******
So douchebag here was outside doing work related things, and found himself on a nice, thick patch of parking lot ice.
He was wearing nice, black Nikes.
With his mind elsewhere (possibly thinking of y... OHH no, I won't give you the satisfaction), douchebag takes a carefree step. His left foot goes flying forward. As only ice on old, worn sneakers can do, his left foot FLIES forward.
The problem is, his right foot holds firm. It found its way on solid ground. It was holding fast.
So his left foot goes flying, taking half of his body with it. His right foot stays on the ground, so douchebag proceeds to do the world's whitest James Brown split.
Meaning, his right knee folds in on itself.
Now, douchebag, as it turns out, is pretty flexible, so no muscles were strained after landing on the ground, but his right knee's tendons were JACKED tight, jacked to points they were never jacked to before.
Douchebag's knee damn near imploded.
Doctor? Fuck you. This douchebag is a MAN. He knew nothing was broken, or he wouldn't be walking. He knew nothing was torn, or he wouldn't be bragging. No, it was just banged up. Oh hell sure, it was in BRILLIANT, WHITE HOT PAIN, but Daddy was gonna suck it up.
And I did! Three days and one all-nighter with an icepack, but it swelled, then subsided, it throbbed, then eased. I dodged a huge bullet. But I walked it off.
You hear me, motherfuckers, I WALKED IT OFF!!!
Not only that, but I fucked someone... someone MARRIED with the bad knee... while it was throbbing and screaming, and swollen... and I was on TOP... and from BEHIND... and I got her off... TWICE!!
This is why I rule in very small ways. Big picture wise I'm a rat-ass nothing... but in all these little ways, I'm sofa king cool.
But and interesting thing happened. Once the knee cleared up a bit, the ANKLE started bitching at me. "Hey asshole," it sorta-said (just roll with it) "Now that my bitchy neighbor up north is through crying like a fag, how about recognizing that I twisted myself pretty good while you were playing retarded ballerina!!"
So my ankle was nice enough to wallow in its endorphins for a while, then it started moaning. And a tender ankle is, in a lot of ways, much worse than a bad knee. It takes longer to heal, for starters... because you can get by without bending your knee for a while... your ankle is always holding up your weight. So I limped aboot for a week or so, letting things calm down.
And my sneakers were shot. Bought new ones, and some boots.
So... how's your year been?
******
So, sure, I know its all about Ipods now, and I am fast becoming this generations version of the weird old guy who still hunts down 8-tracks, but I recently reloaded, refurnished, restocked, and reoverhauled my ten disc CD changer in my car. It's a mix. Old fart music and new school.
1) Guns 'n' Roses: Chinese Democracy: I'm going to need a few weeks of listening before I can say anything. I'm not sure about this bad boy.
I will say that so far, I haven't picked up any monster, "Welcome to the Jungle", "Sweet Child O'Mine", "Patience", "You Could Be Mine", "November Rain" hits here. And I notice that radio is still sticking with the old Guns tunes rather than push any of these heavy.
I also noticed that Ax'ls voice has changed a bit. He sounds different. Might be the over-production, tho', but this ain't no youngster anymore. Probably part of the problem.
But goddam, this thing is LYRICAL. Ax'l just bulldozes through with the words. He's got a lot to say. And it's all aimed at YOU!!
That's what I always liked about him. When he sings, almost every song sounds like he's talking to one person, accusing them, blaming them, bitching at them about not understanding him. That's why the critics aways remark about how autobiographical his music is. He knows how to make it personal.
The disc has potential... now, he has to be more consistent and he MIGHT, just MIGHT, capture the new generation of listeners. Because the kids who work at Best Buy are still rolling their eyes at the old farts who sidle up to the counter with this disc in hand. "Dude," they say, "Why don't'cha pick up the AC/DC disc while your at it? It's over there in the Alzheimer's section."
Punks.
2) Rob Zombie: Best of Rob Zombie. Something like 16 songs, and maybe 2 of them are no good. The rest just DESTROY!!
And his cover of "Brick House" is just BOMBIN'... with whoever made that guest rap appearence. Some black chick. This one will stay in the player for a while.
