In lieu of... REAL content...
From the Midnight News: 07/08/2002:
OY MATE, THAT'S MY SNAKE YER WANKING
I'm surprised this wasn't picked up by more people.
Last week, Jake "The Snake" Roberts was uncovered in Merry Ol' London by some radio guys. People who heard the show tell me he was.... "disoriented", but who knows.
One thing's for sure... Jake was either shooting, or intentionally being freaky. It made for a fascinating interview:
-He talked up London for it's building designs. Says parts of the city are so gothic he keeps looking in the sky for Batman! (HAW!! I made that up!!! WORSHIP THE WIT, PEOPLE!!!). Says America is a bunch o'tightwads and London is where the REAL rasslin' fans hang.
-Jake idolizes Charles Manson because he could control minds without the benefit of either talent, brains, or looks.
-Jake does NOT hate Chris "Jeriblow", but doesn't like the fact that Jericho doesn't care about ring psychology or preserving other people's characters. He gives examples of Chris overpowering Rhyno in a match, or back suplexing Chris Benoit several times during a match. Jericho should never be able to overpower a character like Rhyno or take Benoit's trademark moves during a match. Jake feels like Jericho destroyed all the heels, and now he's destroying all the babyfaces. (My God... he's right! JERICHO IS WHY THE WWE IS CRUMBLING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!! JESUS, TRIPLE H BETTER GET BACK TO HOLDING HIM DOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!)
-Jake says that the WWF "sweetened" the crowd noise in the 80's "because they had the Ultimate Warrior around". Good one.
-Jake says that when he was helping write the show, Vince would "kick every writer out of the room and ask him what he thought". Jake was NOT a "yes man"... he told the TRUTH!! Even to VINCE! It was Jake's daughter who got to hear all his lies.
-Says that Vince is afraid of him... he FEARS Jake. Not of him physically, but mentally. See, Jake shoots out brain beams that makes people do nutty things, like start football organizations. (So THAT'S it)
-Jake thinks that F-ing McMahon ruined EVERYTHING, and MTV helped too by making the attention spans of these damn kids so damn short! No WONDER rasslin' sucks, Jake muses, they don't have 30 minutes matches with ten minute REST HOLDS anymore!!! Jake also went and called Rob Van Dam the "AntiChrist"
-Jake says that the WWE has made a few phone calls to him over the years to return in a writing capacity, but Jake just isn't interested. Plus, his phone was always disconnected. You think crack money grows on TREES??
-Then Jake claims to have come up with the idea for Austin in the King of the Ring, for using the "3:16" tailgate, which took off. Jake is sorry that Vince never used his other suggestion of "Austin's Ten Commandments". He also had this wild idea of how Austin could become a Priest and diddle boys in the middle of the ring.... but Vince is a pussy.
-Jake also saw promise in the Headbangers tag team, thought they could be stars, but Vince would always book them in to lose. Felt that "those kids were cool, they were with it". He also claims to have caught Edge during his early years in 1995, and turned McMahon on to him, saying that he would be a success.
-If Jake sees one more "WHO'S IN THE LIMO" gimmick, he'll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said that if he IMAGINES one more "WHO'S IN THE LIMO" gimmick, he'll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said after he gets off the phone, he's going to walk around London proper looking for Limos.
-Jake feels the WWE is "WORST WRESTLING EVER", and he would come back ONLY if they gave him total creative control to turn around the company, because that's the only way he can save it. Then he called Vince Russo a power hungry egomaniac.
-Jake loves us all, but the love of his life is a lady named WRESTLING. He never cheated on her! (Hey, I saw his performance at the Heroes of Wrestling nightmare!!! If that ain't cheating on the bitch, I don't know what is!)
-Jake doesn't think much of Brock Lesnar, or Paul Heyman, or sobriety
--Jake talks about the feud against Hulk Hogan that never happened. During a TV taping after attacking Hogan, and draping the snake over him, instead of chanting "Hogan", the crowd chanted "DDT". After McMahon heard that, he saw his marketing plan fall apart, and the feud was scrapped and Jake was quickly turned face.
Quite an interview. 1bob has the entire transcript, but I hit 90% of the high points.
From the Midnight News: 08/19/2002:
CYBERSEX WITH GARY COLEMAN
A few weeks ago, I posted a goofy chat where a guy pretending to be a hot teenage girl f*cked around with a guy who thought he was Buff Bagwell. The guy who made the site and the chat e-mailed me and was cool with me swiping from him. Nice guy with a WAY COOL name... "Thor"... the dude calls himself Thor.
His only request was that I don't post the full chats and make sure you all know where to go. to see the full chat in it's entirety. Good job Thor, don't let that bastard Loki get you down... ha.
