Everyone's been busy lately. Juan's in jail. Mary Beth is having maja boyfriend problems. Junior is too busy smoking weed. Alan's getting his herpes checked out. Hyatte hasn't been around in weeks, I think he died, or got married again, or went to Canada to kick a bitch's ass. So you got me. Now back to regularly scheduled blogging.
Hey YOU, special message at our special place. Go look at it. Time's running out, in more ways than one.
I figured since you all like fresh blogs, I'd take the ones from the last post that I didn't get to and start things off with them here. Cut and pasting are my FRIENDS!
-Barrack Obama
I still LOVE the fact that he settled a possible huge beef between a white cop and a black Harvard professor by having them over at the White House and having a beer. That is so old school cool, you have no idea.
I ALSO like that his is the first staff to REALLY embrace today's technology. George Bush never texted or emailed anyone.
But if he doesn't get moving with some results, if he doesn't start making solid, univerally embraced moves to pull us out of this hole we're in... I'm thinking he might end up a one term President. I've never seen, or even heard of a President that's under so much scrutiny. I mean, conservative media doesn't even bother to HIDE their disdain for him anymore.
Well... okay... I'm sure Abe Lincoln had a polarized country on his ass constantly, but news moved so SLOWWWWW back then. And in the end, being shot in the head, notwithstanding, he ended up with a pretty awesome legacy. One of our best Presidents, that Honest Abe.
I hope Obama earns the same historical standing... except, of course, for being assasinated. Don't need that. Nope. Let him live a full, rich life until he passes peacefully from natural causes. (That goes out to my Secret Service friends who probably have technology that triggers red flags whenever some harmless, innocent, live and let live net writer puts the words "Obama" and "assasinated" within twenty words of each other. Hello boys! God bless you and God bless President Obama!! He's trying, lord knows he's trying!
-Ronald Reagan
We needed him at the right time, and we got him, and the 80's were HOT for the fist half of the decade. Then he started forgetting things and... well, things went downhill slowly, but surely.
Money wise, the 80's were fantastic. Everyone made money who was in a position to do so. Culturally wise, the 80's was a shit bucket. The music sucked, TV sucked, and movies were 90% godawful. We did have Arnold and Sly though.
Mostly, because of bad ass action movies, the Reagan years gave America our arrogance. Reagan made us a nation of tough guys; patriotic bad asses who stared down the Evil Empire until one of their Nuke plants melted down and they asked us for help. Man, we were cocky little shits about it, too, but we helped, we gave a hand. We showed kindness and benevolence while still being bad asses. One of our more prouder eras. Reagan made us all feel patriotic, and the culture of the 80's... despite the shitty music and lameass TV, helped cement it.
So really, Reagan helped us get over Nixon and Vietnam. Then he started forgetting things.
We needed him.
-Oh and for my choice, Michael Moore.:
One ugly brother, and how his heart hasn't dropped him cold yet is beyond me.
He's just as guilty as everyone else in the media of picking a side and hammering it down. He's a flagrant manipulator of his views and doesn't try to hide whatever agenda he's taking 90 minutes of docu-movie to push through. He started out with an easy topic - who doesn't like seeing some cold-blooded CEO of a really bad car company get tortured for his malfeasance and general heartlessness? He moved onto guns, another easy topic... sort of... and chased Charlton Heston away.
Then he went after President Bush, which is fine because Bush was in over his head and surrounded himself with evil, pure evil advisors, but then Moore's slight tweaking of the facts... or his HIGHLIGHTING of certain facts while abandoning others... became more apparent.
Then he blasted our health care system, another easy target which he played it more or less straightforward (probably because of the backlash from his Bush flick) and finally his BORING stab at our Democratic essense in general. He likes to blaze his guns and shout, "These corporations are bad, bad, BAD!!!"
Which is fine if you're a liberal, or a working class joe who is always worried about keeping someone from firing you. It's also fine for a Conservative who needs targets to throw rocks at.