DANCE FOR ME, LIVING DEAD GIRL!!!! Make some bitch spread her buttcheeks to this one. Yes siree,
3) TI: Paper Trail: Two reasons... three, really. 1: I need more rap in my life because if I don't, I'll submit to conformity and start harrassing local roch stations demanding my morning Zepellin as I listen to Paul and Al mock local Rhode Island politicions while wondering if driving my car off a bridge will really hurt. Then I'll also answer surveys whining about how rock is dead and thank god for the aforementioned AC/DC comeback.
(off note: Anyone else pretty freaked out by the fact that the fate of wrestling, and our hopes of the business evolving rests in the hands of a 60+ year old arrogant buffoon who just recently discovered - and fell in love with - those AC/DC kids? I mean, Eric Bischoff said Vince lost touch ten years ago. He wasn't that far off.)
2: My new inspiration is the following: "GOT EVERYBODY WATCHIN' WHAT I DO, COME LIVE IN MY SHOES, AND SEE HOW I'M LIVIN' IF YOU REALLY WANT TO! GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY, AND I'M NOT GOING AWAAAAAYYYY! SO KEEP ON CHASIN' THAT PAPER, AND KEEP ON CLIMBING, KEEP LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, AND KEEP ON SHINING!! 'TILL GAME ENDS, 'TILL THE CLOCK STOPS, WE'RE GONNA POST UP IN THE TOP SPOT!! SO LIVE YER LIFE!! OHHH HEEEYY" I don't know why, but it moves me. Plus, I think Rhianna is the new Whitney,
3: Easy... no honky on the corner has SWAGGA LIKE ME, SWAGGA LIKE ME, SWAGGA SWAGGA LIKE ME!!!! Sorry, pussyfaces, 'tis the truth. You HEAR ME, BITCH???
4) Frank Sinatra: One of his many top singles compilation. Because it has "My Way" and a bunch of other favorite songs.
And man, Sinatra was rap before the genre was defined. If the blacks never started rap, this would be it. Frank barely sings, really... he's speaking... and no one knew how to make his voice just part of the overall composition like he did. His trick was that his voice was just another intrument in the whole piece. No one does that anymore.
If only the guy wrote his songs himself. If he made them autobiographical like Ax'l, he... he... well hell, I don't know HOW he could have gotten any higher, really.
5) Fergie: The Duchess Deluxe: Same shit as before, but with her cover of "Barracuda" and "Party People" included.
She's another one who married below her position. Marrying some barely employable soap actor. She's a major league star. It's like marrying a guy who always looks sweaty and pissy and uncomfortable on camera. And ignoring your true love in favor for him.
"Fergie mothafucka coming straight outta california..." Booya, love this butterface.
6) Kid Rock: The first one. He sucks now, but that first CD was a STATEMENT!! And it has a goofy Eminem cameo.
7) Nickelback: The only one I own, forgot the name.: I know, I know... I don't care... because I LOVE YOUR PANTS AROUND YOUR FEET!! I LIKE YOU WHEN YOUR ON YOUR KNEES!! YADDA YADDA YADDA AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARRRRE, IT WASN'T THAT HAAAARD TO FIGURE YOU OOT!!!!"
Any song about being addicted to no good sluts is worth a spot on anyone's rotation.
And no, that is NOT an inside crack, relax.
8) Diana Ross and the Supremes: Greatest hits. All on one CD. "Baby, baby, where did our love go..." "Set me free why don'tcha babe, get outta my life why DON'TCHA BABE... You say that you don't love me, but you keep me hanging onnn."
PLUS her own hits... like "Endless Love"... and... well, I just listen to it and then spernd a few minutes fighting the urge to burn someone's house down.
9) Johnny Cash: The Man Comes Around : Because when Trent Reznor sings about his empiure of dirt, he sounds like a whiney douchebag. When Johnny sings about it... he sounds like a lost soul trying to seek final redemption. And I'm still miffed that MTV gave its Best Video award to that much too lucky rat Justin Timberlake when Cash put his entire life on that video! Fuckin' cocksuckers.
10) Eminem: Second to last disc. The one with "White America" on it. Just prepping up for his upcoming one... which should be wild.
And that's it... this'll carry me through the summer, I think. Now if only Pink puts out a greatest hits CD. That pseudo dyke has a SHITLOAD of good songs.
