I'll be posting something soon. Although after that remarkable comment run, I'm wondering WHY???
In the meantime, enjoy this.
KAPOWEEEEEEEEE
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My brilliant powers of deduction...
Wow, 100 comments is a sure thing, a first.
But this isn't about that. This is a personal message:
Gmail is apparently down worldwide, so if YOU could let me know that you got my reply to your reply, it would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Tells me that you all are underwhelmed by recent offerings.
Noted.
But this isn't about that. This is a personal message:
Gmail is apparently down worldwide, so if YOU could let me know that you got my reply to your reply, it would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Tells me that you all are underwhelmed by recent offerings.
Noted.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My love letter to Stratus
Can be found at my leftover blog which is right here.
Almost three years old, still staggeringly beautiful.
Perfect for Valentine's Day.
Thanks to "Gray" for plowing through those mutts at the Death Valley Driver board, who no doubt spent many posts talking about how lame I am.
And for those of you who don't care about any of this, and am wondering what I have for YOU....
Well, here's a fat girl falling down the stairs.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Almost three years old, still staggeringly beautiful.
Perfect for Valentine's Day.
Thanks to "Gray" for plowing through those mutts at the Death Valley Driver board, who no doubt spent many posts talking about how lame I am.
And for those of you who don't care about any of this, and am wondering what I have for YOU....
Well, here's a fat girl falling down the stairs.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
And the pocket rocket's red glare...
Means the battery is low. Now that's a fun race against time.
So, lots of comments to go through, plenty of reading material shall be provided that should last at least a week.
And, naturally, you can always relive the hysterics and the poignancy and the drama AND the secret messages by clicking any one of my lovely past blogs right <----- over there.
No real order here.
1) December 24, 2008 12:27 PM... Gray said... Doesn't that mean cat in spanish? Oh wait, that's Gato. Anyhow, stop with that- you're smarking over a former wrestling columnist, and now full time blogger.
Gray, no one is "smarking" over me. And HOW THE CRAP AM I NOW A "FULL TIME BLOGGER"?
Jesus Christ, did you know some people "blog" three or four times a day? You're lucky if you get anything meaty out of me once a calender week.
... I believe I have said that last sentence to every girlfriend/fuckbuddy I've ever had, Hello Deja Vu.
2) January 17, 2009 8:12 PM... Nuinitari said... No love for the Supremes "I hear a symphony"? I'm sure it's on that disc.
Sure, it's track 6 out of 24.
Good stuff too, all the songs are quick, snappy, and have purpose.
Where Did Our Love Go?, Baby Love, Come See About Me, Stop! In the Name of Love, You Can't Hurry Love, You Keep Me Hanging On, Reflections, Love Child, Someday We'll Be Together, Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Upside Down, and Endless Love and a few more.
Many times, I listen to these songs and CRY UNCONTROLLABLY. But that's just me.
3) December 3, 2008 10:07 AM ... Jesus said... Question for you, Hyatte: At what point did you decide that you just didn't give a shit anymore, and you were content to do absolutely nothing interesting or special with your life?
September 30, 2006.
4) February 2, 2009 12:27 PM... Porn Valet said... Hyatte have you ever had a gay experience?
You mean, aside from all the times Dad fingered me? Two of them.
Once I mooned one of the residents at that crazy, state-funded apartment complex I used to watch back in the day. He was an old guy. He complained. I got yelled at.
Then at a club back in the day when I was a sex BANDIT... I kissed a guy to freak out a girl. The guy, who wasn't gay by any stretch, was fucked up drunk enough and jammed his tongue down my throat. I couldn't keep the joke going and bailed. The girl was quite freaked. Mission accomplished.
Umm... then there are the various... well, just one now... porn sites I visit... and you have the option to go into the gay sites... and sometimes... sometimes you just want... to...
*AHEM... I walked into a strip club once. The guy at the door said, "6 dollars". I glanced over and saw a buff naked guy swinging his cock on stage. Genius detective that I am, I looked to the guy and said, "Umm, is this a gay bar?" He slowly shook his head up and down. I ran out. ALL MAN!!
Hmm, let's see... in a New York Adult Video store I was in a booth flipping channels and suddenly, there was a sheep on screen. I flipped away. I flipped back and suddenly, the sheep was joined by a very naked Tom Byron.
I held out for as long as I could but eventually had to flip around until I landed on Jill Kelly showing John Dough what time it was.
Lesson to be learned: Hyatte ain't no homo.
6) January 21, 2009 2:45 PM ... Patricia said...You're right, i'm no longer reading..
Or writing, or texting, or calling, or anything...
Except posting here. Why is that?
Hmm, Saturday evening and you make a post here but then run away, leaving with plenty of time before you know I'm around. And making sure I know it. I know you were around tonight. You chose to stay hidden. Or you got a new ID. Or I'm blocked away.
Obviously, you are fucking with me. You've gone ugly. If you want a retaliation... sorry, can't help you there. I LIKE being the good person who made a promise and loves sticking to it. I LOVE warming your heart as you break mine.
It's okay, incidentally. I don't mind any of this. Just means you aren't ready to let me forget you. You would hate that. It would drive you nuts. And THAT drives you nuts. And scares you to death (ah ha! Hyatte sees ALL the angles)
LOVE IT!!
And... ahh.. maybe one day, I will be able to forget you.
You're so lucky you have me. Miss me terribly. I know, I know. When the sun shines we'll shine together.
You can come back when you are ready to jump in headfirst (remember that reference?). Until then, well... I'll never blink first again. Never, ever, ever. I have earned that right... after YEARS of... well, you know.
I'm no pushover... I'm not "Bam"... I can fuck with you just as good as you can with me... but a million fights and a thousand break-ups can't... well, you know the rest.
And if I'm kidding myself.. well.. who's visiting whom. And why.
Just accept the obvious. Stop fighting it.
Heh.
(ahem... and the rest of you motherless c-bags are NOT allowed to offer an opinion here. Shut the fuck UP.)
7) January 17, 2009 12:34 PM... FLEA said...
I told you back then what you wrote didn't match the vibe of the song.
Hyatte: youdumbfuckingDRUNK! Yawr missing the irony of the online parodiiiiieeeeeee!
FLEA: but...they have to match song so that when people play the song and read...
