But only one major snowstorm and one small one and a bunch of pain in the ass dustings that make everyone drive 25 miles per hour on 95 for Boston and Providence.
You don't care but I'll explain it anyway. Look at a map online, GO FIND ONE, ASSHOLES!! Rhode Island and Mass are positioned so we have the ocean south and east of us. So, here comes a big ol' snowstorm... well, it generally goes one of three ways:
1) Some system from the northwest pushes it out into the Atlantic ocean, so the gays at Cape Cod (Provincetown: the Northeast's version of San Francisco) get buried while we get a dusting to an inch. Sometimes the storm is shoved way out to sea, and SOMETIMES it is just nudged short of my area and it continues up the coast where it gains strength from the sea and SLAMS Maine/New Hampshire and BURIES those poor hicks.
2) Some system from the ocean cockblocks the storm and shoves it WEST. These systems are pretty weak so we get hit a little harder... 2-4 inches around, while Connecticut, and Western Mass (Worcesterish) gets pounded. Then the storm makes its merry way up North and Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine gets CRUSHED.
3) No system and we get slammed straight on. It happens. Then the storm makes its merry way up north and New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine gets JACKED!! All of us get feet and feet of white shit.
(and sometimes. Maine doesn't get jacked, or touched, these are very occasional, once in a blue moon happenstances. Trust me, if there's snow in New England, Maine's good for a foot.)
So its a crapshoot, but most of the time, God smiles on your boy, Hi-Weight and spares him the pain of shoveling. And reminds him to never move to Maine... EVER.
And that's the only really nice thing about Rhode Island. We get all the seasons. We get the cold, and reasonable amount of snow, about two months of beautiful Spring weather where you sleep like a baby at night, about 6 weeks of Autumn where you sleep like a baby at night, unGodly hot summers, miserably freezing winters, amazing leaf changes. We get it all... with no tornados, a blizzard every ten years or so, a Hurricane once every 20 years, no flooding, no mudslides, no earthquakes, and no typhoons. Mellow.
And boy did I giggle and laugh and thank Christ Himself when last week's blizzard went something like this...
And here was the National Weather Advisory update.
A major snowstorm is taking aim along the Interstate 80 and 95 corridors from Indianapolis to Pittsburgh, New York City, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C. and Richmond.
For people in the Ohio Valley states, from Springfield, Ill., to Columbus, Ohio, this could equal or surpass any single snowstorm of the season so far with some locations set to receive 6 inches or more of snow. Plan on slow travel, cancellations and postponements.
Enough snow and ice will occur over the central and southern Plains to create hazardous driving conditions.
Mid-Atlantic As disruptive as the storm will be in the Midwest and Plains, plan on "no travel" in the Virginias, central and southern Pennsylvania, the Delmarva and much of New Jersey Friday night into Saturday.
Much of this same area will get a foot or more of snow. Accumulations have the potential to reach 2 feet in some areas, matching or exceeding snowfall from the December blizzard.
Since this storm's duration will be less than 24 hours, snowfall rates may reach 3 inches per hour. Storm crews may not be able to keep up.
If you travel during the storm, you will run the risk of getting stuck on the road or waiting for your flight at an airport.
The intense snowfall combined with plunging temperatures and increasing wind are going to result in an all-out blizzard in northern and coastal areas with blowing and drifting snow.
Roads may go from wet to snow covered with near-zero visibility in a matter of minutes.
Trees and power lines could be downed in parts of Kentucky, northwestern North Carolina, southeastern Virginia and the lower Delmarva Peninsula due to wet snow and ice.
Farther north, the storm will just graze southern New England with a few inches of snow.
And I'm here to tell ya', we didn't get so much as a DUSTING!!! The Worst East Coast Blizzard of the last 12 years and I didn't have to brush off my car!
It aint bad over here. Twice a year we get perfect sleeping weather (warm enough to keep windows open, cool enough to use two blankets) for about 6 weeks each, we get ALL the leaves changing colors, 90 degree summers, 20 degree winters, and CRAZY events like 50 degree days right after snowstorms, and one time, in 2003, after a rather nasty winter stuffed with storm after storm after storm... we got a good sized, plow-the-roads snowstorm on June 1st.