And by the way... "You were not there. You never were. You want it all. But that's NOT FAIR. I gave you love. I GAVE IT ALL. You WERE NOT THERE. YOU LET ME FALL!!
But so what. I'm still a net star. I got my net moves and I don't need you...!!
Ohh... check my flow... OWAA!!
Told you I'm going hard core faggy this time out.
""""""
What bothers me is that there isn't anything Obama can do overnight that will save us. And I think a lot of people expect him to save this country overnight. Like, by next Wednesday.
The truth is, things are SO BAD right now that we might not see any real improvements until next election. At best, he might be able to slow things down and let us all catch our breaths.
But still, the boy has got STYLE. And god DAMN, are people feeling rejuvenated these days. Like, hope is in the air and we're all getting high from it.
*****
The biggest loser in all of TV is Conan O'Brien. He's moving to Los Angeles to take the 11:30 pm slot only to see Jay Leno get to keep his exact show, keep it in L.A., and take all the big stars 5 days a week during prime time 10 p.m.
Conan is fucked, and probably enraged. If they weren't paying him almost more money than God can make, he'd probably be trying to get out of his contract.
The biggest winner is Dave Letterman. He was already the King of Late night. Now he'll get the ratings because Conan will NOT sell-out his style like Leno did.
The second biggest winner is Craig Ferguson, who is just so charming and likeable. Jimmy Fallon isn't impressing anyone. If NBC were smart, they would've hired Dane Cook. Because that guy would've brought in the college crowd.
And I'm amazed that Carson Daley is still on the air... looking OLD...
That's pretty much it.
*****
Now is the time we share. You speak, and weeks and weeks later... I answer. It's called COMMENTS... and its why you put up with me.
1) December 8, 2008 11:31 AM... Porn Valley said... Hyatte, Any opinion on the Jack Venice/Hanna Hilton situation? How about Janine's tax beef? Kayden Kross' duping a disabled vet & his family out of their home and facing the courts in spite of the fact she bangs So-Cal cops just to sway favors her way? "Agents" who foster the rape of their clients in the literal way, rather than just in the typical fiscal sense like Derek Hay and Shy Love?
And this is why you are my favorite poster, PV.
Months ago, someone asked about the "golden age" of porn and did we pass it. This is as good a time as any to roll on it.
Here's what's fun about porn, and has been since the 90's... or, really, since Jenna showed up.
Shaven, well kept pussies, tight, taut bodies. Clean, equipped, beautiful. That's the current porno star.
Way back when, when the only porn I saw was secret videotapes my friends had gotten hold of after passing through many a hand... porn chicks were flabby, bugly, HAIRY, and their hair was usually an afro. And it was on grainy film.
Well, video changed that, and someone said, "Hey, let's pay the girls to work-out and keep trim and go to high end beauty salons and let's make them look like Goddesses and top-notch movie stars and then show them fucking like bobcats."
There's your porn golden age, when they put effort into their bodies.
But porn is a strange sort of business. It only takes a few years for one wave of girls to vanish and another wave takes over for a little bit. Guys get their favorites and then WHAMMO, they go away and this new crop of chicks might not be to their liking... so guys stop paying attention for a while then they find a few new girls as the next wave comes in and start over. They vanish... because, well, let's face it... this isn't a nice business. It's a business that damamges girls who are already pretty much gone to begin with.
Well, SOME of them vanish. Kaitlen Ashley just left in 1997 and I don't think hasn been seen since. Others, like Jill Kelly, starts their own company. And others, like Raylene, does other things to assist the business (she started a real estate business)/
Like for me, I started paying attention and actively looking for movies with names like Jenna Jameson, Kaitlen Ashley, Sindee Coxx, Shayla LaVeux, Raylene, Alexa Rae, Jill Kelly, and Chasey Lane. Those were MY go-to girls. Well, now most of them are gone... or, in Jenna's case, blown out... or, in Chasey's case, completely cracked out.
Now, I only like a few of them. My NEW girls are Cassidey (with a bullet, LOVE that pig), Briana Banks (sick, sick, SICK, but also very pretty), Aurora Snow, Christine Young, Kami, Brittney Skye (who either looks totally coked out or fat and pudgy). And Janine.
