Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know what you've been through

Twice in a week??? Two SUBSTANTIAL blogs?

I should be in bed too. Man, I love my sleep.

But this works two ways. I always want to keep you guessing. See, you ASSUMED I wouldn't show up for another ten days or so. HA!! AAAHAA!!!

I have a split lip, its from the fuggin' cold that I've had since roughly the Reagan administration. Well, the wound is yellow, but pink inside, and has taken a V shape.

So yeah, it looks like a vagina. A rotting, crusty, 20 year ol' sailor-hooker's vagina, but a vagina just the same.

I keep rubbing it with my tongue. I get no sensation. In fact, it seems to get drier and drier no matter how much I lick it.

So yeah, its a vagina alright.

ZING!!!!

I told this joke to the one girl at work who I know for sure could handle it... she gave me a pitiful smile as I was cracking myself up and deadpanned, "You're awfully proud of that one aren't you!"

Yes, yes I am. One of those punch yourself in the arm your so proud jokes.

COMMENTS, YOU BASTARDS!

1) November 3, 2007 4:00 PM Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Take this from someone who's worked in publishing for 10 years: As much as I enjoyed your columns I hated the fact that it revolved around wrestling, because it meant 1) your audience was limited, meaning 2) you weren't getting paid, meaning 3) in time you might just lose the desire and even the forum to write about anything. I guarantee people would pay $$$$ to read you on other topics (unlike Scooter). I don't really have a question. Call this a butt-smooch, with a slightly shitty aftertaste.

Thank you Mr Anonymous Publishing Connection reader. Please keep reading this and don't die anytime within the next year or so. I'll probably need your help with something.

2) November 20, 2007 8:00 PM... Anonymous said... Damn, someone beat me to a Jericho joke, Mine was going to go: Did you catch the Jericho return? He's back with a new gimmick; gay magicians assistant.

This is talking about Jericho's Raw return. Remember those days? When we thought Jericho could REVITALIZE the same old, same old... and when we thought he could put that no good Triple H in his place?

What happened? Well, while Jericho was busy saving us, the WWE was wrapping up one of the most profitable years since 1 became a 2 on our calenders. I think "Save Us" wasn't about Jericho saving the WWE, I think it was the WWE saving Jericho's family while Daddy sat at home and stewed about why Fozzie never took off.

And yes, it's because of John Cena. And once he dropped the stupid raps and "deeze nuts" and once they stopped trying to force him to become a universal face by making every opponent he feuded with a super-heel (if Kurt Angle telling the soldiers in Iraq that they suck couldn't do it... nothing could.)

They forcefed us Cena as a Hulk Hogan type of super-face who is always against impossible odds, when all they needed was to let us boo him, let the kids and girls scream for him, and watch the houses fill up. That's the fun part of the John Cena Era... seeing which half of the building wins the boo/cheer contest.

Oh sure, the WWE still sweetens the crowd at every chance, because Vince is a power freak and refuses to let the fans tell him what they want. But Cena has mellowed with the "look how much I am one of you!" gimmick and just goes and works the crowd. And the houses fill. Shit, they even filled when he wasn't there. Because going to a WWE house show has become a relatively cheap way to kill a weekend night and have a little fun.

Of course, if you buy a WWE shirt... you're a fuckin' fag. Believe me, once I knew I would never bang Trish Stratus, I took a giant crap on my "Blow me to the Stratusphere", set it on fire, dropped it on someone's porch at 1 am one morning, rang thier doorbell, and ran away and hid! Yes, people really do freak out and stomp out the fire with their slipper. Heh... HAHAHA I laughed so hard I almost got caught by the Po Po. That poor black family moved out of the neighborhood a few weeks later.

And oh yes, I saved up, went through two days of bowel cramps, and laid DOWN the diarrhea on that mutha.

I wonder if Jericho wishes he went to TNA these days? Probably not. He knows his role. I wonder which Diva he's porking on the road now that Stratus is gone? My money is on Melina, I think she's being passed about as we speak.

3) November 20, 2007 4:00 PM... Matt said... Mr. G... Ha! I remember that. Some A-hole over at IP (I think) wanted to start bitching about you using your real name (supposedly). I thought it was cool that you were a fellow dirty frenchman. eau=o.

If smeone at IP bitches about me, but no one is there to read it, is it really a bitch-out?

The answer is, of COURSE yes. Only I don't care.

I find it terribly hard to believe ANYONE can muster the energy to bitch about this retired ol' beastie, tho'. It ain't like I've left this major hole. In fact, were I ever to come back it would only be under very specific terms and we're talking about a whole new re-invention. Yep. I'd have to sart from scratch and rebuild a fresh new look for a fresh new audience... precious few of them care about Dave Scherer creating a whole new website just so he can finally blog and tell the full story about how he became the Randy Orton of Jersey. (is Dave still going on about that?)

And, let me stop you right there. NO, I'M NOT COMING BACK AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL UNLESS SOME IMPOSSIBLE CONDITIONS COME TO PASS.

I don't even want to come back.

And I'm mostly Irish.

4) November 15, 2007 12:03 PM Charles A said... Man Chris you sold yourself short on the work you did for 411. You basically created the comics section with two columns and that begat the figures section which gave me a "Job." not trying to give ya a reach around just letting the peeps know.