Hyatte: FLEA! get the fucking irowny! it's not supposed to match, that's that point!
FLEA: let me edit the fucker
Hyatte: Irowny! IROWNY...Jesus
FLEA: ...just rememeber I told you so
[i]He was wearing nice, black Nikes.[/i]
HYUCK! "Black"...they didn't work
FLEA
HA!! You switched the names on the script!
Really, it's like Willie singing like Placido and Carson singing like Willie.
FRIED CATFISH!! HYUCK... HOWWWLLL.
"HI-RATE!! DID'JA HEAR WHAT JESUS SAID IN THE HOTEL LOBBY??"
"No I don't, Flea. What?"
(takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass)
"HE THREW THREE STAKES ON THE LOBBY COUNTER AND ASKED 'KIN YA PUT ME UP FOR THE NIGHT?'!!"
HYUCK!! HEE HEEE... HOOO HOO... HEEYUCK OWLS!!!!
How dare he acts as if he's the rational one.
8) November 20, 2008 4:12 PM ... Anonymous said... Hyatte, why do you care if people know your real job? There's nothing wrong with being a porn industry fluffer
They call me "Sahara Bill" in the Valley, because once I get through with them, they be drier then a desert.
9) January 18, 2009 11:56 AM... Anonymous said... ""Clearly" my hairy, brownie asshole. I could go anywhere and restart "And Another Thing" just like that and it would DECIMATE everything else!!" To decimate means to diminish by 10%. And Hyatte, my boy, you've been diminishing in 10% increments for YEARS now. HAWR! MISS ME, FUCKO?!
Miss you? Who the fuck are you? Asshole!! How am I supposed to know what cumstain this is.
10) January 18, 2009 12:23 PM... Anonymous said... Also, where the hell have you been? Last I remember, I was reading your debut "And Another Thing" on The Smarks!! ZOWIE!! Plus Luke Johnston says hi.
I was with The Smarks for about a week, so little a time I don't even count it on my resume. Who the hell is Luke Johnston??
11) January 19, 2009 9:48 AM... Mr Christopher Gugliadeugoo... Your rent is due.
WHO??????????
That looks Italian. You motherfuckers better not be thinking I'm a dago.
12) February 2, 2009 10:19 AM.... Pat Patterson said...
I been hearing you've been dissing me.
YOU WANT SOME, BOY??
*unzips*
Daddy?
13) January 19, 2009 11:02 AM... Anonymous said... Am I the only one who thinks Porn Valley is as much an attraction to this blog as Hyatte himself?
Porn Valley has knowledge of a world that all of us find fascinating, yet the more we learn, the skeezier we feel. It's like that Nic Cage movie, where he lost a bit of his soul getting into that nonsense.
And really, the deeper you go... the worse it gets.
He can drop nuggets of incite whenever he wants, but this ain't a porno-blog and I'm not the next Luke Ross.
BUT... you know how you can tell the superstar actresses from the rest? They are the ones who control the moves. I was watching a Jenna Jameson scene a few days ago and the dude tried to grab her hair from the crown and pull back. Jenna grabbed that douchebag's hand and YANKED it off her. "Get outta here with that bullshit!!" she practically screamed.
Jenna can do that. Jesse Jane can do that. Umm... a few others can do that. The rest just gotta take it. That's how you can tell the big time superstars from the rest of the pretty pretties.
14) January 19, 2009 2:30 PM Anonymous said... Porn Valley has amazing power. Amazing power. Kay Parker is still the best ever. So real looking.. amazing woman. Been looking for Taboo on a torrent... anyone know of one where you can see it?
Kay Parker is an 80's porn chick with a bad, overgrown perm-fro, flabby buns, and the God Damn forest down there so thick I expect Bear Grylls to dedicate an hour trying to survive in it. Today's porn sluts,m as I said before, are toned, thin, beautiful, well-kept, and properly groomed AND trimmed. No contest and EWWW...
Old time porn used to gross me out... especially when men would continue to muff dive even when their... spudz has already.... and the guys were always, like, 20 years older then the girls, most of them weren't spring chickens either.
There was the time I saw a doped out girl blow a German Shephard. And on the same tape a horse got some action. Remember those tapes? Unlabeled... no cover... just these ominous black things. Sick.
Anyway, this ain't no porno-site... but Here's that Taboo you asked for. Enjoy the world of bad perms and pasty white bellies.
15) (Part 1) January 21, 2009 12:32 PM... Mr. Nova said... One last porn-related complaint of mine: I don't like videos or pictures of girls spreading their snatches & plunging big, gigantic dildos into their twats. It makes me feel inadequate about myself. Y'know what I mean? 'Cause if I'm with a girl and she has trouble cumming, I'd MUCH rather assume that the problem was her insensitive, leathery, calloused pussy... instead of my undersized pink crayon. Right? Damn skippy I'm right.
That's why men should NEVER buy their girlfriends a vibrator that's bigger than their OWN dick. You're basically ADMITTING that YOU are the problem!
15) (Part 2) January 22, 2009 1:37 PM... Anonymous said... Wouldn't buying a vibrator for your girlfriend AT ALL be saying that you are the problem? I can't quite get around that bend.
15) (Part 3) January 23, 2009 9:35 AM... Rinsa said... Oh and buying your woman a vibrator? Please, if you honestly think that's some sort of admission of inadequacy then you're clearly stuck at a very early stage of fucking. Move away from the missionary and be a little more imaginative.
You know, one thing about these pornos is that all these guys... every last one of them, are all bigger then me. This is why I really don't watch it constantly. Just enough to learn things and have a quick muck around.
Every girl I've ever fucked have had guys bigger than me.
And most girls I know, even the virgins, have a few toys carefully hidden.
Gloomchen once told me that she had a nifty little treasure chest lockbox under her bed for years, holding her toys... and her boyfriend (not the man she married), never knew about it. I can only assume her husband is aware of it, and makes liberal use of it.
Vibrators are a girl's best friend, and can be a guys best friend too. Does it mean YOU, the guy, is lacking the skill? Nope.
But let's face it, we guys only need a few minutes of work to pop. We are like performance vehicles: we can go from zero to splatter in just a few minutes and most girls are like luxury town cars, they need some tender care and slow acceleration before building up to high speeds then they shake themselves apart and EXPLODE into cruise speed and making you breakfast.
