Like the Naval Captain who hates Se(a)men - With Comments!

Hi yourself. Miss you too. But... I'm fed up.

Long past time for a phone call, luv.

******

Here's the irony of today's wrestling scene. That the supposed real wrestling fans- the ones who are despised by everyone who wears a shirt and tie to work for WWE Corporate- their best, BEST shot at getting some honest, legit, REAL wrestling on Monday nights, is in the hands of TNA.

And yet TNA's head writer, Vince Russo, is still (and give him props for consistency, he's been sticking to these guns for years) trying to convince us that his vision, that of a wrestling show with as little actual wrestling content as possible is the way to go. And who DOESN'T think that Russo wouldn't cream himself if TNA started a "Guest Host" gimmick themselves. To write for D-List celebrities and to show off his versatility. He'd finally stop whining.

There's yer irony, that the only shot at actual competition for a wrestling show that hates itself is from a wrestling show who's lead writer hates wrestling even more so then those suits in Stamford.

Not a good time to be a wrestling fan. But a GREAT time to be a UFC fan... ol' Dana White is always making his product slicker and bigger. Spike should put UFC on Monday nights, just jam up the evening with programming. Go right for that fake PG nonsense, put a PPV on every Saturday before a WWE Sunday PPV. The McMahon's won't know what to do.

That's why Raw is keeping the Guest Host gimmick, by the way. To show off their "mainstream" writing team and how VERSATILE they are. They can write ANYTHING... a Price is Right comedy sketch, a Jerry Springer parody, A Priceline.com riff, they can even write jokes for Dennis Miller... who's been doing just fine writing his own stuff for 30 years, but nevermind that. McMahon pays a dozen ex-soap opera writers who don't care that they never get a credit roll at the end of the show (you know, like REAL scripted TV shows) too much money to write awkward prose that have zero linear quality and makes ZERO sense if spoken in the real world for just wrestlers. He wants them writing for big stars!!

And these professional writers are atrocious. No, they really are bad. Try listening to them next time you watch. Watch how awkward it is trying to get to whatever point any given "conversation" John Cena is having with Vince or Batista. These are not good writers.

Ever watch a porno that tries to have a plot? Like the shit Jenna Jameson used to do all the time? Remember how goofy the story and the script was and how funny it is to see Jenna or whoever "act" before the big sex scene? Same deal.

Hell, take Raw and replace all wrestling matches with porn scenes... it'll be like Vivid Video presents RAW. It's actually a perfect fit.

And the BIGGEST irony? The place to get REAL, well produced wrestling that doesn't insult the hardcore fans is on Friday Nights, buried on a network that no one can find (channel 1088 on my box), buried on a night where only broke, fat mutts are at home, and run by an actual EX-WRESTLER with NO soap opera experience whose roots are in Old School Southern rasslin', who also has a habit of getting drunk and calling everyone a nigger.

So, of course, the WWE's best show for wrestling fans is the show that they only keep around so they can run two house show tours rather than one.

But there are some GOOD things about the WWE: Like...

* Sheamus is fascinating to watch. That skin... it's a miracle of genetics. I'm hypnotized by how it absolutely defies pigmentation. Why Vince never thought to hire an albino before is beyond me.

* Maryse is fucking GOLD. No, she's fucking the measuring stick now. And she's just starting out! She can work, her entrance is perfect, her character is fresh, her expressions are spot on, and she can promo. FINALLY, she will be the one to make everyone say, "Trish who?"

* We have the Rock coming back for a short program. And I LOVE that Dwayne Johnson, very diplomatically, already said that, "When I come back, those idiot writers won't put a single word in my mouth. I already told Vince to keep those incompetants away from me." I just hope he isn't there to "pass the torch" to Cena.

* Randy Orton could save wrestling. Period. He, not Cena, could break-out to Steve Austin levels. Everyone knows it, everyone sees it, its just that they are terrified of letting him pass Cena. Cena represents their vision for today's wrestling, Orton does not...

... which, of course, even the dumbest fan can see and is probably why they so badly root for Orton.

* On the corporate side, I am THRILLED that they have instituted classes for the newbies on handling the road schedule and how to prepare for life AFTER wrestling. Forget that drug testing bullshit, teaching the kids how to save their money and how to handle the work schedule of a full time WWE wrestler will help save lifes, and futures, and souls. Now, whether these kids are smart enough to pay attention is one thing, but they have to attend and that shows me something about this fucking company.

And... eww... that's all I got for now. Except I'd be much more interested in a HBK vs HHH Wrestlemania match rather than a HBK/Undertaker rematch and HHH going after Sheamus.

