As per usual, I write about outside things rather than write about myself... which would actually make for a few dozen great stories.
No, don't even bother.
****
One thing no one caught on with this WWE Million Dollar give-away is Vince's honesty. He's saying, "Look, we want old viewers back. Please, come back, we'll see about paying you."
If they want old viewers back, Vince should give Brian Gerwitz the boot. The Jew ain't writing funny bits anymore. His segments pretty much brings the whole show to a screeching halt... and its not like the wrestlers are good enough actors to sell these bad lines anyway.
Sex sells. Put the divas into the storylines and give them love scenes. The 14 year old male demo will come a'runnin'
And lets look at Ashley... a face so blown out they are afraid to shoot close-ups anymore (kind'a like when they gave Chyna the wide, WIDE shot for a few months), she was thrown out of the building during TV tapings because she was so wasted she couldn't function, she embarrassed the very idea of WWE Divas being super tough by lasting 2 whole weeks on "Survivor", she can't wrestle, she hurts herself constantly, she is passed around more than Lita in Mexico...
and now "Rolling Stone" says she was part of a high end escort service operation... and she meekly wrote something about calling a lawyer and that was the end of it. Even Meltzer says, "Dude, its her."
Why is she still employeed?
Either Cena goes to Smackdown or Triple H surprises everyone by agreeing to go there for a year. And I think Raw might bring in the Undertaker and/or Rey Misterio. And let's get Carlito on ECW where he would have the time of his life.
Ah, and Batista to Raw and will eventually be managed by a heel Ric Flair.
Punk to Smackdown.
******
Currently on IWC scene... Meltzer hooked up with Brian Alverez just so he won't have to do any web work save for writing his daily columns and let that mark Alverez do EVERYTHING... and with a giant smile.
I never gave a crap about Bryan Alverez until one week he devoted many, many pages from his Figure Four Newsletter (ie: Last week's Observer, slightly re-written) to the movie Karate Kid. He tried his damndest to rag on it and cut it down and point out its silly plot holes... and I'm pretty sure he thought he was a riot while doing so...
Yeah, well... too bad Bill Simmons over at ESPN.com did the exact same dissection years before... only HE dissected the second and third movie too. I swear Alverez stumbled upon it, read it, LOVED it, and tried to do the same thing thinking tyat no one would catch on.
He's another one I'd bitch slap with my dick.
Jason Powell has never had an opinion I respect or learn anything from. The dude is as bland as sex with Canadian home contractors. He also should file a massive lawsuit... a class action suit against anyone and everyone who ever told him he was funny... beginning with his mother and ending with every choked out rent boy he ever hooked up with Queer as Folk style in some of Minnesota's shadier gay bathhouses.
One day I am convinced we will read about some dude in Minnesota who was caught publically masterbating and throwing his splooge at middle-aged bank tellers... I can't I.D. this poor soul with a closet full of skeletons that is just about to burst... but his name rhymes with "Lade Smeller"
Once you learn that those good ol' reliable kids at the Lords of Pain are still delievering all of everyone's news in a timely manner... you just don't need to visit PWInsider.com... and thus you don't need to learn what nonsense Dave Scherer is up to.
Who's that kid at 411 who one guy spent major effort trying to get me to rag on... Jeff Smalls? Well... he has two big "gimmicks":
1) He spends crucial amount of column space doing...
Wait for it....
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
2) He ends every column with... I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, someone out there wants me to cut down a dude... in front of my dozen readers... whose two big gimmicks are rip offs of Anchorman and Chevy Chase?
No, I mean DIRECT rip-offs.
Man... fuck you, asshole. And fuck this kid. He's below me. Beneath me... even here... doing a stupid blog for 10 people (half of them girls... one or two in straight up love with me, BOOYA!!) he's beneath me.
In fact, the only asshole less original than Jeff Smalls is the one whose been begging me to trash him. ASSHOLE!!
UGH!! Whammy... wham your ass with a rusty garden weasel, fag.
Bryan Alverez... Jeff Small... you people see why I had to get out? I just couldn't hang with these original thinkers.
Fuckheads... the lot of them
*****
I've discussed him before, and featured 2 of his books for my old book club thing.
Rick Reilly, now part of "ESPN The Magazine", is probably my favorite sports writer ever... which doesn't mean he can't screw up once or twice.
Years ago, he wrote a column where he finally went to the one place no one else wanted to go, and went ahead and declared Kobe Bryant "better than Jordan". His main point was that Kobe achieved much more at his age then Jordan did at the same.
I think...
See, I think this was his point, I can't pull the article out from his archives online. It's been erased from history.
Why? Because a few weeks after Reilly hailed Kobe as better then Jordan, Kobe was charged with raping that girl in Colorado. BYE BYE COLUMN!!!
Years passed, and while Reilly hasn't really made any declarations about Kobe's skill, there were whispers and mumbles throughout the sports writing world (mostly from the Los Angeles writers), that Kobe could, when its all said and done, become known as greater than MJ.
Well, that fantasy is finished now, ain't it?
I'm not saying that, with the team he had behind him, a Michael Jordan, a PRIME Micheal Jordan could've have taken out the Celtics in this championship... but he would have made damn sure it went 7 games... he would've made damn sure there was no game four comeback mind-blower that brought back memories of a time when three white men in green jerseys ran the court for 48 minutes clean.
And there is absolutely no way in hell Micheal Jordan would've allowed his team to lose the championship by an astounding 39 points.