But if you're a thoughtful soul interested in looking at all the facts and making your OWN conclusions... all this slanted viewpoints get VERY tiresome. Michael Moore makes sense, Rush Limbaugh makes sense, Bill O'Reilly makes sense, Sean Hannity makes sense... ARRRRRRGH!!
Walter Cronkite, if he was alive today and about 25 years younger, would've told all of these numbnuts to go get bent.
But Moore does put together some great documentaries, tho'... although he didn't have to spend ALL THAT TIME in the movie "Sicko" talking about how great the French HEalth care system was.
He does need a makeover too. Haircut, contacts, nosejob, new teeth, that turkey neck sliced off and tightened.
-Scotsman
I've dropped in on Scotsman's various sites from time to time, (and I ain't gonna plug any of them because he probably doesn't need it, he probably have more readers than me now, and because half of the kids who frequent his message board also visits here... one of whom no doubt suggested his name here) and I have realize a couple of things about him:
1) He's all grown up and sometimes fights that fact tooth and nail. He'll never post credit card numbers anymore or talk about cumming inside burritoes, but he still talks about his various adventures and still tries to be a madman, and still takes pictures of his filthy kitchen and shows his flabby white ass and takes pictures of disgusting food those Canadians eat. He still TRIES to be the dreaded "Scotsman". But he's got a wife and kids a responsibilites and it shows. He's a grown up, and not one to be feared anymore.
2) He claims to be making a GREAT living working online exclusively. Maybe, maybe not. Probably. I think he makes his point discreetly clear just to make sure those aforementioned kids who post on his board and love him to bits always remember that he's slightly better then them.
3) He's got a goofy accent.
But basically, he's still okay. Although I will say... for the third tiome in this blog, only because you asked... he ain't no gambler until he loses EVERYTHING... at least once. Until then, he's just playin'.
-Jim Ross
Kicking and screaming, Good Ol' JR goes into the modern day wrestling. Not a blog goes by when he doesn't proudly bellow, "HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR ANYONE? THEY DON'T TELL ME NOTHING ANYMORE!!" He's lying. He knows plenty. He can skillfully and factually answer every single question his reads ask... he just chooses not to. In a way, he's holding onto the last shred of kayfabe left in that business.
In one sense I think Jim Ross is a born bitch, in another sense I think he's damn logical. The WWE treats him like absolute shit. He could be on his death bed and Vince will waste our time with a skit about his surgery. They yanked in from RAW on live TV and he pitched a major fit on live TV about it because he was never told. For YEARS Vince and Kevin Dunn made no secret that they wanted him off RAW because he was too old, too fat, too southern for what they wanted presented. Dunn wants handsome, young, bland men to narrate his television shows (I think Dunn is exercising a closet fetish of his, makes me wonder if he doesn't hold his own "tickle parties" during production meetings.) They tried for YEARS to get rid of him, but we... the fans, made it clear that he was our guy, his was the voice of RAW and the one we wanted to hear call the great moments in the ring.
And finally, like he ALWAYS fucking does, Vince said "Fuck the fans" and pulled the trigger. Ross went to Smackdown and that fucking useless poof, Michael Cole, who saw fit to never attempt to improve after 10 + years of announcing, is in our ears every Monday with his fake laughter, fake sincerity, and awkward repeating of everything fed to him over his headset... word for word.
If I was JR, and I had his money, I would run to TNA because Dixie would kill to have him as her product's primary narrator. Shit, he would even make Hogan look good.
But JR is a prison bitch. He takes what they do to him and just keeps resigning year after year.
On the other hand... WWE is where the money's at. And he'll be back on RAW before long... so long as his damn smile doesn't keep vanishing and taking half the nerves on his face with it. And who wants to spend energy trying to get Jeff Jarrett over? TNA's been trying that for 8 years now. It ain't working!!
His BBQ joint is probably on the cheap side too.