Janine's going to jail for tax evasion. See, damamged. But why I stuck with her is because she decided to start doing guys... and...
And remember when I admitted to being afraid of Aurora Snow because she was so wide and threatening... with that giant chooch that seems bottomless? Well, Janine is the same way, but her chooch seems fairly tight. Janine just seems so INSATIABLE... like, you need to go hardcore and heavy duty for at LEAST 45 minutes straight before she even BEGINS to wear out. This girl doesn't seem to quit.
I remember watching a porno with her and Jenna. It was one of those stupid ones with Devils and bad makeup and hokey premises... well, Jenna and Janine were doing a couple of guys individually and Jenna stopped fucking her guy and looked over to Janine and said, "She's still at it??" Jenna was shocked. I think it was a shoot too.
If Janine can outfuck Jenna... what chance do normal assholes have? (heh, assholes.. HA!)
Other than that, I lovew Janine. She's beautiful even at her age (late 30's?) She's wild. She's stupid. She likes passionate kissing. ANd she's stuffed with tattoos. And every guy has eventually dumped her. One guy, Jesse James, dumped her pregnant ass for Sandra Bullock! And she's going to jail because she couldn't fuck her way past the IRS.
Porn is a beautiful business which is best viewed from far, far away. It's filled with beautiful people with serious emotional problems. And its the only place I know where the more you watch, the more decadent it has to be before you are satisfied.
Wrestling can look at porn and know it'll NEVER be the bottom rung.
Oh, and thank Christ for the Internet. Now you don't have to shamefully walk into adult video stores and buy your shit all the while pretending you are any better then the freaks in there already.
PV, what's Cassidey's story anyway?
2) December 15, 2008 2:40 PM... Hyatte's Dad said... Wanna know what happened to pro wrestling -- and why it'll NEVER equal what happened in the 1990s? It's simple: The stakes just aren't high anymore... and it shows.
In the 90s, you literally had two dueling promotions battling each other TO THE FUCKING DEATH every week on national television! WCW had a better corporate partner and more money, so the WWE responded by throwing as much crazy shit at the wall as humanly possible. And some of that crazy shit actually STUCK. It was the most creative, revolutionary period in pro wrestling history.
Now, the WWE has reverted comfortably back into its 1980-era mode, where it's a risk-adverse, carefully controlled corporate product -- in a company that spends a great deal of time investing in non-wrestling revenue streams. So they mail in their shows & PPVs, waiting for another Rock or Stone Cold to emerge. And in the meantime, it's frickin' BORING.
Damn skippy I'm right.
Dad? Sorry I hadn't stayed in touch after I blogged about it and EVERYTHING... but... well, after 15 years I'm sort of USED to not speaking to you.
ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY, ASSHOLE!!
In December, among the constant trashing of me, there was a small debate over what killed wrestling for most of us.
Dad has it right. Why WE aren't all that into wrestling anymore is that we've seen it all already. Every angle, every storyline, every joke, every turn, every feud... it's been DONE!!
REPEATEDLY!!
I think we've seen it all, too many times. They don't know how to surprise us. The WWE are too afraid to try something new, and risk the bread by which is buttered, and TNA doesn't have an original thought in its creative team.
RUSSO... I waited a'while before jumping on the Russo sucks bandwagon... but he DOES suck, and he sucks BAD. All I see is him repeating the same moves he did ten years ago. Only without the shock value he was given because this is the age of PG rated television.
But what really kills me about today's wrestling... from both companies... is how the treat women. Wrestling writes women the way they think we, the fans, WANT to see women treated,,, like floormats, like objects, like idiots. Wrestling writers hate women, and assume we hate women, so they write women like useless, stupid fucktoys. Constantly horny, fooled by Sarah Palin imposters, dopey little morons.
Lot of hatred for girl in wrestling. Because WE are supposed to hate them.
It ain't porno... but wrestling is STILL white trash... and we are just one more high profiled death away from watching the government really turn this shit upside down.
By the way, Shawn Michaels knows all this, why else do you think he's involving himself in these fascinating storylines that puts his dignity on the line? He's been seeking redemption for years of abuseing the system.
3) December 29, 2008 11:00 AM Anonymous said...
