Of course, I'm talking about The Shield and Boston Legal. Obviously, some executive uttered those very words above and pulled the plug.
What? The fuck did you think I was talking aboot?
(isn't there, like, a nice long confessional email coming my way? Aren't those things obligatory? Just wondering.)
This'll be a TV-centric sort of entry, starting with a show that won't be getting killed for a while, it just started... and it's actually good!!
So, who watches Fringe? I do.
Which is funny since I absolutely refuse to ever go NEAR Heroes and I will only watch Lost when the entire series, end to end, shows up on DVD and then I will watch it nonstop and try to figure shit out on my own in one fell swoop. But I like Fringe for four reasons:
1) I get the sense that the old nutty professor guy is some classically trained theater goon straight out of England who is just collecting a paycheck and having an absolute ball playing an old nutty professor guy. And yes, I am too fucking lazy to go look it up. I'm sure one of you will straighten me out with his life story in the comments.
2) So far I've spotted two former inmates of Oz and I'm just tickled that these guys are getting work. Dean Winters DEMANDS steady work, yo.
3) Joshua Jackson used to annoy the shit out of me, but the same sarcastic, arrogant, "I'm smarter than everyone else" bullshit he used on Dawson's Creek works here, now that he's all grown up. Of course, it's an added bonus that since he's playing more or less Pacey as a grown up, he's showing that he really doesn't have... like... ANY acting range. But the part suits him fine.
4) And finally... here is the lead actress, named Anna Torv:
And here is well-known porno chick Aurora Snow:
Dudes... they are... like... SISTERS!!
So now I watch Anna Torv on Fringe and just wonder if she has her "sister's" gaping twin holes...
(and brother... if you've never seen Aurora Snow in action... man... she is the first porn chick that I KNOW I would have no shot at satisfying. Just... black holes there... bottomless pits... you literally could drop your car keys in there and they WOULD be lost forever. She'd make a great drug mule. No swallowing necessary.
But I like Fringe and its slow turning grand storyline. And who is the bald guy?
NOTE: Now I'm going to go heavy into The Shield. If you didn't watch the show, or Boston Legal, I suggest you dump down to the comments part... or just go away, this blog ain't for you this time around.
Anyway, including the guy who created the show, there have been non-stop comparisons to The Shield and The Sopranos. Well, I'm here to say STOP IT!!
Jeeze.
So, The Sopranos was a character study. That's all it was. The conceit, and it was a genius idea, was to take the cliche of a generic Italian mob boss, one seen only thousands of times in thousands of movies, and examine his homelife. Its as if Coppella showed us Don Corleone having to go home and learn that young Sonny was expelled from another high school and young Fredo was caught jacking off to old copies of "Playboy" with his mother's panties as a tissue.
And then David Chase went even further and gave his Mob Boss panic attacks, therefore using a therapist to probe any and all guilt he may have for being such a criminal.
But The Sopranos was a character study. Other than Tony's weight, exactly what changed about this crew from episode one to the zap to black finale? Nothing, and that was Chase's best achievement, he wasn't looking to arc anything, the plotlines for each season were just a natural act of momentum to keep us watching. This show was putting a cliched character and fleshing him out to make him completely human, something that has never been done before.
If you ask me, the best thing about The Sopranos is that it changed the way mob movies should be made forever. Chase showed us how far they could go with this genre.
And again, it was just about peeling the layers of these characters and making them your next door neighbors. And once he was finished, he cut to black. Tony being whacked on camera would've meant plot development, a conclusion. This was a character study, and we learned all there was to know about these people. There is NO changing the Sopranos, it was just about who they were. And when David Chase ran out of different ways to explore the life of Tony Soprano, he went to black.
Now The Shield, on the other hand...
For one of my favorite readers "Porn Valley":
"I have every right to hose down my sidewalk. If a crack ho happens to get wet, that's life."
From episode one Shawn Ryan knew what the end result would be, maybe not in its full detail, but he knew the main beats. His greatest conceit, and it was in itself a genius move, was to spend seven seasons making us root for Vic Mackey, the guy who put a bullet in the face of another cop at the end of the very first episode.
