Everything here is all true
Tale #1: NAILED
Jake, my lovely parrot, likes to play during daytime hours which, according to just about everything I know about domesticated pets - and common sense, makes him a perfectly normal bird.
I, however, on my days off, like to alternate between watching TV and napping. Every so often one of the very, VERY, few girls I "date" will have the day free and we'll go shopping, or spend the afternoon fucking each other silly. It's rare, but it happens.... even to yer ol' buddy, Hy-rate.
And I mean ALL afternoon long, you sorry fuckheads.
But this ain't about that. This is about the other week, while I was busy enjoying a nice nap on the couch, Jake decided to crawl over to the end of the couch where my head was and wanted to play... and his favorite game is bite my extremities.
And this fucking bird goes right after my toes, so much so that I sometimes have to punch him to stop it. He hasn't gone after Mr Happy yet... in fact he is kind/smart enough to patiently sit far away and wait while I jack off. Only after I clean up will he come over for finger nipping and kisses and tail pulling.
So, before all this happened, my pinkie looked something like this!
Anyway, he must have picked at my fingers and made noises and tried to get me to play until he was fed up with my inactivity, because my lovely little nap was intruded upon by a nasty pain on the tip of my left pinkie finger. Said pain barged in on whatever dream I was having and TORE ME out of my sleep. I woke up and my finger was THROBBING.
Jake had attacked my pinkie and sliced through the quick of my nail, right in the middle, and sliced it up to the end. Basically, the left third of my pinkie nail was cut in half. Blood wasn't EVERYWHERE, but it was represented.
I looked at my bird, "Jesus Christ, Jake... you motherfucker."
He looked back at me and said, "Hello."
I knocked him off the couch. He had the nerve to act outraged.
Here is what that ungrateful blue and gold cocksucker did to me!!
After washing the wound down, I peeled off the smaller part of the nail, to let the quick grow back and reshape itself without anything blocking it. The pain was what it was but goddammit, I'm a MAN... I can handle pain. Shit, I've slept through major muscle cramps and woke up shocked that my calf was sore.
After clean up, I was looking quite a bit like this!
Two days later I pulled off the bandages - well, okay, the band-aid. (ALL MAN, REMEMBER!?!?) The small part which I pulled off was scabbing over nicely, but the edge of the piece I left was growing new nail crust, the white stuff, the dead skin that God puts on the end of our fingers so we can scratch lottery tickets and become MILLIONAIRES. The nail crust was heading toward the left (west) rim of my finger. I was PSYCHED... I was going to half the coolest pinkie nail in all the world!!
I was wrong. Dead wrong.
It happened at work.
There I was, kicking back at someone's desk after a hard day of (edited by author) when I noticed my pinkie finger felt strange. I examined it thoroughly, poked, prodded, pulled, and licked it all over. Then I asked Ham Slow to lick it and see if it tasted funny. She promptly filed a complaint with human resources. That's another story. Fuckin'... bitch
So then, my pinkie nail, this super cool, badass, its growing like CRAZY, was terribly, terribly loose. I could open it and close it like a door. It wasn't growing fast enough to hook into the ridgeline. It was going to be a nasty, deadly, dangerous piece of bad news that could cause unspeakable trauma.
I mean, let's face it, ever nick a black girl's choochie with a sharp piece of your untrimmed nail? You want to know PAIN, motherfucker?
I was saddened. My plan for a bad ass, cool as fuck pinkie nail was going down the tubes. I knew I needed to level the playing field. I knew I needed to control my own destiny!! I knew I had to do something only dime store torturers from Guatemala do to cursed infidels before Bruce Willis or Rambo Balboa come to save them. SO I took some deep breathes and did the unimaginable!!
And I tore the whole fucking nail right off... or at least the top half.
And... it looked like this:
So what now? I thought. Do I go through life with only half a pinkie nail? Will I be a deformed, ugly, disgusting FREAK!! (Whoa, too late) Will I never be able to dig out those little boggers out of my small nostrils AGAIN??
Well, as it turns out... the quick of the nail DOES grow back, only in layers... and scabby dead skin that flakes away... and purplish wounded skin that TURNS to grey flaky skin and flakes away.
So yes friends, Hyatte will one day have perfectly formed, long, strong, and perfect for vag manipulating fingers... until Jake gets pissed again.
And I'm sure the sumamabitch will... oh yes. This war isn't over yet.
But for now, it's back to business as usual...
The end.
What will happen now is sometime this week I will tell the naked story. Then I will share two of those juicy nightclub bouncer stories from my youth. I will also answer a ton of comments.
So that's like, a LOT of shit over the next 7 days.
For now, though, I'm going to bed.
P.S. click the pics for an enlarged view.
