Earlier
Oh yes, please thrill us by talking about the weather in Rhode Island, Rhianna, and the Scotsman.
Tickle our fancy by reporting on how fat Mariah Carey has gotten. Way to know your audience.
Or please, make jokes about the last guy you fucked on cyberspace. You know, you crack jokes about it enough, it starts to ring true.
Problem for you is, that is the very first time I've ever made a joke about cyberfucking some dude. So I guess there's no danger of it ringing true.
Choose your cliches more wisely, stupid.
And I know my audience, you don't. You expect me to know what YOU want because you don't speak for everyone. But I know what you want. And, as I said hundreds of times over the last three years... you ain't going to get it.
So why are you still reading this?
I'm Chris and 3 years after I wrote my last column, I still get haters here. That's talent.
Rhode Island weather has been seasonal and nice. Rhianna dresses like a nice girl who has a lot of record execs/managers who want her to slut it up. And the only people who care about what I think about the Scotsman are his message board bitches just looking to start crap.
And Mariah Carey is so far gone down the rabbit hole of celebrity that she has no earthly idea as to how to relate to anyone anymore. She just has no clue what's happening in the world today.
I've been gone for a while just working, playing, and actually writing stuff. I've also been wondering why should I start texting people when they are doing just fine ignoring my emails. I'd rather not blow money sending a text that won't be answered when there's free email that can be ignored just as well.
This is the way I will do things this evening... random stuff. Such as...
* If you've seen the movie The Human Centipede, I want a review... right here, as soon as you can. This movie freaked me out... AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT. I need a first hand opinion. It's sitting there, on my In Demand movie selection, just waiting to be clicked and paid for, and I can't... it's too pervy for me and I'm not about to have the girl over to see it. She might never let me sit on her face again if I did.
* So, whoever gave away the entire Survivor elimination list last month, including the exact results of the LIVE VOTE that the producers really keep a tight lid on... jokes on you, dickface. The joy of this year's Survivor wasn't who got cut each week, but how they played the game right up until the votes were written. I didn't lose a single moment of pleasure because of your dick move.
* And clearly, since there is no way this tightly guarded show couldn't be spoiled by some nobody, someone who works on the show was busy googling the show or cast members one boring night, found this blog, and decided to spoil it all. Nice going. Show still rocks. Maybe it was the same producer who might have killed his wife?? Cool.
* I think this blog will outlast Justin Bieber's career. Anyone care to bet against?
*
This is Sasha Grey. She is a porn star who does some really gnarly shit on camera. She is also a star of a mainstream Steven Soderberg film, a spokesgirl for PETA, and about to have a featured, long running guest star role on Entourage. Basically, she is about as breakout a star as the porn world will ever produce. And I have no idea why.* I will no longer date black women because of Jerry Springer. Every time black women fight on his show, their lovely weaves get yanked out and then we get wild nappy hair sticking out in all directions. And then I realized why they never let me pull their hair. And I'm eternally thankful for this too. It would just... kill my erection.
* The end of Iron Man 2, I mean the REAL end, after the credits, is a glimpse of Thor's hammer in the desert. Nothing to it at all. There, I just saved you the pain of sitting through the credits like a mook while an usher sweeps every row but yours and shoots you impatient looks.
* The problem with NXT is the very basis of the show is bullshit. What's the appeal of watching rookies fight for a job when the fucking company has the whole thing scripted out from day one? You can't do a reality elimination show without the REALITY!!
* The problem with the WWE's PG direction is that it worked on Saturday mornings when kids (like me) were up and just watched cartoons all morning and were ready for some Hulk-a-Mania antics. It doesn't work on Monday nights when it runs way past every kids bedtime... that keeps the ratings down into the 3's because TiVos aren't counted.
* Oh, and the other problem is kids like UFC, and Dana White is very sneaky about marketing the company like the WWE for grownups... which kids follow anyway.
Parts 2, 3, 4, 5, etc will go down on a nightly basis every day until I get sick of it.