Here's another one:
Gary Coleman used to write an advice column for UGO, my former employer. I met him at the office Christmas party and he tried to hit on my date. All this and more was running through my mind as Amber taught the American language of love to this very horny young Algerian. God, I hope he used his new vocabulary with other girls.
kecibim: HI
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hey, kecibum!
kecibim: How are you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am a toilet of love.
kecibim: Good
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is your toilet of love like?
kecibim OH very large
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would you live inside my body?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Inside my organs?
kecibim if you would like
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your toilet circumcised?
kecibim yep, and yours
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't have a toilet, I am a girl!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
kecibim If you like I lend you my toilet for a long time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay! Where will you put your toilet?
kecibim in your sawa
kecibim you know sawa?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, what is the English?
kecibim Zab = toilet, Sawa = your toilet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: The english word for "sawa" is "Chicken Nugget"
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you will put your toilet in my Chicken Nugget
kecibim and I keep my zab in you Chicken Nugget a long time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Gary Coleman is the USA word for zab!
kecibim I put my Gary Coleman in your Chicken Nugget
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful! You are a wonderful toilet!
kecibim OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH So Good
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your Gary Coleman feeling good?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: When Gary Coleman gets excited when you put it in a Chicken Nugget, white liquid comes out
kecibim you will be melted when you see my zab
kecibim you will be melted when you see my Gary Coleman ( zab , toilet )
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You will be melted when you are crushed by my Chicken Nugget into another dimension.
kecibim zab = Gary Coleman sawa = Chicken Nugget
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My Chicken Nugget is wet with Bar-B-Q sauce.
kecibim yes, come in algeria and i give my zab, i put my zab in your sawa
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SAY IT THE RIGHT WAY.
kecibim yes , I got a very large Gary Coleman
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes! My Chicken Nugget is bleeding Bar-B-Q sauce for you! I want to get sauce all over Gary Coleman!
kecibim I cant you are far away
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will come to Algeria!
kecibim Good, if you like i give you my adress
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How will I get there? I will have to sell my Chicken Nugget to pay for the trip!
kecibim you know why my Gary Coleman it is very large
kecibim I send you some money
kecibim when i send you money you come back to me
kecibim and I put ma zab in you'r sawa
kecibim are you here my sawa
kecibim I'm here waiting for you
kecibim please, talk with me
kecibim a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r are you here
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I was touching my chicken nugget!
So, if I scream that SCOOTER KEITH SUCKS GARY COLEMAN'S NUGGETS... he can't whine, I'm merely speaking Algerian... or something.
From the Midnight News: 05/12/2003:
ALL FOR THE LOVE OF PAM DAWBER
Whenever someone contacts me on AIM, they stand a very good chance of getting me in a bad mood, especially when it’s very late at night.
The following took place around four in the morning a few weeks ago:
Rollinbmwx4: hey do u know mindy gomez ?????
Hyatte1com: no
Rollinbmwx4: who is this anyways ?
Hyatte1com: well, you IMmed me, you tell me
Rollinbmwx4: this is shawn
Hyatte1com: hooray
Rollinbmwx4: is ur name steven
Rollinbmwx4: i got this sn from mindy she told me that u like wrestling
Hyatte1com: Mindy is a hosebag
Rollinbmwx4: so u do know mindy
Rollinbmwx4: why u called her a hosebag
Rollinbmwx4: mindy isn't a hosebag
Hyatte1com: I know her roomate
Rollinbmwx4: mindy doesn't have a roomate
Hyatte1com: sure she does.. Mork
Rollinbmwx4: mindy lives at home still
Hyatte1com: her roomate is named Mork, from the planet Ork, nanu nanu
Rollinbmwx4: my real name is stan
Hyatte1com: I care
Rollinbmwx4: dude i can't belive it
Hyatte1com: what? That Mindy is a hosebag? Sorry, but she is
Rollinbmwx4: whats ur name man ?
Hyatte1com: Dick
Rollinbmwx4: man seriously
Hyatte1com: My name is Dick Inya
Rollinbmwx4: seriously how do u know mindy
Hyatte1com: She gave me head a couple of times
Rollinbmwx4: did u go to green valley
Hyatte1com: Green Valley High?