(in most cases. Girls like the quick fuck too, but that's when they let their imagination do the slow build. Or if you do something AWESOME and they watch it... like beat up 5 guys and one angry Samoan and go mental on some retard..., but let's stick to long term relationships)
Now once guys get the foreplay down and know which buttons to push, we get lazy and just do a little of this, a little of that, then jump right in because we need sleep, or the game is on, or Trish is waiting online and her husband isn't home or something else like that. We get on, tickle the right places, bang away, then kiss her on the forehead and get back to business. The girl gets fucked, enjoys it, but isn't exactly... fullfilled.
And that's why vibrators rule. They can finish the job you started.
But here's the cool part. Listen carefully...
VIBRATORS CAN NOT REPLACE YOUR HANDS!!!!
Your hands are CRUCIAL to your girl getting off. Rough or nice, dominating or sensual... girls LOVE hands all over them... feeling, groping, massaging, gliding, grabbing, OWNING them. They love the control, being guided, manipulated, or caressed... most of the time all of the above. A vibrator can never replace your hands, or your body on top of them, or under them.
No matter what you do, no matter how many times you two call it "fucking"... to the girl, no matter how rough or gentle or hardcore or soft & easy... they aren't fucking you. The sloppiest 2 a.m. drunk slut is not really "fucking" you.
They are all making love to you. They fuck the vibrator, they make love to you.
Always.
Just remember one little philosophy that will always point you in the right direction: Men fuck with their dicks - Women fuck with their hearts.
Always.
And... vibrators are fun to use if she's into getting tied up. Buzz on that clit for about 15 minutes while they can't do anything... or even their inner thighs. Watch what happens. The shit will turn colors you never imagined existed.
Hyatte Lives.
16) January 18, 2009 9:49 AM... richardhouseholder said... Am I the only guy on Earth (besides your local preacher...but even then...) who does not find porno actresses hot in the least? Jenna Jameson is the only one I could name off the top of my head and she is absolutely un-attractive to me. Maybe I just haven't seen enough, but I have never, ever seen a porn actress that I thought was better looking than, say the average girl I work with. That goes for strippers too. And I am not gay, I swear.
No, my friend, you are not alone. Because while yer ol' buddy Hy-Rate talks a good game about the bitches and the wild sex doggies who are pathetic enough to fuck on camera and make a living, they are not perfect mates.
See, normal girls can hold conversations. They can laugh with you and make you laugh. They will stay home with you on Friday night if you're not feeling up to going out. They will cuddle with you. They will cook for you. They will let you cook for them and tell you its delicious even when it isn't. They will make you soup when you're sick. They will give you a warm body to hold on a cold night. They will listen to you. They will make sure you have dry towels for the shower. They will keep the place clean. They will do laundry. They will make you feel like the greatest person on the planet.
They will love you. They will give you their heart and trust that you won't break it. And they will be grateful that you won't let them be alone.
To me, having a girl say, "I want to have your baby." is the sexiest, hottest thing a man could ever hear. Makes him feel more like a man than anything else.
So no, my friend, you aren't nuts. In fact, you are perfectly normal.
17) February 5, 2009 5:28 PM... Anonymous said... So how's your kid Chris? The one you're too cold to talk about?
She's fine.
18) January 12, 2009 7:33 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, Why the hate for Ashish? I thought you once mentioned always being on good terms with him, even long after the falling out with Widro. Also, 411 seems to be the only site you were ever on that is still successful, why is that?
So I've covered vibrators and porn so, of course, I throw in an IWC question. Way to go. What a super-COOL Blog. What a super-COOL guy!!
I'm on fine terms with Ashish, it's YOU GUYS who goad me into talking about 411. I never even heard of fucking Jeff Smalls before one of you tools started mentioning him here.
And as for sites that I was a part of...
A: Scoops. Fell apart after I left.
B: ScoopThis. Was discontinued while I was still there because Erik Ashley had bigger fish to fry.
C: 411. WAAAY better after my reign then before I showed up, and wouldn't have grown were it not for me.
D: Inside Pulse. Still around, just no one goes there. I hear Widro just keeps it around for his resume.
E: DOI. Still around and my year+ there did it no harm or foul... except it was hacked once and "The Stratus-Festo" was lost... which I KNOW Trish regrets not saving so she can read it every so often and shed a tear.
So only two sites stopped running, one site is THRIVING partiually because of me and NOT that runt Csonka (not a chance, dickface), one site is coasting and accepting of its place, and the other site is chugging right along serving all things Independent on the Eastern Seaboard.
Oh, and this blog is read by 90% of the Torch staff... and Scooter Keith... and others... and its slowly gaining momentum too... until the next time I flake off for a month.
So your meager attempt to jab at me has BOMBED, sir.
19) February 2, 2009 8:41 AM... Anonymous said... Eric S and scientology. What's the deal?
The deal is... in the middle of last year a group of computer geeks in California decided to fuck with Scientology. They named themselves "Anonymous" and posted You Tube videos promising the end of Scientology as we know it.
They also staged protests wearing old "Theater" masks. They didn't do much, just an annoyance.
But, as a reporter from "Maxim" wrote (and this is the first time in AGES I picked up a Maxim magazine, but I wanted to learn), Scientology is a nasty bunch of folks who don't like to be fucked with. They pinpointed the leaders of Anonymous, followed them home, took pictures of them without the masks, and made it public.
And in one guys case, they appartently kidnappped his dog IN HIS HOME.
That... more or less... ended the enthusiam of this group.
Meanwhile, in "Anonymous"'s attempt to build something national, branches of the group... let's call them "Factions of Douchebags" popped up all over this country... and one of them decided to unmask and give a newspaper interview as a real human being and NOT as the concept of a group speaking for the rest of us non-Scientologists.
That would be Eric S.
And right there and then, I lost respect for him.
See, he didn't unmask to make a point, he unmasked... he JOINED these silly little flies in the ointment, to get noticed. Being an IWC writer wasn't enough (like I couldn't have told him this)... he wanted attention, he wanted purpose, he wanted to be somebody...
So he unmasked and basically BEGGED Scientology to recognize him.
A 45 year old man seeking purpose and attention. Sad. You all may shoot me if I ever go this lame a few years from now.
