Ol' JR phones it in these days, and that is now most weeks)
The red stripe wasn't always there (I remeber Scoops, and I care)
Hyatte likes the vag (No fag me.)
He also likes the ass (Must be hairless)
and the nose (Only the large ones... which explains my fetish for certain ex-divas and why I let them treat me like shit)
and the ear (Wax makes for a nice lube... and only a precious few are equipped for the job)
and animals (sometimes, Daddy is lonely)
and vegetables (A good ear of corn in the right place can feel MARVELOUS)
and young men (Only in prison)
and old women (... that was a phase)
He started the comics section at 411, which IP later tried to mimic (Oh what the hell, sure!)
He is a fan of the Rock, he just hates to admit it. (Nonsense, one of the business's best entertainers... even though he often went into business for himself)
He once deleted the 411 forums. (HA! Yeah, I was a nightmare during that phase)
He regularly used Hal Jotsky to make really really--- no really bad jokes. (And Hal came through, often)
His hate of Canada is so fierce, he wouldn't bang Trish until she renounced her citizenship (Canada is good people.)
He knew that Missy wasn't Missy the whole time. (That's TAMMY, moron)
He wants to bang April Hunter, even if it meant getting some lovin from her boyfriend. (Husband now, and April is currently stuck in a long-term lease in Kentucky... ABANDONED after the WWE pulled out of OVW. It's a bona-fide greek tragedy!
But I'll always like April because she wrote this:
Hyatte...
Part of this business will always include dealing with critics. I tend to ignore it... or if it's honestly accurate, I'll use it as a way to improve. (I'm one of the few who believe that if someone buys a ticket, then yes, they ARE entitled to critique a performance. I do it every time I see a movie.)
However, since I try to hover just below the radar of most 'net writers (for the most part), when one of them spends considerable time on me, good or bad, I find myself resisting the urge to respond.
Chris Hyatte has been doing a column called "The Midnight News" for years at various sites. Now he's doing it at the Declaration of Independents (DOI) site which focuses primarily on the some of the Independent promotions that I work. I always liked Hyatte's stuff since his days at Scoops Wrestling with Al I. - they were the first "reporters" to ever interview me, actually. He doesn't take things too seriously and can be very funny at times. So when he started commenting on recent events in my life, I decided to write him to correct him on a few things, and thank him for cheering me up during some rough times.
What I found was a witty, sweet guy. I'd usually always dealt with Al before, not Chris. He didn't put up a front nor did he mark out on me. We ended up exchanging a few notes, then making a bet on something where if he won I would have to call him (if I won he would have to plug http://www.aprilhunter.com/ and http://www.jdmichaels.net/ for two months straight). He won. I honored the bet and called him. I only planned on giving him 10 minutes, but we ended up talked for about 30 minutes.
I have to say, the man is totally cool. Aside from JD, no guy has made me laugh that hard in a while. Very fun, very easy to talk to, very articulate, a real surprise. Iwas highly impressed and charmed.
And for those who are wondering, JD was right next to me the whole time. He got on the phone with him for a few minutes too.
Whoever ends up snapping him up will be one lucky chick indeed.
Go read Hyatte's "Midnight News", he'll entertain you. :-)
-April Hunter
Now THAT'S putting me over... take notes!)
He hates having his butt kissed, mostly because he is insecure with his own talent. (sigh.... yup)
NoSoul owned him once in a debate (WHAT???? THE FUCK HE DID!!!!!)
Sean Shannon was completely fake, made up by Hyatte to drum up controversy (You'd think I would've dropped that by now, if it was true)
He invented the Pimping part of a column, that all writers now use. (Yup... and is there a title that even comes CLOSE to the brilliance of... "But, Plugs"?
He Re-invented the wrestling news 7 years ago. (Yup)
He would totally do a ring rat (Nope. Some of them are henious)
He's alluded to trying out to do wrestling, but it wasn't for him. (Huh?)
He once bitch slapped a kid who had Cancer, mostly because he deserved it. (Jeff "The All American" Peters((?)) deserved it. I was just minding my own business when he just BLASTED me in emails)
Everyone who takes him on goes down like Jasmin St. Clair on a banana. (Yup)
He's still a tool. (Yup)
He's about 40 by now. (THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE!!! HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!)
He hates "rants" (No, I just hated people who call their bullshit "rants" when there is no actual ranting to be found.)
I'm sure there are more.
Probably.
I'm done, kids. I've spoke enough for a while.
But I want to leave you with something fun to watch.
T'was the 80's... where women were fugly and men were proud... PROUD of their skinny bodies and their tight asses...
And one cocky young man, decided to leave his money-making band and make a name for himself... SOLO!
He, of course, ended up bombing for 21 years before given a shot at replacing Howard Stern... which bombed even worse...
Now he's currently reunited with his old bandmates (most of them, at least) and watching his lead guitarist, maybe the greatest axeman who ever lived, get drunk and yell at his son for being mad...
The year: 1986
The NEW guitarist: The legendary Steve Vai
The ass: Tight and in spandex AND on full display.
The song: ROCKIN'
I'M TALKING BOUT IT.....
SHAKE THAT ASS, DAVE, SHAKE THAT ASS!!
And after that video came out, I spent a good six months telling anyone I came across behind a cash register: "Gimme a bottle of anything, and a glazed donut... TO GO!!!!!"
