Consider this A: A reward for staying with me and B: Proof as to why I don't do this again.
"Hyatte Lives"?? Really? At TNA's London show? Wow, thanks, mate. More later, once I try to get confirmation. You know, someone sends in a report to Keller and includeds that little info and Wade actuaslly posts it. Sure, its bound to happen. Suuuure.
Oh, and Kai1616, its okay if you got nervous and changed your mind... just so long as because its for the right reasons... do NOT assume you know me... or know what I think... no one knows what I think... no chick I ever messed with knows me... oh, you all THINK you do... but you don't. No baby, you DON'T.
Most of you never bothered to try.
And since this could still be someone trying to WORK yer ol' buddy Hyatte (Grut, you insufferable spazz), this is the last time I discuss this. Please remember, Hi-Rate is by nature a very paranoid, distrustful man as it is... none of you really have a chance of getting me to put my guard down.
Anyway, bombs away...
THE ROYAL RUMBLE MOP-UP
(So how this works, since its been years, is that I recap the show, with the warning that there will be minimal, if any, actual recapping done. I start off hard, with TONS of jokes, then I realize I've been at this for far too long and I must sleep so you start to notice I recap less and less and miss more and more things. I call this: "Breeze Mode". Back in the day, I shifted to "Breeze Mode" somewhere midway through Nitro after going full-bore on Raw with regular pauses to jerk off and to play online checkers or other ways of procrastination. I fully expect to slip into "Breeze Mode" sometimes around the 15th Rumble entrant.)
-Traditional WWE pay per view video montage. It's the ROYAL RUMBLE!! 21 OF THEM IN ALL!! HERE ARE ALL THE BIG NAMES WHO SHOWED UP!!
-Macho who? Randy who? Never heard of him. And let that be a lesson to ANYONE who plans on deflowering Aurora Levesque 13 years from now!! VINCE DON'T CARE IF YOU DROP DEAD!! DROP DEAD AND THEY'LL GIVE YOU A TWENTY BELL SALUTE!! KILL YOUR FAMILY WHILE YOUR AT IT AND THEY'LL DEDICATE A WHOLE RAW TO YOU!! JUST KEEP YER COCKS AWAY FROM VINCE'S KIN!! NO DVD FOR YOU!!
-Then they sequed into shots of all the main eventers (what's the MIZ doing there??? Jeezus, who are they trying to kid) in that back alley personal videos... who has the PASSION... the FIRE... the WILL...
-They stop the video when Randy Orton shows up and jump right to his drama with Vince and Stephanie from last week... which is an AWESOME video package with GREAT editing... and also has the benefit of GIVING THE WINNER AWAY!!! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, WAY TO BUILD SUSPENSE, MORONS!!
-They just gave it away right there. And here I am, betting a g-note on Kofi Kingston. FUCK!!!
-That being said... Randy Orton COULD be the next Austin, if they see the writing on the wall and NOT super-push him as a super heel who rapes Mommas, shits in apple pies, and sends money to the Taliban. (Where's my thank you card, OSAMA!!!)
-Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are in "Someone fell off the rafters" mode and start eulogizing Vince. Cole has taken to shaving the edges of his hair to hide the gray. They say they don't know if Orton is fired or maybe they'll sue him. Can I sue them for giving us the Ultimate Warrior with a Muscular Body-Drawn Tank Top era?
-They said McMahon has a concussion. Backstage, Shane was seen running out of the building screaming, "NO, DAD!! I WON'T LET YOU PUT ME TO SLEEP WITH THE CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!! YES, THE DOGS HAVE BEEN LET OUTSIDE!!"
-Todd Grisham, whom could catch herpes on the cocktip and die in blazing agony and I would laugh myself to sleep every night until Jeb Bush gets elected, and Matt Stryker, whom I could care less about because only losers watch ECW and I... well, I am a loser but one who doesn't need wrestling on Tuesdays, inform us that they flew all the way over there to Detroit (THAT CITY IS STILL STANDING??? WILL SOMEONE TAKE A MATCH AND PLEASE BURN THAT BITCH TO THE GROUND ALREADY!!) for this one ECW match. Stryker giggles that they are both getting paid a bundle to call one match that can't possibly go over ten minutes. Then they get to hit the hotel bar and spend the night fucking rats with empty bottles of Amstel Light. This being Detroit, the rats will keep the beer bottles for that neato 10 cent return. NUKE THIS THIRD WORLD AMERICAN EMBARASSMENT!!! COME ONE, BARACK, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!!!