Rollinbmwx4: yeah
Hyatte1com: no dude, I'm a grown up, which is why Mindy likes to blow me
Rollinbmwx4: when did u 2 meet each other
Hyatte1com: none of your fucking business
Rollinbmwx4: man i'am her bf i'll kick ur ass bitch
Hyatte1com: bring it, homeslice. I'll stomp your ass stupid then buttfuck you too. Mindy will watch and get all hot for me
Rollinbmwx4: if u know mindy than whats her cross streets
Hyatte1com: I don't meet her at her home, douchebag. We meet at MY place
Hyatte1com: what kind of moron are you
Rollinbmwx4: my gf doesn't even drive
Hyatte1com: you can't even spell
Hyatte1com: she can walk.. duh
Rollinbmwx4: so u live around the boulder area than
Hyatte1com: yes, a big city like Boulder... I'm somewhere in there. Come and get me, faggot!! I'll strip you naked, hogtie you, and make you watch me fuck Mindy
Rollinbmwx4: man that won't happen u don't know who ur messin with and how dangerous i'am
Hyatte1com: yes, I'm sure you're the toughest kid in 9th grade... HA
Rollinbmwx4: i'am 21
Hyatte1com: and STILL in 9th grade
Rollinbmwx4: thats not true man she never said anything to u about me
Hyatte1com: that slut rode more donkey dicks than Britney Spears
Hyatte1com: she doesn't like talking about you to me. You embarrass her
Rollinbmwx4: whens the last time u talked to her
Hyatte1com: none of ya fucking business
Rollinbmwx4: look u don't know mindy she never fucked u . u wish u motha fucka and i don't embarrass her i been with her for a year
Hyatte1com: yeah, you keep thinking that, loser I know the truth Mindy knows the truth
Rollinbmwx4: i'am not a loser
Hyatte1com: Mindy says you are big time loser and a fag
Rollinbmwx4: does she wear plastic glasses and shes half white and phillpino
Hyatte1com: it's Filipino, stupid.
Rollinbmwx4: sorry
Hyatte1com: you sure are
Hyatte1com: now, apologize to me and I'll break it off with Mindy hurry up bitch, I'm a busy man
Rollinbmwx4: man no sorrys to u cause i'll find u and break u in half
Hyatte1com: good luck, stupid.
Rollinbmwx4: mindy will tell me where u live
Hyatte1com: Mindy will keep her mouth shut... she likes my cum
Rollinbmwx4: no she will won't
Hyatte1com: but do me a favor and take her out for a jog once in a while, that girl's gotta lose that big gut and that fat ass
Rollinbmwx4: ur a loser fucker
Hyatte1com: good comeback. And you wonder why Mindy sucks me off while leaving you with blue balls
The fight pretty much petered out after this.
You know, it’s chats like these that remind me how phenomenally stupid people are... I mean, it’s scary… frickin’ SCARY.
From the Midnight News: 07/21/2003:
DAVED AND CONFUSED
While we are in the motif…
Dave Scherer recently did that silly web guy move of booking his OWN BRILLIANT, CAN’T MISS PLAN TO BRING THE WWE BACK TO GLORY (the only one I know who has actual good ideas when he did these sort of things was Blake Norton… who might have died some time ago, unfortunately). Dave’s fantasy book involved the players from WCW and ECW banding together to feud with the WWE… how fresh.
Anyway, when you do shit like that, you get mail… Byron Turk e-mailed Dave to explain how lame his idea was… Dave responded… a brief flame battle ensued…
I love posting this stuff…
-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 3:43 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article
A simple plan to turn WWE around explained in multiple installments?
Fantasy booking is unprofessional for someone in your position unless you explicitely say you're doing it for fun. If you took your long winded article and summed it up to "Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman take RAW", that is better. Everyone can fantasy book, posting your column is just an attempt to trademark those ideas before someone else agrees with you and ruins your claim to the spotlight.
For what it's worth, I think it's an interesting idea, but the column sucks. So does "WECW". Call it something new, WCW and ECW are history.
Byron
-----Original Message-----
From: Dave Scherer [mailto:dscherer123@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 4:05 PM
To: Byron H Turk
Subject: Re: WWE Booking Article
I knew there would be someone who disagreed. Thanks for being him. And, if my column sucks, why do you read it?
-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 12:38 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article
I read the first few paragraphs and skimmed the rest. By the way, it's "why did you read it?", past tense.
-----Original Message-----
From: Dave Scherer [mailto:dscherer123@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 12:57 PM
To: Byron H Turk
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article
No, you read it. All the time.
-----Original Message-----
From: Byron H Turk [mailto:bhturk@umail.ucsb.edu]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 08:14 PM
To: 'Dave Scherer'
Subject: RE: WWE Booking Article
I'm pretty sure I haven't gone back to that column since that first time. I have been to the website since but not that column. Thanks anyways.
I love it when Dave gets pissy and all snotty with the reader. “No, you read it. All the time!” HA!!! Yes, you are all caught in Dave’s web of writing awesomeness and you can’t help but read him over and over!!