My perfect Wrestlemania lineup?

Undertaker vs Cena

HHH vs HBK

Vince vs Bret Hart

Orton vs Legacy vs Sheamus

Edge vs Jericho

Mysterio vs Batista

Punk vs... I dunno... I hate fantasy booking. Fuck this.

***********

I'm not from England, by the way, I don't like this rumor. You guys climaxed with the "Hyatte's dead" comment drama. That one had friends I've known for years calling and writing to make sure I was still alive. Everyone got worked on that one.

Hmmmm... I'll come back later tonight and answer a lot of comments.

And here it is... later tonight, and for the first time ever, I've kept my word!

1) February 8, 2010 5:01 AM... Bo Diddley said... Bored now. So let's talk about Christopher Hyatte and what we REALLY know, and try to paint a picture of the great man. I'll start:... 1) He's bald

Yup, still am. And I have a full head of gray... oh fuck... gray hair underneath... well, no, not like I have Triple H's hairline or anything, more like Steven Seagal, circa Above The Law

I like bald... saved at least 5 figures on haircuts over the last 12 years.

By the way, Gillette Mach 4 triple blade. The 5 blade Fusion is donkeyspunk. This isn't the first time I plugged the Mach razor.

2) February 8, 2010 1:50 PM... Houlihan said... He will immediately delete any comment that hits too close to home. Sent a 'fake' (probably real) picture of himself to Gloomchen when he thought he was going to tap that formerly large ass. I've seen it. She sent it to me once via livejournal. If it is Chris, he's not at all bad looking and pretty fucking buff (I'M NOT GAAAAAAY!) so I don't know why he distances himself from it. Also, his last name is Gatreau, Goodreau, Gaudreau, some weird fucking french-esque Yankee bs. Or some variation thereof.

Also he fucked his mother.

Yeah, and you sent the pic to all sorts of people. Which is why I gave Gloomie that pic, to see if she's trustworthy. She wasn't.

Here's something about me: I have a razor sharp memory and am scarily observant. I remember throwaway comments from 5 years ago. As soon as you posted this I figured out who you are.

So you can drop the M*A*S*H name and start using your real one.

Do you still show off your gigantic tongue for your Live Journal pic? Are you still even ON Live Journal?

3) February 8, 2010 12:38 PM ... HD said... He's delusional. And possibly not at all who we think.

No, pretty much all the info I have allowed to be revealed is true.

And delusional about WHAT, you fucking idiot.

4) February 3, 2010 4:55 AM … Fergie's Ass said... "So... I figured out a way to post several times a week, I think. Shorter bursts, controlled entries, Less more often rather than more less often. Let's try it."

Nice to see it's going well. You bitch and moan about us bitching and moaning. Maybe that's because you write shit like this.

Oh yeah, you don't owe us anything

I only bitch, I don't moan. Some of you guys do enough of that for me.

And no, I DON'T.

Fergie's ass would never talk to me like that.

5) February 3, 2010 12:13 PM... Anonymous said... Careful there Fergies Ass..... Hyatte will get into a pissy mood, throw all his toys out his virtual pram... and DISABLE COMMENTS. THAT'LL SHOW US.

Nah, it won't show you at all... but it WILL shut you up for a few weeks.

6) February 9, 2010 1:20 PM.... Anonymous said... Random shit: Shatner ROCKS on "Raw Nerve". Even made Weird Al interesting. Great interviews of Rush Limbaugh, Larry Flynt & Jenna Jameson.

You watching "24"?

Howard Stern to replace Simon on "Idol"? Figured you'd be all over that story.

TNA moving to Mondays! Give a shit?

What's your fav energy drink?

Well, it occured to me that Shatner is best when he is in the hands of professionals. When he's on his own, or following the orders of really lousy writers, like WWE Creative and whoever dreamt up those silly Priceline.com ads, he's hopeless. Give him a respectful "Star Trek" script or let David E Kelly write his words and build a character around his strengths, and the man win awards.

His interviews... I've seen a few, and he's nice enough and seems interested in his subjects enough to hold down a 20 minute edited chit chat, but he's Bill Shatner, and he's a lost cause when he isn't properly guided.

I watch each season of "24" on DVD and buy the latest as soon as it comes out. I had a week off from work last week and blitzed through 4 1/2 seasons in 6 days.

Stern isn't leaving satellite radio unless its to retire. He is NOT going to Host "American Idol" because... look, I haven't listened to the guy religiously for years now and when he isn't there to constantly tell you how powerful he is (and boy, he is convincing), you really see just how limited his appeal really is.