-Out comes Matt Hardy, who invests considerable online effort telling us how GREAT life in the WWE is. His junkie ass half-gay brother gets a world title after BOMBING... not just failing... BOMBING (the damn piss cup exploded) the drug test twice, and he gets to be a main eventer. The only thing Matt Hardy injects is cake frosting and he's jerking the curtain trying to take back his ECW title from some half-wit who SHOULD be bickering with sensie about sweeping Daniel-Son's leg.
-And out comes Jack Swagger, who looks like he should be bullying Ralph Macchio with unreal karate moves until some 100 year old Jap saves the day moving at the speed of maple syrup. He's the ECW champion. Stryker says he's a PROPER ECW champ because he's wearing the belt around his waist. Grisham is just happy he has the Raw announcers between him and the Smackdown team because he doesn't need to see Jim Ross stare at him and shake his head in disgust.
Matt Hardy waits for Swagger (like us, swagger SWAGGER LIKE US!!) and passes the time by logging online and checing his MySpace AND his WWE Universe page AND his Facebook... but he's not a whore for the Internet... oh no, he just checks in ONCE IN A WHILE... Bischoff doesn't KNOW WHAT he's talking about... only desperate... DESPERATE people like Tris... like Gregory Helms maintain a regular multi-internet presense to
-He IS a friggin' goof... a a porky one at that.
-Matt's pants pay homage to Billy Squier, his hair pays homage to any member of Skynard who had the good sense to go down in that airplane.
-See, Bischoff RIGHTFULLY called Matt a "friggin' goof" and talked about what is so obvious to anyone with half a brain. So, Matt begins his 2500 word retort with, "I've been busy and I REALLY don't have time to go online much so when I did imagine my surprise when someone told me that Eric Bischoff... blah blah blah WWE is great, Vince knows my name, no one laughs behind my back"
-I used to see this all the time, when someone says, "I just happened to catch wind of this through fourth hand parties during my ONCE IN A RARE WHILE, BLUE MOON VISIT ONLINE..." it means he googled his name for the 30th time in a day, saw Bischoff's blog probably twenty seconds after Bischoff clicked "post", and boiled for a good ten days before responding, so he wouldn't seem like a douchebag. And probably ate his weight in Fritos while stressing over this Internet feud.
-They lock up. This is for the WWE TV Title which is featured on WWE "Thunder" on Sci-Fi. Well... really... it IS.
-Matt tries to throw a punch. The ref won't stand for such EXTREME rule breaking. Matt shrugs, says, "okey dokey" and gets on his hands and knees for an amateur wrestling showcase. Swagga shakes his head, mutters, "No wonder you lost that baggy red headed gunkbag" and punched him clean. The ref allowed it. They don't fire Hardy because its just so funny to watch him get abused!!
-Hardy gets the match outside and starts punching. Stryker says Hardy's best bet is to make it a brawl because he can't HOPE to put his 10 years experience as a wrestler against the skills of this rookie greenhorn. Grisham was too busy handing his hotel room number to the cute black guy behind him to notice. (Oh like you can't picture THAT happening!!)
-Eventually, Hardy's man tit ruptured. He covered this by cradling his left arm. His other man tit started pouring milk. Much of the Detroit people ran into the ring with anything they could grab to fill up with some precious, and FREE milk. WILL SOMEONE UNLOAD A CRATE OF ANTHRAX ON THIS GOD-FORSAKEN HELLHOLE????
-Stryker called Hardy one of the toughest men in the WORLD... Grisham was busy texting naked pictures of himself (glasses ON!!) to the members of the "8 Mile Biz Crips" who were a few rows back. If the WWE was "Oz" he wouldn't be Beecher.... he'd be the asshole kid Beecher tried to save but ended up selling to Vern for a peanut butter jar of moonshine.
-Hardy went for the Crane kick. Sensie yelled "FINISH HIM!!" Swagger no sold the Crane and did a powerbomb and won. He smiled and said, "And I gave Elizabeth Shue the CLAP!!" And Swagger'ed off. Stryker called it a good match. Grisham was chugging the semen from the entire ninth row made for him. Somewhere in Jersey, Sabu was watching this (outside, through the window of a family who could afford cable.... and color TV... and electricity) and sobbed, "This is not ECW." He would later spend the rest of the night smoking tailgate fumes from cars waiting at stoplights.