Yes, and I take full credit... only because neither Widro nor Ashish will. "No, stupid, its our awesome WEB DESIGN... and Scott Keith."

I helped create the doll section of 411. Wonderful. I only told Widro 600 times a month to drop it.

5) November 15, 2007 7:19 PM Anonymous said... "Most of the writers we have now over on my two sites are just dopey kids who don't want to put forth too muych effort in their columns and have nothing to say either."

Last week 60 Minutes ran a story about the "Millenial" generation, i.e. those who are currently in their late teens and early twenties. The story had to do with this generation's attitude toward work. Morley Safer pointed out that a large percentage of current college graduates move back home indefinitely (into their thirties), so they can "opt out of a job they don't like".

A consultant stated that a lot of the "Millenials" expect to be rewarded just for showing up to work. Which brings me back to your quote at the top of this post. And it's not just Internet column writers who seem to be lacking in affect, if the 60 Minutes piece is any indication. But back to wrestling writers - at circa-1999 Scoops, even the jackoffs like Jay Kirell put real effort into being jackoffs. For example - Jay Kirell's e-mail circulated plan that each columnist would "ghostwrite" another columnist's column and cause mass confusion...a laughable attempt to achieve his dream of writing a Mop-Up...but still, it's the kind of effort I can't see these "Millenial" guys bothering to muster. Hyatte - you're squarely in the Gen-X demographic - I was born a few years later, so I'm interested in your opinions on this phenomenon. - Greg H.

Well... umm... one thing about my generation is that we can give a crap about the kids behind us, so I'm not paying attention.

However, what we are seeing, and what we will see with every kid from now until we drop dead, is something no other generation had. The Internet.

Gen X were either lazy dweebs that had nothing to influnce them except bleak alternative rockers like Kurt Cobaine or aggressive go-getters who saw how to prosper under the Clinton administration. A few years ago, Flea once said something to me mid-ramble about FINALLY getting the Clintons back in the White House so "we can get back to making some money again." Always stuck with me.

These new kids... who choose to stay with their parents and consider their employers lucky to have them grew up with ultra-violent movies (since toned down), which was matched my the real life movie scene of two jets flying into two towers and watching them crumble. They have INSTANTANEOUS access to minute by minute news updates which now cover absolutely EVERYTHING. They have so much porn at their disposal that sex is as casual (again) as going to the mall. If the music isn't sugary safe bubblegum pop, its hardcore rappers talking about shakin' booty and tappin' asses. The Sopranos made organized crime cool, Friends made living in New York and chilling with friends seem simple and free. And Oxycontin makes everyone horny and feeling good.

Oh, and parents suck because their parents sucked.

Plus the Internet makes them ALL a lot smarter then any other generation beforehand. They are exposed to EVERYTHING... good and bad. They have no choice but to learn.

While MY Generation had nothing to hope for, this current generation has too much to hope for... and the job market is totally wide open. They can leave their job because they have a roof over their heads and countless paths they can go down to.

Welcome to evolution. We aren't doomed, we are just going through growing pains.

November 20, 2007 12:46 PM... Anonymous said... How about the ever simple ice breaker question? Your stranded on an island for a month...What book?
What CD? What Girl? And since I am back logged on these posts i read something earlier regarding a reveal of your identity or picture. Do you know that even if you posted a legitimate photo, address and SSN i wouldn't believe you after all these years. Mission accomplished HiR8T!!

The Book = The Bible, because you can read it one hundred times and take in one hundred different interpretations.

The CD = probably Elvis's Greatest hits. Nothing wrong with E to keep the vibes mellow.

The girl = Anyone? Hmmm... April Hunter. Because she's the hottest girl to ever call me on the phone. And she actually used to ask me about myself.

And yes, I am aware that not many of you would ever believe that I would completely unravel the enigma that is The Mighty Hyatte.

And with that, I am FINALLY FINISHED WITH NOVEMEBER'S COMMENTS!!! WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!

So now I'll do two from December and some recent ones and then a treat. NO SCROLLING!!

6) December 31, 2007 11:50 AM alli said... christopher hyatte, happy new year!!!!!!!!! talk to you soon maybe? youre lame.

Thank You Kitty. Now this one is from the Generation AFTER the "Entitled" Millenium Kids profiled on 60 Minutes, and if she's a proper representitive of what's to come... then the world will be in fine shape indeed.

Too bad her boyfriend has a nose that could pass for a waffle iron. Heh!

7) December 13, 2007 11:13 PM... Jesse Baker said... Hyatte's reference to the urban legend that Randy Savage deflowered a teenage Stephanie McMahon, is that true? I've heard others whisper it as far as sort of an urban legend/ultra-secret explanation as to why Savage has been downplayed by the WWE since they've started retconning the official history of wrestling these last couple of years. Anyone care to share the full story as far as the story and how it got spread?

Well, I don't think it happened, although all reports has Savage as being perfectly capable and dumb enough to try it. Two reasons why it seems to be bullcocky:

1) Meltzer refuses to even bring it up, EVER. If their was a grain of truth to it, ol' Dave A: knows it and B: would hint at it because too many people for too many years have wondered about it.

2) In a backstory that will keep for another day, I asked Mark Madden himself on the Torch board, very recently too, about it... and Mark said that he does know the rumors, but no one back in the WCW locker room at the time (and we're talking about Hogan, Hall, Nash, Piper, Duggan, JJ Dillon... Okerlund... Heenan... all those who were there) know if its true. Most of them think its just an old wives tale.