I'm pretty sure Scientology ignored him... and I am fairly postive the founders of "Anonymous" just shook there heads and said, "What a dick."
Eric is like 99% of the world... he's a nobody who is just here to get on this ride called life, then get off without anyone noticing he was on. That wasn't enough, he made a weak attempt to be somebody, only he chose the dumbest means possible. "HERE I AM, L.RON LOVERS!!," he shouted. "COME AND GET ME!! Please?"
He was ignored. GOOD.
He embarrassed himself. And he's too arrogant to admit it. It's okay, I'll do it for him.
Weak, dude.
20) February 3, 2009 7:18 PM... Jesse Baker said... Question for Hyatte: are there any old movies that you love to watch over and over again? Any old school Hollywood actors and actresses who's work you love to watch, even if the film itself is crappy? Any classic films you watch over and over again, finding new things about them that you didn't notice every time you watch them?
Well, I talked about porn and the IWC, might as well hit the trifecta of geekness.
Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan. It's running on the HBO channels this month, and I can NOT get enough of it. It's 28 years old now, and I canNOT stop watching it.
It's got everything... pathos, growth, death, action... it steals themes from Moby Dick, the action scenes are thrilling, the ruminations on growing older are poignant. The interaction is compelling. It's got everything.
And it's easily Shatner's best work... ever. He loses the histrionics (which he made into a second life on Boston Legal and actually handed in an honest to God character study about a cowboy who is getting old and hates it.
Bill Shatner gave us more incite about James T. Kirk in this one movie then 3 years of TV and 6 additional flicks.
And I watch the god damned thing each and every time its on.
Plus, it's got a death scene that, top to bottom, never fails to kill me.
As for the rest... well, fuck me but I went and paid for The Rundown in the movies, bought it on PPV, rented the video, and watch it every fucking time its on TV,,, and it isn't even that good.
Other movies are the usual suspects: Rocky 1, 2, 3, 4, and now his last one, The Karate Kid, Midnight Run, umm... a bunch more.
Its like this... I don't need to know the plot if I see the names "Denzel Washington", "Tom Hanks", "Jack Nicholson", "Leo DiCaprio", "Johnny Depp", or, believe it or not, "George Clooney" on the marquee. Them boys don't fuck around anymore (they used to, but no one has a spotless resume). If they are in ther flick, you know there is a reason that flick was made.
And if Michael Bay directed it, I'm there... and I don't CARE if its aimed at assholes and 13 year olds... you are gonna get your money's worth... and that's all I care about anymore... getting my money's worth.
Once upon a time, I'd put "Robert DeNiro" and "Al Pacino" on that list... but they sold out, man. They sold out.
I'd ruminaste on this more but... man, I've talked enough.
So, let's wrap this up with a nifty video that many will love... honoring David Letterman's recent show where he had Bill Hicks' mom on and finally ran Hicks 15 year old routine that he decided to edit out years back...
Sam Kinison was a bright, blazing star who burned out do to drugs and excess... and now he's a mere footnote in comedy lore... but in the 80's, he was a TORNADO...
And also a boob...
Come back with me, friends... after rattling on about porn all blog long... let's check out a little bit of self-indulgance and soft-core frolicking that MTV wouldn't DREAM of airing now (no blacks in it)... and let's see Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry hang out with the likes of Slash, the dude from Ratt, Tommy Lee, and other 80's hair metal icons... and Tommy Lee!!!
And Jessica Hahn... in the highest poiunt of her career.
If this was 20 years later... Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, P-Diddy, and maybe Ludacrisp would be right there.
Have a little fun... loosen a little up... and just enjoy...
And no, you fucking tools... I do NOT look like Kinison...
Years before Charlie Sheen made it cool...
You make my heart sing
OH OHHHHHHHHHHH
Until next time...
Dinks
So, lots of comments to go through, plenty of reading material shall be provided that should last at least a week.
And, naturally, you can always relive the hysterics and the poignancy and the drama AND the secret messages by clicking any one of my lovely past blogs right <----- over there.
No real order here.
1) December 24, 2008 12:27 PM... Gray said... Doesn't that mean cat in spanish? Oh wait, that's Gato. Anyhow, stop with that- you're smarking over a former wrestling columnist, and now full time blogger.
Gray, no one is "smarking" over me. And HOW THE CRAP AM I NOW A "FULL TIME BLOGGER"?
Jesus Christ, did you know some people "blog" three or four times a day? You're lucky if you get anything meaty out of me once a calender week.
... I believe I have said that last sentence to every girlfriend/fuckbuddy I've ever had, Hello Deja Vu.
2) January 17, 2009 8:12 PM... Nuinitari said... No love for the Supremes "I hear a symphony"? I'm sure it's on that disc.
Sure, it's track 6 out of 24.
Good stuff too, all the songs are quick, snappy, and have purpose.
Where Did Our Love Go?, Baby Love, Come See About Me, Stop! In the Name of Love, You Can't Hurry Love, You Keep Me Hanging On, Reflections, Love Child, Someday We'll Be Together, Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Upside Down, and Endless Love and a few more.
Many times, I listen to these songs and CRY UNCONTROLLABLY. But that's just me.
3) December 3, 2008 10:07 AM ... Jesus said... Question for you, Hyatte: At what point did you decide that you just didn't give a shit anymore, and you were content to do absolutely nothing interesting or special with your life?
September 30, 2006.
4) February 2, 2009 12:27 PM... Porn Valet said... Hyatte have you ever had a gay experience?
You mean, aside from all the times Dad fingered me? Two of them.
Once I mooned one of the residents at that crazy, state-funded apartment complex I used to watch back in the day. He was an old guy. He complained. I got yelled at.
Then at a club back in the day when I was a sex BANDIT... I kissed a guy to freak out a girl. The guy, who wasn't gay by any stretch, was fucked up drunk enough and jammed his tongue down my throat. I couldn't keep the joke going and bailed. The girl was quite freaked. Mission accomplished.
Umm... then there are the various... well, just one now... porn sites I visit... and you have the option to go into the gay sites... and sometimes... sometimes you just want... to...
*AHEM... I walked into a strip club once. The guy at the door said, "6 dollars". I glanced over and saw a buff naked guy swinging his cock on stage. Genius detective that I am, I looked to the guy and said, "Umm, is this a gay bar?" He slowly shook his head up and down. I ran out. ALL MAN!!