-Anonymous
A necessary evil to this. Free speech comes with a price, and for me, its letting people post in the dark... in hiding... in their comfort zone. Cowardly little rodents.
Ahhh but then you can let it all hang out, with no fear that I'd find your home address and visit you and buttfuck your mother while you watched. I'D DO IT TOO!!! But anyway, anonymous posts are fine, so long as I control them and occasionally eliminate the feature just to shut you folks up. Plus its a really neat way for all ten of you to pad the shit out of these comment sections and make me look good.
-Will Leitch
No idea who that is. Well, I DO... Deadspin, New York sports writer, sassy blogger with a heart of stone. But I've never read him.
I'm sure he's awesome and will change they way I THINK, but I get my sports from Reilly, Simmons, Gary Smith, and "Inside Sports with Bryant Gumble" (take "60 Minutes" and apply it to sports and there ya' go, with sports reporters who have just as strong a pedigree as anyone on "80"). If there is a Sports Illustrated hanging out in some waiting room, I'll peruse it.
And now I can start rolling. Here's what's on the docket for the next few days:
-The librarian chick from Orange County, FL! I only remember this person from your old writing because I emailed you a few times with news on Scooter's books (I am a librarian in FL as well, but West Coast).
That would be Amanda. I thought she might have died but I caught her online a few times, no doubt looking for me to make sure I don't say too much here about her.
Simply put, Amamda was my first online love. Yeah, yeah, I know, GAY!! *COUGHHOMOHACK*, but its the truth.
Anyway, I will give her a few more opportunities to find me and let me know how much she wants me to say about things before I just go for it on my own accord. I suggest she figures out a way to leave a note for me. Or email.
Nothing for days, so I'm going for it.
Amanda and I went our seperate ways, then she came back a few years ago because a very close friend of hers died and she was freaking out. I was tough to get ahold of so she turned to Josh Grut, of all people, who helped her out more than I ever could... and apparently, when I tried helping her out, I bombed royally.
Anyway, She sent Grut a picture of herself and Grut apparently got really horny and turned on the SMOOTHNESS and basically chased her away. I didn't hear from her for years after.
Then she recently came back looking for me because... umm... something else happened to her that affected her personally and I seem to be her go-to guy for these matters... but I guess I BOMBED again because I haven't heard from her since.
What happened to her is tragic and horrible and ridiculous for a girl her age... and ever time she has sex she has to stop and take deep breaths because her heart rate can't get too high and BOY is that a great way to break the mood... almost as lame as having your fucking parrot scream bloody murder and try to chew through the door while your trying to get a groove going.
Oh, and Amanda is married now so has to be careful because she can only talk to me when the husband isn't around... which I find charming since most of the married chicks I get into it with could care less.
So Amanda is out there, somewhere in Florida, telling kids all about the dewey decimal system and trying to live to see 30. And she'll always have a friend here... whether she likes it or not.
I'm good that way.
-Rick Reilly
He's a sports writer, one of my favorites. One of a LOT of people's favorites, in fact. Won many awards, year after year, so much so that other sports writers joke about it.
He also held the most prestigious gig in all of sports writing. The last page of Sports Illustrated. His name, his column, his picture, all to himself on the very last page of the magazine. Before Reilly took that spot, it didn't exist. They created it just for him over 20 years ago. Imagine the trust to have for him to do that.
Reilly was responsible for two of the best long-form sports pieces I've ever read: the profile n Bryant Gumble and the profile on Marge Schott. The former changed the way we looked at Bryant forever (he was host of the Today Show at the time and at his hottest, and the latter helped Major League Baseball kick Schott out for good. His "Life of Reilly" last page columns moved me to tears once in a while, tore apart the right people when needed, and was usually a brilliantly funny read. He had no equal and had the best column going... for over 20 years his home was the last page of Sports Illustrated.
Then he got divorced, and like with most divorces, it changed Reilly. He lost a lot of his money (and he was probably a solid millionaire) to his wife, and like all rich divorcees, wanted to recoup it back as quick as possible.