Now wrestlers keep their secrets... but this one, if it was true, would HAVE to have been confirmed... eventually.

So there you go. And Jesse, why are you burning comic books on Youtube? Come ON, DUDE.

8) February 26, 2008 12:10 PM Anonymous said... Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

...... okayyy

I have nothing to say here, but I really... REALLY think this is a sort'a spam deal... there's no context with ANYTHING I've ever written here. Spam bomb. But interesting enough.

In fact, the only reason I put this up is because it brought Flea out from hiding at CRZ's board

9) February 26, 2008 4:19 PM FLEA said... The Guy above you is broke. Anyone now that has the audacity to cry the blues is a chump. Give your crap to a professor and he'll agree, because he has no choice - he's broke too

Give it to someone who has had to make a dime in life and he will tell you - you're full of shit and your head is a solid turd. Don;t ruin my Hi-Rate fun with your bullshit - go out and make a dollar and then come back and talk about "economics"

Sorry for being better than you (not you, peer) - but this cocksucker. The rich will get richer because catfish like you doomed youself. Blame the government, if you want - I do all the time, because they rob people who make money. But, the only people who are in trouble are people like you - deadbeats, who want to be bailed out - again - and if I choose to look down on you from a paid for Ivory Tower it's because you deserve it. WHEN YOU HAVE THE FEELING PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN YOU, IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE

Now you know (and not you) - this chum......

P

FLEA (like the caps response?)

So when are you moving to Cuba?

10) February 25, 2008 10:06 AM Patricia said... If your material springs from the comments we are all in trouble.

Well, the rest of my material comes from inside references, hidden messages, and secret notes that the people LOVE trying to figure out.

And all you have to do is TRY.

11) February 27, 2008 1:03 AM Patricia said... Why is Keller plugging the hell out of Powell's newsite? Does he own both? Or getting paid by Powell for the promotion? Also, isn't in annoying that Powell uses insider terms in news items, as if he is in the business? For example, instead of saying "whether it is true or not" regarding Mayweathes payoff, he said something like "if its a shoot". Yanno, these things annoy me. I've got some globetrotting to do.

See, now you're catching on!

Powell's nose is so deep up Keller's ass that his sinuses are clogged with the semen from 5 years ago and up.

Yes, Wade co-owns Powell's site... Keller makes no bones about it, and Wade seems to think that Powell getting all the news updates (fed to him by Wade, probably) and the Torch sticking to news analysis and ROH DVD reports from the broke-ass spazzoid fatso Sean Radican, who once reviewed a WWE PPV by bitching about how much money it cost him to order it and then recommending 4 ROH dvds instead of this PPV.

I just like how Powell uses his smiling face on the "cover" of his site, like it adds legitimacy. I'll get into how legit these people are at another time. He's a fat bald dude who got tired running a paintball website and now is running a wrestling website and suddenly he's suppose to reinvent the wheel. He probably has a extra firm pillow to keep his white, baggy ass from getting sores all day.

As far as using wrestling terms... it's one thing I'm quite proud of mostly avoiding during my ten year run as a writer. But it IS lame... but its so widespread that it's pretty much par for the course now. Nothing can be done about it, baby.

And I KNOW you just wanted me to spend a good 2000 words ripping on Keller... maybe some other time. Try to be sneakier aboot it. XX

Gobetrotting? Make sure Larry brings plenty of sunblock for his... less then adequately covered head of his... heh... heh...

Second time I used that joke. Shecky Hyatte strikes again.

I'll tell you about web guys, and what FRAUDS we (well, not me anymore) are... one of Meltzer's site writers... Dan Wahlers, has a Torch VIP account and routinely likes to post.

Now, if you visit Meltzer's site for your daily cocktease of news, then you've seen Wahler's name show up. "Dan Wahlers talks about the Royal Rumble", "Dan Wahlers talks about Kurt Angle", "Dan Wahlers talks about the state of wrestling."

Dan Wahlers is a perfect writer for Dave... a total mark who seems to do nothing but think wrestling, wrestling, WRESTLING all day and all night. He's 25, polite, and writes at about a 5th grade level.

And he also occasionally brags about how "people in the business" write to him and either praise him (mostly) or rag on him (occasionally). He is, in his mind... which is enough to convince people of his ilk who don't write anything but follow Dave religiously, that he is.

Was that even a reasonable sentence?

Anywhoo... over on the Torch board, where I've been posting under an assumed alias and doing NOTHING Hyatte-like to cause trouble... I noticed that Wahlers has two main tendencies... well, three.

1) He HATES it when Wade Keller doesn't answer his insipid questions and hates it even MORE when threads he starts get sidetracked off onto something different... a classic example was a long thread which started by him asking Wade Keller "his take" on what sort of match should a WWE PPV open with.

Now, when someone asks Wade what "his take" is... Wade generally ignores it. And he did this one... so the thread grew from epople answering the questions in lieu of Wade to people bitching at Wade for not answering it to people bitching at Wade for being a world class tool and a uptight closet homo and a femmy little twat.