No, I mean he is great and all, but "American Idol" is a money making juggernaut that actually beat the Olympics in the ratings. For everybody who worships Stern, there are 10 people who can't stand him. "AI" is too mainstream for him... and I don't see the 12-28 year old female demo being too keen on seeing him on their Idol TV every week.

It's all just a negotiating ploy to get Sirius to pony up as much money as possible for 5 more years. He's not ever leaving that radio studio.

He should write a third book. Since his last book he got divorced, re-married, left regular radio, and had one staff member join the show, replace a beloved Jokeman, and eventually try to kill himself in the worst possible way (stabbing yourself with a knife 9 times, with 6 of them being too shallow to inflict anything but great pain is the most sadistic way to go.) He's got at leat an 800 page monster book in his head that would sell into the 6 figures.

I really do need a nap an hour after guzzling an energy drink, so I like those 5 Hour sippers... but Krunk tastes real good too.

5) February 10, 2010 4:28 PM … Anonymous said... 2nd base is oral what now becomes 5th base?

This actually made me think a sec. Now, I guess its different in all regions, because back when I was a young Hyatte trying to shove his nuts someplace warm, there was no internet to create the end-all, be-all list... I just had to go with whatever my schoolyard was saying at the time...

First base: you're making out. Kissing, her arms around your neck, she's all washed up in the romance and you're just wondering how far you can go before she breaks the mood and cusses you out.

Second base: First base but hands on the titties. Then titties come into deep play. How deep the ball traveled dictated if you got the shirt off or just shoved it to her neck and how much nipple suckage you got.

Third base: Fingering. Now, it doesn't matter how well you got to third base, the amount of fingering you got depends entirely on the girl. Most of us, in High school, just got a solo fnger in there and MAN were we happy just with that. Two fingers was just an extreme, once-in-a-lifetime birthday present. Three fingers weren't possible until she hit her 20's and 30's and that thing was all loose and wild anyway.

Homerun was and is still a Homerun.

Sooo... I don't know where blowjobs come in here... I guess time changed and sucking a guy's junk became more acceptable that letting him finger you... that actually makes sense, now that I think of it.

I always flied out. I spent MUCH too long in the fucking grapefruit leagues.

6) February 11, 2010 2:11 PM ... Anonymous said... Chris, remember when you said Bret Hart was the only wrestler Vince couldn't buy?

No I don't. I said a lot of shit over the last 13 years, dude.

Besides, I meant Sting.

7) February 11, 2010 2:40 PM ... Bigly said... Vince didn't buy Brett. Brett bought Brett...he needed this.

No, Vince bought him... but for half a million for just a few weeks of work and with 100% promo control so those Creative morons aren't giving him word for word scripts. Plus he's come out of it fully vindicated and redeemed...

I just hope to CHRIST he is in decent enough shape not to embarrass himself out there come match time.

8) February 17, 2010 2:48 PM... marvin dorfler said... dead on about orton and maryse ,bilingual promos are always cool especially coming from a piece of ass like her. by the way watch your smokes around this guy ,jack.

I SAID NO PECKERBREATH, NOW SHUT UP!!

Bitch please, like there was a chance I wouldn't get the reference.

9) February 17, 2010 6:17 PM... Anonymous said... Dear Hyatte and readers, I need some advice:

I just recently came across an online conversation between my fiance and a 'friend' of his (up for public view, I didn't go stalking)in which he said he was having second thoughts, she asked him to take back my ring and give it to her, and he said the only way to decide was a romp.

Shortly thereafter he tells me this friend needs to move from Florida to NY and asked him to fly down and drive up with her.

Now keep in mind that
1. this 'friend' is married but didn't ask her own husband to drive with her
2. I've been with my fiance for over three years and have never even met this 'friend'
3. When confronted with the online conversation my fiance said it was all joking around.

So.... what's the concensus, am I being played??

I don't know. I need to see these chats.

And you need to find cybersex transcripts. If they are spending hours describing what they would do to each other, in graphic detail, and it seems to go from messing around to something hardcore and really hot, then you're in trouble... cuz he's cheating on you.

Oh yes, cyberfucking is cheating. Because homie is thinking of her while doing you.

Other than that, all I know is that once your engaged, or married, the general rule is you really can't hang out with friends of the opposite sex unless they are family... and I don't know one guy or girl who would even think of letting his/her spouse help an online friend "move" from another state. He shouldn't want to, either... unless he doesn't love you.

I'd say more but this would turn into a bunch of inside points that would be PAINFULLY true and accurate, but nothing you want to hear.

Investigste further and find the private dirty talks.

