I can already tell that this will DEFINITELY feel like outtakes from my old column then anything resembling a legit blog. And that's how I like it.
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New England: 24
Indianapolis: 20
And with that, this football season is a fight for who comes in second. In other words: It's over.
Meanwhile, the Red Sox did the right thing and re-signed Curt Schilling for one last year. I loved the weight clause. He has to stay at a decent weight or lose $333K.
I also love the fact that he negotiated this himself. No agent.
The Sox did the right thing.
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Okay then, What's up, my friends. How are all of you? Good? Good.
You know what movie holds up today, right now, even though it was made 25 years ago? 48 Hours. I swear, you can shoot this movie right now and it would gross $100 million.
Have we all seen this movie? I mean, it WAS 25 years ago and many of you were too young when it first came out. I mean, even the Great Old Hyatte was still just a little kid wondering why his pee pee was getting hard during Math class for no reason when this flick came out. I know I don't like watching movies that came out before my time.
Okay, let's assume we've all seen it. Why is it one of the greatest movies ever? Here's a nice list:
-It's the first "cop buddy" movie ever.
-It's Eddie Murphy's first movie ever.
-Eddie Murphy has one of the greatest opening scenes in film history. Singing "Roxanne".
-Maybe the role Nick Nolte was put on this planet for.
-Truly psychopathic - truly scary bad guys.
-Eddie. This movie doesn't have one joke in it. It's not a comedy and doesn't have anything intentionally funny in it. So why is it one of the funniest movies of Eddie's career? Because he SOLD that fucking script! He WILLED those lines to be funny. Not just with his voice but with his body language. The shit eating grin placed in just the right spots. When he said, "Come on in and experience some of my bullshit." He was practically breaking the fourth wall and speaking to us.
-Nick Nolte's feathered, blown dry hair.
-Nick Nolte got to chainsmoke through the whole film.
-You will never again get a cop buddy adventure movie where the white cop calls his black partner a "nigger" and "watermelon".
-That goddam station wagon that appears in EVERY driving scene. I noticed this when I was 20 years old.
-The fact that TWO COPS WERE SHOT TO DEATH in the movie and they treated it like business as usual. No funerals, no toasts, no outrage.
-Nolte got to sign out Eddie's prisoner character for a two day furlough WITHOUT PERMISSION and he never got nailed for it.
-Nolte opens the movie leaving his girlfriend all happy and she spends the rest of the movie on the phone arguing with him. Her last scene is telling him to "FUCK OFF" then slamming the phone off. There is NO reconciliation, no happy lovey-dovey ending between them. That would NEVER go down today.
-That also happens to be the realistic scenario. Your wife/girlfriend tells you to fuck yourself then slams down the phone, you KNOW you ain't going home for a good long while.
-The fight scene between Murphy and Nolte. Nolte did it himself... so when you watch the movie, focus on Eddie's obvious stunt double, who looks like a middleweight boxer, by the way.
-Nolte's flask, which he is always sipping from.
-Nolte's police captain blowing a major gasket at them. "YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, CONVICT!!" How that guy didn't have a stroke right there and then is beyond me. Now THAT'S a believable cuss out.
-One of the more violent movies of this genre and yet a surprising little amount of blood. Walter Hill (the director) knew what he was doing.
-"We ain't partners, we ain't brothers and we ain't friends. If Ganz gets away with my money you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!"
-"I'm already sorry."
-Nolte goes to one of Murphy's old partner's place to find info on the bad guy. A little weasel named Luther. Well, Luther takes a shot at Nolte... I mean he fires a gun at him. But when Nolte drags him to the police station and brings him to the desk, he says, "Charge him for resisting arrest, assault... I'll think up some more later." HE SEEMED TO FORGOT THAT LUTHER TRIED TO KILL HIM!!!
-And by the way, no one takes a cooler beating than Luther. I swear, at one point Nolte popped him right in the face.
-Billy Bear's black leather jacker and pants. 20 years ahead of his time.
-Eddie finds a gun and Nolte's too tired to take it away from him.
-And finally... Eddie Murphy's character, fresh out of jail and on his way back in, not only picks up a girl within ten minutes of dancing with her, not only gets to fuck her, but gets HER TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL ROOM!!!! Now THAT is talent.
They made a sequel but the problem with it is that they simply tried to rehash the first one with altered plot elements, but basically the same structure. No good.
What happened to Eddie Murphy? He used to be the funniest motherfucker alive.
The dream would be a 48 Hours deluxe DVD edition complete with Murphy and Nolte doing commentary... or some other sort of stuff like that.
Netflix this fucker if it's been a while. It holds up. Hell, if they threw in some rap as background music you wouldn't tell the age here.
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Speaking of black stars, I saw American Gangster over the weekend. Jesus, if you see Denzel Washington's name on the marquee, even if you have no clue what the movie is about... go see it anyway. The man does not know how to pick a bad movie. Incredible work.
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You know, it occurs to me that 5 years ago, NO ONE had ever heard of the spice "chipotle"... now you can't make a fucking bowl of cereal without adding some chipotle. Where did this come from and how did it suddenly become as big as salt?