Yes, June the first. Even our local weatherguy practically threw up his hands in defeat ON AIR and said, "What can I tell you. New England weather."
'Course, now I just learned that a SECOND monster storm will be re-burying those poor hicks in the Carolinas and Washington... and then it's heading right for yer Pal Hyatte.
Ahhh a couple of inches never hurt no one. Heh... HA... HAHAHA SO TRUE!! SO TRUE, GIRLFRIEND!!
Anyways, Rhode Island sucks in every other conceivable way. The state is broke, everyone's getting taxed to death, and the state is like in the top 5 for unemployment rates in the country. The fucking Rhode Island Italians.... every last one of them a moron...
... well, the Providence Italians, at least.
I haven't checked, but I'm willing to bet that the Rhode Island club scene now is filled with guys who look like "The Situation" and chicks who have "Snooki" hair. Trust me, some dago kid in Providence studied The Jersey Shore and said, "Yo man, that's FRESH, YO!"
Anywhosits...
1) January 22, 2010 8:52 AM... Bigly said... that is a rockin' ass...but I just don't get this Black Eyed Peas thing...or this Fergie Solo thing...rockin' bod yes....but I've got the internet for that fix...what's the hook...and I mean that...what's the hook on Fergie, besides the fact that she looks like she'd let you go ass to vag repeatedly.
Not only that, but I think if you get her hot enough, she'll tongue a hole that was never made to be tongued.
It's the voice, man. What can I say. She's in her 30's, her face just barely hits "cute", she grew up fucking Latino gang members in L.A., she had a meth problem, her body badly wants to be fat but she won't let it, and she has esteem issues.
But her voice is the most banging part of her. Girl can rap, blast, rock, and seduce.
And she's too rich for me. Hell yeah.
Speaking of rap. This dude Drake raps the following:
"It may not mean nothing to y'all, but understand nothing was done for me, so I don't plan on stopping at all, I want this shit forever man, ever man, ever man."
Yeah, why do I think the producers of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" may have a thing to say about how nothing was ever done for this asshole? Yeah, he really made it all on his own. All alone. No help.
Fucking tool. We'll see where he is in 5 years. Probably yapping on a blog about how he never got paid for nothing.
2) January 22, 2010 10:19 AM... Anonymous said... So why can't you do a pop-cult column, jizz-breath? And where's Conan going, ABC or FOX?
Conan's going to Fox.
And because there are too many pop-culture writers out there. Goofing on wrestling was a wide opened, empty field. It was a blank canvas with an audience just dying to read someone not take anything seriously about it.
3) 3) January 22, 2010 1:16 PM... Mike said... I like Fergie cause she looks like she'd do all the dirty things I wouldn't wanna defile my actual chick with.
Oh go ahead and defile her. She might just like it. You'd be surprised what girls think about doing and would with just the right push.
4) January 22, 2010 11:46 PM... Anonymous said... Do you really want to share the rest of your life with me? Or did you think we were just going to spend our lives together without actually sharing them?
Yup... I mean nope... I mean... WHO IS THIS???
5) January 28, 2010 8:06 AM... fbintx said... Hey Chris, My wife is fixing to have twins tomorrow. That'll make 3 daughters for me. I'm dreading teenage years. Gotta go shopping for a shotgun. Frank
Hey Frank, Congrats!! Now you and the Missus should make the following bets:
1) Which one screams, "I HATE YOU!" First.
2) Which one starts smoking first
3) Which one will grow the bigger boobies.
4) Which one brings home a black guy first.
5) Which one goes "Gothic" first (or is it "Emo" now?)
6) Which one sneaks out of the house midnight on a schoolnight first.
7) And, of course, which one gets knocked up first.
The good news is that girls are clean, non-fussy, and want nothing to do with you once puberty hits.
Welcome to Fatherhood!! Get that drinking problem started now.
I'm going to want to discuss wrestling somethime this week, so I'll be back.
What? When do I LIE?