-Later, Hardy sat on the steps and wondered where his life was going... and how would he spin this on MySpace ("I'll tell him its all part of a thirty five part master plan that will culminate with me challenging for the 2013 King of the Ring! BRILLIANT!!")
-Cole and Lawler are STILL in "He was found holding his toothbrush, he went down fighting the war against gingivitus." mode about Vince when they jumped to...
-Randy Orton ARRIVING... and they make it a point to show how he was SHUNNED by wrestlers as he walked in... yeah, but he was shunned by THE MIZ... and KOFI KINGSTON... and some Diva who he probably fucked already but only from behind so he wouldn't have to remember her face. Who cares?
-Meanwhile, "Cowboy/Ace" Bob Orton was hanging around and mumbling to Michael Hayes, "I still ain't sure I'm his Poppa. His rat momma ran LOTS of trains back in the day and Orndorff always did derail himself after only a few quick pumps."
-Everyone's favorite Rat/Diva (RIVAT!!), Melina walks out backwards for the paparazzi. She was reglossing her lips after double swilling a little "CM Spunk" and "Batistank"!... heh heh heh heh.... RIVAT!!!
-HOHOHOHO!! HA HA HA HA!! IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE GOT A LITTLE ADULT ORIENTED WITH THEIR RECAPS!! TOO MANY ASSHOLES THINK PG-RATED IS THE WAY TO GO!!
-AND JASON POWELL IS A PIECE OF SHIT!!
-Melina smiled and waved the the crowd, she is still the single most unconnvincing Face Diva in the WORLD! This girl is no goody goody... she should be a stuck up snobby HEEL... good lord.
-Out comes Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella. Santino is a goofy character full of himself, full of shit, and hilarious in his ignorance AND his pussy-whipped ways. It's about TIME someone got the Italian culture right!!
-Phoenix is called the "Glamorzon". She reminds me of Joanie "Chyna" Laurer. I wonder if her clit looks like a small, cancerous penis too?
-Beth is too powerful for Melina. Melina's hair stays in one, continous, mass. I find this fascinating. I lead a simple life.
-Ten years ago, I would go on and on about Melina's boobs. I'm older now... more seasoned... less lowbrow... more refined... now I just want her to lick my asshole out for an hour. OH, that mouth... that large, simian-shaped mouth... oh... god... get yer tongue in there... get it in.... yes, I had Taco bell for lunch, how'd you know?
-........ for a WHOLE WEEK all my comments section has been doing is talking about porn... PLUS MY HEART HAS BEEN BROKEN (AGAIN!!!) AND I'M FEELING A LITTLE BIT UNLOVED, OKAY!!! GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA'... FOR PETE'S SAKES!!!!
-Somewhere in there, Phoenix bent Melina's leg back and used her own foot to stomp her head. Oh why couldn't she make her give her own shoe a tonguebath? Stick the whole thing in there... then her panties... then... then...
-sigh.... excuse me while I clean out my keyboard... dammitallshit.
-The match was filled with botched moves.... obviously, both women have been studying Stratus's career.
-Melina scored the surprise upset win and no one could believe it. Backstage... heh... actually at home in, Virginia (?), Mickie James watched this and started to sob... and scream "NEEEEIIIIIGH." Then she went out grazing. And she found an apple and ate it. Her night ended on good terms.
-Backstage, Shawn Michaels was seen staring at nothing, possibly thinking, "My hair, my beautiful, luxurous, hair... falling out by the handful. Why is God such a spiteful PRICK!!" When JBL comes out and recaps their current storyline because wrestling fans are morons who must be reminded of things CONSTANTLY.
-Just as he was about to leave, the Undertaker showed up with some encouraging words about going through Hell to get to Heaven. Then they shared a line of blow about the size of a Twinkie.
-JBL comes out with HBK. Both men look DEADLY SERIOUS. CENA-MANIA DIES TONIGHT!!