So ESPN offered him more money and the back page of their magazine and a weekly column on their website and THE CHANCE TO SHOW THAT BILL SIMMONS CLOWN WHO'S BOSS!!! and a semi-regular TV show and a whole bunch of stuff. Basically, making him a major contributor/part of ESPN. And he took it.
And the quality of his awesome little 850 word columns suffered, because he has a lot more to do now. And he gave up the ESPN back page, to get rid of that deadline because of all his new gigs.
And he's got a fairly nerdy face, one totally built for print media.
Me? I don't think I would've given up the most prestigious, sought after job in all of sports writing, but I also never had to give up half of everything I've ever made in the last 20 years either. Plus I don't have a hardon for golf and the chance to cover it on TV.
Great writer who is in the middle of a small mid-life crisis. There's a reason I chose two of his books for my book of the month column thing way back when.
His love affair with Tiger Woods is a bit silly too, especially these days. Then there was the column where he proclaimed Kobe Bryant as being better than Jordan, just a month or so before Kobe was accused of rape... whoopsie.
-The cast of Jersey Shore. I know you said one person.so just treat the entire cast as a singular take on east coast youth.
It IS only one person at a time, but I'll make the exception.
They can have all the fun in the word now because they ain't gonna be anything in 3 years. Classic case of hot fad.
All those buff guys are going to be all flabby and roughed-out when they get older, like 30ish. It's inevitable, they're Italians. Ever see a guinea using hair products on a receeding hairline? IT'S NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!! But its as funny as fake shit on your teacher's chair.
And poor Snookie can and WILL go 100% pork pie on us. Oh yes, those reunion shows are going to be a nightmare for her. She's already chubby, and her face is already rocking the perpetual snarl. In less than ten years, ol' Snookie's gonna look like one of those housewifes from "Goodfellas"... and that mole will get bigger and hairier.
I know real Italian Americans are up in arms about these cliches, and I hope they take a piss on "The Sopranos" while they are at it... but in the end, its about young, stupid people getting laid all summer long, and MTV filming it because they really can't afford to produce anything actually compelling or thoughtful. Young hot dudes scoring chicks, and a couple of chicks getting scored on by hot dudes, and no one with a care in the world.
Enjoy it for the 3 years it'll last, or ignore it, because it's not going to amount to much of anything. If their was a living, breathing definition of "Blip on the cultural radar" right now, it's Jersey Shore. Except for the Situation, who has probably spawned about 5 million gay yet oddly awesome nicknames from guinea boys all over the country.
-Berkeley Breathed
Creator of "Bloom County" and from what I recently read, probably has no idea just how influential he was.
And there is no way Bloom County could live in today's day and age. Read some of the strips again, or for the first time, you'de be amazed at some of the adult content and language he got away with in the Sunday morning funnies... or the weekly strips.
Funniest strip to ever come down the pike. And 100X more political and sharp than that dumb-ass "Doonsbury", which never featured a joke that I got, or liked... and I'm a smart guy!
Speaking of newspaper comic strips... the nuttiest story I've heard so far is that the mom in all those "Family Circus" strips is now dying of Alzheimer's. I bet she's still chasing that rascal Billy around the yard. Only he's 60 years old and some accountant now, possibly screaming, "ENOUGH MA OR I'LL SEND YOU TO AN OLD FOLKS HOME TO DIE!!!" Billy was such an asshole.
One last note on Bloom County... Flea looks JUST like Steve Dallas... and he's ding dong proud of it.
-Hal Jordan
A fictional comic book super hero who is molded as ALL comic book heroes created nine million years ago by DC: Noble, sincere, righteous,decent, kind, and responsible. All black and white with these guys, no shades of gray. You need Marvel to go to shades of gray.
Of course, DC tries to fiddle around with cutting edge, new characters, and now almost every major hero has been replaced by some young, hip, dude for a spell so the KIDS can relate. These kids get to be a bit edgier for a while until they bring back the standards.