So, after about 5 pages of this, with no answer from Wade, a CLEARLY ANNOYED Wahlers comes back and RE-ASKS the question...and I personally told him to go stick his head up his ass because Wade isn't answering and it's a BORING QUESTION THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYWAY!!

And that ended Wahler's participation in a thread that he started and go no response to.

2) Wahlers does his most critical thinking and asks his most SERIOUS HARDCORE wrestling questions on Saturday evenings. He's from Jersey, I'm from Rhode Island we both are in the Eastern time zone, there is no mistaking it... he spends his Saturday nights alone, online, and on message boards.

So he's 24/7 wrestling... and thus perfect for Meltzer

But before you qualify his obsession for expertise... and wonder why he isn't getting PAID for his easy-on-the-brain writing skills...

One day, Wahlers posted a message on the Torch board about HOW EXCITED HE WAS!! He posted a long, LOVING message about his life... how he was a store security detective (security guard who roams the aisles with non-perishable items in his cart looking for shoplifters... once you learn how to spot them you're home) and how he took the postal exam 3 years ago and how FINALLY a job opened up WITH a route... RIGHT IN HIS OWN TOWN!!!

"I'm so happy," says Wahlers, "This is what I'll be doing for the rest of my life!"

A Mailman. One of the most widely read writers on the site of THE most widely read, influencial wrestling journalist is about to srat his life as a mailman, and he can't help but CHEER!!

Now there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS... being a mailman is good, honest work. A nifty CAREER, mind you... but... but really.... how does anyone take this kid seriously again?

And THAT is the deal with wrestling writers. Jason Powell is no insider-God making his fortune at this. He's Keller's asscleaner who made friends with one of the two people ON THE PLANET who figured out how to make a living, a GOOD living, reporting on wrestling. Three if you count Scherer and his spyware bugs that will cripple your PC quick.

Only two people made money off this. Jason Powell will give it a go... will go broke, Keller will look at how much prowrestling.net is costing him and make some serious decisions, and Powell will be back to booking paintball wargames before we hit 2011.

And Dan Wahlers will autograph every copy of the Wrestling Observer he delivers... whether the subscriber is home or not.

12) February 26, 2008 8:01 AM Bruce Mitchell said... Hi Hyatte. Mail me asap. B

I'm torn. I don't think this is Bruce Mitchell. But the small plot to this small story has just thickened...

Bruce teaches for a living... he should be in class at the time of this posting and NOT online at my blog, which he has repeatedly told me he can't be associated with anything concerning me because schoolteachers, especially male ones, are under heavy scrutiny at all times... (NO JOKES... I'M SERIOUS).

Bruce wouldn't call himself "B".

HOWEVER... there would be a VERY GOOD reason why he would ask me to e-mail him and the VERY GOOD REASON has since been erased.

AND... my Torch VIP sub had run out and expired... and I figured it was because I changed credit cards and never bothered to re-up all my sub sites (bye bye Vivid Video.com)...

HOWEVER... once I received this note... I put two and two together and have realized that... maybe... ol' Hyatte, for giving you readers something different... and doing so very sneakily and without permission... might have been ratted out by someone to Wade (who used to read every word I ever written, every column I've ever done... and is just too much of a fucking weasel PUSSY to lower himself and admit it... that cocksucker.) who promptly threw me off his site and maybe called a lawyer.

Which wouldn't amount to anything because I did nothing damaging... and have since erased the evidence.

So Bruce... or a fake Bruce... I don't have your e-mail... and won't give out mine... so we are at a stand-off. If you need something from me STILL... let me know here and I'll figure out how to be able to reach each other while keeping our e-mails private. There's a certain girl I know with a certain hotmail address who would probably help out here.

And by the way... anyone have a Torch VIP account they want to give me the password to so I can piggyback on?? Let me know.

And FINALLY...

I was driving home one fine evening... listening to a little classic rock just for the fuck of it... when the following song came on... and took me back.

It was the 80's... it was hair metal... it was the second or third single from the album after rocking our balls off with the first single... it was the encore... the song where you held your woman close, buried your nose in her hairsprayed quaff... and swayed side to side as cheesy guys in spandex taught us about love while their roadies scouted the crowd looking for groupies for the band to gangfuck backstage...

And the best fucking ballard of the whole bunch came from a bunch of bald nitwits from Germany.

And the GODDAM BEAUTY of the song is the title doesn't show up until the AWESOME, HAIR METAL 80'S CLIMAX!!!

And is there HIDDEN MEANINGS/SECRET MESSAGES/LESS-THEN-INDISCREET-PERSONAL-SHOUT-OUTS in this song that inspired me to post it? Heh, bet'cha stubborn ASS, BABY!!

Hold your lighters in the air... HOLD THEM UP!!!

IF WE'D GO AGAIN!!! ALL THE WAY FROM THE START... I WOULD TRY TO CHANGE... THE THINGS THAT KILLED OUR LOVE.... YOUR PRIDE HAS BUILT A WALL.... SO STRONG, THAT I CAN'T GET THROUGH.... IS THERE REALLY NO CHAAAAAAANCE.... TO START ONCE AGAAAAAIIIN!!!

TAKE IT KLAUS!!!!



Ahhhhhh....

Someone just rolled their eyes at me... you just STOP IT AND APPRECIATE.

I'm out.

February 18, 2008 6:30 AM Anonymous said... it's monday, R-tard.