-Cena came out, and the man who never served A DAY IN THE ARMED FORCES, but once made a horrible, retarded movie where he played a Marine, saluted no one in particular. Meanwhile, in a sort'a joke that has nothing to do with this, Mickey Rourke saw this from his home, threw the Asian hooker out of his condo, ("Ju still owe me MONEY, RITTLE HUNG MAN!!"), lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply, and said, "I pissed away an Oscar for THIS??"
-They locked up, and jostled with each other for position... then JBL waddled (100 pounds gone and he STILL HAS JIGGLE NIPS!!!) over to HBK and whispered something, possibly, "You better do more than just stand there like a lummox or I'll convince Vince to pull Shane Douglas out of Target and make you put him over at fucking Wrestlemania in a fucking SMILE MATCH!! You want some of that, rent-boy??" HBK shook his head in fear and started cheering his boss on with the FEVER.
-Cena almost ran into Michaels outside which lef JBL to attack. Michaels resumed his dour, sorrowful, THEATRICAL acting! At home, James Lipton spit out his split pea soup and shouted, "BY GOD, THE PATHOS, THE PATHOS!!!! Then he slugged down some more Gin and passed out in his chair. Old lush queen.
-Meanwhile, backstage, Pat Patterson was demanding that CM Punk explain what "Straight Edge" means.... for the 309th time. "What sorta' horseshit is DAT??? And how do yous get'cher hair so GREAZY??"
-For you, people... a PATTERSON JOKE!!!
-Michaels earned millions for doing nothing but stand motionless and look like he learned the Jews had it right about that Jesus dude while Cena and JBL did what they do. Cena kept going for his move that they can't call the FU because they think they can get high class advertsing by being the CLEAN TV show filled with guys who somehow manage to piss clean urine and JBL kept lumbering out of it. At one point he almost smothered Cena with his boobie.
-Then the ref went down, HBK got up, looked sad, and Superkicked JBL. Cena was all smiles and joy because he just wants to be everyone's buddy, and he got superkicked too. He rolled the outcold JBL on top of the outcold Cena and then lingered about looking doleful and pensive and guilty and miserable...
-... so much so that James Lipton woke up, gawped at the screen, and shouted, "LAURENCE OLIVIER WAS A TWITTERING NINNY!!!" Then sicked up three cans worth of Split pea soup and the gin. Later he could be heard roaming the streets of SoHo screaming, "MY FAVORITE CURSEWORD IS COCKNOCKER!!"
-Is that show still on the air even?
-Michaels finally left. Freddie Prinze Jr was backstage saying, "Damn, that's some fine acting!!" Meanwhile, his wife, Sarah Michelle Gellar is busy blowing every single Divorce Lawyer in L.A. so none of them can work for Freddie once she bombs him with the divorce papers. "Man, this was the biggest fucking mistake since I ended Buffy... or since that Canadian chick married that landscaper."
-Jim Ross grumbled something about the show being half over already and he's FINALLY getting to talk... then blasted us right into...
-Edge vs Jeff Hardy, the STORYLINE!! I actually needed to watch this because.... I'll blog on Friday nights... I'll cyberfuck someone on Friday nights.... I'll actually, occasionally, go out and SOCIALIZE on Friday nights... but I... I... I. Will. Not. Watch. Wrestling. On. Friday. Fucking. NIGHTS
-We see Hardy get hit with his own pyros and start falling all over himself. See, I KNEW that 7 year hard drug habit would come in handy one day!!
-Took me ten minutes to think up that line.
-We see Hardy and his girlfriend at the scene of his accident. The cop stopped writing notes and said, "Hey, I know you! Something ain't right here, though." Then he started checking his girlfriend for a penis.
-Out comes the Joker! MY GOD, HEATH LEDGER IS ALIVE!! IT WAS A WORK ALL ALONG!!! GENIUS!! SHEER GENIUS!!! HOLY COW!! NOW WE CAN GET "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN 2: RANDY QUAID'S REVENGE!!"
-Oh wait.... it's Hardy... dressed like a ghost. The ghost of Heath Ledger... maybe he's got a date with Mary Kate Olson later that night and she likes things... kinky?
-Running out of steam.
-Out comes Vickie Guerrero, who makes this a No DQ match. JR screams, "WELL THAT'S NOT FAIR!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!" Then forgets to turn his mic off so we hear him say, "Why is this faggot dressed like Steve Borden in the last stages of AIDS?"