But above all else, please remember, Hal Jordan... Green Lantern, is a made up comic book character who has had thousands of writers speak through him, and hundreds of editors on hand to make sure no one fucks with his essense too much.
Personally, I think DC dropped the ball with Guy Gardner. That guy could've made them a LOT of money had they ran with Keith Giffen's 80's "Justice League" vision. Because he's the kind of Guy that would get the ring in real life... brash, confident, stubborn, and yet, noble. And who wouldn't use the ring to make their own beer?
-'Goody'
A nice enough kid with a good heart who made more than a few mistakes that has made- for better or for worse- who he is as an adult. He is the reason one of my personal believes is that we are all shaped by our own regrets. He also taught me that friends are disposable. And married chicks are fun to fuck with.
Goody had some awesome sex, tho'. The boy was gooooooood.
-Wrestling fans that are over 35 and always complaining
I think they know of a time when they couldn't WAIT for Mondays at 8 pm, because that's when Nitro started. Then they coudn't WAIT for one hour later when RAW started and you had NO idea what would happen next. They remember Stone Cold Steve Austin flipping off Vince McMahon and the amazed, shocked, appalled, OUTRAGED look Vince gave him back.
They remember the announcer, Jim Ross, putting real passion into his broadcasts, and not phoning it in like he was doing for years. They remember Mick Foley being an actual star on nationwide TV and being so happy for him because no one worked as hard or deserved it more than Mick.
They remember how unpredictable it all was, how no one could spoil what would happen next because no one knew.
And... some of them at least, might remember when they could go online Tuesday and read some very good, very different recaps of both shows.
These old coots remember the attitude era, (or even going back, back, BACK to the NWA on TBS - real Southern wrestling booking) and wonder when can they tune into RAW again and not see everything coming a mile away.
You see, Steve Austin just happened. He wasn't supposed to be the most popular act in the company's history, he just found a fresh gimmick and made it work. Hulk Hogan before him was programmed from the get-go to carry the WWF ball. John Cena is now programmed to carry the ball. The policy is to pick someone with the right look and jam them down our throats until we accept them.
Well, we cheered Austin until they had no choice but to roll with it, and he made the company tens of millions for it.
So I can see why us oild timers complain. We knew of a time when it was better, much better. Its not even opinion here, my friends, it is fact... the WWE was much better before they got the F out.
Watch the In Demand channel. Every week they replay an old Raw and Nitro from those crazy 90's. You'll always wonder what's going to happen next.
-Dennis Miller
He had his run. Like Bill Maher, Miller was always a little too arrogant for my tastes, too smarmy, too full of himself.
And he's one of the few comics who's funnier when someone else is doing an impression of him. Dana Carvey's old "SNL" bit where he'd do Dennis Miller was always funnier than Miller himself... and then Tom Hanks showed up one night and did an impression of Dana Carvey's impression, which was nothing more than him saying, "babe, babe, babe, babe" like a chicken. Good times.
I did get a kick out of hearing that when Miller hosted RAW, and his couple of jokes bombed (which he promptly blamed the audience for not getting, which tells you all you need to know about him), Vince McMahon tried to take him aside and give him a few pointers about how to play to the audience. Of all the people... HA!! God bless Vince's ego. HA!
Still, Miller is a pro. Give him a chance and he'll make you laugh. Or at least, himself.
-crz
Last time I went to his message board, he posted a picture of himself with shorter hair, but still a hippie cut. He's always had long, untamed hair.
Fine, but now its on top of a really flabby guy with a really cheesy mustache.
I got nothing to say here. It's been so long ago since I had any real reason to run him through my mind. He's still married? His wife still a possible dude?
All I csn say is that I hope he's walked into a gym for more than just to ask directions to the nearest McDonalds. I hope he recognized that proper hair styling can be his FRIEND... and hippies are part of a 40 year old DEAD culture. I hope he either grew a decent mustache or shaved it off but stop fucking with the cheesy unmanly dirt smudge.