Why yes, yes it is.

(Douchebag's Note: Video at the bottom now working properly. In other news I decided that "Klaxon" does NOT sound like the noise every pot and pan in your kitchen makes when they all fall simultaniously to the floor. Rather, it sounds like the alarms European towns used to make when the Nazis rambled through looking for a few good Jews to fuck with. "YOWZAS!! HEAD FOR DE ATTICS!! HIDE THE YAMULKES! FOR THE NEXT 5 DAYS WE ARE ALL PROTESTENTS!! IEKE NEIN! VE LOVED CHRIST!! VE DIDN'T VANT HIM DEAD! UN VUN DAY 60 YEARS UN NOW MEL GEEBSON WILL ZET T'INGS RIGHT. HEIL DE FUERER, HEIL MARTIN RIGGS!!!" See the comments for clarification)

I had a really strange conversation the other night with a friend who is reading this (she doesn't post comments so no guessing). The friend means a lot to me and she knows it. I mean a lot to her and I know it.

But she really tends to underestimate my intelligence and my memory. She tried to rewrite a little personal history the other night. I could've really let her have it... really make her explain things, but I didn't see the point. She wanted to make sure I understood something and built her history lesson around it. Plus she was mad at me and used that to stengthen her resolve.

I understand. But I'm going to think what I want anyway, and I've got history on my side. And I remember EVERYTHING. It's a gift.

Other than that, the conversation was very enjoyable. It was kind of confusing too, but in a good way. Thumbs up all around.

So, final words on this topic: Sweetie, we are both too old and have been tight for too long to change the way things are and have been. Okay? As for the future, all I can say is... heh, maybe.

No one is allowed to comment on the above.

Okay then...

Something minor, yet major happened over the last few months that didn't exactly set the world on fire. It didn't make much noise in terms of news or anything. It wasn't a large enough story.

But to a kinda small/kinda large group of people, it was mind blowing.

This ain't wrestling stuff, but I'll use a metaphor that everyone can understand, then get into it.

So... so imagine if Bruce Mitchell wrote a column saying that this would be his last column for the Torch and he was off to new challenges. Then the next week Wade Keller did an "in-house" editorial and announced that what used to occupy Bruce Mitchell's column space would now be a rotating array of columnists to INSURE that WRESTLING would be the topic and NOT the ego and the arrogance of the writer.

Now imagine that you did a google search and learned that Mitchell would be joining PWInsider in a few months where he would be doing his column, audio work, and live event coverage.

THEN imagine that the NEXT WEEK Keller dedicated two paragraphs which thanked Mitchell for his fine work. Imagine he did it because of all the hate mail he received for being a bonehead the week prior.

ALSO imagine that PWInsider had a hugely popular writer who would routinely show his dislike for Mitchell, but now be curiously silent on the topic now that he was coming in. I know, PWInsider has no really likable writers, so think hard... pretend I wrote for them, or something.

NOW IMAGINE that Keller's grand remodeling strategy sucked. Allow yourself the opportunity to let the concept grow on you. Bruce was with the Torch for a long, long time. Change may not always be good, but it is unavoidable.

Get the drift? It would be a rather SHOCKING upheaval, wouldn't it? My God, the message boards all over would be MELTING DOWN

Well the EXACT THING HAPPENED, only on a much larger scale.

My dad, who had no business siring anything, used to get his copy of Sports Illustrated every week when I was a kid. It was a lot simpler magazine back then - you had letters, Faces in the Crowd, the cover story, pages for whatever sports were active at the time, and a long form in-depth story that went on for pages and pages.

And of course, some of the coolest photographs ever.

Years passed, the sub ran out, and, other than grabbing the occasional issue off the shelf when the cover looked interesting, I never made an effort to read every issue.

Then in 1997 I picked up an issue and bought it. After reading the aforementioned long form, in-depth back story (damned if I can remember it now!)and figured I was done. Then I turned to the very last page.

It didn't take much to make me a regular reader again after reading Rick Reilly.

Rick Reilly was the first, and so far only writer to get a permanent column on the back page of SI... and maybe any magazine (its possible that Time or Newsweek have had a solo writer on the back page, but who reads those?!?!? Hyuck). Reilly earned that spot through his passion, skills with the metaphor, and ability to tell a full blown story filled with humor, poignancy, and thoughtfulness... all within 750 words.

It used to be 900 words but Reilly's last SI contract scored him less words, which is why sometimes his articles started a quarter of the way down the first column.

Reilly won a bunch of "Sportswriter of the Year" awards, a few book deals, and made millions off this career. He was Sports Illustrated's poster boy. The face of the magazine.

My all time favorite Reilly story was the one where he talked about the girl's basketball coach for Columbine High. Her daughter was killed by the trenchcoat mafia (little known fact, those kids liked wrestling and had linked Scoops on their website. So they probably read my Mop-Ups.). She had all sorts of physical problems and had had numerous surgeries. The way Reilly presented her story was incredibly moving and inspirational at the same time. He later said it was the only story that made him cry. Me too.

Anyway, after many, MANY years of pretty much keeping SI's sales up, Reilly jumped ship and signed a deal with ESPN. Now he's THEIR back page writer... and he'll have a place on their page 2 website. AND he'll be on ESPN television covering his first and foremost sports passion, golf.

Basically, ESPN will use him as much as possible.