-Edge comes out with Chavo Guerrero. "On this day, I see clearly, that Chavo sold out his familyyyy, for a few, thousand shekels, and a world title run that'll never come his waaaaayyyyy"
-It took about 3 minutes before Hardy FLEW. It took Edge about three minutes and two seconds before realizing he has to sell for a guy who weighs about 150 pounds and has a bloody ass.
-Chavo got involved early. He kicked Hardy and shouted to the fans, "TONIGHT, IS MY WRESTLEMANIA!!" I predict three more months before he's back to doing that "I'm a white guy" gimmick again.
-I like Edge. When Kurt Angle drops dead Edge will be my favorite wrestler.
-Because Hardy can't wrestle... actually WRESTLE longer than 5 minutes before blowing through his entire arsenal... TWICE... he tore the Raw table off, draped Edge on it, "You could hear Edge grumble, "Hurry up hoser, I can't lie here and sell all fucking night.", and pull out a ladder.
-Tazz yelled, "What's the ladder for?" Ross screamed, "What's the ladder for? Aw he's gonna paint his garage!! What's the ladder for!"
-Chavo got involved again. Edge shouted, "Oh fuck THIS." and rolled out and pretended to stub his toe and sold it. Hardy bashed Chavo around and draped HIM on the table. Hardy climbed the ladder. Chavo screamed, "TONIGHT, IS MY SUMMERSLAM!!" And Hardy dove onto him. And through the table.
-Ross, "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!! THEY KILLED HIM!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF" Then started openly weeping and cried, "Dammit Stone Cold, come back, I can't sell these fairies anymore!! MICK.... WHERE ARE YOU MICK!! COME BACK HOME, MICK!! LOOK AT WHO I HAVE TO PUT OVER!! NO WONDER MY SMILE HASN'T COME BACK FOR YEARS!!"
-Hardy and Chavo lied semi-motionless. Hardy took the break and tried to shoot up some of JR's BBQ sauce he had hanging around. Ross snapped, "Hey, gimme me that!! You numbskull!!" And took it away. Jeff started to swipe at the bugs crawling all over him. Dear Lord, of all the times to start crashing.
-Hardy mainlined some of Grishams' after-shave (You ain't high until you're AQUA-VELVA high!) and got up. He and Edge continued.
-Edge took one of the turnbuckles off and EXPOSED the metal!! In Florida, Kevin Nash spit out his Rolling Rock and shouted, "I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FOLLOWING MY CAREER SON, I DON'T WRESTLE! SOMEONE ELSE DOES AND I GET ALL THE MONEY!" To which his son asked, "Dad, who are you talking to? And why are you sitting in front of a blank TV screen?"
-Hardy took an Edge Spear and made it a Twist of Fate. Then he climbed to the top rope. Vickie Guerrero SLOWLY climbed to the ring apron and grabbed Hardy's leg. Jeff kicked her off. Vickie SLOWLY dropped to one knee then SLOWLY rolled off the apron and then SLOWLY fell down. Hardy looked down at her, shook his head, and said, "Would a Pilates class KILL YOU??"
-Sick of all this interference... all this low life chicanery on all their parts, Matt Hardy comes to FINALLY BEAT UP EDGE, GET HIS REVENGE, AND WIN LITA BACK!!!! (the girl does ass to mouth on the first date, you better BELIEVE he wants more of that). He's also there to make sure Jeff gets BACKUP!
-So he ends up chairshotting Jeff and Edge wins the belt... of course. Then Matt figured that HBK gets the main event for just looking miserable and pensive for endless, ENDLESS minutes so he does the same. ("Big money!! Triple H feud!! Cena puts me over! 2009 IS MY YEAR!! FINALLY!!"
-Meanwhile, backstage, Christian threw down his chair and shouted at Vince, "BUT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO DO THAT??? I LEFT TNA AND CREATIVE CONTROL FOR THIS!!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY TIME!!"
-Vince, after making sure the ink was dry on the contract, growled, "Change of plans! You'll be feuding with Fester right up until Summerslam! DEAL WITH IT, TOTAL NONSTOP TOOLBOY!!!!!" Oh man, Vince always wins.
-Todd Grisham talked to Randy Orton. Orton said his biggest worry was not cracking up tomorrow while he lets Shane beat up three professional athletes, including himself, and then gas himself out early and still throw some of the lamest, weakest punches in the history of fake, weak punches.