When he orchestrated a massive money heist, ripping off the Armenian mob, which resulted in many people dying, we hoped he wouldn't get caught.
When Dutch caught a small whiff of his involvement in this, and slowly started putting the pieces together, we hoped for Vic to get Dutch looking in another direction.
And when they finally sent a near psychotic, obsessed bulldog of a Internal Affairs Officer after him, we couldn't wait to see Vic slap him down.
The hero of the series was the dirtiest cop to ever be televised... that was the beauty of The Shield, and that's the ONLY way its related to The Sopranos.
But The Shield isn't a character study, it's a seven volume novel. I'm watching the whole series right now, currently halfway through the Glenn Close season, and by watching it as one continual series, you can see the build up. This show started with all its characters locked down tight, what this show was about was PLOT. It was 100% plot driven, one episode bled into the next, one season evolved into the next. Every character got a storyline, every plotline served a greater purpose, and everything... fucking EVERYTHING had repercussions.
In a way, The Shield is a lot like the Harry Potter books. one giant story broken down in seven parts. Never looking back, never stopping, never stagnating.
Oh sure, some arcs ended early, but that's just because Shawn Ryan needed all his eggs centered around Vic Mackey and his Strike Team as he headed towards the finish line. Julian, the deeply closeted, deeply religious black cop spent three seasons fighting off his gay tendencies and ignoring the fact that he couldn't... there wasn't much more they could do with him on that end so they ended his part by placing his moral codes up against Mackey's lack of.
David Aceveda, the brilliant politician, wishy washy Police Captain, and plain mediocre cop, his true arc started in season three (forced to mouthfuck a crack head in a scene that made even ME drop my fucking jaw and say, "Holy shit, they let that get on CABLE TV???), which evolved to a disturbing progression in season four where he started paying a high-end call girl to indulge his hardcore rough sex fetishes, which tied into the last two seasons where he had to save his political career when Mackey got a hold of a picture of Aceveda with said crackhead cock in his mouth.
It all progresses.
Anyway, the people didn't change, but the relationships did, and none more sever then the one between Vic and Shane. These guys started out the very best of friends, brothers beyond the badge, and true partners in crime, and because of a girl... a GIRL... oh, and a grenade in the lap of the one guy on the Strike team that was actually 100% decent.
Vic's mistake is that he thought Shane could always be controlled. Shane's mistake was that he thought he could do what Vic does. Shane's wife thought he didn't need Vic.
And just to drive this point home, they gave us one last conversation between the two where Shane tried to fuck with Vic's head with one last blackmail attempt. Vic proved to be one step ahead again by laughing at him and bragging about signing a full immunity contract with the Feds. Shane got mad and tried to enrage Vic by bragging about how Vic's wife was helping the police catch him. Rather then go off, Vic absorbed it, kept his cool, and promised Shane that while Daddy was i prison, he would take his son to Disneyland every year and tell him all about what a fuck-up his father was.
And it was Shane who freaked out. He tried to out-Vic the master and lost... so badly that he chose a murder-suicide (and yeah, Ryan says he got the idea from Chris Benoit) over Vic's scenario. Watch the first five seasons, it was always Vic and Shane first. To have it end like this, a natural dissolution.
And it wasn't the first time Shane tried things on his own. In season four, with the Strike team disbanded, Shane tried to Mackey it up against an OG drug lord named Antwon Mitchell, and ended up with a dead girl killed by his gun. Mackey needed to bail him out. Foreshadowing.
This show, The Shield, was like a stack of dominoes, in season one a piece was pushed. And they never stopped falling.
But the last show... no zap to black here, things demanded an ending, we deserved an ending, and we got it... huge...
First of all, the best actors on this show (and god damn they were all brilliant), wasn't Michael Chiklis. Wasn't Dutch (although he was a fucking great character... better then everyone else but not as good as he thought, and more fragile then he ever let on... the beta dog who thought he was an alpha). And it wasn't Benito Martinez (although it is fun hearing the DVD commentary of him and Shawn Ryan talk over his blowjob scene as if they were watching him shop for groceries. Amazingly awkward) either. No, the two best actors were Walt Goggins, Shane... who proved it for the last three seasons... and CCH Pounder, who was given two major scenes in the last show which just slammed home the fact for us.