Big fat lonely Chris.
So very very lonely.
Owns all our asses
It makes him feel better
Oh bitch, bitch, bitch. You are axctually using POETRY to crack on me.
Ain't fat, and AIN'T lonely. If I was lonley I would've moved Tanya in. And I wouldn't have killed off Hank once and for all (long, LOOONG inside reference)
Poetry... what kind'a cumstain are YOU?
Go ahead, retort. No one but me will see it. Homo. Go run back to NPP and rip on Juice's World. Dick. I ain't gonna fight.
4) January 12, 2009 7:12 PM... kai1616 said... Two words - Wonderful Tonight
Well holy shit. What could you possibly want?
I mean, the last time we talked... umm... aren't you... I mean...
Fuck it. glorydogfu@yahoo.com It's my e-mail. It's been quiet since SOMEONE decided they were too special for personal e-mails. Go for it.
And thank the Lord you diodn't go look for friends I haven't talked to in years.
I would've also accepted "Chazz", "My this knife is big", and "Hyatte, make it better."
And anyone else can feel free to say hello and ask me shit on a more private manner. Not like I have a facebook (anymore) or a MySpace account to send me notes on.
First thing is, may tell people who you are? Some of them will recognize the name.
"wonderful Tonight"... ugh, what a dork I was.
5) December 18, 2008 11:42 AM ... Anonymous said... Mr. Christopher Guillaume, Your rent is due.
Who? You really think of me and picture "Benson"?
6) December 19, 2008 9:34 AM ... Anonymous said... Mr. Christopher Gatreau, Your rent is due.
WHO????
7) December 18, 2008 7:07 PM ... Anonymous said... His surname is Gadreau...or something to that effect. He mentioned it years back either on this blog or in a column. If he wasn't full of shit, of course.
NO!!! Barely close, but not really.
8) December 18, 2008 6:13 PM... Patricia said... Anon ^ You got his surname wrong, but yeah, it's due. Dr Jarvis - 411 is all about the Small but he ain't even showed up today. Eagle - Thursday is the new Saturday (for this week only). I try my hardest.
It is NOT due, but a lot of things are. And the HELL you try your hardest. Not even CLOSE, babe. Who are you kidding.
9) December 5, 2008 6:17 AM... Anonymous said... Someone who knows...and cares... recently told me the truth about Chris "Hyatte", the brash, forthright, internet force of nature. And if you knew, you'd be even more impressed. Remarkable.
Who has been talking about me? What fucking traitorous asshole has been spilling about ME? THIS IS THE CARDINAL RULE!! SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ME!!!
And let's get this STRAIGHT... A: No one CARES about me. This has been proven, time and time again!! and B: NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!!!
Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. DIE, DIE, DIE! Impress your ass, I run ALONE!!!.
Jezzus, fuckin' mouthy bitches!!
Pissed? You ain't EVER seen me pissed before. Why, if I had a column, a REAL one... I'd rain UNHOLY FIRE on you!!
....
... no I wouldn't. Promises were made.
No one cares about me. That's the truth. Nothing impresive about me either, other than who I can charm. That's it.
FUCK... seven years wasted. Thanks, babe.
10) December 3, 2008 8:59 AM... bill cosby said... "I'm going to put forth a new plan for this blog that you might like. Watch for it soon... like in a day or two. No lie, gonna make an effort here for you." So... what was the plan, O Mighty Hyatte?
It was to post more. Heh... heh... hahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHHAHA HO HO HO HO HO HEE HEE HEE HEE... BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Actually, I still may. You people have been MORE than patient. You deserve more from me. I recognize this.
11) December 10, 2008 5:00 PM ...Gloomchen said... I just got back from the doctor and he says I need stitches for that tear in my asshole. Thanks a lot jerk! I told you to use more lube!
Hey Gloomie, why don't you ring up your faggy "friend" Alex Lucard and ask HIM for some Astroglide. I'm sure he has a TON around... fucking closetted homo.
Honestly, since the past is openly seeking me out... Gloomie SHOULD reach out. Catch up on old times. Go for it, Summer. I won't bite.