Hmm, let's see... in a New York Adult Video store I was in a booth flipping channels and suddenly, there was a sheep on screen. I flipped away. I flipped back and suddenly, the sheep was joined by a very naked Tom Byron.
I held out for as long as I could but eventually had to flip around until I landed on Jill Kelly showing John Dough what time it was.
Lesson to be learned: Hyatte ain't no homo.
6) January 21, 2009 2:45 PM ... Patricia said...You're right, i'm no longer reading..
Or writing, or texting, or calling, or anything...
Except posting here. Why is that?
Hmm, Saturday evening and you make a post here but then run away, leaving with plenty of time before you know I'm around. And making sure I know it. I know you were around tonight. You chose to stay hidden. Or you got a new ID. Or I'm blocked away.
Obviously, you are fucking with me. You've gone ugly. If you want a retaliation... sorry, can't help you there. I LIKE being the good person who made a promise and loves sticking to it. I LOVE warming your heart as you break mine.
It's okay, incidentally. I don't mind any of this. Just means you aren't ready to let me forget you. You would hate that. It would drive you nuts. And THAT drives you nuts. And scares you to death (ah ha! Hyatte sees ALL the angles)
LOVE IT!!
And... ahh.. maybe one day, I will be able to forget you.
You're so lucky you have me. Miss me terribly. I know, I know. When the sun shines we'll shine together.
You can come back when you are ready to jump in headfirst (remember that reference?). Until then, well... I'll never blink first again. Never, ever, ever. I have earned that right... after YEARS of... well, you know.
I'm no pushover... I'm not "Bam"... I can fuck with you just as good as you can with me... but a million fights and a thousand break-ups can't... well, you know the rest.
And if I'm kidding myself.. well.. who's visiting whom. And why.
Just accept the obvious. Stop fighting it.
Heh.
(ahem... and the rest of you motherless c-bags are NOT allowed to offer an opinion here. Shut the fuck UP.)
7) January 17, 2009 12:34 PM... FLEA said...
I told you back then what you wrote didn't match the vibe of the song.
Hyatte: youdumbfuckingDRUNK! Yawr missing the irony of the online parodiiiiieeeeeee!
FLEA: but...they have to match song so that when people play the song and read...
Hyatte: FLEA! get the fucking irowny! it's not supposed to match, that's that point!
FLEA: let me edit the fucker
Hyatte: Irowny! IROWNY...Jesus
FLEA: ...just rememeber I told you so
[i]He was wearing nice, black Nikes.[/i]
HYUCK! "Black"...they didn't work
FLEA
HA!! You switched the names on the script!
Really, it's like Willie singing like Placido and Carson singing like Willie.
FRIED CATFISH!! HYUCK... HOWWWLLL.
"HI-RATE!! DID'JA HEAR WHAT JESUS SAID IN THE HOTEL LOBBY??"
"No I don't, Flea. What?"
(takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass)
"HE THREW THREE STAKES ON THE LOBBY COUNTER AND ASKED 'KIN YA PUT ME UP FOR THE NIGHT?'!!"
HYUCK!! HEE HEEE... HOOO HOO... HEEYUCK OWLS!!!!
How dare he acts as if he's the rational one.
8) November 20, 2008 4:12 PM ... Anonymous said... Hyatte, why do you care if people know your real job? There's nothing wrong with being a porn industry fluffer
They call me "Sahara Bill" in the Valley, because once I get through with them, they be drier then a desert.
9) January 18, 2009 11:56 AM... Anonymous said... ""Clearly" my hairy, brownie asshole. I could go anywhere and restart "And Another Thing" just like that and it would DECIMATE everything else!!" To decimate means to diminish by 10%. And Hyatte, my boy, you've been diminishing in 10% increments for YEARS now. HAWR! MISS ME, FUCKO?!
Miss you? Who the fuck are you? Asshole!! How am I supposed to know what cumstain this is.
10) January 18, 2009 12:23 PM... Anonymous said... Also, where the hell have you been? Last I remember, I was reading your debut "And Another Thing" on The Smarks!! ZOWIE!! Plus Luke Johnston says hi.
I was with The Smarks for about a week, so little a time I don't even count it on my resume. Who the hell is Luke Johnston??
11) January 19, 2009 9:48 AM... Mr Christopher Gugliadeugoo... Your rent is due.
WHO??????????
That looks Italian. You motherfuckers better not be thinking I'm a dago.
12) February 2, 2009 10:19 AM.... Pat Patterson said...
I been hearing you've been dissing me.
YOU WANT SOME, BOY??
*unzips*
Daddy?
13) January 19, 2009 11:02 AM... Anonymous said... Am I the only one who thinks Porn Valley is as much an attraction to this blog as Hyatte himself?
Porn Valley has knowledge of a world that all of us find fascinating, yet the more we learn, the skeezier we feel. It's like that Nic Cage movie, where he lost a bit of his soul getting into that nonsense.
And really, the deeper you go... the worse it gets.
He can drop nuggets of incite whenever he wants, but this ain't a porno-blog and I'm not the next Luke Ross.
BUT... you know how you can tell the superstar actresses from the rest? They are the ones who control the moves. I was watching a Jenna Jameson scene a few days ago and the dude tried to grab her hair from the crown and pull back. Jenna grabbed that douchebag's hand and YANKED it off her. "Get outta here with that bullshit!!" she practically screamed.
Jenna can do that. Jesse Jane can do that. Umm... a few others can do that. The rest just gotta take it. That's how you can tell the big time superstars from the rest of the pretty pretties.
14) January 19, 2009 2:30 PM Anonymous said... Porn Valley has amazing power. Amazing power. Kay Parker is still the best ever. So real looking.. amazing woman. Been looking for Taboo on a torrent... anyone know of one where you can see it?
Kay Parker is an 80's porn chick with a bad, overgrown perm-fro, flabby buns, and the God Damn forest down there so thick I expect Bear Grylls to dedicate an hour trying to survive in it. Today's porn sluts,m as I said before, are toned, thin, beautiful, well-kept, and properly groomed AND trimmed. No contest and EWWW...
Old time porn used to gross me out... especially when men would continue to muff dive even when their... spudz has already.... and the guys were always, like, 20 years older then the girls, most of them weren't spring chickens either.