And in the world of sports writers... and really journalists, this is a major story.

So, after he wrote his farewell column, the week later, one of SI's editors told the readers that the back page would be a rotating series of writers and SPORTS would be the story, NOT the writer. The editor declared AN END to arrogant writers who thought they were bigger than the subject matter. Lots of humphing and hawring and bollocks.

The week after, once they were DELUGED with letters from irate consumers who bought the mag specifically for Reilly and didn't care to see him be blown out like that, SI put up a nice picture of him and thanked him for years of work.

Meanwhile, Bill Simmons, who pretty much is the anchor or ESPN's Page 2, who never hid his dislike for Reilly, has stayed quiet through all this... other than bitching at SI for the way they handled Reilly's exit. You can tell ESPN.com had a long talk with Simmons about Rick Reilly. Probably a reeeeeally long talk.

Reilly starts at ESPN in June. Currently, SI is a colder, unfriendlier magazine. Maybe its because they now use drawings for their writer's faces rather than real pictures. Maybe it's the new format. Or maybe because someone I enjoyed listening to moved out and the new tenants are too business-like (although they did hire Dan Patrick and that's a good start.)

Or maybe Reilly brought something to the table that no one else can touch... and it shows.

ESPN magazine has one new reader. SI might have just lost one.

******

I was going to do an Oscars prediction thing a few days ago, THEN do a "Why I don't know nothin'" thing tonight, but that's too much work.

The key to a good Oscar host is bring in a person to tell easy-going jokes with just a small pinch of spice so it seems tawdry. Jon Stewart doesn't want to offend anyone, and he is a likable fellow, so he's fine in the role. Steve Martin is a great host because he's friends with most of the assholes in the audience, so he knows what to say and what not to say. Billy Crystal came across as awfully proud to be hosting these awards and put on huge productions that poked a LITTLE fun but mostly made everyone feel special.

And the greatest "fuck you" Oscar ever pulled was never asking Jay Leno to host, because Leno would be PERFECT for the role... too perfect, in fact.

The bad hosts are the ones who don't belong, for various reasons. Ellen DeGenerous because she's more of an Emmy sort of host. Whoopie Goldberg because she'll take any job, no matter what, just pay her. Dave Letterman blew it because he could barely stand these people.

And Chris Rock bombed because he was hilarious...

Chris Rock did an AWESOME riff on why Jude Law wasn't a REAL star. It was a great play on how Jude Law gets movies only after the REAL stars turn them down.

And its so true. Jude Law couldn't fill a single fucking movie theater.

So anyway, later in the show, out comes Sean Penn, who's trying to show us ALL how to save the world while chainsmoking 200 cigarettes a day, who mumbles something about how great an actor Jude Law is and how Hollywood is lucky to have him. The audience practically gives him a standing ovation.

And that was the end of the Chris Rock: Oscar Host experiment.

Anyway, this year was flat out BORING... too many nitwits with fruity accents... but it was funny watching them make all the presenters speed through the show in order to get it off the air by midnight. Why not just eliminate the awards no one cares about (I swear, more people read this blog than care about best sound editing) and spend two hours on the good stuff and let the actors talk for as long as they like!

These things keep me awake for about 20 seconds, then I realize I don't care.

But the Rock did well. His stock went up.

WHO WON? Like you don't know...

Original screenplay

"Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production), Written by Diablo Cody
"Lars and the Real Girl" (MGM), Written by Nancy Oliver
"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Written by Tony Gilroy
"Ratatouille" (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Brad Bird; Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
"The Savages" (Fox Searchlight), Written by Tamara Jenkins

Diablo won and good for her. I loved Michael Clayton but that was because of the actors, not because of anything they were saying. I do not have a fuckin' clue about Lars and the real Girl OR Capobianco and I'm at the point where if I see Laurie Linney's name on a movie I immediately think, "Oh fuck, boring INDIE FILM!!" and run the other way.

Diablo Cody still uses her stripper name and the movie that made her something is a fresh look at teen pregnancy. Good show.

Performance by an actor in a leading role

George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises" (Focus Features)

DDLewis won and he did so because the douchebag, Paul Thomas Anderson, said he wrote the whole movie and the whole character around DDLewis... and that there wouldn't have been a movie if he said no.

Daniel Day Lewis does one movie every 5 years and then vanishes to go bang groupies and do blow and what have you. He also whined about heath Ledger to Oprah, even though he never met the man. Probably won for that performance more than anything.

George Clooney did fine as Michael Clayton, but he played George Clooney as tired and grumpy. What range??

Tommy Lee Jones played the same role he always plays. He's awesome at that role BUT ITS THE SAME ROLE. You could take any Tommy Lee Jones movie, sit down halfway through it... and start wondering when Harrison Ford shows up.

Johnny Depp sings... not enough people cared. They liked him as a Pirate.

Same with Viggo Mortenson. People seem way too impressed with David Cronenberg. I saw "A History of Violence", I wasn't impressed.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" (Warner Bros.)
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War" (Universal)
Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild" (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)

Casey Affleck looks like he's 17 years old and his brother has him playing Private Investigators in really gritty movies! Both Afflecks should get attacked by AIDS filled rabid possums.

And no one misses Ben Affleck, someone tell him to stay away from in front of the camera. He had his shot, and he blew it.