It was Claudette who HAD to be the one to show Vic what his final legacy as a cop would be. It was Claudette who HAD to confront Vic. She was the only good cop pure enough, righteous enough, and strong enough to give up the final showdown against the dirtiest cop on TV.
And she almost nailed him. Not with a confession, not with a flood of tears, but with the last ramifications of his actions... both with his former best friend and with his most loyal partner...
(and poor Ronnie ((which will be the very last time you will see me type those two words, for reasons that having nothing to do with this fucking show))... got his face burned off for the team, did everything he was asked to do with nary a complaint, gave his trust 100% to Vic and never wavered, was told point blank by Forest Whitaker that he was the most careful member of the team and it won't make a difference in the end ((which AGAIN, proves Ryan knew what he wanted from the get-go)), never let his faith waver even a bit, and ended up being the one guy to pay the law for the crimes of his crew. Someone had to go down for all this, why not the guy who got maybe two pages worth of lines for the first few years)
... thrown in his face, right before he was thrown out of the precinct... and the brotherhood in blue, for good. All the good he did was gone. Disgraced.
And sent to hell.
So, let's wrap up this with the smile. The last moment of the show, we saw Vic take his gun out of his desk safe, smile, and put it in its usual spot at the small of his back before walking out. He was consigned to three years of desk work for the feds, in a suit and tie, under miserable fluorescent lights, and under orders to type out five ten page reports on gang activity... single spaced... each week for three years. Shawn Ryan says that Chiklis improvised the smile and he kept it in.
What was the smile? A smile of victory? That he got out from all his bad deeds? That he can be a free man after the next three years and fuck them all, he got away with it? Maybe.
Me? I think the smile was the start of a new book, one last volume, or the start of a new series of volumes. Oh hell no, not anything that we'll ever see, because its clear this show is done... but both Chiklis and Ryan wanted to honor our love for this corrupt, sociopathic cop that we couldn't help but root for.
The smile was Vic starting a new plan. He lost everything but his gun. That's enough to start with.
The show wasn't about to change anyone. No one received redemption. Like I said, these characters were already fully fleshed out before the first scene.
So of course, Mackey would start planning on how to get out of three years of desk duty.
Oh... and I didn't get into the show until season five, and I picked up the first four season DVDs right away so I could catch up. Guess who talked me into it?
Gloomchen. Go figure.
Meanwhile, snuggled away on lonely ol' Monday nights, Boston Legal had its final episode...
And it sucked.
No, it fucking REEKED.
Rather then provide a fitting ending which honored the characters, especially Denny Crane who spent the last five years telling us that his legacy was his firm, and his name. So, when they sold the firm to the Japs, who demanded that Denny be fired and took his name OFF the Lawfirm, what did Denny do?
He went and got married to his best friend, Alan Shore... all so David Kelly could write one more lecture on same sex marriages and why they are good...
I was insulted, and pissed. But I've gone on and on about TV for now... so I'll get into this at another date if you all want to bullshit about it.
And John Larroquette was hilarious 15 years ago on Night Court, now he's just another boring actor who I don't like.
Betty White is the BOMB, however... and Candice bergan makes it look so easy.
Anyway... I promised comments so let's knock off a few...
1) December 8, 2008 10:35 AM... "Cowboy" Bill Watts, y'all. said... Hey Hyatte How about another one of those 48 hour Q&A things you tried a while back?
Well Cowboy, seems that I'm a'shootin' away with every comment I respond to in this here ding, dong lil' comment Q & A... so I just 'bout figured, why bother, I'm being honest enough as it is... or at least as honest as I'mma ever gonna git. Hyuck!
And whats the deal with booking the Undertaker with that scary sumbitch mask??