There was the time I saw a doped out girl blow a German Shephard. And on the same tape a horse got some action. Remember those tapes? Unlabeled... no cover... just these ominous black things. Sick.
Anyway, this ain't no porno-site... but Here's that Taboo you asked for. Enjoy the world of bad perms and pasty white bellies.
15) (Part 1) January 21, 2009 12:32 PM... Mr. Nova said... One last porn-related complaint of mine: I don't like videos or pictures of girls spreading their snatches & plunging big, gigantic dildos into their twats. It makes me feel inadequate about myself. Y'know what I mean? 'Cause if I'm with a girl and she has trouble cumming, I'd MUCH rather assume that the problem was her insensitive, leathery, calloused pussy... instead of my undersized pink crayon. Right? Damn skippy I'm right.
That's why men should NEVER buy their girlfriends a vibrator that's bigger than their OWN dick. You're basically ADMITTING that YOU are the problem!
15) (Part 2) January 22, 2009 1:37 PM... Anonymous said... Wouldn't buying a vibrator for your girlfriend AT ALL be saying that you are the problem? I can't quite get around that bend.
15) (Part 3) January 23, 2009 9:35 AM... Rinsa said... Oh and buying your woman a vibrator? Please, if you honestly think that's some sort of admission of inadequacy then you're clearly stuck at a very early stage of fucking. Move away from the missionary and be a little more imaginative.
You know, one thing about these pornos is that all these guys... every last one of them, are all bigger then me. This is why I really don't watch it constantly. Just enough to learn things and have a quick muck around.
Every girl I've ever fucked have had guys bigger than me.
And most girls I know, even the virgins, have a few toys carefully hidden.
Gloomchen once told me that she had a nifty little treasure chest lockbox under her bed for years, holding her toys... and her boyfriend (not the man she married), never knew about it. I can only assume her husband is aware of it, and makes liberal use of it.
Vibrators are a girl's best friend, and can be a guys best friend too. Does it mean YOU, the guy, is lacking the skill? Nope.
But let's face it, we guys only need a few minutes of work to pop. We are like performance vehicles: we can go from zero to splatter in just a few minutes and most girls are like luxury town cars, they need some tender care and slow acceleration before building up to high speeds then they shake themselves apart and EXPLODE into cruise speed and making you breakfast.
(in most cases. Girls like the quick fuck too, but that's when they let their imagination do the slow build. Or if you do something AWESOME and they watch it... like beat up 5 guys and one angry Samoan and go mental on some retard..., but let's stick to long term relationships)
Now once guys get the foreplay down and know which buttons to push, we get lazy and just do a little of this, a little of that, then jump right in because we need sleep, or the game is on, or Trish is waiting online and her husband isn't home or something else like that. We get on, tickle the right places, bang away, then kiss her on the forehead and get back to business. The girl gets fucked, enjoys it, but isn't exactly... fullfilled.
And that's why vibrators rule. They can finish the job you started.
But here's the cool part. Listen carefully...
VIBRATORS CAN NOT REPLACE YOUR HANDS!!!!
Your hands are CRUCIAL to your girl getting off. Rough or nice, dominating or sensual... girls LOVE hands all over them... feeling, groping, massaging, gliding, grabbing, OWNING them. They love the control, being guided, manipulated, or caressed... most of the time all of the above. A vibrator can never replace your hands, or your body on top of them, or under them.
No matter what you do, no matter how many times you two call it "fucking"... to the girl, no matter how rough or gentle or hardcore or soft & easy... they aren't fucking you. The sloppiest 2 a.m. drunk slut is not really "fucking" you.
They are all making love to you. They fuck the vibrator, they make love to you.
Always.
Just remember one little philosophy that will always point you in the right direction: Men fuck with their dicks - Women fuck with their hearts.
Always.
And... vibrators are fun to use if she's into getting tied up. Buzz on that clit for about 15 minutes while they can't do anything... or even their inner thighs. Watch what happens. The shit will turn colors you never imagined existed.
Hyatte Lives.
16) January 18, 2009 9:49 AM... richardhouseholder said... Am I the only guy on Earth (besides your local preacher...but even then...) who does not find porno actresses hot in the least? Jenna Jameson is the only one I could name off the top of my head and she is absolutely un-attractive to me. Maybe I just haven't seen enough, but I have never, ever seen a porn actress that I thought was better looking than, say the average girl I work with. That goes for strippers too. And I am not gay, I swear.
No, my friend, you are not alone. Because while yer ol' buddy Hy-Rate talks a good game about the bitches and the wild sex doggies who are pathetic enough to fuck on camera and make a living, they are not perfect mates.
See, normal girls can hold conversations. They can laugh with you and make you laugh. They will stay home with you on Friday night if you're not feeling up to going out. They will cuddle with you. They will cook for you. They will let you cook for them and tell you its delicious even when it isn't. They will make you soup when you're sick. They will give you a warm body to hold on a cold night. They will listen to you. They will make sure you have dry towels for the shower. They will keep the place clean. They will do laundry. They will make you feel like the greatest person on the planet.
They will love you. They will give you their heart and trust that you won't break it. And they will be grateful that you won't let them be alone.
To me, having a girl say, "I want to have your baby." is the sexiest, hottest thing a man could ever hear. Makes him feel more like a man than anything else.
So no, my friend, you aren't nuts. In fact, you are perfectly normal.
17) February 5, 2009 5:28 PM... Anonymous said... So how's your kid Chris? The one you're too cold to talk about?
She's fine.
18) January 12, 2009 7:33 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, Why the hate for Ashish? I thought you once mentioned always being on good terms with him, even long after the falling out with Widro. Also, 411 seems to be the only site you were ever on that is still successful, why is that?
So I've covered vibrators and porn so, of course, I throw in an IWC question. Way to go. What a super-COOL Blog. What a super-COOL guy!!
I'm on fine terms with Ashish, it's YOU GUYS who goad me into talking about 411. I never even heard of fucking Jeff Smalls before one of you tools started mentioning him here.
And as for sites that I was a part of...
A: Scoops. Fell apart after I left.
B: ScoopThis. Was discontinued while I was still there because Erik Ashley had bigger fish to fry.
C: 411. WAAAY better after my reign then before I showed up, and wouldn't have grown were it not for me.