Javier Bardem was fine, and he won, and it was a crime, no I didn't see the dumb movie... I'm not sure if I want to support this Josh Brolin Comeback we seem to be in the midst of.

Philip Seymour Hoffman gets too much praise. he should do a stupid comedy movie with Martin Lawrence... just to cleanse the palette.

Hal Holbrook should have won it because... well come on, he doesn't have much time left, he's been at this for decades... give him a break.

But Tom Wilkinson PWNED Michael Clayton... this guy REALLY should have won! He was just the SHITS! And he took part in the greatest death scene on movie history.

Holbrook and Wilkinson were cornholed out.

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" (Universal)
Julie Christie in "Away from Her" (Lionsgate)
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in "The Savages" (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in "Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production)

UGH THE SAME NAMES!! Except for two new ones... and the kid who got pregnant lost to this other one that, I can promise you, MAYBE TEN PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF HOLLYWOOD SAW.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There" (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in "American Gangster" (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement" (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" (Miramax)
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.)

Amy Ryan was real good in Gone Baby Gone (I fingered a black girl while watching that movie). Ruby Dee is an old black woman who played an old black momma and there was nothing special except for one scene. I'm sick of all this Bob Dylan love. He hasn't been relevant since the 70's.

Achievement in directing

"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (Miramax/Pathé Renn), Julian Schnabel
"Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production), Jason Reitman
"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.), Tony Gilroy
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Paul Thomas Anderson

There was nothing imaginative about Michael Clayton's direction or cinematography... it was as if Kevin Smith directed it.

The best part of this is watching Paul Thomas Anderson get all pissy when he doesn't win. When he got fucked out of "Magnolia", he was practically crying in rage while his girlfriend, Fiona Apple, consoled him and looked so sad.

PTA kept it tight this time around, but he did wince when they announced that the Coen boys won

And don't misread... "Magnolia" was a horror show of gross arrogance and preening. Total vanity project.

Best motion picture of the year

"Atonement" (Focus Features) A Working Title Production: Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
"Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production) A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production: Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
"Michael Clayton" (Warner Bros.) A Clayton Productions, LLC Production: Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production: Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) A JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production: JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers

Same thing I said above applies here. I think PTA grimaced, like he just farted and a little turtle head popped out and he was fighting to get it back in.

And then Josh Stewart hustled off the air.

OH, one more note... thank God Heath Ledger died... because they were REALLY low on big names that anyone would recognize. They also didn't feel Brad Renfro deserved a frame... because NO ONE in this town does hard drugs.

I know you want comments commented on... but the hour is running late. Sooooo, here are five of them...

1) November 12, 2007 12:07 AM Anonymous said... And what about starting your own site? I mean not everyone has the wisdom to seek you out and find you here. Maybe something that deals with more than wrestling - literary arts, guides to life, And Anohter Things... or does this do what you need it to do?
Just checking, JT

November 12??? Holy crap!! November 12 was so long ago, girls who were telling me they loved me then want NOTHING to do with me now!! Time flies.

I would never start my own site because... I'd have no idea what I'd do with it, I have no patience for html coding, and... after watching Widro spend years frantically keeping Inside Pulse from crashing... and watching it crash anyway... no thanks. This'll do me just fine.

If anything, I MIGHT move this to Live Journal only because I can have a front page with a portion of these entrys and then you can click to the full blog.

But... but then I have to have friends and pictures and interests and it just seems do fucking dumb and I am so against that and MySpace and Facebook and it's just not me.

And I'm not allowed to tell MySpace jokes anymore. A sad day indeed.

Personal websites serve no purpose for me. But anyone remember when Scooter Keith used blogspot as his blog... and every so often the blog would vanish... then he would come back and say, "I dunno what happened?"...

Heh.

2) November 15, 2007 2:09 AM... Brian said... I'm really liking this blog, I think I have learned more about you in a few months than in seven years. Being someone who has given up wrestling its nice to read you without having to read about wrestling BS. Also its a nice quick read, nothing too long. So what do you think of drugs and what drugs have you done during the course of your life?

Pot, coke, Ex, and dropped acid once in the 11th grade. The coke was a recent experience, done with a girl who insisted... we were naked at the time and we both found interesting places to snort it. I couldn't hang for more than three hits though... well, one line and two hits... all within a five hour period... we were naked for a looong time.

This was a white girl, by the way.

That was an amazing weekend... luckily I busted that coke cherry in my thirties rtather than in my twenties... because I know I couldn't handle a full out habit now... but 12 years ago, I would'a gone to town.

I also have a cousin who's a major cokehead and a general piece of shit... so he's like a nice little reminder not to get into something that could fuck me up.

I took ecstasy at a party and had a good time, but that's all I remember. Nothing bad, nothing good, just another party and I remember smiling a lot.

Pot... when I was younger I came home late one morning (2 am) all wasted from the weed and I made myself a gigantic pot of spaghetti... two boxes of pasta and three jars of gravy and I swear to Christ I ate half of it before going to bed. I was sick for two days later.

Then there was the time a friend of mine came home from the Army for a weekend (he was in Germany, this was before the current war) and he brought some amazing weed... and I got sick going through more then one less then four pints of Ben & Jerrys...