-And man, he wasn't kidding. That was PATHETIC.
-Rumble time. Rey Misterio came out. He kissed the heads of all the little Rey Reys wearing masks. I would kill for the day where some 40 year old 400 pound retard is waiting for him with a mask on. What would Rey do? HE'S A FAN, REY!! YOU GOTTA BE GOOD TO THE FANS!! YOU GOTTA PUT SMILES ON THEIR FACES!!! KISS THAT LOSER!!!!! KISS HIM! NOW!!!
-John Morrison comes out. Every 90 seconds, someone else comes out. Then Orton won. He's crossed over. Mega-stardom is just a few months away. He has now entered a place where only guys like Triple H, John Cena, the Undertaker, and Batista live.
-That's right, from now on, Orton gets a lifetime supply of clean urine from various interns scaterred all over WWE Corporate. BIG TIME, BABY!! SHOOT IT UP WITH A SMILK!!!
-NOW THAT'S A GODDAM RECAP!!!
-And I'm out of steam. Remember that part up above where I talked about the Breeze Mode? Well, it seems that I'm going to skip that part and go right to, "Fuck it, they got enough" mode.
-But I WILL say this Rumble broke the RECORD for number of times someone threw someone over the top rope, then TURNED AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT so the someone who got tossed can narrowly escape landing on the ground and scoot back up and get back into it. It's how Orton won.
-And for Chrissakes, it took the Big Show THREE TRIES to throw CM Punk out oif the ring and EACH TIME he turned his back and EACH TIME Punk slipped back in. I mean... LAZY BOOKING!!
-Man, I'm beat.
Good show.
Anyway, I'll come back with lots of COMMENTS sometime between now and when I fucking damn well feel like it in the mean time leave MORE comments and...
Oh shit, I forgot... the mainstay that came with ALL Mop-Ups... sometimes the BEST PART of the whole damn column. What would a Mop-Up be... what would HYATTE be without a good ol fashioned... CLOSER... And this one... in a tight race between "Across the Boards" and giving Hal Jotsky a phonecall....
I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
It takes a lot for America to want you DEAD!…
But by God we’ll FEED YOU FIRST!!
Been fo' EVAH since I did this… and it’s
The following are a list of final meals taken by inmates before they rode the ol' sparky.
Prisoner #778682… Angel Nieves Diax: killed 12/13/06 (Florida): Didn't ask for, but received the standard prison menu of shredded turkey with taco seasoning, shredded cheese, rice, pinto beans, tortilla shells, apple crisp and ice tea (Sad thing is, Diaz's last words were, "DIOS MIO, I AM JEWISH!! I WANTED MUTTON, AND CHOLENT, AND P'TSHA, AND LOKSHEN KUGEL, AND GIFILTE FISH!! DONDE ESTA MI GIFILTA FISH!!! Just to piss him off one last time, the Prisoners took him off the elctric chair and gassed him. God bless Florida.)
Prisoner #976… Larry Eugene Hutcherson: killed 10/25/06 (Alabama): Reuqested that he eat from the vending machine with family memebers. (Of course, he didn't tell his family members this little nugget, and none of them brought any change, so his last meal was spent yelling at his Momma for not bring the $1.25 for a god damn Payday bar. "NOT ONE OF YOU LOUSY BROKE-ASSES HAS 5 FUCKING QUARTERS BETWEEN YOU??? I'M ABOUT TO DIE AND YOU CAN'T GIVE ME ONE MORE PAYDAY!! Momma Hutcherson ended up feeding him Altoids she found at the bottom of her purse. Larry went out with the freshest breathe in death row history... so that's something.)
Prisoner #455 … Bobby Glenn Wilcher killed 10/18/06 (Mississippi): two dozen jumbo fried shrimp with tarter sauce and ketchup, two large orders of fried onion rings and french fries, one raw regular onion, six pieces of garlic bread, two cold 32 oz. Cokes, two 32 oz. strawberry milkshakes. Wilcher said his plan is to share the meal with prison personnel, but the prison commissioner said he won’t allow that. (One of the guards was heard to say, "We pissed in his Coke, took a giant shit in his batter before frying it, and I ain't about to tell what went in his tartar sauce, we ain't TOUCHING that sheeit.")