2) November 14, 2008 9:55 AM... Anonymous said... Gay Turnip, I understand that writing is something you do for your own personal edification -- and that's COMPLETELY cool. But I also understand that this kind of writing is a form of exhibitionism... and an exhibitionist NEEDS an audience. 'Cause a flasher wouldn't have any fun waving his prick inside his empty apartment; that's why he hangs around the petting zoo at the neighborhood amusement park.
Conclusion? If you didn't want any of your long-time patrons to read you anymore, you would've picked a different penname. So, YES -- you're doing this for yourself, but in part you're doing this because you enjoy waving your prick at an audience.
But since a reach-around is fair play in ANY quasi-loving relationship, I'll freely admit that I've been reading your work over the years for MY personal edification: I trade you a few minutes of my time a pop, and in return I get high-quality, borderline-sociopathic humor... plus a few interesting ideas. It's a fair tradeoff -- and as long as I'm happy with the transaction, I'll stay a loyal member of the Hyatte Fan Club.
I gotta admit one thing, tho: Lately, I kinda view you more as a cautionary tale of wasted talent. You're too good for this, man. I truly hope something motivates you to escape these blogs and start waving your prick again at a bigger population pool.
A'ight?
There is nothing you said here that I can disagree with.
SEE, I'M ALWAYS SHOOTING!!!!!!!!!
3) November 14, 2008 8:27 AM... Tim said... Welcome back! Some of us appreciate when you post, no matter what you post. Take your time dude. Your core folks aren't going anywhere.
Aww shucks Tim, thank you so much. I do it all for you. You made my day! You complete me. You rule.
4) November 14, 2008 9:08 AM... tim said...actually I've changed my mind. See ya!
Oh you fucking rat jap fuck bastard!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF, TRAITOR!! I HOPE YOU DIE, DIE DIE!!
Funny enough, I get this in real life too... only from a girl.
5) December 10, 2008 5:55 PM... Patricia said... What kind of name is Gloomchen? Are you an Ewok? Fuckin' internet drama everwhere I look. Someday it'll be Saturday night. You're right, you always were.
Hello dear, and no, there is no reason why I would place your comment right here.
What do you know from Ewoks? Don't you refuse to watch Star Wars? And Buffy even though you would totally love it?
I can assure you, Gloomchen isn't reading this. Well, maybe she is but I think I have a better shot at getting a phonecall from Kelly Kelly inviting me to visit her in some hotel
Let every night be Saturday night, every day too.
What drama? Bam being a brat again?
Welcome back, unless you've already changed yer mind again.
6) December 6, 2008 8:28 PM... Trish said... Fuck you for not calling me. And for the chlamydia.
Oh trust me love, I call you a LOT of things.
You're welcome... hope it causes the hubbie's pecker to fall off... the lucky bastard.
7) December 8, 2008 5:09 AM... liefield said...
i has drew picture of you hi-eight
o
\O/
/\
Holy cow!! This computer scribble from Rob Liefeld is worth what... 20K?? I'M RICH!!! THANK YOU, DUDE!!!
8) December 8, 2008 12:31 PM... Anonymous said... You know what Hyatte? FUCK YOU. You talk a big game but don't mail me when it counts. I'm bored of waiting and sick of these fucking cryptic messages to people without you thinking FOR A FUCKING SECOND what it does to others.
As God as my witness, I have no idea who this is supposed to be... well, other then someone trying to work me... that I get, I just don't know who its supposed to be.
And I know what these cryptic messages do to other people... it bores them to tears. HA!!
9) November 17, 2008 5:28 PM... TTG said...
BOOYA!!.
Ok, since THE GREAT HYATTE is apparently leaving soon (Although he's had more retirements than Hogan and Piper COMBINED), here is a thread to celebrate Hyatte's DECADE OF ONLINE DESTRUCTION!!!
Most people don't seem to like this guy, why is that? Maybe...
-He's like Andy Kauffman, and people just don't understand him?
-He's like Simon Cowell and people are turned off by his arrogance?
-He's the greatest, and most LIFE SMARKS are bitten with a serious case of INFERIORITY COMPLEXES AND BITTERNESS??