I smoke pot I let my ID go fuck crazy and my ID wants to EAT... I do coke and my ID wants to FUCK. Coke will own you for life... pot is addictive only to the dumbest of the dumbfucks, but it makes me unGodly hungry.

So I choose beer... yeah, it's almost as bad as the post-pot chowtime, but it also makes me sleepy. Sam Adams! yessir.

Did I say 5? I meant two. I have to go now. But first...


FINALLY, and this is the last time I discuss this...



Go watch Rhianna rock out "Umbrella" on some awards show with some silly British band I've never heard of, thus they never busted in the states, thus they don't really matter (like Robbie Williams and Baby Shambles). But it's "Umbrella", and I love this fucking song!!!

And not so long ago, the song meant something else... and I bet IT STILL DOES!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA... AAAA...AAAaaaa eh...

That's all I'm going to say. I have to catch up on comments. So that's the next time. All comments. COMMENTS!!!

Good Morning

I am busy working on a nice entry and will have it up tonight.

I feel like I'm part of a chapter that, after being reread way too many times, is finally getting slowly buried by page after page of the next chapter.

Sad thing is, I'm too tired to fight it anymore.

Make That Scowl Throw In The Towel

Not sure what the weekend holds, but I'll try to put up a big time post tonight, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe Sunday.

And because someone near/dear to me can use a break, I'll skip the obligatory tease/gripe about the differences between Fridays and Saturdays. There will be plenty of other weekends coming after this one to gripe away.

Current mood is... ACES, BABY!!!!!

Missing Link

There used to be a link here, but its gone. However, the comments stay because those ended up being more interesting than the link itself.

Short 'n' shorter

Aww man, Roy Scheider died.

He was us in Jaws.

He didn't know anything about the water, or what swam underneath it. He just wanted to make sure his beach was safe for his kids.

That was the beauty of Roy Scheider's performace in Jaws. He was the sheriff of Amity Island, and he policed it with a sure, but fair hand. He knew what he was doing, and he was good at it.

But once he got on the water, he was literally, ironically, in over his head. He didn't know what he was doing, and often felt inadequate with the old sea horse, Captain Quint and the expert marine biologist Hooper.

Look, Roy Scheider wasn't the greatest actor there was, and Jaws would still be one of the best horror/action movies ever without him...

But man... he played the part perfectly.

Now... in honor of the man... how about a little male bonding... you girls can join in too...

Show me the way to go home... I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour agooo and its gone right to my head. Whenever I may roam... in land or sea or foam. You can always hear me singing this song, show me the way to go home...

boom boom boom

SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME....BOOMBOOM BOOM... I'M TIRED AND I WANNA GO TO BED. I HAD A LITTLE DRINK ABOUT AN HOUR AGOOOO AND IT'S GONE RIGHT TO MY HEAD. WHENEVER I MAY ROAM... IN LAND OR SEA OR FOAM... YOU CAN ALWAYS HEAR ME SINGING THIS SOOOONG, SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME.

BOOM BOOM BOOM...

Ahh, let the pros do it... and watch Scheider being the last to realize that there was trouble afoot in the water. Small, nuanced touches...

Short 'n' short

Magic Hat puts out a good line of beer. I'm currently well beered up.

Also got fairly laid tonight too. SCORE.

Ugh, such a dork.

I scowled at NO ONE tonight- Hyatte likes to chill oot and not worry about who's goosing his ducks.

Tha fuck amI talking about?

"No one, No one, NO OOOOOOOOONEEEEE cangetintheway I feel for youuuuuu"

Alicia brings the HEAT! Put her soul in that song.

And somewhere along the line, Fergie started looking like her momma was raped by a big cat.

Bad marriages make cute girls look like crackheads. This is my observation of the week. Breaks my heart... for so many reasons

February 8, 2008 9:49 AM Anonymous said... ALERT FOR PWTORCH READERS COMING FEB. 11, 2008 - 9 A.M. ET. A NEW DAILY DESTINATION FOR ALL PRO WRESTLING FANS ON THE NET

Turns out, Wade Keller bought www.prowrestling.net a while ago, and decided to launch it with Jason Powell running things and getting back in the game of pro wrestling online.

So, the fuss is about ANOTHER site that gets its news a week after Meltzer reports... well NEEDED, MOTHERFUKKA.

You know it's been a year and four days since my last Midnight News? And they said my EGO wouldn't let this last so long.

I still think Jason Powell likes to get himself fisted in the stalls of some of Minneapolis/St. Paul's finer bus terminals.

A good way to avoid me is to make Friday nights your designated chill night. Plenty of MySpace peeps can line up and thank me for not being around.

Outplayed, yes. But until YOU can play on an NFL team and go 18-1, you can FUCK YOURSELVES!!

They had the mother and blew it with TWO MINUTES TO GO IN THE ENTIRE SEASON!!

Shit like this NEVER happens in soccer, or hockey... which is why American sports rule.

But we here in New England... yeah, we still have those Red Sox... yup, and the Celtics... HELLO!! And a mightily pissed off Bill Belichek. And a FURIOUS Tom Brady.

And Derek Jeter hasn't won a world series since 2000 (but lost PLENTY since... heh... hahahaha). Highest bankroll ever.

God bless Redtube. Man o'live, we are doomed.

I still like Hillary.

More later. One great thing about beer is that it keeps the tubes fresh. The piss flows STEADY!! As does the semen.