And notice… for a guy who gets “over 500 e-mails a day”… he really doesn’t ever take long to respond… less than 20 minutes each time!
From the Midnight News: 12/02/2002:
CHRIS HYATTE: WRESTLING JOURNALIST!!!
After a few e-mails and a close inspection... my nose for news started to SNIFF!!!
From The 411 NEWSBOARD!!!:
Update On Status Of Bret Hart
Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery.
Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02
Needing confirmation... I HUNTED DOWN THE SOURCE FOR SOME DAMN ANSWERS!!!
Hyatte1com (10:26:31 PM): did you get "heat" from that 411 news thing on Bret hart recovering from being hit by a car and is "on the road to recovery"?
Ashish (10:27:14 PM): huh?
Hyatte1com (10:27:46 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery. Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02
Hyatte1com (10:28:19 PM): You wrote that on purpose... didn't you
Ashish (10:28:33 PM): wrote what on purpose
Hyatte1com (10:28:59 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery.
Ashish (10:29:13 PM): what about it
Hyatte1com (10:29:26 PM): you DO realize how funny that is, right?
Ashish (10:29:35 PM): no
Hyatte1com (10:30:05 PM): oh come on... it's a great pun
Ashish (10:30:11 PM): ok
Okay... it was UNINTENTIONALLY funny... even so, my nose was STILL WIGGLING...so, while I had him:
Hyatte1com (10:30:35 PM): where was Friday's news report?
Ashish (10:30:52 PM): i was kind of sick so I didn’t do it
And then he left...
CASE SOLVED... solved before the FIERCE GLARE OF THE LIGHT OF TRUTH... THE GLARE OF HYATTE'S LIGHT!!
This has been another installment of CHRIS HYATTE: WRESTLING JOURNALIST. Courage.
From the Midnight News: 05/27/2002:
ASHISH SPEAKS!!!!!
As some of you may have noticed, 411 owner and resident "straight news is the ONLY news worthwhile" guy, Ashish tends to use the phrase "Like I said" several times in each of his columns. A few weeks ago, he used the phrase (and alternatives such as "As I said" and it's ilk) a record 16 times in one single column. Well, I caught up with him on AIM yesterday, and CONFRONTED HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL... witness:
Hyatte1com: Ash... we should talk about how you abuse the phrase "Like I said" all the time?
Stone9Cold: "Like I said" is key to a great news report
Hyatte1com: I read it and keep picturing you wagging your finger at the reader while lecturing
Stone9Cold: they need to get the facts down, it is the only way they will learn
Hyatte1com: oh my God.
Stone9Cold: Widro sucks at everything
Hyatte1com: I know, nevermind that... now here is a list of people I want banned from the 411 forum
Stone9Cold: Just go away Hyatte.
Then he logged off.
Just about all of that is true, by the way. The stuff I made up is only BARELY made up.
Moving on....
From the Midnight News: 07/08/2002:
A HOT BABE ACTING LIKE SHE'S ALL THAT? NO WAY!!
Earlier this week, Jim Ross made THIS cryptic statement:
Some days I wonder if being a WWE Diva is a blessing or a curse. Should be a blessing but some have certainly challenged that theory. Of course, my theory could be wrong.
Uh oh... when JR starts dropping little hints like that, people wet themselves. Net people mostly, eager to be the first to report who exactly Ross was talking about!!
Well, Dave Scherer is the winner of THIS race! As HE is the first to say:
I have heard from numerous sources that this week he was talking about Stacy Keibler when he wrote what he did on Friday. I have heard that JR is down on Keibler right now. Stacy herself has reportedly told friends she is aware of the heat, but there's nothing she can do about it. Her schedule is very demanding, even for a WWE performer. She has to work house shows, do photo shoots, do Diva specials, work out in the ring with Fit Finlay to improve as a wrestler and also do a lot of promotional work for the company. It ends up being a lot of days working and very few off.
Because of her push and sudden and popularity, Stacy is both well liked and resented in the locker room, depending on who you talk to. Keibler has reportedly lost the respect of talent relations and the agents lately by being late and not showing up for workout sessions. Some of those people are saying she is developing the "Diva attitude" that did in Sunny and Sable before her.
Always looking for a BRIGHT side to end things with Dave wrapped up by saying that Stacey is just a little "burnt out" and Dawn Marie will assist her by taking up some of her slack.
In a related note: Trish Stratus is a very polite, nice girl... right up until she blocked me off AIM.
******
And that last part, was the very first time I ever referred to any sort of contact with Trish Stratus.
5 years ago.
Whoof.
Enjoy this. I may delete it once I have a full blog prepared. Or I may keep it. Who knows.