D: Inside Pulse. Still around, just no one goes there. I hear Widro just keeps it around for his resume.
E: DOI. Still around and my year+ there did it no harm or foul... except it was hacked once and "The Stratus-Festo" was lost... which I KNOW Trish regrets not saving so she can read it every so often and shed a tear.
So only two sites stopped running, one site is THRIVING partiually because of me and NOT that runt Csonka (not a chance, dickface), one site is coasting and accepting of its place, and the other site is chugging right along serving all things Independent on the Eastern Seaboard.
Oh, and this blog is read by 90% of the Torch staff... and Scooter Keith... and others... and its slowly gaining momentum too... until the next time I flake off for a month.
So your meager attempt to jab at me has BOMBED, sir.
19) February 2, 2009 8:41 AM... Anonymous said... Eric S and scientology. What's the deal?
The deal is... in the middle of last year a group of computer geeks in California decided to fuck with Scientology. They named themselves "Anonymous" and posted You Tube videos promising the end of Scientology as we know it.
They also staged protests wearing old "Theater" masks. They didn't do much, just an annoyance.
But, as a reporter from "Maxim" wrote (and this is the first time in AGES I picked up a Maxim magazine, but I wanted to learn), Scientology is a nasty bunch of folks who don't like to be fucked with. They pinpointed the leaders of Anonymous, followed them home, took pictures of them without the masks, and made it public.
And in one guys case, they appartently kidnappped his dog IN HIS HOME.
That... more or less... ended the enthusiam of this group.
Meanwhile, in "Anonymous"'s attempt to build something national, branches of the group... let's call them "Factions of Douchebags" popped up all over this country... and one of them decided to unmask and give a newspaper interview as a real human being and NOT as the concept of a group speaking for the rest of us non-Scientologists.
That would be Eric S.
And right there and then, I lost respect for him.
See, he didn't unmask to make a point, he unmasked... he JOINED these silly little flies in the ointment, to get noticed. Being an IWC writer wasn't enough (like I couldn't have told him this)... he wanted attention, he wanted purpose, he wanted to be somebody...
So he unmasked and basically BEGGED Scientology to recognize him.
A 45 year old man seeking purpose and attention. Sad. You all may shoot me if I ever go this lame a few years from now.
I'm pretty sure Scientology ignored him... and I am fairly postive the founders of "Anonymous" just shook there heads and said, "What a dick."
Eric is like 99% of the world... he's a nobody who is just here to get on this ride called life, then get off without anyone noticing he was on. That wasn't enough, he made a weak attempt to be somebody, only he chose the dumbest means possible. "HERE I AM, L.RON LOVERS!!," he shouted. "COME AND GET ME!! Please?"
He was ignored. GOOD.
He embarrassed himself. And he's too arrogant to admit it. It's okay, I'll do it for him.
Weak, dude.
20) February 3, 2009 7:18 PM... Jesse Baker said... Question for Hyatte: are there any old movies that you love to watch over and over again? Any old school Hollywood actors and actresses who's work you love to watch, even if the film itself is crappy? Any classic films you watch over and over again, finding new things about them that you didn't notice every time you watch them?
Well, I talked about porn and the IWC, might as well hit the trifecta of geekness.
Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan. It's running on the HBO channels this month, and I can NOT get enough of it. It's 28 years old now, and I canNOT stop watching it.
It's got everything... pathos, growth, death, action... it steals themes from Moby Dick, the action scenes are thrilling, the ruminations on growing older are poignant. The interaction is compelling. It's got everything.
And it's easily Shatner's best work... ever. He loses the histrionics (which he made into a second life on Boston Legal and actually handed in an honest to God character study about a cowboy who is getting old and hates it.
Bill Shatner gave us more incite about James T. Kirk in this one movie then 3 years of TV and 6 additional flicks.
And I watch the god damned thing each and every time its on.
Plus, it's got a death scene that, top to bottom, never fails to kill me.
As for the rest... well, fuck me but I went and paid for The Rundown in the movies, bought it on PPV, rented the video, and watch it every fucking time its on TV,,, and it isn't even that good.
Other movies are the usual suspects: Rocky 1, 2, 3, 4, and now his last one, The Karate Kid, Midnight Run, umm... a bunch more.
Its like this... I don't need to know the plot if I see the names "Denzel Washington", "Tom Hanks", "Jack Nicholson", "Leo DiCaprio", "Johnny Depp", or, believe it or not, "George Clooney" on the marquee. Them boys don't fuck around anymore (they used to, but no one has a spotless resume). If they are in ther flick, you know there is a reason that flick was made.
And if Michael Bay directed it, I'm there... and I don't CARE if its aimed at assholes and 13 year olds... you are gonna get your money's worth... and that's all I care about anymore... getting my money's worth.
Once upon a time, I'd put "Robert DeNiro" and "Al Pacino" on that list... but they sold out, man. They sold out.
I'd ruminaste on this more but... man, I've talked enough.
So, let's wrap this up with a nifty video that many will love... honoring David Letterman's recent show where he had Bill Hicks' mom on and finally ran Hicks 15 year old routine that he decided to edit out years back...
Sam Kinison was a bright, blazing star who burned out do to drugs and excess... and now he's a mere footnote in comedy lore... but in the 80's, he was a TORNADO...
And also a boob...
Come back with me, friends... after rattling on about porn all blog long... let's check out a little bit of self-indulgance and soft-core frolicking that MTV wouldn't DREAM of airing now (no blacks in it)... and let's see Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry hang out with the likes of Slash, the dude from Ratt, Tommy Lee, and other 80's hair metal icons... and Tommy Lee!!!
And Jessica Hahn... in the highest poiunt of her career.
If this was 20 years later... Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, P-Diddy, and maybe Ludacrisp would be right there.
Have a little fun... loosen a little up... and just enjoy...
And no, you fucking tools... I do NOT look like Kinison...
Years before Charlie Sheen made it cool...
You make my heart sing
OH OHHHHHHHHHHH
Until next time...
Dinks
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Fast notes until later.
So about that last entry...
I knew I was going to order the thing, I wanted to make up for the last few months of shoddy posting... and the next few months where, well, I think we ALL can count on me getting shoddy from time to time. So, literally, it was something I decided to do that morning.