Either way, as a SUPERIOR POSTER and confident person myself, I have the ability to "swallow my own pride", and admit that Hyatte is indeed, the KING OF THE INTERNET!. That is why in late 2003, I attempted to get a hot Portugese girl from my old job to record a sound file, seductively calling him "Christopher" over and over again. Hey, at least the effort was there. B)
So now, without further adieu (adu? adoo?? adeu?? whatever...)...
HYATTE'S TOP TEN INTERNET CONTRIBUTIONS!!
10- AAT: The gambling story (4 jacks, and GULL, which I pictured as John Cleese)
9- Leaving Scoops for greener pastures after that LIFE SMARK Remy "The Slammer" Artega went TOO FAR!!
8- AAT: What would Jesus do in WWE/WCW/ECW, classic stuff
7- Discovering that Dillinger is the ANTI-CHRIST
6- Introducing the term : LIFE SMARK to a wider audience!
5- AAT: THE TAKING OF HHH
4- Driving Sean Shannon near suicide (Sort of like I drove STYXX crazy for a while, before our love for UMAGA brought us closer)
3- The Midnight News format which most writers have copied since
2- The MOP UPS, which revolutionized recapping as we knew it
1- THE MOTHERFUCKING VILLANO JOKES!!!
Thank you Top Ten Guy, and may I say that you are the only reason I go to NPP anymore because only you seem to know just how fucking retarded those miserable, fun-sucking, nerdy, clitorally clueless Life Smarks are and I love how you remind them of their innate douchebagness every day. I admire you, sir.
10) December 4, 2008 12:43 PM ... Anonymous said...
ya know part of me feels like a tool for asking...part of me feels like I may catch some shit for this but...
Any chance that you could drop an "And Another Thing" on us in the near future?
The Mop-Ups were cool, the Midnight News changed the IWC, but above all AAT is where you really showed your talent.
Heck you squeeze out a couple more AAT's and there's your book.
Here's a few suggestions (lol)...
AAT the taking of Trish Stratus
AAT the real Chris Hyatte
AAT the rise and fall of the IWC
AAT the day Grut died...
Chris
Louisville
Thanks but... umm... I occasionally think of submitting AAT's the Meltzer (although now with that wannabe Bryan Alverez running things, it's looking less and less enticing) and sometimes ideas pop up...
But then I think, "Wrestling?? Oh God NO!" and that ends that.
As far as your suggestions:
Look, I am fairly convinced that every time a "fan" shows up at her Yoga studio looking to spend time with Trish, the girl studies the "fan" from her tinted, bullet proof office window and tries to figure out if Hyatte finally crossed into stalker mode.
And when she calls the RCMP and they take him away and they tell her he was ID'ed as.... "Mark Bodek" or "Frank Romeo" or.... "Wynn Carlson" and she says something like, "But when you asked him about CHRIS HYATTE did he jump? Flinch? I thought for SURE it was him!! This is what happens on a weekly basis. Who needs that?
Anyway, if I wrote a column/story about "Taking Trish Stratus"... I somehow doubt it would help change her mind about how harmless I really am. So no to that.
The real Chris Hyatte is a tale no one wants to read or hear about, and I have PROOF of this.
And Another Thing: The Rise and Fall of Internet Wrestling. Only seven and a half year old. At 411 Mania.
YOU HEAR THAT CSONKA, YOU BIG PHONEY LIAR!! I'M STILL ARCHIVED AT YOUR PLACE!! I'M STILL A SHADOW ON YOUR FLABBY TUCKUS!!!
And fuck Josh Grut. he died right at the moment he decided to try to steal Amanda from me, he's Shane to my Vic.
So... the hour is late and I'm tired. I've got a lot of cool comments still to go and MORE cool ones that I'm SURE will be filling my comments section over the next few days. I'm taking off for now...
But when I come back I WILL be talking about porn chicks... first order of business.
And now, hit play and listen to Kanye JAM... and one of you can read deeper... so very deeper.
Love this song. KEEP YOUR LOVE LOCKED DOWN!!! LOCK IT DOWN!!! YOU LOSE!! YOU LOOOOOOOSE!!!!
Man's a prophet.
