I have a nice blog coming in a day or two. In the meantime, enjoy this blast from the past.
I found it at Inside Pulse, so I KNOW no one's read this in years... Widro did just that good a job burying my past columns
I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
It takes a lot for America to want you DEAD!…
But by God we’ll FEED YOU FIRST!!
Been a’while since I did this… and it’s well liked, so here it is again.
The following are a list of final meals taken by inmates before they rode the
Prisoner #778682… John Wayne Gacy killed 05/10/94 (Illinois): a dozen deep-fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, french fries, a pound of strawberries (Ugh… Deep dish… I hope they gave him a SPOON to go with that soup on a crust. Deep dish pizza, possibly the biggest bungle in Chicago history since they let the Irish and Poles take over)
Prisoner #976… Richard Beavers killed 05/10/94 (Texas): six pieces of french toast with butter and syrup, six barbecued spare ribs, six “well-burnt” pieces of bacon, four scrambled eggs, five “well-cooked” sausage patties, french fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, four cartons of milk. (Brother went and set himself up a BUFFET, yo! He was making DAMN sure the guards would get a few handfuls of shit when getting him out of his undies!)
Prisoner #455 … Thomas J. Grasso killed 03/20/95 (Oklahoma): before getting the needle, makes a statement: “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.” (Man… no wonder he killed twenty nuns… he was ALWAYS getting f*cked over by THE MAN!!)
Prisoner #833478… Lonnie Weeks Jr. killed 09/05/99 (unknown): oven-fried chicken, rice pilaf, cucumber and onion salad, bread and margarine (Now we’re talking… nothing tastier than a good bowl of fluffy, buttery PILAF!!)
Prisoner #546… Joe Trevino killed 08/18/05 (Texas): fried chicken, salad dressing with Italian dressing, raw carrots and cucumbers, watermelon, strawberry milkshake (Fried Chicken? Watermelon? Don’t need a picture to tell that this boy didn’t need the chair to brown up his skin tone)
Prisoner #657… Alan Willett killed 09/08/99 (Arkansas): beef jerky, barbecue-flavored potato chips, onion dip, garlic dip, buttered popcorn, Pepsi. (before getting the needle, makes a statement “I did not get my Sour Cream and Chives Potato chips. I want the press to know this.” Rat bastard screws… probably ate them as he fried)
Prisoner #890… Timothy McVeigh killed 06/10/02 (Indiana): two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream (awww…. they should have pardoned the little rascal)
Prisoner #778682… Amos King killed 02/26/03 (Florida): Requested Thai food, but was denied because he had previously been served three “last” meals and eaten two of them (Heh… fat slob… to the end he tried to take a mile when given an inch).
Prisoner #976… Cedric Ransom killed 07/23/03 (Texas): declined a last meal. (He held his waistline up for RANSOM!! GET IT??? THE WIT IS BACK, YOU FRUITASSES!! HYATTE RULES!!)
Prisoner #455 … Henry Lee Hunt killed 09/12/03 (North Carolina): medium Domino’s pizza with pepperoni, hamburger, canadian bacon, sausage, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, Coke (In lieu of a tip, the delivery boy got to flip the switch.)
Prisoner #833478… Edward Hartman killed 10/03/03 (North Carolina): Greek salad, linguini with white clam sauce, garlic bread, cheesecake with cherry topping, Coke (Now you can tell Ed was white! Who else would eat such a classy meal?)