My only disappointment is that Kobe didn't give up mid-way into the 4th quarter and just walked out of the building. That would've been great.
L.A. should've chose Shaq.
But you know, I am not the biggest basketball fan. They lost me right around the time Allen Iverson was allowed to be a thug who could play hoops. Iverson should be in the shoot program at Pelican Bay, or at least he should've been... maybe he grew up since, I haven't kept updated. My basketball days ended when the Bulls started winning every year and Magic caught the AIDS and Larry's back broke him down.
Showtime vs Pride. That was MY NBA.
And I was a Magic Johnson fan. I loved the Lakers. Loved the no-look passes... loved the Skyhook. LOVED the Baby Skyhook. Loved that James Worthy and Byron Scott only woke up when it was a must win.
The Celtics? Ugh... HATED Red Aubach. Thought he was a senile old fart who developed NO bench. Just let Bird, McHale, Parish, DJ, and Ainge do all of the heavy work... although it was a trip watching Bill Walton limp around towards the end of the dynasty.
But back then, the 80's... Celtics/Lakers... Bird/Magic... as diametrically opposite as you can get... coming up at the exact same time. You could not ask for a better rivalry.
And as time went on, I developed a healthy love for the old Celtics. Dennis Johnson... a mulatto old dude with liver freckles all over his face... no one, and I mean NO one drew a foul like he did. Just rub the man, nub into him as gently as possible... he would stick a foot in the air (about eye level) start waving his arms wildly, then wipe out on the parquet floor. The ref would stare at him, think "Well, I did't see anything, but DAMN that boy wiped out"... and blow the whistle. Foul!! The Lakers might have been "Showtime", but they didn't have exclusive rights.
And then there was Larry... the sniper. The Legend. Where Magic was the general, preferring to set up plays rather then score on them, Bird was the professional assasin. Where Magic never talked the trash... Bird, that white as snow yokel from Indiana, the hillbilliest inbred to ever bounce a ball that wasn't hanging from his joint... that sonafabitch would tell the Laker bench where he would be shooting... point his finger TO THE EXACT SPOT where he would be shooting... flip off Jack Nicholson... and then shoot the damn thing and NAIL it. He would do it time and time again.
This was New England in the 80's. The Red Sox weren't winning shit (although we had Roger Clemens when he was cool), the Patriots were years away from hiring Bill Parcells, the Bruins were the same assholes no one really pays attention to today. All Boston had were the Celtics... a starting five of three white boys, one black as Nigeria center, a mulatto wipe-out artist... and a black head coach. It was tradition, meat and potatoes, and an old school building where the vistors locker room never could get the air conditioner going.
And you had L.A. With Magic all smiles and personality who was bringing in new fans by the millions. With Kareen Abdul Jabbar, who had the unblockable skyhook as his all-exclusive weapon, and a stoic frown that only recently did we learn he never turned off. We had James Worthy who... scored points... Byron Scott who tried to make a place for himself among all these superstars...
And goddamm Kurt Rambis!!! A fucking white geek with horned rimmed glasses who was just barely good enough to play in the NBA, but his hustle and almost made him an honorary Celtic.
Historic, simple green and white vs flashy and gaudy purple and yellow. Working class drunk fans vs high end celebrity... (and hand it to Jack Nicholson for never giving up, even when the Lakers went through their post-80's depression) Mangled English language vs perfect teeth and brilliant smiles.
This. Was. A. RIVALRY!!
And then the Pistons built a program... and Bill Laimbeer became the first player EVER to make both Robert Parish AND Larry Bird lose their cool and start throwing down in the middle of a game. Finally, a team BOTH Boston and L.A. fans could agree to hate unanimously.
(Celtics radio in the 80's: Bill Laimbeer gets called for a foul, Bill Laimbeer gives his finest "Shocked and Outraged Face", Johnny Most, legendary Celtics play by play radio announcer... with a voice only slightly deeper and cragglier then Burgess Meredith... shouts, "My name is Bill Laimbeer, I play for the world champion Detroit Pistons, and I have a RIGHT to do that!!")
And then... and then a first round draftee by the name of Lenny Bias celebrated his new life as a Celtic by blowing his brains out on bad cocaine... and then Michael Jordan decided it was time to become the greatest player to ever walk on a basketball court. And it was a new era.
So... yeah... while Kevin Garnett is for sure intense enough to earn the green uniform and all it stands for... and Paul Pierce spent ten years in the uniform and becoming a man before our eyes... and Ray Allen was just a quietly talented player rotting away in fucking miserable ass Milwaukee, then wet, mid-market Seattle... waiting for HIS team to form... and while big money brought tradition back to Boston (get used to it, my friends)... it doesn't give us the rivalry.
And there will NEVER be a rivalry quite like the time when the team led by the black Houdini would toe up with the team led by the sharphooter from French Lick.
And occasionally, the assholes from Detroit
Well, at least we still have the Yankees and the Red Sox.
LETS do some COMMENTS!
TOMORROW!!!
Oh shut up... here... rock out with the nastiest hardcore metal song that the 00s has produced, so far...
No video... fuck the video... just jam to this a few dozen times and then crank this sucker on then go anal all over her ass! Or go beat the shit out of some asshole!!! GO MENTAL, YOU SICKO FREAKS!!!!
I think this song is about a stripper... not too sure. At first I thought Zombie was giving props to every girl I ever bedded... but how would he know?