And I hope he finally can admit that I was his recapping superior in every way, shape, and fucking form.
-Modern wrestling fans who dismiss or ridicule fans with an interest pre-dating their own... Not that its pointed at anyone in particular or anything.
Ahhh, the retort. I smiled when I saw this pop up a few hours after the one up top. I hope it wasn't the same person.
I too, get a larf out of the "wrestling classics" message board geezers who refuse to talk up anything that happened after Ole Anderson stopped booking Georgia shows in the early 80's. You mean there is NOTHING that happened since that was cool? NOTHING??
It's like the old timers who refuse to acknowledge any music after Zeppelin broke up, or the Beatles, or after Skynard's plane crashed. Kurt Cobain? Bah!! Eddie Vedder?? GAH!! DAVE GROHL??? BLEE...oh well, he's fairly universally appreciated for his efforts to save rock all by himself.
Modern fans have to realize that a LOT of really good, really solid wrestling was being booked long before they were even born. And those bookings, those angles, laid the foundation to what we get these days. Every heel turn, every angle twist, every feud being scripted was done before, and better (because it was fresher... and drawn out a lot longer in order to make as much money as possible) a long long time ago.
There was a time, where someone would slap someone or attack someone, or something was started and we could not WAIT for next week to see what happened next. We don't get that much anymore. Even Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon has been douched up because Vince removed all elements of the shoot quality. It's just Mr. McMahon hamming it up on camera... again. Great.
Here's an example, early in the 80's, Hawk and Animal: The Road Warriors were an UNHOLY fucking duo. They sold for NO ONE, they threw grown men around like they were nothing, they totally dominated and decimated their opponents, no matter who, no matter what.
Then they came to WCW in Georgia, and they slowly started turning face... well, the fans cheered and Dusty Rhodes went with it. They were still as all powerful as all get out, and still amazing to watch.
Then they got into it with the Horsemen, and they were attacked. Tully Blanchard gave Animal a Piledriver on the concrete floor.
And Ric Flair slapped Hawk silly while Ole and Arn held him.
And right then, right there, nothing was going to stop me from watching wrestling Saturday evenings at 6:05 pm on TBS. And every heel beatdown of some high end babyface since has never held up to the night The Horsemen made the Road Warriors their bitches.
By the way, I've mentioned this before, but most everyone who watches this stuff says "Smackdown" is the better show of the two (or three if you count TNA). Well, if that's true, its probably because the guy who leads the creative team on SMackdown is a guy who made his bones right in the middle of old school southern wrestling: Freebird Michael Hayes.
And that ain't no coincidence.
-Canadian bulldog
I won't act like I don't know who you are.
You self published a book. How did that work out for you?
Other than that, sorry man, I got nothing. I see you on message boards from time to time and I'm sure you are a huge deal in the real world, and I do know of your name, but... umm... uhh... sorry, got nothing.
-Yourself
NO!! Other than its my birthday today. Any guesses on my age?
-Kurt Cobain
A big pussy who robbed of us years and years of amazing music. Moreso than Lennon. Lennon had hit his peak, I think, Cobain was just starting.
And he allowed Courtney Love access into our lives... which, depending on your tastes, is either a good thing or sheer pain.
Is "Never Gonna Be the Same still our song? Or has that ship long sailed?
-Triple H
-Roger Clemens
-John Edward (psychic not the politician)
-Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy
-The busty flight attendant in the Cheetos "plane" commercial. Think she's enjoying her massage a leetle too much for network TV?
-Mr. Nova, my novanite!
-Artie Lange. Seriously, WTF?!
-S.J. Perelman
-al isaacs
-Glenn Beck
-John Canton
-Widro and Ashish
-Howard Stern
-Rob Halford
So there will be some interesting nuggets dropped, clearly.
But what I REALLY want to do is post a neat little short story. Working on it.
Check back frequently.