Does your fiance build homes for a living? Does he have trouble smiling for pictures? Is this true love or more of a business arrangement? Oh fuck, there I go with the inside tue and accurate points again. Let's move on!

10) February 17, 2010 2:50 PM... Anonymous said... You can either have a conversation with me like a normal person and live up to your promise of not keeping things from me anymore, or I can put your name, address, phone number, email, and photograph up here. You decide.

Hmm... okay, I've decided. Cut loose. Put everything you've got up here. Go for it.

It's a nice run but bluffing off of the PRAYER that there is someone online other than Flea who knows the personal shit can only get you so far. I'm amused tho'.

So go for it, bitch. Calling you OUT!

Now this here is a BLOG!!

The Winter Understands...

Mellow winter so far here in southern New England. I know those poor hillbillies in Florida are dropping dead and breaking out the sweaters from their ding dong attics, "THIS IS WHY AH KEEP MUH SWEATERS, HI-RATE!!! HYUCK!!!" because its freezing, and I know the midwest have gone through something like 4 blizzards in a month... and I know California is drowning in mud and rain. And it is cold over here.

But only one major snowstorm and one small one and a bunch of pain in the ass dustings that make everyone drive 25 miles per hour on 95 for Boston and Providence.

You don't care but I'll explain it anyway. Look at a map online, GO FIND ONE, ASSHOLES!! Rhode Island and Mass are positioned so we have the ocean south and east of us. So, here comes a big ol' snowstorm... well, it generally goes one of three ways:

1) Some system from the northwest pushes it out into the Atlantic ocean, so the gays at Cape Cod (Provincetown: the Northeast's version of San Francisco) get buried while we get a dusting to an inch. Sometimes the storm is shoved way out to sea, and SOMETIMES it is just nudged short of my area and it continues up the coast where it gains strength from the sea and SLAMS Maine/New Hampshire and BURIES those poor hicks.

2) Some system from the ocean cockblocks the storm and shoves it WEST. These systems are pretty weak so we get hit a little harder... 2-4 inches around, while Connecticut, and Western Mass (Worcesterish) gets pounded. Then the storm makes its merry way up North and Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine gets CRUSHED.

3) No system and we get slammed straight on. It happens. Then the storm makes its merry way up north and New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine gets JACKED!! All of us get feet and feet of white shit.

(and sometimes. Maine doesn't get jacked, or touched, these are very occasional, once in a blue moon happenstances. Trust me, if there's snow in New England, Maine's good for a foot.)

So its a crapshoot, but most of the time, God smiles on your boy, Hi-Weight and spares him the pain of shoveling. And reminds him to never move to Maine... EVER.

And that's the only really nice thing about Rhode Island. We get all the seasons. We get the cold, and reasonable amount of snow, about two months of beautiful Spring weather where you sleep like a baby at night, about 6 weeks of Autumn where you sleep like a baby at night, unGodly hot summers, miserably freezing winters, amazing leaf changes. We get it all... with no tornados, a blizzard every ten years or so, a Hurricane once every 20 years, no flooding, no mudslides, no earthquakes, and no typhoons. Mellow.

And boy did I giggle and laugh and thank Christ Himself when last week's blizzard went something like this...



And here was the National Weather Advisory update.

A major snowstorm is taking aim along the Interstate 80 and 95 corridors from Indianapolis to Pittsburgh, New York City, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C. and Richmond.

For people in the Ohio Valley states, from Springfield, Ill., to Columbus, Ohio, this could equal or surpass any single snowstorm of the season so far with some locations set to receive 6 inches or more of snow. Plan on slow travel, cancellations and postponements.

Enough snow and ice will occur over the central and southern Plains to create hazardous driving conditions.

Mid-Atlantic As disruptive as the storm will be in the Midwest and Plains, plan on "no travel" in the Virginias, central and southern Pennsylvania, the Delmarva and much of New Jersey Friday night into Saturday.

Much of this same area will get a foot or more of snow. Accumulations have the potential to reach 2 feet in some areas, matching or exceeding snowfall from the December blizzard.

Since this storm's duration will be less than 24 hours, snowfall rates may reach 3 inches per hour. Storm crews may not be able to keep up.

If you travel during the storm, you will run the risk of getting stuck on the road or waiting for your flight at an airport.

The intense snowfall combined with plunging temperatures and increasing wind are going to result in an all-out blizzard in northern and coastal areas with blowing and drifting snow.

Roads may go from wet to snow covered with near-zero visibility in a matter of minutes.

Trees and power lines could be downed in parts of Kentucky, northwestern North Carolina, southeastern Virginia and the lower Delmarva Peninsula due to wet snow and ice.