12) December 16, 2008 3:21 PM ... Anonymous said... Don't you rag on Scooter for doing nothing but reviewing DVDs and other pop culture stuff? Seems like you're kind doing that too. Good review, makes me want to check it out, but I'm just pointing out the parallel.
No. This is Scooter:
"Oh man, 'Heroes' SUCKED. Can't wait 'till next week, man."
"Oh man, '24' RULED. Can't wait for next week, man!"
"Oh shit, 'Raw" SUCKED, as usual. I may not watch next week but, I will and we know it."
"Oh hell, 'House' RULED, man. Can't wait 'till next week."
Me, I try not to mark out for anything and, instead, offer a smart, unique perspective that will entice conversation and make people think. I'm no whore for pop culture.
I said this once I'll say it again. Scooter is like a 12 year old who writes like an academic. I'm an academic who writes like a 12 year old.
13) December 21, 2008 8:46 PM... Anonymous said... I can't believe you're still alive. -- guy who used to write at scoops who you've made fun of and probably forgotten about.
Hmm... Rich in KC? Freakboy? Josh Grut? Lemme guess some more and I'll...
14) December 24, 2008 11:09 AM... Jay Kirell said... Hi Hyatte. I wrote that thing above about being the former scoops writer that you made fun of and probably forgot about. Anyway, I found your blog yesterday and read a lot of your posts. I haven't read your stuff in probably close to nine years now. I had forgotten how seriously funny and entertaining you were. Sorry if I was a bit of a immature jackass with you back in the late 90s. It seems like such a long time ago. Anyway, sorry to ramble. Hope you're doing well. JK
Oh fuckin'... thanks dick, For blowing your wad early. I could'a got some mileage out of guessing but you HAD to shoot your load and reveal!
yeah, great, Jay Kirell. You were Grut before Grut existed.
Jay Kirell wrote for Scoops and was one of the first who tried to glom onto the Hyatte phenom, (and, believe it or not... LIKE IT OR NOT... I was a phenom... a loooong time ago) I abuse him, got all pissy, and told him to fuck off. I didn't like him.
Hello, Jay. Yes, I'm still alive. Blow me.
16) December 29, 2008 6:12 AM... what are you talking about? said... There was never a (good) blog here. You people are thinking too much about the man's glory days. Good times, long gone. He doesn't care anymore so neither should we. Post what you want about who you want when you want Chris. Fair play for being upfront about that, if not with broken half-promises about new posts. So... so long Hyatte. Stuck around to see if you still had it. Clear you don't. No hard feelings.
No hard feelings? Fuck off. What, in your little, mediocre head constitutes a "good blog"? Talking about my life? Eat my nuts... no one deserves to know about my life because you ALL would betray me and rat me out!! Fuck off. I'm not performing up to your sdtandards? Nuzzle up to my asshole! You get ewhat i give and sionce its for FREE, you better lick my balls and THANK me for not destroying this blog!!
(thank God I habve this on moderation. The comments on this alone would drive aa lesser man to suicide)
I still have it... just, this asshole ain't doing it for free no mo'... and DESPITE what people think, I am NOT doing this to recapture the glory days! If I did, I'd have a facebook and MySpace and would allow ass kissers to tell me how great I still am because my
"Clearly" my hairy, brownie asshole. I could go anywhere and restart "And Another Thing" just like that and it would DECIMATE everything else!!
Stick around cuntface, or go away and don't come back. I'm chasing the paper and will keep on climbing. I'm looking in the mirror, and motherfucker I am still SHINING!!
This monkey ain't dancing unless he WANTS to!!! Why else do you think I take two weeks before posting anything again. FUCKO!!
And finally
17) January 14, 2009 1:17 AM... Anonymous said... Didn't you make fun of someone once for writing in songs? Any chance its possible to dig that up and your reply on how to properly do it?- Fumbles, it's always been Fumbles
Sure, but then I'm adding something else.
Let's go back to a time BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY... before Youtube...
I had just taken a few months off from being online. I had come back GUNS A'BLAZIN' to 411... and I didn't like what I was seeing...