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April Hunter, who hasn't spoken to me in a while and I don't see this changing anytime soon, has retired from wrestling due to serious back problems. So now she's in Louisville, KY training to be a manager. Now this is a girl who never left the Indies, wrestled until her body almost collapsed, and now is trying to STAY in the business by becoming a manager. She'll probably never LEAVE the indies either, but she's still going to try her best to work in the business.
THAT, my friends, is passion. I wish her the best. Nice woman. She actually called me on the telephone a few times. Straight up nice girl.
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Then there is the black girl whom I think I seduced. Here's the story:
I work with her, okay. Her name is Ham Slow but she likes to be called "Sunshine". She is 25 years old and goes to graduate school part time. She has Angelina Jolie lips, a gorgeous bubble ass, and a clean, white smile. And when she straightens her long, jet black hair, my head goes dizzy.
Anyway, she comes up to me one day last month in a tizzy. She has a college essay due in a week that she can't write. She doesn't have the gift, she doesn't know how to write words together in a compelling, educated way. A lot of people can't communicate through words. Nothing wrong with it.
So she asked me to help her out. The essay in question is a 6-10 page argument over the merits of starting a business from a formulaic approach or an artistic approach. What way works best? What way is best? The student is to include all of the following: marketing, distribution, stocking, location, design, etc... the trick is that they are to pick a side: scientific or artistic, and explain why it's best to manage a business from that side.
And she was stuck... so she went to the big, bald, white guy who is ALWAYS flirting with her. (She never responds other than to giggle and say "Stop it." Which I KNOW is just her being coy and friendly and I KNOW doesn't mean anything. I just do it to amuse myself, mostly.)
So I had some free time and sat at her desk and wrote 8 pages worth. I just imagined someone opening a small soup kitchen that specialized in good size cups people could drink on the way to work or back. I put it in a busy part of a middle class working town so you could deliver mass bowls to nearby businesses at lunch and be a nice alternative to McDonalds and BK and SubWay for the Lanscaping/construction/outdoor town wortkers.
By the way, I never took a business course in my life... I never even sat in a class. This was all from my own personal BRILLIANCE!!
The girl was so shocked with what I wrote... she hugged me. Ham Slow never hugged me in my life, but she LAUNCHED herself at me and squeezed. She showed it to various co-workers and they all agreed it was excellent. She sat in her office and wrote me a long letter thanking me so much for the paper and promising to make me a plate of whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
But the funny thing is... as weeks went by, Ham Slow acted a little different towards me. Her smile got wider, yet shyer at the same time. She started blushing more when we talked. She doesn't make eye contact too much.
Then one day she changed her hair... and I complimented her on it (gushed, in fact, but like I said, I'm just amusing myself now). Later in that day I was sitting at my desk with a few friends and Khaled.
(I'll tell you more about Khaled at a different time, but all you need to know is that he's rich, handsome, well-dressed, and a major poon hound)
Well, we were doing what all guys do during downtime, cracking on each other and accusing each other of being gay. Ham Slow wandered to my desk, just as it was my turn in the gay hole. Khaled (who knows I have a crush on her) asked me if I liked her new hair. I said I already told her it was beautiful. Khaled said, "And Ham Slow, what did you say when he complimented you?"
Ham Slow smiled brightly and started to blush deeply.
Khaled was loving this, "Did you say anything to him after he told you how pretty you were??"
Ham SLow was really blushing, so I stepped in... Captain Chivalry, and said, "Ham Slow, we both know where he's going with this. You better get out of here, baby before it gets any worse."
Ham Slow giggled and walked away. Everyone around us said, "OoooooooooOOOO", and Khaled kicked back and smiled, satisfied.
Later I asked him what exactly that was all about. Because it was obvious he was referencing some sort of HIDDEN MESSAGE/SECRET NOTE with her. "Have you two discussed me without me being around?" I asked. "Discussed my little crush on her?"
-"Of course," he said. "It's obvious you like her."
-Yeah, but I just do it to amuse myself, you know this."
-"Well she has a crush on you too," he said. "I was just trying to hook it up."
Of course, I blew it off and walked out like it was nothing... but inside I was amazed.
My writing, for the first time EVER, won over someone in REAL LIFE.
Now the question is... what do I do about it.
A crush is a crush... it means nothing, really, and Ham Slow is a black girl and she likes her flavor. I'm not sure if she's into vanilla yet. Plus I'm just having fun making her blush and giggly for the moment.
And there are other considerations.
We'll see.
By the way, she got an A on the paper. Hyatte fucking rules.
If you have to comment, do so. But I don't need or want your fucking advice. I'm the one who should be giving YOU advice. Not the other way around.
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Okay then. Here's something fun to send you on your way. Ever watch Mythbusters. Fun show on the Discovery Channel where two nerdy queens scientifically test myths and old wive's tales to see whether they are legit or bullshit. Well, on the show there is the prerequisite hot chick... who isn't all THAT hot but hot enough.
Well, to end things I'm putting in this five minute Mythbuster segment that HAS NEVER BEEN TELEVISED that asks the burning question: Do pretty girls fart?
My favorite part is when she loses her shit at the end. Heh... ironic pun... heh.
Over the weekend I'll do more responses