Farther north, the storm will just graze southern New England with a few inches of snow.

And I'm here to tell ya', we didn't get so much as a DUSTING!!! The Worst East Coast Blizzard of the last 12 years and I didn't have to brush off my car!

It aint bad over here. Twice a year we get perfect sleeping weather (warm enough to keep windows open, cool enough to use two blankets) for about 6 weeks each, we get ALL the leaves changing colors, 90 degree summers, 20 degree winters, and CRAZY events like 50 degree days right after snowstorms, and one time, in 2003, after a rather nasty winter stuffed with storm after storm after storm... we got a good sized, plow-the-roads snowstorm on June 1st.

Yes, June the first. Even our local weatherguy practically threw up his hands in defeat ON AIR and said, "What can I tell you. New England weather."

'Course, now I just learned that a SECOND monster storm will be re-burying those poor hicks in the Carolinas and Washington... and then it's heading right for yer Pal Hyatte.

Ahhh a couple of inches never hurt no one. Heh... HA... HAHAHA SO TRUE!! SO TRUE, GIRLFRIEND!!

Anyways, Rhode Island sucks in every other conceivable way. The state is broke, everyone's getting taxed to death, and the state is like in the top 5 for unemployment rates in the country. The fucking Rhode Island Italians.... every last one of them a moron...

... well, the Providence Italians, at least.

I haven't checked, but I'm willing to bet that the Rhode Island club scene now is filled with guys who look like "The Situation" and chicks who have "Snooki" hair. Trust me, some dago kid in Providence studied The Jersey Shore and said, "Yo man, that's FRESH, YO!"

Anywhosits...

1) January 22, 2010 8:52 AM... Bigly said... that is a rockin' ass...but I just don't get this Black Eyed Peas thing...or this Fergie Solo thing...rockin' bod yes....but I've got the internet for that fix...what's the hook...and I mean that...what's the hook on Fergie, besides the fact that she looks like she'd let you go ass to vag repeatedly.

Not only that, but I think if you get her hot enough, she'll tongue a hole that was never made to be tongued.

It's the voice, man. What can I say. She's in her 30's, her face just barely hits "cute", she grew up fucking Latino gang members in L.A., she had a meth problem, her body badly wants to be fat but she won't let it, and she has esteem issues.

But her voice is the most banging part of her. Girl can rap, blast, rock, and seduce.

And she's too rich for me. Hell yeah.

Speaking of rap. This dude Drake raps the following:

"It may not mean nothing to y'all, but understand nothing was done for me, so I don't plan on stopping at all, I want this shit forever man, ever man, ever man."

Yeah, why do I think the producers of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" may have a thing to say about how nothing was ever done for this asshole? Yeah, he really made it all on his own. All alone. No help.

Fucking tool. We'll see where he is in 5 years. Probably yapping on a blog about how he never got paid for nothing.

2) January 22, 2010 10:19 AM... Anonymous said... So why can't you do a pop-cult column, jizz-breath? And where's Conan going, ABC or FOX?

Conan's going to Fox.

And because there are too many pop-culture writers out there. Goofing on wrestling was a wide opened, empty field. It was a blank canvas with an audience just dying to read someone not take anything seriously about it.

3) 3) January 22, 2010 1:16 PM... Mike said... I like Fergie cause she looks like she'd do all the dirty things I wouldn't wanna defile my actual chick with.

Oh go ahead and defile her. She might just like it. You'd be surprised what girls think about doing and would with just the right push.

4) January 22, 2010 11:46 PM... Anonymous said... Do you really want to share the rest of your life with me? Or did you think we were just going to spend our lives together without actually sharing them?

Yup... I mean nope... I mean... WHO IS THIS???

5) January 28, 2010 8:06 AM... fbintx said... Hey Chris, My wife is fixing to have twins tomorrow. That'll make 3 daughters for me. I'm dreading teenage years. Gotta go shopping for a shotgun. Frank

Hey Frank, Congrats!! Now you and the Missus should make the following bets:

1) Which one screams, "I HATE YOU!" First.

2) Which one starts smoking first

3) Which one will grow the bigger boobies.

4) Which one brings home a black guy first.

5) Which one goes "Gothic" first (or is it "Emo" now?)

6) Which one sneaks out of the house midnight on a schoolnight first.

7) And, of course, which one gets knocked up first.

The good news is that girls are clean, non-fussy, and want nothing to do with you once puberty hits.

Welcome to Fatherhood!! Get that drinking problem started now.

I'm going to want to discuss wrestling somethime this week, so I'll be back.

What? When do I LIE?