Prisoner #833478… Arthur Dennis Rutherford killed 10/18/06 (Florida): fried catfish, fried green tomatoes, fried eggplant, hush puppies and sweet tea. (CATFISH!!! HYUCK!! THE ONLY DING DONG FRIED CATFISH I KNOW IS WHEN AH THROW EMILY AND DESI OUT OF THE CONDO AND SPARK UP A DOOBIE AND PLAY A LITTLE FOGHAT!! HEE HEE!!! HYUCK!!!
And yes, he ate shoes that kids used to wear in 1982.)
Prisoner #546… Mauriceo Mashawn Brown killed 07/19/06 (Texas): fifteen enchiladas heavy with cheese and onions, onion rings or fries, eight pieces fried chicken and eight pieces bbq chicken, eight whole peppers, ten hard shell tacos with plenty of meat, cheese, onions and sause, four double meat-double cheese-double bacon burgers, a boneless T-bone steak with A1 Steak Sauce and a pan of peach cobbler. (His last words were, "I HOPE GOD STOCKED UP ON TOILET PAPER!!! WHOO HOOO, CHARMIN REPRESENT IN DA HIZZOUSE!!! It took the guards two hours to clean off the chair and the room when it was over.)
Prisoner #657… Alan Willett killed 09/08/07 (Arkansas): beef jerky, barbecue-flavored potato chips, onion dip, garlic dip, buttered popcorn, Pepsi. (before getting the needle, makes a statement “I did not get my Sour Cream and Chives Potato chips. I want the press to know this.” Rat bastard screws… probably ate them as he fried)
Prisoner #890… Christopher Swift killed 01/30/07 (Texas): steak, medium-well with A-1 sauce, salad with ranch dressing, cheddar cheese and bacon bits, baked potato with sour cream, two slices of apple pie, three large rolls, two cokes and one cup of coffee. (The guards confused his cheese order with another inmate so he got Nacho cheese. He knew this because as he was eating it, the prisoner a cell over was screaming, "HEY MAN, THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! GREATEST JOKE EVER!!! NACHO CHEESE!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!!!! THE WIT!!!! HYATTE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!)
Prisoner #778682… Aaron Lee Jones killed 05/03/07 (Alabama): Requested black-eyed peas, pepper steak and an orange-flavored drink. (When he got his meal, he shouted, "No, No, NO!! I asked for THE Black Eyes Peas to perform at my execution!! Then he spent the night screaming, "NO, NO, NO, NOOOO DON'T FUCK WIT' MY HEART!! I WONDER IF I TOOK YOU HOME, WOULD YOU STILL BE IN LOVE, BABY??? IN LOVE BABY!! I DRIVE THE FUCKERS CRAZY, I DO IT ON THE DAILY, THEY TREAT ME VERY NICELY, THEY BUY ME ALL THIS ICY!! DOLCE AND GABBANA, FENDE AND THAT DONNA KAREN THEY BE SHARING ALL THEIR MONEY I BE WEARING FLY!! They moved the execution up 6 hours. ).
Prisoner #976… Michael Lambert killed 06/15/07 (Indiana): declined a last meal. (He held his waistline up for RANSOM!! GET IT??? THE WIT IS BACK, YOU FRUITASSES!! HYATTE LIVES!! IMPEACH OBAMA!!!!!!!!!)
Prisoner #455 … John Washington Hightower killed 06/27/07 (Georgia): four fried pork chops, collard greens with boiled okra and "boiling meat", fried corn, fried fatback, fried green tomatoes, cornbread, lemonade, one pint of strawberry ice cream and three glazed donuts.("Boiling meat"... reminds me of the last time I had sex in a hot tub!! HO.... HIYOOOOO!!!!
Fried Fatback??? Reminds me of the time I got stoned and fucked a chick who worked at Taco Bell!!! HO... HEYOOO.
THREE GLAZED DONUTS!!! REMINDS ME OF... OF... of yesterday morning's breakfast.... FUCK YOU, THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS!!)
And with that. I'm done. I'll be back sometime bewteen now and whenever the fuck I feel like it.
Hyatte LIVES!!
Oh, and make comments.
Hmm... I'm debating whether I should... oh fuck'it.
Now and for fucking ever... and fuck YOU for throwing this away for some asshole... yeah, YOU...
This is Hyatte