So, from my RETURN 411 COLUMN... The Midnight News: (April 14, 2003)
SOILED SHEETS (and a REAL song parody)
Actually, since I left, my Torch subscription ran out… I may get it going again, I may not… all depends on my mood. The last issue I got had Bruce Mitchell fuinally showing up with a long, VERY rambling column about… books or something… basically he wriote it to brag that he almost landed a deal to write a nasty WWE tell-all… (but, I thought SCOTT KEITH already took care of that? You could tell, Bruce was filling up the space BIG time… just writing something because he hasn’t written a word for the sheet for a while and felt he needed to.)
But I still want to discuss some stuff I’ve seen on the Torch… which, by the way, crashed harder than one of my pick-up lines over the weekend. I guess even the “eternal flame of wrestling TRUTH” can get snuffed out once in a while, eh? Heh, heh heh heh, HA HA HA, BWAHAHAHAAAA I STILL GOT IT!!!!
Anywho… about the Torch I can only say this: To Derek Burgan, you are a nice guy and I like you. You’re friendly, funny, and great to talk to. I believe you when you say you’ve never read a Mop-Up. You’re very cool.
But please… don’t ever think for a minute that… that… oh forget it. You’re too nice.
But Pat McNeil can go fuck his fat ass.
This guy, Pat McNeil, along with a meal, has never missed writing a column for the Torch sheet, not once in the one year subscription I had did he chill for a week. He was always there, always writing.
Plus every week, he wrote his two or three columns for the site. Every week, without fail.
Most people would say GREAT!! Most might say: Well, at least he doesn’t skip out of his web duties like YOU, Mr. Glorydog ASSHOLE!!! Yeah well, I got me a life… or some serious debts to society that I had to pay… look, YOU TRY WRITING A WRESTLING COLUMN WHEN SOME BROTHER NAMED SHANAQUO KWARM IS JACKING INTO YOUR ASS WITH A LITTLE 10W-30 FOR LUBE OKAY!!!!
Anyways… the problem with Big Poppa Prolific Pat is that he has never added ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE to his so-called “serious” columns. Every week, several days per, he writes and he writes and he writes and has NOTHING to say. Nothing fresh, nothing interesting, usually something ridiculous. The man brings NOTHING to the table. Nothing. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. This paragraph you just read brought more to your life than a year’s worth of McNeil’s stuff.
And that’s his serious work… when he tries to be FUNNY… you want to stick your head in the oven… which brings me to this:
Last year, before I was sentenced… I offered McNeil, and EVERYONE, some very simple advice on creating a great web column… I hoped that my track record allowed me such an audacity. To wit:
And by the way people... ALL OF YOU... please, listen to me on this one time. I know, I know... I suck and have no real talent myself... but please... heed my words this... one... f-ing time...
ahem.... SONG PARODIES THAT YOU CAN ONLY READ DO NOT FUCKING WORK
Get me? Song parodies are for RADIO... because you have to HEAR THEM... if you have to READ them... they are completely POINTLESS and totally the OPPOSITE of getting anywhere even NEAR amusing. They do not WORK STOP IT, YOU DUMB FUCKS!!!
Here's another one... ready?
ahem... MOVIE AND COMEDY PARODIES THAT YOU CAN ONLY READ DO NOT FUCKING WORK
Those are to be presented VISUALLY... on a SCREEN... with rassler's ACTING OUT THE SAME MOVES AS THE PEOPLE THEY ARE PARODYING. That is the ONLY way to make it work. NOT IN WRITTEN TEXT!! NOT AS A FUCKING SCRIPT!!!
Helps if you have a smidge of comedy IN you too... but not always.
Jesus... I have to explain EVERYTHING to you fucking losers
See? Calm, cool, collected. Just some friendly advice from the King to his wannabes.
Then I went away. And McNeil saw something on TV, came up with a “brilliant” idea, and decided: Screw Hyatte, the Torch fans will eat this UP!.
So he decided to “parody” American Idol and run a… what looks to be 20 weeks and counting bit called Internet Idol where YOU FANS… you brilliant, hilarious, funnier than Robin Williams on meth fans will contribute YOUR OWN WRESTLING song parodies and McNeil will judge them… him being the MASTER and all. The winner gets… well, I don’t know… the winner gets to be in a PAT MCNEIL COLUMN!!! Whoo fucking Hoo. Maybe they get a copy of his god-forsaken (and located nowhere near any legit bookstore) book? Who knows?