Its called a whim, divine inspiration, one of those precious few times when I decide to do something and actually do it. No muse to motivate me (what's a muse??), no well thought out plan. I just put it in my head to do a Mop-Up and booya, there you have it.
Will I do one again? I dunno. DON'T ASK ME FOR ONE.
And no, I'm not even being coy, there won't be one for Wrestlemania. I probably won't even get it. None of the potential matches intrique me. Orton vs Cena? Blah. HHH vs Edge? *snore*. Undertaker vs HBK? Uhhh... maybe, depends on how its laid out. Nothing there worth $50.
It's like when I faked getting married. We have a bit of a connection, you and I. You show up and I throw a curve ball every so often. You show up and I let you pretty much say whatever you want. You show up and I give you one of the coolest blogs out there... in my own lame way. I give you whatever I feel like giving you and you bust my balls or say whatever in any way you see fit. THAT'S a connection. Not you telling me how awesome I am and kissing my ass. Give and take stuff.
And thanks for the nice compliments.
But, regular Mop-Ups? Nahh. It'll never happen. Basically, for this to happen I would have to have nothing to do Tuesdays, like... the entire day off, I would have to buy a laptop so i could write and watch and rewind at the same time, I would have to guzzle 3 or 4 pots of coffee each column, and I would have to blow tens of dollars on dirty joke books.
Plus I would need a major web site to want this x-rated nonsense... and Inside Pulse isn't major... and I'm not going back to 411 no matter how many times Ashish asks me to.
Hyatte Lives, and its our dirty little secret. Just enjoy it.
Let's see... good Superbowl... actually a GREAT Superbowl. Arizona, who shouldn't have even made it there, made Pittsburgh fight until the very end. Other than dumb personal fouls in the fourth quarter, they have nothing to be ashamed of. And Ben Roethlisberger (who may have fucked Trish... nice) joined the elite. For a big guy, he's a slippery mother, ain't he? Too bad he's one concussion away from drinking his meals out of a straw.
As for commercials, we'll let Scooter review those.
Last thing... everyone has their undies in a twist for how the WWE wrecked Randy Orton's momentum by having tubby, windy Shane McMahon kick his ass. OVER-REACTING... as usual, these guys. Oh sure, it was self-serving and arrogant and typical McMahon insecurity (everything they do screams, "LOVE US!!")... but look...
-They have one more PPV until WM in just two weeks.
-They want to make the PPV inticing.
-They have a double "Elimination Chamber" co-main event. Neither of which involves Orton.
-They want Orton wrestling.
-Shane is known to show up once every few years and dive off high places.
So, tonight they set up Orton vs Shane. Put some crazy rules on it. And now we have three major matches on the PPV between two oif the big shows. Plus they can end the match with either Shane or Stephanie joinging the "Legacy" group.
No brainer. Then Orton goes to fight Cena and Shane goes back to... doing whatever he does.
No big deal.
Anyway. Within the week I'll have a comment response-heavy blog... where, among other things, I will discuss Vibrators: For real men or for half-fags?
And... umm... I dunno. Any suggestions?
I knew I was going to order the thing, I wanted to make up for the last few months of shoddy posting... and the next few months where, well, I think we ALL can count on me getting shoddy from time to time. So, literally, it was something I decided to do that morning.
Its called a whim, divine inspiration, one of those precious few times when I decide to do something and actually do it. No muse to motivate me (what's a muse??), no well thought out plan. I just put it in my head to do a Mop-Up and booya, there you have it.
Will I do one again? I dunno. DON'T ASK ME FOR ONE.
And no, I'm not even being coy, there won't be one for Wrestlemania. I probably won't even get it. None of the potential matches intrique me. Orton vs Cena? Blah. HHH vs Edge? *snore*. Undertaker vs HBK? Uhhh... maybe, depends on how its laid out. Nothing there worth $50.
It's like when I faked getting married. We have a bit of a connection, you and I. You show up and I throw a curve ball every so often. You show up and I let you pretty much say whatever you want. You show up and I give you one of the coolest blogs out there... in my own lame way. I give you whatever I feel like giving you and you bust my balls or say whatever in any way you see fit. THAT'S a connection. Not you telling me how awesome I am and kissing my ass. Give and take stuff.
And thanks for the nice compliments.
But, regular Mop-Ups? Nahh. It'll never happen. Basically, for this to happen I would have to have nothing to do Tuesdays, like... the entire day off, I would have to buy a laptop so i could write and watch and rewind at the same time, I would have to guzzle 3 or 4 pots of coffee each column, and I would have to blow tens of dollars on dirty joke books.
Plus I would need a major web site to want this x-rated nonsense... and Inside Pulse isn't major... and I'm not going back to 411 no matter how many times Ashish asks me to.
Hyatte Lives, and its our dirty little secret. Just enjoy it.
Let's see... good Superbowl... actually a GREAT Superbowl. Arizona, who shouldn't have even made it there, made Pittsburgh fight until the very end. Other than dumb personal fouls in the fourth quarter, they have nothing to be ashamed of. And Ben Roethlisberger (who may have fucked Trish... nice) joined the elite. For a big guy, he's a slippery mother, ain't he? Too bad he's one concussion away from drinking his meals out of a straw.
As for commercials, we'll let Scooter review those.
Last thing... everyone has their undies in a twist for how the WWE wrecked Randy Orton's momentum by having tubby, windy Shane McMahon kick his ass. OVER-REACTING... as usual, these guys. Oh sure, it was self-serving and arrogant and typical McMahon insecurity (everything they do screams, "LOVE US!!")... but look...
-They have one more PPV until WM in just two weeks.
-They want to make the PPV inticing.
-They have a double "Elimination Chamber" co-main event. Neither of which involves Orton.
-They want Orton wrestling.
-Shane is known to show up once every few years and dive off high places.
So, tonight they set up Orton vs Shane. Put some crazy rules on it. And now we have three major matches on the PPV between two oif the big shows. Plus they can end the match with either Shane or Stephanie joinging the "Legacy" group.
No brainer. Then Orton goes to fight Cena and Shane goes back to... doing whatever he does.
No big deal.
Anyway. Within the week I'll have a comment response-heavy blog... where, among other things, I will discuss Vibrators: For real men or for half-fags?
And... umm... I dunno. Any suggestions?
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