So it’s screw Hyatte, huh? Hyatte doesn’t know what’s funny, huh? Hyatte doesn’t know what the fans want anymore, huh?
Okay… then I guess I’ll just have to show the moron McNeil just what a song parody SHOULD look like… if he REALLY HAS NOTHING IN THAT LITTLE BRAIN OF HIS to put into one of his many columns that Wade would just DIE if he didn’t post regularly… then I’ll just have to one-up him again. Okay, Pat… you pushed me to school you in this arena too? Fine, you got it.
The following song parody is set to the great Bob Seger song Like a Rock. And yes, it’s about wrestling. You readers read this… and I guess, play the song on your stereo, if you have it… umm…. Or sing along in your head… I don’t know… I can’t offer any MUSIC TO GO WITH IT BECAUSE SONG PARODYS DON’T WORK ON PRINT YOU DUMB FUCK.
I hope you know the song… it’s used for those Chevy truck commercials.
Here we go:
Like a Rock
Triple H
Always number one
Wants to be famous
Wants to be McMahon’s son
He’s got a great body
Never made girls laugh and run
Like My Cock
He’s thirty five
Hated by the net
But he don’t care
‘cause he makes Stephanie wet
Never forced to
Be a black man’s pet
Like My Cock
Once posed for pictures
Doing things pretty gay
Puts steroids in his veins
Stays in the gym all day
He’s good looking and rich
For sex he doesn’t need to pay
Like My Cock
Like My Cock, Touching sweaty men
Like My Cock, Might have fucked a hen
Like My Cock, Aroused by Joan Chen
Like My Cock
In Twenty years
Hunter will be a blimp
Bloated and fat
The bad leg will make him a gimp
All those steroids
Will make everything go limp
Like My Cock
And will Hunter wonder
When he lies awake at night
He had it all
He did everything right
So why did everything whither
And shrink out of sight
Like My Cock
Like My Cock, Standing five inches straight
Like My Cock, Never kissed by a date
Like My Cock, Black guy’s ass was it’s fate
OH… OHHH
LIKE MY COCK, USELESS PIECE OF SKIN
LIKE MY COCK, GIRLS WON’T TOUCH IT FOR A FIN
LIKE MY COCK, LAUGHED AT BY OSAMA BIN
LIKE MY COCK, OH LIKE MY COCK!!!!
There… YA HAPPY NOW, DOUCHEPAT??? SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO???
Ugh… nothing ever changes on the net… never. It’s amazing.
Heh.
*****
So that was that. Pat McNeall turned out to be a pretty harmless guy too. Nice enough. He's reading. Hi Pat, say hello on AIM one day, you dickhead.
Pat's funny, he knows I am a Torch VIPer and used to go out of his way to answer my comments on his live little Torch radio show... but like his master, Keller... he refuses to, like, ACKNOWLEDGE that he knows.
One day I'll tell you how I let Stratus in on the Torch boards, and how she was very quickly chased away. I'll also tell you how I got Mark Madden to like me. He doesn't know who I am.
And Bruce Mitchell reads this too. Hi Bruce!
Keller reads it too, but he's too much of a pussy to admnit it. Gutless freak.
Anywhoo... While here I was thinking this was high-octane comedy at its finest, lots of you youngsters complained that you really didn't even KNOW the song. Which bummed me out.
But NOW... in the age of Youtube... for those who DON'T know the song... I can present the ACTUAL video. So you can, like, APPRECIATE THE GENIUS!! APPRECIATE, NOTHERFUCKERS!!!
SEE THE GENIUS, PEOPLE???? SEE????
Oh man, I am DONE. Enjoy MLK day and enjoy this monster blog. It'll be a while before I post again. Not TOO long, but lojng enough until I am satisfied that everyone who visits here has read it.
I'd make a promise but we all know how those go. let's just say I will try not to take so long between entries.
As far as comments go. Some days I'll moderate, other times I won't. Depends on the mood. Just make a comment. Odds are I'll let it go. You'll never know until you try.
And umm... I'm all out of secret messages. Sorry. Its your turn for a while.
It wasn't a waste of seven years, no matter how hard you try to convince me it was.
And... by the way... I DO appreciate you for sticking around. I WILL try to post more.
I promise.
;)
